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Low self-esteem makes us more vulnerable to the smallest psychological stings, so that even small failures and disappointments can break through walls, break through psychological fortifications and penetrate deep into our soul. If our self-esteem is low, then little things like criticizing our boss or canceling a meeting with a friend worsen our mood much more than they should. We begin to blame ourselves for what happened, taking events too personally and being too slow to come to our senses afterwards. Indeed, low self-esteem turns the usual psychological bombardment to which each of us is periodically exposed into a real siege. Are there ways to somehow increase self-esteem?
But high self-esteem also entails its own difficulties. Narcissists have colossal self-esteem and exceptionally high self-esteem. At the same time, they are easily offended and lose their temper when they are criticized, even if the criticism is minor (there are no small insults for such people). Since they react so sharply to even small remarks, it is no wonder that they are characterized by vindictiveness: at all costs they want to teach a lesson to those who have hurt their inflated ego. High self-esteem causes us to blame others for our own mistakes, ignore negative reviews others, and also makes it difficult to accept responsibility for what we have done. If so, then we run the risk of making the same mistakes again and again, which will inevitably lead to problems at work and in our personal lives.
However, when compared with other people, we all, regardless of whether we have high or low self-esteem, consider ourselves above average! At the same time, according to statistics, two thirds of us are classified as average in each individual area (only one person out of six demonstrates performance above average and one person out of six is below average). And although we never want to be average, psychologists have collected a lot of evidence that it is average level self-esteem (not too high and not too low) is the most optimal.
"I don't want dessert!"
People with low self-esteem are often more willing to listen to negative feedback than compliments because it is more consistent with how they feel about themselves. Low self-esteem makes us remarkably resistant to positive experiences and information. But that's exactly what it is Feedback can restore our self-esteem and self-confidence. But although we need this information more than anything else, low self-esteem does not allow us to accept it, but, on the contrary, forces us to close our ears and even flee. Why is this happening? With chronically low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness become part of our personality. We get used to it and feel quite comfortable with it .
Psychologists have long known that information that fits within our existing worldview is perceived as convincing, while information that significantly diverges from our beliefs is usually rejected. If we consider ourselves unattractive, it is much easier for us to accept the compliment “You look good today” than “Your beauty is breathtaking.” When people with low self-esteem listen to positive statements in training (or pronounce affirmations) that strongly diverge from their existing beliefs, the information contained in them is perceived as false and is completely rejected. Thus, our belief in the truth of the opposite only grows stronger.
Case 1: Bo and his friends
Friends forgot to invite him to parties, criticized him mercilessly, and yet had the audacity to borrow large sums of money and not pay him back. Bo was desperate to find a woman who would become his wife, but here, too, his friends hindered him more than they helped him. He tried to talk to girls at parties, but his friends ruined everything with their jokes about his worthlessness.
When Bo came to the session, he said that he was heavily dependent on all kinds of trainings personal growth. It got to the point that he even purchased a special device that corrected his “brain waves” during sleep (but the only thing that was corrected was his bank account). He listened great amount messages aimed at the subconscious, such as “I deserve only the best, and nothing is impossible for me.” But when women recklessly complimented him, considering him sweet, kind and caring, he immediately retreated into himself. “She doesn’t know me at all! - he was indignant. “She doesn’t even know what problems I have!” Bo then unknowingly made every effort to demonstrate what he “really” was like, after which the women naturally left.
Why did he allow his friends to treat him like this? People with low self-esteem rarely engage in confrontation and have great difficulty deciding to end destructive relationships, which, naturally, do them more harm than good. The position, which is expressed by the words “I don’t care if I’m alive” or “take what they give”, does not allow taking any active actions. We believe that setting boundaries, making demands, or stating expectations - even if they are reasonable and not at all exaggerated - will result in immediate rejection. Of course, others are quick to notice that we rarely take the initiative and don’t like to argue or protest, which in their eyes makes us less valuable. Over time, they completely stop thinking about our feelings and needs.
Bo's problem was that some of his friends might actually abandon him if he demanded respect for his identity. Some, but not all. I tried to explain to him that having an honest conversation would be a litmus test that would test the quality of his friendships. Those who care about him will agree with Bo's objections and begin to treat him with greater attention and care. Those who are not ready to understand him do not deserve the title of friends.
