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Low self-esteem makes us more vulnerable to the smallest psychological stings, so that even small failures and disappointments can break through walls, break through psychological fortifications and penetrate deep into our soul. If our self-esteem is low, then little things like criticizing our boss or canceling a meeting with a friend worsen our mood much more than they should. We begin to blame ourselves for what happened, taking events too personally and being too slow to come to our senses afterwards. Really, low self-esteem turns the usual psychological bombardment to which each of us is periodically exposed into a real siege. Are there ways to somehow increase self-esteem?
But high self-esteem also entails its own difficulties. Narcissists have colossal self-esteem and exceptionally high self-esteem. At the same time, they are easily offended and lose their temper when they are criticized, even if the criticism is minor (there are no small insults for such people). Since they react so sharply to even small remarks, it is no wonder that they are characterized by vindictiveness: at all costs they want to teach a lesson to those who have hurt their inflated ego. High self-esteem causes us to blame others for our own mistakes, ignore negative reviews others, and also makes it difficult to accept responsibility for what we have done. If so, then we run the risk of making the same mistakes again and again, which will inevitably lead to problems at work and in our personal lives.
However, when compared with other people, we all, regardless of whether we have high or low self-esteem, consider ourselves above average! At the same time, according to statistics, two thirds of us are classified as average in each individual area (only one person out of six demonstrates performance above average and one person out of six is below average). And although we never want to be average, psychologists have collected a lot of evidence that it is average level self-esteem (not too high and not too low) is the most optimal.
"I don't want dessert!"
People with low self-esteem are often more willing to listen to negative feedback than compliments because it is more consistent with how they feel about themselves. Low self-esteem makes us remarkably resistant to positive experiences and information. But that's exactly what it is Feedback can restore our self-esteem and self-confidence. But although we need this information more than anything else, low self-esteem does not allow us to accept it, but, on the contrary, forces us to close our ears and even flee. Why is this happening? With chronically low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness become part of our personality. We get used to it and feel quite comfortable with it .
Psychologists have long known that information that fits within our existing worldview is perceived as convincing, while information that significantly diverges from our beliefs is usually rejected. If we consider ourselves unattractive, it is much easier for us to accept the compliment “You look good today” than “Your beauty is breathtaking.” When people with low self-esteem listen to positive statements in training (or pronounce affirmations) that strongly diverge from their existing beliefs, the information contained in them is perceived as false and is completely rejected. Thus, our belief in the truth of the opposite only grows stronger.
Case 1: Bo and his friends
Friends forgot to invite him to parties, criticized him mercilessly, and yet had the audacity to borrow large sums of money and not pay him back. Bo was desperate to find a woman who would become his wife, but here, too, his friends hindered him more than they helped him. He tried to talk to girls at parties, but his friends ruined everything with their jokes about his worthlessness.
When Bo came to the session, he said that he was heavily dependent on all kinds of trainings personal growth. It got to the point that he even purchased a special device that corrected his “brain waves” during sleep (but the only thing that was corrected was his bank account). He listened great amount messages aimed at the subconscious, such as “I deserve only the best, and nothing is impossible for me.” But when women recklessly complimented him, considering him sweet, kind and caring, he immediately retreated into himself. “She doesn’t know me at all! - he was indignant. “She doesn’t even know what problems I have!” Bo then unknowingly made every effort to demonstrate what he “really” was like, after which the women naturally left.
Why did he allow his friends to treat him like this? People with low self-esteem rarely engage in confrontation and have great difficulty deciding to end destructive relationships, which, naturally, do them more harm than good. The position, which is expressed by the words “I don’t care if I’m alive” or “take what they give”, does not allow taking any active actions. We believe that setting boundaries, making demands, or stating expectations - even if they are reasonable and not at all exaggerated - will result in immediate rejection. Of course, others are quick to notice that we rarely take the initiative and don’t like to argue or protest, which in their eyes makes us less valuable. Over time, they completely stop thinking about our feelings and needs.
Bo's problem was that some of his friends might actually abandon him if he demanded respect for his identity. Some, but not all. I tried to explain to him that having an honest conversation would be a litmus test that would test the quality of his friendships. Those who care about him will agree with Bo's objections and begin to treat him with greater attention and care. Those who are not ready to understand him do not deserve the title of friends.
I seriously doubt that all of Bo's friends were selfish and manipulative, although, of course, they hardly deserved to be awarded Nobel Prize peace. Most of us put in only as much effort as the situation requires. If a small portion of care and attention is enough and we are allowed to take without giving almost anything in return, then we will do so. It's not that we are bad. We're just not used to doing more than necessary. If more was required of us, we would try harder. This is true for almost all relationships.
Case 2: Gladys and her husband
Gladys, a 40-year-old breast cancer survivor, also had a very low opinion of herself. However, unlike Bo, she did not suffer from low self-esteem all her life, but only for a few recent years. It was all due to the severe emotional blows inflicted on her after the production. terrible diagnosis. While she was undergoing chemotherapy, her husband left her without any warning. In a show of outrageous cruelty, he served her divorce papers through an intermediary who met her outside the hospital on the day she was discharged from a double mastectomy.
When I met Gladys, she didn't look like any heroine who won fatal disease, nor on the athlete who is in student years won countless medals and cups, not the web designer who created successful business after divorce. Timidity, self-doubt and shyness - that's what caught my eye first.
She said: “Now I am suffering because I am not paid as much as I deserve. They demand that I do things for free that were not initially discussed. Unfortunately, I usually give in to the persuasion of persistent people. They put pressure on me and I eventually give in."
How to treat psychological wounds?
1. Identify your strengths and be determined to assert your value.
Despite the fact that we are often told to say positive affirmations about what we want, their benefits are questionable. Our hero Beau became so addicted to this approach that it was difficult for him to leave it. But he agreed to include activism in his “mantras.” For example: “When I lend money to someone, I say that it must be returned on time” and “If a friend upsets me, I have the right to express dissatisfaction.”
The most effective attitudes for us will be those that emphasize the very real and most valuable qualities of our personality: our reliability, loyalty, tact, and so on (as opposed to positive attitudes, which list desirable qualities that we do not possess). Reminding ourselves of our own worth, which no real or imagined shortcomings can erase, immediately increases our self-esteem and resistance to failure and rejection. There are several tips to improve your self-esteem.
Take time to remember and write down your strengths.
2. Quiet the critical voices in your head.
1. We have all experienced failure, shame, humiliation and rejection and berated ourselves for it. Choose one such event and describe in detail what happened and how you felt. Like any person with low self-esteem, you will probably exaggerate at the same time.
2. Now imagine that all this happened not to you, but to a person close to you. It hurts you to watch him suffer, so you decide to write him a letter to make him feel better. Try to express to him all your kindness, understanding and care, write that you share his feelings, and do not forget to mention that he deserves empathy and support.
3. Describe the same event again, but now only the facts, as objectively as possible. For example, tell us how you made several mistakes during a presentation, but don’t write that your colleagues lost respect for you because of this. No matter how they react, we must remember that low self-esteem causes us to interpret other people's facial expressions and gestures too negatively.
3. Take action
The vast majority of articles, books and trainings that promise to relieve us of feelings of helplessness and self-doubt miss one thing: Self-confidence is not a feeling, but a quality. And it can be formed not by visualization or affirmations , but only by action. It is necessary to start with a problem whose solution does not seem to us the most difficult. Moreover, if we do fail, the consequences should not be severe. We must first collect as much information as possible about how to achieve our goal and develop a plan that we will stick to.
Place all the times when your low self-esteem prevents you from standing up for yourself, in order. Assess your chances of success and the severity of the consequences if you fail. For example, Bo decided to remind his friend Timothy about the $2,000 he borrowed. Timothy promised to return them within three months, but a year has passed since then. Beau called him his “least close friend,” so it made sense to risk the relationship and ask for repayment. And Gladys decided to discuss a couple of “site improvements” that the client asked her to do “as a load” without charging a fee. These improvements did not seem significant enough to her for the client to refuse her services if she asked for payment. So they took the plunge. And what?
Patience and persistence
It should be remembered that gaining self-confidence is a process, not a one-time action. We need to be prepared that not all our efforts will bear fruit quickly and that we need to be persistent. Bo's initial plan failed because his friend rescheduled the conversation for the evening, and then canceled it altogether, citing fatigue. When Gladys called her clients about extra work, they didn't even want to listen.
Every failure will teach us how to develop more effective plan actions. Beau drew up a convenient payment schedule and mailed it to Timothy, enclosing blank envelopes with his return address. He tried to present only the facts and did not accuse his friend of anything. In response, Timothy apologized and sent a check for the first part of the amount. Gladys continued email correspondence with clients until they agreed to pay her for more work.
Having dealt with the first item on the list, you should use the surge of strength to solve the next task. We need to act while the memories of success are still fresh! Of course, time must pass before our emotional immunity becomes stronger, and then we begin to act more effectively. However, with every small triumph we become stronger and stronger.
For more details, see G. Winch “The First psychological help"(Medley, 2014).