I seriously doubt that all of Bo's friends were selfish and manipulative, although, of course, they hardly deserved to be awarded Nobel Prize peace. Most of us put in only as much effort as the situation requires. If a small portion of care and attention is enough and we are allowed to take without giving almost anything in return, then we will do so. It's not that we are bad. We're just not used to doing more than necessary. If more was required of us, we would try harder. This is true for almost all relationships.
Case 2: Gladys and her husband
Gladys, a 40-year-old breast cancer survivor, also had a very low opinion of herself. However, unlike Bo, she did not suffer from low self-esteem all her life, but only for a few recent years. It was all due to the severe emotional blows inflicted on her after the production. terrible diagnosis. While she was undergoing chemotherapy, her husband left her without any warning. In a show of outrageous cruelty, he served her divorce papers through an intermediary who met her outside the hospital on the day she was discharged from a double mastectomy.
When I met Gladys, she didn't look like any heroine who won fatal disease, nor on the athlete who is in student years won countless medals and cups, not the web designer who created successful business after divorce. Timidity, self-doubt and shyness - that's what caught my eye first.
She said: “Now I am suffering because I am not paid as much as I deserve. They demand that I do things for free that were not initially discussed. Unfortunately, I usually give in to the persuasion of persistent people. They put pressure on me and I eventually give in."
How to treat psychological wounds?
1. Identify your strengths and be determined to assert your value.
Despite the fact that we are often told to say positive affirmations about what we want, their benefits are questionable. Our hero Beau became so addicted to this approach that it was difficult for him to leave it. But he agreed to include activism in his “mantras.” For example: “When I lend money to someone, I say that it must be returned on time” and “If a friend upsets me, I have the right to express dissatisfaction.”
The most effective attitudes for us will be those that emphasize the very real and most valuable qualities of our personality: our reliability, loyalty, tact, and so on (as opposed to positive attitudes, which list desirable qualities that we do not possess). Reminding ourselves of our own worth, which no real or imagined shortcomings can erase, immediately increases our self-esteem and resistance to failure and rejection. There are several tips to improve your self-esteem.
Take time to remember and write down your strengths.
2. Quiet the critical voices in your head.
1. We have all experienced failure, shame, humiliation and rejection and berated ourselves for it. Choose one such event and describe in detail what happened and how you felt. Like any person with low self-esteem, you will probably exaggerate at the same time.
2. Now imagine that all this happened not to you, but to a person close to you. It hurts you to watch him suffer, so you decide to write him a letter to make him feel better. Try to express to him all your kindness, understanding and care, write that you share his feelings, and do not forget to mention that he deserves empathy and support.
3. Describe the same event again, but now only the facts, as objectively as possible. For example, tell us how you made several mistakes during a presentation, but don’t write that your colleagues lost respect for you because of this. No matter how they react, we must remember that low self-esteem causes us to interpret other people's facial expressions and gestures too negatively.
3. Take action
The vast majority of articles, books and trainings that promise to relieve us of feelings of helplessness and self-doubt miss one thing: Self-confidence is not a feeling, but a quality. And it can be formed not by visualization or affirmations , but only by action. It is necessary to start with a problem whose solution does not seem to us the most difficult. Moreover, if we do fail, the consequences should not be severe. We must first collect as much information as possible about how to achieve our goal and develop a plan that we will stick to.
Place all the times when your low self-esteem prevents you from standing up for yourself, in order. Assess your chances of success and the severity of the consequences if you fail. For example, Bo decided to remind his friend Timothy about the $2,000 he borrowed. Timothy promised to return them within three months, but a year has passed since then. Beau called him his “least close friend,” so it made sense to risk the relationship and ask for repayment. And Gladys decided to discuss a couple of “site improvements” that the client asked her to do “as a load” without charging a fee. These improvements did not seem significant enough to her for the client to refuse her services if she asked for payment. So they took the plunge. And what?
Patience and persistence
It should be remembered that gaining self-confidence is a process, not a one-time action. We need to be prepared that not all our efforts will bear fruit quickly and that we need to be persistent. Bo's initial plan failed because his friend rescheduled the conversation for the evening, and then canceled it altogether, citing fatigue. When Gladys called her clients about extra work, they didn't even want to listen.
Every failure will teach us how to develop more effective plan actions. Beau drew up a convenient payment schedule and mailed it to Timothy, enclosing blank envelopes with his return address. He tried to present only the facts and did not accuse his friend of anything. In response, Timothy apologized and sent a check for the first part of the amount. Gladys continued email correspondence with clients until they agreed to pay her for more work.
Having dealt with the first item on the list, you should use the surge of strength to solve the next task. We need to act while the memories of success are still fresh! Of course, time must pass before our emotional immunity becomes stronger, and then we begin to act more effectively. However, with every small triumph we become stronger and stronger.
For more details, see G. Winch “The First psychological help"(Medley, 2014).
Low self-esteem is one of the most common reasons for the inability to succeed in life. It is accompanied by a number of negative symptoms that destroy our personality and poison our existence. According to research by psychologists, it is precisely people with low self-esteem who are prone to addictions and addictions (smoking, alcohol, drugs, overeating, gambling). One hundred percent of those with this psychological illness suffer from depression.
People with low self-esteem constantly complain about life and blame others for their failures, which is why they have few friends. They often become antisocial, go into voluntary seclusion, and refuse to communicate. A person with low self-esteem is easily angered, since any critical remark is perceived as an insult.
He is afraid to take on new things, because a mistake is tantamount to the end of the world. Because of this, such a person is usually passive, lacking initiative and has a negative attitude towards everything new (and indeed towards everything). And even appearance betrays low self-esteem - constrained movements, sadness in the eyes, drooping corners of the mouth, dejected appearance.
There are a lot of symptoms: perfectionism, increased need for attention, manipulativeness, inability to defend one’s rights, agreement... People with low self-esteem make good subordinates, because they will never want to manage someone, but will listen and follow instructions with great pleasure.
Low self-esteem causes divorce, loneliness of women and men, small wages and unsatisfactory social status, inability to realize your dreams. It would seem - well, low self-esteem, so what? But it turns out how much unhappiness it brings into our lives. Where does it come from?
The reasons for low self-esteem almost always lie in childhood. Small child is not able to evaluate himself adequately, he does this through the assessment of loved ones and through their attitude towards him. What actions of parents and others lead to a child growing up with low self-esteem?
- There is not enough time: parents are constantly busy with themselves or their own affairs, disappear at work, do not listen to the child’s requests and ignore his spiritual needs (“play with me”), send him to grandma or to camp for the whole summer, despite the child’s protests.
- Emotional coldness: in the family it is not customary to hug, kiss, praise each other, talk about your good feelings, or share emotions.
- Comparison: the child is compared with other children - they say, Vanya, the neighbor, is good, plays the piano and doesn’t skip lessons, but you can’t do anything, and what’s more, you’re a bungler, only losses from you.
- An unattainable standard: a child is given an example of one of the adults, most often a father, mother, grandmother or grandfather. They tell him: “Look, your mother received five degrees, and your grandfather is a famous scientist, you must not let them down!” This tactic leads to a person trying to fit himself into imposed standards all his life. Naturally, he doesn’t succeed (since we are all different and each has our own talents), and he perceives himself as a failure.
- Ridicule for something that cannot be corrected: a child with physical disabilities or illnesses is laughed at at school, on the playground, and sometimes in own family. Such children almost always have low self-esteem.
- Divorce of parents, scandals, alcoholism in the family: when parents divorce, if someone drinks, when parents fight, younger family members always take it personally. “They divorced because of me, they fight because I’m bad, it’s my fault that dad beats mom.”
As you can see, at least one of these reasons is present in the life of almost every person. Many of us become hostage to a number of factors that lead to low self-esteem. This means that to one degree or another, almost all of us suffer from this.
Here it is also necessary to say about high self-esteem, since it is a continuation of low self-esteem. Yes, yes, they are not different at all psychological problems, but two manifestations of one. They have the same prerequisites, grow from the same root, and are accompanied by the same mental states. And they have one reason - the inability to evaluate themselves adequately.
Often people with low self-esteem put on masks and become boastful, aggressive, and arrogant. Because of this, you might think that they think too much of themselves - but no, these are just means of self-defense.
When a person with low self-esteem manages to achieve something in life, it immediately becomes inflated. When fortune turns away, your attitude towards yourself will again be “below the plinth”.