How to increase a woman's self-esteem and self-confidence? This question is asked by many representatives of the fair sex. An insecure girl whose legs give way from shyness will not leave a lasting impression after the meeting. And a woman who is convinced of her attractiveness and knows her strengths cannot help but be remembered. This is why it is easier for some of us to promote ideas, to climb career ladder, make your fans fall in love with you. How can a woman increase her self-esteem and self-confidence?
Before you buy the book “How to Increase Self-Esteem and Confidence as a Woman,” you should understand whether you really have problems with self-perception.
If you find at least a few of the following points in yourself, then there is a high probability that you think worse about yourself than you really are:
- You constantly think about your failures, remember awkward moments;
- You often experience a feeling of self-hatred, and often feel sorry for yourself;
- You blame others for your failures and try to shift responsibility onto other people's shoulders;
- You often think that you cannot cope with the upcoming work;
- You are constantly afraid of disappointing someone;
- You react inadequately to criticism, perceiving it as proof of your inferiority;
- You feel like you are unworthy of love. For the same reason, you often rush into the arms of the first person who shows sympathy for you - even if he does not correspond to your real level;
- You hesitate to make decisions and put off action for long periods of time, feeling fear due to your perceived inability to make the “right” choice.
Low self-esteem is characterized by constantly remembering your failures.
Reasons for low self-esteem
A general list of reasons for low self-confidence and unstable self-esteem:
- Childhood trauma. None of us even suspects how many problems “come from childhood” are in our psychological baggage. An incident that happened to you as a teenager may be completely inconspicuous for the real you - but sometimes it is the root of deep problems lodged in the subconscious. For example, parents too often criticized their child, underestimated his achievements, and devalued his interests and hobbies. As a result, the grown person lives with the feeling that he is not worthy better attitude- after all, everything that he likes is really insignificant, and he himself is practically unable to do anything well.
- Dependence on the opinions of others. There will be people who like to criticize in any situation, even if you did your task brilliantly. You need to accept this and stop paying attention to it. Moreover, criticism is an indicator of your success: evil words Usually only those who go forward are awarded, leaving behind the losers.
Many problems come from childhood
- Perceiving any failure as a tragedy. Everyone has bad days. And everyone at least once failed to cope with an important task - they could not overcome their anxiety, they “failed” the test, or, due to inexperience, they set up a colleague or boss. We shouldn’t make a big deal out of a molehill: mistakes are part of our experience, which will be useful to us in the future.
- High expectations. Perhaps you set yourself too high goals, which are simply impossible to achieve in the allotted time. And it's not that you're not good enough - just give yourself more time or lower the bar a little.
Self-esteem depends on brain function
You can endlessly watch videos with titles like “how to increase a woman’s self-esteem and self-confidence,” but it is more important to understand how our body works. Few people know that self-esteem is determined by the functioning of the brain.
When the limbic system is moderately active, we feel good
The limbic system is an interconnected structure of the brain that is responsible for our emotions, memory, sleep, wakefulness, as well as a number of functions of internal organs.
When the limbic system is moderately active, we feel good: this state is characterized by an optimistic mood. When the activity of this zone is increased, self-esteem decreases, and positivity is replaced by a feeling of guilt, a feeling of one’s own incapacity and even helplessness.
The logic is simple: to get rid of negative emotions and add more colors to life, just learn to control the limbic system. This will save you from many problems, including the answer to the question of how to increase a woman’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
If the limbic system is unstable, negative emotions arise
Simple ways to stabilize the limbic system:
- Proper nutrition. The brain will not feel safe if it is exhausted by diets or, on the contrary, receives calories only from harmful foods. Balanced only healthy diet will become a worthy source of energy. Take vitamins and fish fat, eat more fruits and limit unhealthy foods.
- Physical activity. During training, serotonin is released, the hormone of joy and good mood. This will help you cope with stress and feel more confident and strong. Besides, it's good physical form And beautiful body like nothing else they help increase self-esteem.
- Healthy sleep. So that the brain can cope with stress and give you positive emotions, he should rest. It's about about eight hours of sleep. This is the only way you will get “relaxation” and feel free from stress - after all, in a dream, the brain puts in order all the events, feelings and thoughts that happened during the day.
Proper nutrition promotes good mood
- Physical intimacy. Frequent lovemaking not only strengthens the immune system and relieves stress, but also gives good mood– you begin to feel sexier, more confident and more beautiful.
Compliance with these points is necessary not only to increase self-esteem, but also to maintain health.