Is it possible to fight low self-esteem on your own? Maybe. The main thing is to recognize the problem and accept it. It is important to analyze the reasons for the occurrence and admit that you were not to blame for what happened in childhood. Let go of the guilt and tell yourself that you were not the cause of your problems. Forgive those who offended you - they have long forgotten about it, and you continue to torment yourself with negative feelings of anger, revenge, resentment, hatred.
Learn to evaluate yourself objectively and stop thinking that your shortcomings are something terrible. Just audit yourself and accept everything as it is. Firstly, there are no people consisting of only shortcomings, everyone has many good qualities. And secondly, not all shortcomings are such. Many of our properties are essentially neutral and become positive or negative traits only thanks to assessment from outside or from within.
For example, there are people who constantly need new impressions– routine simply eats away at them. Someone will say - he is lazy, restless, industrious, fickle, irresponsible, does not know what he needs. Another will say - this creative person, explorer, traveler, innovator. Who will you listen to? The trouble is that we more often hear condemnation from others than praise.
Therefore, one more piece of advice - do not listen to those who scold you. No matter what you do, there will always be such people. Evaluate your personality positively, forgive yourself for your mistakes (we are all human, we all make mistakes), and do not reproach yourself for every mistake.
Love and respect yourself, try to do everything to make you feel good. Please yourself, not someone else, learn to hear your real desires. Pamper yourself, entertain yourself, force yourself to rest when you are tired, take care of your body and engage in self-development.
And the very first step to mental recovery is to go to the mirror every morning, look at your unwashed, swollen face after sleep and say: “I love you.” Say this instead of the usual description: “God, what a monster this is!”
And then your inner child will be convinced: if I (the most main man in my life) I love myself even in this form, even sick, even a loser, even during the worst failures - it means that I really deserve all the best in this world.
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Low self-esteem is typical for single women. Our culture connects “ woman's happiness” with the presence of a man and a family in a girl’s life. Therefore, single ladies often suffer from low self-esteem and this becomes a serious problem for them.
Low self-esteem means that a woman does not see herself as a significant member of society.
People with low self-esteem behave insecurely and constrained in communication with others, pushing them away, which further harms their opinion of themselves. It's a vicious circle.
Low self-esteem is obvious to others. Such women rarely look their interlocutor in the eyes, slouch, trying to make themselves smaller, dress either drably or too flashily, trying to attract attention to themselves (because they do not believe that they are worthy of attention for their essence, and not for their clothes).
It is low self-esteem that forces women to dress too revealingly and... This leads to them being approached by men who only want to use them. Such contacts end in unpleasant feelings for the girl and only further strengthen her opinion that something is wrong with her.
It is precisely this underestimation and uncertainty that forces girls to position themselves as a sex object, choosing too revealing clothes.
Shyness and self-consciousness
If you consider yourself shy or self-conscious, this is a sign of low self-esteem. You are afraid that you have nothing to offer to the people around you, that they will consider you funny, unpleasant, unnecessary.
Modesty, on the other hand, is not low self-esteem. Modesty is the absence of boasting, the desire to attract attention. Humble people understand their own worth and don't need to attract other people's attention.
The phrase “a girl should be modest” does not imply shyness or shyness, but simply a lack of boasting, showing off and bravado. You can be confident and modest at the same time. In fact, self-confidence comes with a lack of need to attract undue attention to oneself.
Modesty implies a lack of showing off, rather than shyness and shyness.
The first step is to understand that no matter how successful you are in life, no matter how beautiful your appearance is, you are no better or worse than other people.
And vice versa - even if you consider yourself ugly or don’t think that you are successful, you are no worse than all other people on the planet.
For absolutely any person in the world, everything can change in a few moments.
- He could get into a car accident and be paralyzed for life.
- His business may go bankrupt.
- He can crash into someone else's car and kill a person, and end up behind bars.
- The same thing for a woman - in case of an accident.
One of my former acquaintances in Russia decided to go buy bread - he and his friends planned to sit down and have a drink on Friday evening, but there was no bread. He and a friend were about to quickly run to the store. And although the supermarket was only 500 meters away, we decided to go by car. At the intersection, a KAMAZ truck drove into them and failed to brake. Both guys died.
These things happen every day all over the world to thousands of people. Millions of others will find out today that they are ill, perhaps terminally ill.
At the same time, someone wins the lottery. Their life suddenly changes for the better.
Every person has unlimited potential for success, including you.