How to increase self-esteem
So, how can a woman increase her self-esteem and confidence? Apart from the above list, there are the following methods:
- Engage in self-development. The more new knowledge you gain in a day, the better. Explore foreign language, read new book or look New film, get a car license, go to business development training. In addition to the obvious benefits, you will also gain new connections and acquaintances - perhaps even enter into a relationship with a man you are interested in;
Engage in self-development
- Get rid of clutter and tidy up your apartment. If necessary and if possible, do repairs, at least cosmetic ones. It has been proven that the better the home looks, the cleaner and more pleasant it is, the more confident the owner feels;
- It is necessary to overcome the feeling of fear and constant danger. It is common for people with low self-esteem to be afraid – of exams, getting into relationships, sounds, images, emotions, and so on. Draw two pictures. The first is negative, in which your fear is realized - for example, being fired from your favorite job. The second is positive, blocking the first. For example, you work hard and are awarded a bonus. Now we work with these images: imagine that you move the first one away from yourself as much as possible until it turns into a small dot and disappears completely. And try to imagine the second picture as often as possible - think through everything down to your mood, feelings, the weather outside the window, the clothes you are wearing.
Need to get rid of fears
- Psychology claims that one of the most the right ways how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence as a woman - focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. If you are constantly thinking about overweight, then you begin to perceive yourself exclusively as a plump lady. But isn't it better to focus on yours? positive qualities? You can be a great housewife, a great mother, the best at accounting in the office, and so on - the list goes on and on.
Start treating yourself with respect
- In conversations, use phrases such as “I believe” and “I think” more often: your opinion is valuable. Express your emotions openly - don't be afraid to object and don't try to hide if you don't like something. You have the right to disagree or think completely differently than your interlocutor. Agree with praise, accept compliments - you deserve it.
- Come to terms with the mistakes of the past. And with the fact that you still have a lot of mistakes to make. This is natural for any person. We need defeats in order to understand where to move next. Take your mistakes as indications of new directions for development - this is a great path to self-improvement.
Come to terms with past mistakes
- Remove “toxic” people from your environment who constantly baselessly criticize you, insult you, and devalue your interests and problems. Truly close people should help improve self-esteem and stabilize it, rather than constant fluctuations or, even worse, decline.
Exercises to improve self-esteem
There are many videos on the Internet on how to use psychology and special exercises to increase a woman’s self-esteem and self-confidence. We attach two such videos to this article.
An ordinary mirror will help you raise your self-esteem
Additional list of useful exercises:
- “On the contrary”: imagine a situation that causes you fear and anxiety. Write down on a piece of paper the options for what you could do if this situation became real. If you have difficulties, ask your loved ones for help. When you see an impressive list, it will be easier for you to believe in your own abilities;
- "Mirror". Sit comfortably, relax, close your eyes and start breathing deeply. Gradually let go of negative thoughts. Imagine yourself in front of a mirror and examine yourself in every detail. Believe that you are incredibly beautiful and successful. Look at yourself in an imaginary mirror for as long as it takes to believe in your own strength, while constantly complimenting yourself. Then open your eyes, stand up and go to a real mirror. Repeat all the pleasant words you said earlier, looking into your eyes;
- "Self-presentation". Imagine that you need to tell about yourself in the most favorable light, but without empty embellishments. Take a piece of paper and write a speech, believing that you will have to read it to your future employers, for example. In the text, focus on your positive qualities and skills. Give as many examples as possible to support your words - remember all your good deeds. When you finish, re-read this speech - and return to it every day, and in difficult times - several times a day.
So there are many simple ways to raise self-esteem. It is much more difficult to identify the reasons why self-confidence may remain low. However, with hard work, you will definitely be able to change your quality of life for the better.
“I have low self-esteem, I think I’m worse than others...” Sound familiar? How to get rid of low self-esteem? Learning to say “I love myself” instead of “I love you” is much more difficult than it seems at first glance. Try it! In this article, neuropsychologist Cristina Martinez de Toda will tell you how to form an adequate and healthy attitude towards yourself. You will also learn the causes and consequences of low self-esteem, test your self-esteem with a self-esteem test and understand how to develop a sense of confidence, increase self-esteem and learn to love, respect and value yourself.
“Fall in love with yourself, with your life, with what surrounds you, with what you do and who you are.” Walter Riso
Low self-esteem
What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is a person’s internal assessment of himself. It is formed through both positive and negative life experiences. Self-esteem determines our expectations of ourselves and our own opinion of what we are worth and what we are, i.e. our self-worth.
Therefore, to be successful in life, you must have good self-esteem, respect and love yourself. Everyone knows about the importance of healthy self-esteem, but few people know how to preserve, protect and increase it.
“The difference between where you were yesterday and where you will be tomorrow depends on what you think, say and do TODAY.”
Reasons for low self-esteem. Why do I have low self-esteem?