Successes, like defeats, are just a temporary amplitude of an ever-changing state of satisfaction. Every person has unlimited potential for success.
I had a personal trainer who had a client who was a former professional diver. During one of his dives, something went wrong and he spent too long under water, resulting in his lower body being paralyzed. A 20-year-old guy turned from a world-class athlete into a wheelchair user.
My coach told me how this guy found new career as a motivational speaker. He became so in demand that he received $10,000 for appearing at corporate conferences, while speaking for free at schools and universities.
My first thought in response to this was: “Well, of course it’s easy for him - he’s in a wheelchair!”
Of course, I didn’t say anything out loud, I immediately felt ashamed for such thoughts, but the fact remains that he managed to turn the most terrible incident into something useful for himself and others. Of course, your own problems will seem like nonsense when there is a person in a wheelchair, and he does not cry, but achieves success. This guy was training with my coach to compete on a team in some sport for people with disabilities.
- Girls who have been through mass rape become the face of a campaign to combat sexual pressure.
- A mother who lost her son to domestic violence has been named Australian Citizen of the Year after leading a movement to prevent family violence.
- A young Pakistani Muslim woman who was shot in the head to keep her from going to school has led a movement for girls' education and become the youngest recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.
You may say: well, yes, they are - they are worthy, but who am I?
Just as these people lived their lives without thinking they were special, they rose up and stood up for human dignity when their backs were against the wall.
Their value was not in beauty or wealth. They didn't invent the iPhone or conquer Everest (which has been climbed thousands of times already). They just were normal people. They were noticed thanks to tragedy, but they were still normal people.
Just like you. Just because you aren't on the front page of the newspaper doesn't mean you have no value. These people would 100% prefer not to be famous, but to just live their normal lives.
The value of every person is in himself, regardless of his work and achievements.
Your value exists from the start
You have value, no matter what your job is, how old you are, or whether you have children or a husband. Simply because you are a human being on this Earth.
You are the result of evolution, its pinnacle. Hundreds of thousands of your ancestors have found mates and had children, and you are a combination of them all. The same genes that are in you exist in hundreds of thousands of other people around the world, so we are all distant brothers and sisters.
If you have blue or grey eyes, That . It has been proven that this mutation comes from a single common ancestor. Imagine how many genetic relatives you have on this planet?
You are connected by invisible threads to every person on this planet. You are here and that is why you are important.
Once upon a time, you became the fastest sperm out of many thousands that managed to fertilize an egg. This was your very first and most important achievement, which put you on a par with other winners - the inhabitants of this planet. Humor, of course - but in every joke there is a grain of humor, the rest is pure truth.
No matter what and no matter who thinks about you, your value does not change. She just is. It may be hidden inside or it may come out and become obvious to everyone, but it is already there.
We are all born naked and will leave this world with nothing. Babies cannot and do not know how to do anything, but they are protected and adored. Old people are sometimes capable of little, but they are valued in society and people try to help them.
- Decide today that the most important thing for you is to do what you want and be with those you want.
- Make a decision that what other people think about you is none of your business. Let them think what they want. The main thing is that you think about yourself.
Other people have no idea what is right for you or what you need. They barely manage to keep their own lives under control. You know what you need better than anyone. When you stop trying to live up to others' expectations, you can achieve what you want for yourself. You are never given a dream that you cannot make come true. You have .
Little girl who needs your love
We all come from childhood. Love that little girl who sits inside you and desperately wants love and affection. Give this little girl recognition that she is important. Give her the confidence that she is worth being taken care of.
- Take care of yourself - buy yourself flowers if you love flowers.
- Put it on Nice dress, if you like to dress beautifully.
- Book a table at a restaurant if you love delicious food.
- Wake up before sunrise and look at the rising disk of fire.
Every day is new day. Those particles that were part of the Sun a year ago may now be part of you.
Understand that every person you meet has worries and sorrows, someone does not love them and does not appreciate them. Even the idols of millions have an army of haters.
No matter what happened to you in the past, you can draw a line and start living in this second with clean slate. You are no longer the same person you were when this happened, even the body cells are renewed almost completely in 35 days. You didn't know then what you know now, and the decision you made was the only one you could make then.
Forgive yourself and the young girl who once made mistakes. Forgive those who hurt you - they too live their lives and make mistakes that they regret. You don't need their apology - you can forgive them and let them go so you can leave this burden behind you forever.
Give love and understanding to that little girl inside of you so that she will never be afraid or lonely. Self love - only love, which will always be mutual. Keep her in your heart, keep the flame alive. And from this small fire the warmth will spread throughout your entire life.
Share this articleWith low self-esteem (which is formed due to childhood traumas, biological features and bad life experiences) you can fight. St. Petersburg psychotherapist, presenter Researcher NIPNI im. V.M. Bekhterev Alexander Erichev told Sobaka.Ru what steps will help do this.
Reasons for low self-esteem
People with low self-esteem always have negative underlying beliefs about yourself. They appear in the process of life experience - including if a person has encountered big amount punishments, prohibitions, insults, neglect. The first group of such beliefs is associated with defectiveness (“I’m somehow different”), the second with helplessness (“I’m weak”) and the third with a lack of love (“they don’t love me”).
Negative beliefs often arise when children are not satisfied basic needs. First of all, the need for love and acceptance. For example, at the time of the birth of the child, the mother’s maternal feelings did not awaken, and the father completely disappeared into an unknown direction. Another situation is emotional deprivation from parents. For example, they were not used to expressing warm feelings and were less emotional than other families.
Quite often people suffer from low self-esteem who seemed to have fairly good family support, but found themselves in a situation of long-term bullying. For example, at school, such a situation can seriously change the perception of oneself. The person, recalling the time of bullying, says that he felt fear and helplessness. He is very for a long time was in a state of chronic stress, and this negative experience stuck with him.
When a person’s self-esteem is distorted, he finds even more evidence in events that he is bad
There are also biological prerequisites for a person to develop low self-esteem. For example, both a dandelion child and an orchid child can be born in the same family. Dandelion will grow through the asphalt and will be less sensitive to environmental factors. Such a child will more easily cope with the same bullying. And the child is an orchid, who, among other things, biological reasons more vulnerable and shy, will not be able to resolve this situation, and may not even seek support from parents. We must not forget that we all different types nervous system. We are different from each other at birth, and then life also leaves its serious imprint. The production of hormones changes, and stress reactions become stronger.
Distortions of personal thinking play a huge role in our self-esteem. We all perceive the same situation differently. Recent studies show that even our own memories should not be trusted, because they are seriously distorted, including under the influence of our emotions. So, if a person has a distorted personal self-esteem, and he feels weak, helpless, defective and lazy, then he will also distortly perceive all the events that happen to him. And find more and more evidence that he is bad.
What do bad thoughts about yourself lead to?
Often our deepest negative beliefs it’s quite difficult to reveal about yourself, in addition, the person himself tries to protect himself from them with a set of rules. That is, he seeks to prevent confirmation of his fears and fears. For example, if he thinks that he is unloved, what behavioral strategies will he demonstrate? They can be completely opposite. One will avoid contact with the opposite sex for fear that he will still be rejected. Another will choose a different behavior: on the contrary, he will have a huge number of casual connections, and he will perceive each acquaintance as a trophy. In appearance he will seem confident and daring, but in fact, behind this behavior he will hide his negative attitudes in relation to yourself. Such rules that a person has created for himself may be different. For example, a person decides that he must always be polite. Or if he is criticized, it immediately means that he is bad. And if he doesn't try his best, he won't achieve anything.
A person with low self-esteem attributes all failures to himself and success to accidents.
To assess your self-esteem, ask yourself a series of questions. Have your life experiences taught you to value yourself for who you are? Do you have a good opinion of yourself? Do you treat yourself well and take care of yourself? Do you like yourself? You value both your strengths and weak sides? Are you completely satisfied with yourself? Do you feel entitled to other people's attention and time? Do you judge yourself the same way you judge others – no more, no less? Are you more inclined to encourage yourself rather than engage in self-criticism?
When working on self-esteem, there is no need to strive for it to become inflated and flew off into space. This is also not good. When we deliberately make unrealistic demands on ourselves and declare something like “I am the king of the world,” the more often reality tells us that there is something wrong with our beliefs about ourselves. A high self-evaluation is often unstable, so external circumstances can easily unsettle a person. But you need to strive, first of all, for sustainability and learn to support yourself.
A person has a high probability of conditionally “getting” depression or an anxiety disorder, if he attributes all failures to himself, and attributes all positive things to chance. And this is exactly what a person with low self-esteem usually does.