What does self-esteem depend on? The problem of low self-esteem affects a huge number of people, but the most surprising thing is that few people are aware of it. When we turn to a psychologist because of depression or increased anxiety in most cases the cause of these pathologies is low self-esteem, but people usually don’t even understand this, they don’t realize how low self-esteem has a detrimental effect on their mental health.
In our minds, every person we meet on our way is unique and inimitable. Self-esteem is formed quite slowly, and although a certain role is played personal qualities, however, to the greatest extent it is shaped by lived experience and our relationships with other people. As a result, a person develops his own subjective positive or negative self-esteem.
The early years of life are crucial for developing high or low self-esteem, but experiences we have as adults can also change our self-esteem. Among the many reasons for low self-esteem, we highlight the following:
– Physical, sexual and emotional abuse, especially at an early age.
– The level of expectations of parents and teachers from the child.
– Discrimination in any form.
– Bullying (at school, etc.) .
– Loss of a loved one.
– Social isolation.
– Loss of job, unstable or a difficult situation At work.
When a person is experiencing difficulties or is in a difficult life situation, negative thoughts appear in your head on their own. About your intellectual capabilities, appearance or ability to achieve success in life.
What matters is both our life experience and how we interpret it and what conclusions we draw.
The important thing is that a low score is mainly based on beliefs, not facts, and these beliefs can be changed and corrected.
Thus, in order for us to be comfortable alone with ourselves, it is necessary to increase our own self-esteem and self-respect.
Learn to love yourself
Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale: Find out how you feel about yourself
Have you ever thought about how you really feel about yourself? I suggest you go short test which is called Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale , which will help you find out how satisfied you are with yourself.
Please note that this is only an assessment test, exercise, and in no way is not a clinical diagnosis.
The Rosenberg scale is a self-esteem test that can be used to determine whether your self-esteem is low or not. It consists of 10 statement questions, when answering which you need to choose one of the four proposed answer options, answering as sincerely and honestly as possible:
1: Completely disagree
2: I disagree
3: Agree
4: Completely agree
- I feel that I am a worthy person, at least no less than others.
- Overall I tend to think that I am a failure.
- I think I have good qualities.
- I can do things as well as most.
- I don't think I have much to be proud of.
- I feel positive about myself.
- Overall I'm pleased with myself.
- I wish I had more respect for myself.
- Sometimes I feel useless.
- Sometimes I feel like I'm not capable of anything.
Count
When answering statements 1-5, the points of answers 1-4 are counted vice versa, from 4 to 1.
Example: if for statement 1 you chose answer 4 (completely agree), you need to count 1 point.
Points for answers to statements 6-10 correspond to the answer number, i.e. answer 1 is awarded 1 point, answer 2 is awarded 2 points, etc.
results
From 30 to 40 points: High self-esteem, considered the norm.
From 26 to 29 points: Average self-esteem. There are no serious problems with self-esteem, but it is necessary to increase it.
Less than 25 points: Low self-esteem. There are serious problems with self-esteem.
Consequences of low self-esteem
Why is low self-esteem dangerous? Low self-esteem negatively affects all aspects of life. Your attitude towards yourself, self-perception, self-esteem or lack thereof will affect your performance and productivity, personal life, relationships with the outside world and with yourself.
“To learn to love others, you must first learn to love yourself”
Loving yourself is harder than it seems. Loving yourself means accepting yourself for who you are, respecting yourself, listening to yourself and your needs and desires, loving yourself for who you are, completely, with all your strengths and weaknesses.
A person who loves and values himself transmits positive vibrations to others and a desire to get to know and communicate with him. He radiates love because he accepted himself. And other people subconsciously feel it.
How to deal with low self-esteem? Love yourself!
A person who does not love, and especially does not respect himself, has a high chance of getting drawn into toxic emotional relationships and becoming emotionally dependent.
Remember that prevention is easier than cure...
How to increase self-esteem? Let's change our attitude towards ourselves!
1- Turn negative thoughts into positive ones
How to increase self-esteem? If you have low self-esteem, it is likely that you constantly convince yourself of your own inadequacy. “I can’t, I’ll fail, I won’t succeed, I’m not capable of this” or “I don’t deserve to be loved.” Do you recognize?
Although you transmit these thoughts and messages to yourself unconsciously, they are the ones that stop you from new actions, projects, and, ultimately, worsen your comfort and well-being.
Try making a list of the most frequent and characteristic negative thoughts you have, and next to each of them write a positive alternative.
For example, the phrase “ I'm not fit for this go" replace with " I'm perfect for this“. Every time a negative thought comes into your mind, stop it by turning it into a positive one. It's not easy at first, but with practice, you'll start doing it automatically.
What you say to yourself can give you power or take it away, the choice of words is yours...