What to do? Stop criticizing and punishing yourself
Psychotherapists distinguish several modes, that is, emotional states, which we enter from time to time. One of the unhealthy ones is the regime of a critical or punishing parent. In it, we force ourselves to experience feelings of inferiority and guilt, pointing out that we owe something. At the same time, we criticize for such little things that we would never criticize others for. And we punish in those moments when we actually need help.
You can easily notice how this mode turns on. It further supports low self-esteem or even lowers it further. For example, when you say to yourself: “We could have done better,” “Why isn’t this so good?”, “Is that all you did?”, “Others can do it, and so can you.” You also present the results of your labor as some kind of nonsense. People around you praise you, but you think: “No, they thought I was just lucky.”
Learn to turn off the mode inner critic and show more support to yourself
Good news is that we can easily track and suppress in ourselves unfounded self-criticism and devaluation. It is quite possible to develop this skill even without the help of a psychotherapist. Although this may take a decent amount of time. Try observing your critical parent for at least a week. Most likely, you will notice that it appears even when you should not scold yourself.
Try translating self-criticism into self-compassion. Instead of the desire to punish yourself and condemn, you should switch to the desire to correct the situation and achieve best result. Instead of looking to the past, look to the future and try to understand what can be done now. Shift your focus from mistakes to your strengths and resources, and instead of disappointment, anger and anxiety, try to be supportive of yourself.
Stand up for your boundaries and rights
Develop assertiveness - the ability to defend your boundaries and rights so as not to destroy someone else's personal space. It is believed that assertive behavior quite clearly correlates with adequate self-esteem. What does it include? Open and sincere expression positive emotions, as well as open (but adequate) expression of negative ones. We need to learn to express ourselves correctly negative emotions- it is very important. Assertiveness also includes the ability to defend oneself and the ability to say “no.” Quite often, when we feel anxious and helpless inside, we agree to things that are obviously unpleasant for us. And then we begin to blame ourselves: “How could you, you definitely should have refused, why didn’t you refuse, you could have pulled yourself together!” Assertiveness also includes initiative, the ability to offer, ask, and maintain one’s own dignity - now this is beautifully called the term “proactivity.”
Often we cannot say “no” to a person and end up blaming ourselves even more for it.
Train assertive behavior not in the style of “You’re a wuss, just pull yourself together!”, but in the style of “You’re worried, but let’s try to take a small step now.” It’s also worth praising yourself for trying, even if it hasn’t been successful yet. For example, you were unable to refuse, although you tried to do so. Or you said no, but the other person insisted that you say yes. But this is already a reason to tell yourself that you have almost succeeded, although not completely yet.
Take care of your needs
Learn to take care of yourself and your needs(again, without violating other people's boundaries). This is probably the most difficult advice, therefore it requires enough good level awareness. You can learn this little by little - you feel that you want to drink water and drink it. Try to listen to more ambiguous needs and feel your desires.
Learn self-efficacy
Self-efficacy is how aware we are of our ability to cope. with certain circumstances. If we feel that the world is so inexplicable and cruel that there is nothing we can do, then naturally we will evaluate ourselves worse. If we perceive our ability to act, this gives us significant help and support. For me good example in terms of self-efficacy - this is independent travel. At first you are scared, and then you get the feeling that the world Quite friendly, you can easily figure out the transport network and find a place to stay for the night.
Support yourself and notice your achievements
It is important that support and praise do not turn into your own address. into something like: “I’m so cool.” Think about what you can support yourself for today? What good did you do during the day? Imagine what you say to yourself, as to your beloved child: Nice words. At the same time, praise can be not only for certain successful actions. For example, I went through a difficult situation, I coped with it - this is also a reason for praise. It will be good if noticing your achievements becomes your tradition.
Align your goals with your personal values
To reinforce adequate and stable self-esteem, you need to learn look for your values. Please note that values are not goals. For example, buying a car is a goal. What value could there be here? Freedom of movement, travel. A goal can be achieved and after that it will not exist. And value is unattainable; it is a certain stage of the journey. It is very important to understand what your values are and, if possible, build your life in this direction. But you shouldn’t turn this into a radical search for “your purpose.” This is a dangerous and wrong situation.