2- Low self-esteem? Make a list of your achievements and successes
How to love and learn to value yourself? We usually tend to exaggerate our failures and ignore the good things that happen in our lives.
This is an unforgivable mistake. I am sure that you have important achievements, although for some reason you do not give them the importance they deserve.
If you have low self-esteem, it is very useful to make a list of your personal achievements, what you are most proud of.
For example:
– You have received an education
– Learned to play tennis
– Learned a foreign language
– Became a mom/dad
– Got the job you wanted
Post this list on your refrigerator or in a prominent place. It will remind you that you have all the data to achieve your goals.
3- Accept yourself for who you are
How to become more confident in yourself? Accept yourself entirely, with all the pros and cons. It is so obvious and at the same time so difficult. Be realistic, don’t try to change the impossible, remember your weaknesses and strengths. Proper understanding and knowledge of yourself is the most effective key to success in life and emotional well-being.
“It is much more difficult to judge yourself than others. If you can judge yourself correctly, then you are truly wise.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, “The Little Prince”.
4- Don't compare yourself to others, don't feed low self-esteem
How to deal with low self-esteem? Comparisons are harmful and rarely end well. Unless the comparison becomes a motivation for you to become better, only then will the comparison be positive and beneficial to you. You will feel admiration, not envy.
When you feel inferior to others, do not appreciate everything you have, just remember that many people only dream of becoming like you or getting what you already have. Be grateful to yourself for your personal qualities instead of reproaching and scolding yourself, trying to adapt to others.
Be critical of your requirements and never neglect what you have.
5- Find the cause of low self-esteem
The key to success in solving any problem is finding the source of the problem. We often try to cure only its symptoms instead of the disease. This may bring short-term relief, but if the disease itself is not defeated, its symptoms and signs will recur again and again throughout our lives.
If you encounter difficulties at this step, contact a specialist and make an appointment with a psychologist. He will help you find the root of the problem.
Psicóloga especializada en neuropsicología y neurociencia aplicada a la educación.
Curiosa por naturaleza, le encanta investigar sobre la conducta y comportamiento humano y compartir nuevos descubrimientos y consejos útiles que puedan ayudar a los lectores.
Experta en temas de psicología positiva e inteligencia emocional.
Ecology of life: How we treat ourselves is how others treat us. Low self-esteem is a syndrome that can lead to serious problems both in career and in personal life.
How we treat ourselves is how others treat us. Low self-esteem is a syndrome that can lead to serious problems both in your career and in your personal life.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism can be both a manifestation of low self-esteem and its cause. A perfectionist who strives for non-existent perfection or simply high standards rarely receives satisfaction from his work and is therefore more susceptible to criticism. He strives to match ideal image which he created for himself, and, not achieving it, experiences a feeling of disappointment in himself, even to the point of contempt.
Speech
A person with low self-esteem constantly uses certain words in his speech. Firstly, these are negative phrases expressing denial: “impossible, not sure, not ready, do not have the appropriate knowledge; yes, but...”
Secondly, constant apologies. And thirdly, phrases that belittle the value of a person’s actions and work. Surely you are familiar with the excuses: “I was just lucky”, “ most my colleagues did the work, and I just helped them,” and so on. People with low self-esteem do not perceive compliments and gratitude well, trying to immediately argue with praise and prove the opposite. Why? It's all about the guilt complex. It doesn't matter why. Perhaps the work was not done well enough in their opinion, or they put little effort into fulfilling the request, even if they fulfilled it. Guilt - next sign, by which you can identify a person who does not think too much about himself.
Guilt
Guilt, like perfectionism, can be a cause of low self-esteem. As psychologist Darlene Lancer says, if a person feels deeply guilty and... for a long time cannot forgive himself for this, he will constantly reproach himself for this, remind himself of his “burden on his heart” and constantly be ashamed of his actions. Ultimately, he will lose his self-respect and along with it his self-esteem.
The relationship can also be reverse. A person with low self-esteem suffers from constant self-criticism and is unable to adequately perceive the mistakes of the past. Hence the neurotic feeling of guilt in people who lack self-confidence
Depression
According to the research of a doctor of psychological sciences, Lars Madslen is the cause of frequent depression or constant bad mood There may also be a lack of self-confidence. According to her, self-esteem is the key to both development and recovery from depression, which is considered a serious psychological problem.
Excuses
People with low self-esteem tend to make excuses for others, even if their actions contradict all norms of behavior. They usually argue that everyone has their own circumstances, that everyone can be understood. Psychologists explain this position as an attempt to avoid criticism of oneself, which one may well encounter when judging others.
Lack of initiative
What really hinders people with low self-esteem in the professional sphere is a lack of initiative. Such a person, having received certain powers, will transfer them into the wrong hands whenever possible. It is not surprising, because he is not sure that he will cope with his task, even if he is an “ace” in his field. In a dispute with his interlocutor, he is also unlikely to be able to defend his position, preferring to agree with his opponent.
Indecision
Such people are not ready to bear responsibility for their decisions. They generally prefer not to decide anything. What if they make a mistake and the decision turns out to be wrong. In this case, it will not be possible to avoid criticism. The worst thing for insecure people is criticism from loved ones: relatives, friends, whom they are afraid of losing. After all, this is exactly what, in their opinion, will be the price for a wrong decision.
Trying to avoid conflicts
"If you're not sure, don't bother." This is exactly the position that people with low self-esteem take. They are ready to do anything to avoid conflict situations or tension between people. Everything should be harmonious, even if this is achieved through “white lies,” which sooner or later will lead to more serious problems.
Hostility
It also occurs back side medals, when people with low self-esteem, on the contrary, show open hostility and cynicism towards others. This is just a variant of a defensive position, as they say: “ The best way defense - attack."
Fatigue, insomnia, headache
Symptoms of low self-esteem can be not only psychological, but also physical. According to psychologists, extreme self-disappointment leads to chronic insomnia, fatigue and headaches. published
A person's self-esteem influences his life. It seems that there is no need to start from evaluating yourself. However, it is how a person perceives himself and what he believes in that will determine his well-being and happiness. Low self-esteem, with all its symptoms, never brings happiness. The reasons for its occurrence are very diverse. However, it is their elimination that allows you to get rid of low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem can be called differently: “a sense of one’s own insignificance” and a “victim complex.” For some objective or biased reasons, a person perceives himself negatively. He doesn’t love himself, doesn’t respect himself, doesn’t value himself. As for personal potential, it seems to a person that he does not have it at all.
Can a person with low self-esteem achieve any heights? No. Even if he has some goals, he will rather turn them into dreams and desires than make efforts to realize them. A person who treats himself as a nonentity, unable to achieve or do anything, will not be able to jump above his head. He will think that other people are happier and luckier than him. Although the difference will only be that those around them are trying to jump above the demonstrated capabilities, and a person with low self-esteem will draw conclusions without taking or doing anything.
Low self-esteem is in first place in terms of prevalence. There are many “victims” and “nobodies” living around everyone. Often these people only pretend to be such, but in fact they have inflated self-esteem. However, the position of the victim helps them achieve what they want. If there are achievements, then we are not talking about low self-esteem. This is the difference:
- With high self-esteem, a person achieves what he wants, even if he exhibits personality traits with low self-esteem.
- With low self-esteem, a person never achieves goals, constantly suffers and does not enjoy anything.
What is low self-esteem?
What is low self-esteem? This is a person’s assessment of himself from the position of “I’m insignificant”, “I can’t do anything”, “I won’t succeed”, etc. This is a negative attitude towards himself in comparison with other people, which is expressed in the formula “I am , Others+".
Those around them seem more successful, smart, beautiful and worthy than a person thinks about himself. Low self-esteem begins in childhood, when parents are involved in raising a person, and it can manifest itself at any age. Associated qualities that develop in a person with low self-esteem are:
- Lack of self-confidence and personal potential.
- Embarrassment.
- Fear of rejection.
- Cowardice.
- Fear of not being accepted in society.
- Indecisiveness.
- Lack of belief in one's own attractiveness.
- Shyness.
- Excessive touchiness.
- Fear of appearing funny.
- Inability to defend oneself and one's honor.
- Disrespect and dislike for yourself.
There is no need to say that a person with low self-esteem will achieve success. This is why people with this quality dream of increasing their self-esteem. They say that it is better to have high self-esteem than low self-esteem. Of course, neither extreme gives happiness to a person, however, high self-esteem has one advantage over low self-esteem - an arrogant person achieves success in at least something, while a person who considers himself insignificant does not achieve any happiness.
Low self-esteem is the most common. This lies in the reasons that form it, as well as in the moral foundations of society that are promoted.
A common feature of high and low self-esteem is that a person does not look at himself realistically. A feature of low self-esteem is that a person notes mainly shortcomings in himself, while he sees only advantages in other people.
A person does not evaluate himself adequately when he sees his strengths and weaknesses. With low self-esteem, he notices only his own shortcomings, often exaggerating them and focusing attention on them. As for the advantages, in a person’s opinion, they may exist, but they are so insignificant that they should not be paid attention to.
Success cannot be achieved by noting only your shortcomings. This is why a person with low self-esteem achieves nothing. Moreover, he is so fixated on his own flaws and weaknesses that he cultivates them in himself. He does everything to make them manifest even more.