Our values may partly conflict with each other. For example, it is important for you to travel and develop, while you dream of children. Then at some point you will have to learn to travel with children, and not in splendid isolation. In addition, values may change throughout life. Don't be afraid of this - the main thing is to be flexible. Also try to get together with your closest people and describe your values and goals. You can turn this into a tradition.
Don’t set global, hard-to-achieve goals and don't focus on the resources you don't have. It is better to gradually increase the complexity of tasks than to immediately set the bar too high. And encourage yourself on the way to their implementation.
Text: Anastasia Leontyeva, Katerina Reznikova.
Based on materials from Alexander Erichev’s lecture as part of the GOOD VIBES project.
In the article you will learn:
What to do if low self-esteem haunts you?
Hello again! Have you noticed that only those people who do not value themselves are always unhappy? They suffer from complexes and a sense of shame that prevents them from developing, achieving success, living and being confident that everything will be fine with them. Today I will tell youwhat to do if you have low self-esteemprevents you from living, I’ll give you some exercises and recommendations.
Where do complexes lead?
In fact, it is not immediately and not always that a person understands that his failures are connected with the banal negative self-perception. At first it seems, while stillteenager, that you are simply unlucky in life, you come across the wrong people, many around you are better than you, there is too little money, but in our country it is impossible to earn more, there is a feeling that life is unfair, etc.
However, when mental discomfort becomes unbearable, a person begins to seriously think about why his life turns out this way and not differently. And this is correct, because many processes occur on unconscious level, that is, you are not even aware of how they control you. Low self-esteem affects the psyche in the most negative way:
Adequate self-esteem
So, what to do if low self-esteem haunts and poisons your life? To begin with, read several times, understand and let it pass through yourself what it is. adequate self-esteem and its signs:
Dear readers, how many of these points apply to you? There's a lot to work on, right? For this I suggest some effective exercises . But first I want to warn you that your task is not to fight low self-esteem, but raise her. To fight means to go against yourself. Your task is to accept everything as it is now, and strive to become more confident in yourself. So, let's begin.
Spontaneous self-presentation
Take a sheet of paper and write everything you see fit about yourself. But describe only your strengths and events in which you were or are currently successful. Read the result and do it every day. This exercise will allow you to be focused on your successes, not your mistakes. Promotes the formation positive thinking and just pleasant emotions.
Crystal vessel
When you get up in the morning, turn to the sun so that its rays warm your face. Then squint your eyes so that you can see and feel the sun's rays through your squinted eyelids. Remember this ray, close your eyes tightly and imagine that your entire adze is an empty vessel, and the rays solar heat filled it from top to bottom. Glow from within with this sun for two to three minutes. And then cover your face with your palms and pull back sharply.
Changing the angle of view
Take a piece of paper and draw two columns. Write down what you like and what others like or moments in which you were confident. In another column, describe those moments or qualities that confuse you. Re-read these lists several times. As you can see, there are two columns, but for some reason you always think about one. It's not fair, is it? Remember the positive column more often. This exercise will help you move from the global mindset of “I can’t do anything” to “I need to develop certain aspects.”
Patience and work
To become more confident, it is not enough to perform individual exercises at home, where you are most comfortable, like in a nest and you are far from society. It is necessary in society to continuously pay attention to those subtleties that separate you from a person with adequate self-esteem. This is the most difficult thing. The two previous exercises are like positive exercises, and then people will conquer their own heights of consciousness:
- Reread the principles of adequate self-esteem and reward yourself for those situations when you acted differently than you are used to. By implementing one of the points.
- Notice when you habitually take offense at others, make excuses to someone, feel ashamed of something you said, or are easily offended and drawn into a heated argument. Stop and inwardly concentrate on what a person with adequate self-esteem would do.
- Strive to express your personal opinion, while smiling. Nobody will kill you for this.
- Do more often the type of activity in which you are successful. If you have not found the activity that you are best at, then look for the one that brings you the most pleasure. This could be a professional business or a hobby.
- Be with friends more often, but avoid whining and pitying speeches. Let go of your personality and just enjoy your time together.
Expensive womenand men, like everything new, will be difficult at first. After all, you are not used to it. However, day after day, it will become more and more interesting and easier for you. Gradually, looking at positive result, you will go into a frenzy, you will understand that you have real power and are capable of wonderful transformations. So go ahead, you have every opportunity to become happier!
With love to you, your June.
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