Causes of low self-esteem
The main reasons for low self-esteem are:
- Parental evaluation of a person when he was young.
- Agreement with the opinions of other people as the only truth.
- Focusing on your own failures.
- High level of aspiration.
Low self-esteem begins in childhood, when a child is not able to evaluate himself adequately, and therefore relies on the opinion of his parents. People who are significant to him are Gods, whose opinion he completely trusts. If parents constantly criticize, compare the child with other children, point out his shortcomings, do not show love, talk about what he is bad at, then low self-esteem will certainly develop. The child begins to believe that constant criticism of him and finding shortcomings in him is the norm.
Parents often form low self-esteem when they elevate other people to an ideal that the child must meet. The child must behave like or be like certain people pointed out by his parents. Since it is difficult even for an adult to be someone other than himself, a different person, a conflict arises between the desired and the actual. The child begins to criticize himself for his own inability to be someone else, not himself.
Focusing on a child's external defects or illness can also lead to a decrease in self-esteem. If parents teach a child to evaluate himself from the perspective of how beautiful he is, how many toys he has, how healthy, how strong he is, etc., then any discrepancy with the ideals will lower the child’s self-esteem.
All people at any age face criticism from others. If you take it on faith, as truth and an irrefutable axiom, then self-esteem will certainly be low. It is more common for people around us to criticize than to admire each other. Therefore, a person’s self-esteem will often depend on the opinions of others and, most often, be underestimated.
What a person focuses on plays a significant role in the development of low self-esteem. Everyone has failures and problems. However, those who focus on this, plunge into the abyss of despair and depression due to the failure that has arisen, and develop low self-esteem.
Moreover, it is also caused by excessive demands on oneself. When a person wants to achieve high results in as soon as possible, he certainly encounters difficulties and difficulties, which in the end he is not able to solve and eliminate. Another failure leads to disappointment in oneself, because the demands were set too high, beyond the capabilities of an ordinary person.
Signs of low self-esteem
People with low self-esteem are quite easy to identify. They show certain signs of low self-esteem, which are:
- Negative attitude towards oneself: lack of love, respect, self-worth, etc.
- Choice, surrounding oneself and establishing relationships with people who will treat a person according to his personal self-esteem: not love him, criticize him, humiliate him, etc.
- Constant complaints about circumstances, life, the inability to change anything.
- Calling yourself a weakling, unlucky, etc.
- Evoking pity from others.
- Dependent behavior on the attitude of others. You can hurt him, offend him, spoil his mood, etc.
- Noticing in others the shortcomings that he himself possesses.
- Blaming others for one's own troubles in order to shift responsibility onto them.
- The desire to be weak and sick in order to receive from people the attention and care that he does not receive when he is healthy.
- Ungroomed appearance. Posture and gestures are hesitant, withdrawn, closed.
- Constantly finding flaws in yourself.
- Treating outside criticism as proof of one’s own inferiority, an insult, or a mental wound.
- Lack of friends.
- Familiar, boastful, demonstrative behavior in order to hide negative attitude to yourself.
- Inability to make a decision.
- Inability to perform a new action because there is a fear of making a mistake.
How to get rid of low self-esteem?
High and low self-esteem are extremes to which people fall. When faced with failure, high self-esteem instantly falls, and when success is achieved, a person suddenly begins to feel omnipotent. This indicates instability of self-esteem, which will not allow a person to live fully. How to get rid of low self-esteem?
You can seek help from a psychologist on the website, or you can cope with the problem in question on your own. Psychologists give the following advice:
- Start celebrating your strengths. Pay more attention to them. In order not to develop inflated self-esteem, you should see your strengths and weaknesses, treating both sides of your personality normally.
- Make yourself happy. Finally start living for your own pleasure. You shouldn't give up your responsibilities and work, but you shouldn't give up those hobbies that bring you happiness.
- Love yourself. Love is about accepting yourself with all the strong and weaknesses. You - a common person, which may have flaws along with advantages.
- Watch your appearance. You don’t have to pretend to be a top model or go under a surgeon’s scalpel. It’s enough just to appreciate your natural, natural appearance and make it attractive.
- Train your willpower, which can be done through sports, self-control, etc.
- Change your thinking to a positive one. Immerse yourself less in bad thoughts. They may arise in your mind, but allow good thoughts to fill your head.
Bottom line
Low self-esteem is not much better than high self-esteem. A person constantly lives in his own illusions, which prevent him from adequately seeing himself and assessing the behavior of others. Often other people take advantage of this, which leads to a sad outcome when a person again faces disappointment. To prevent this from happening, you need to see yourself in a real light and evaluate your potential objectively, accepting all your strengths and weaknesses equally.
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