It's normal to quarrel sometimes. But if you are parents, then you need to learn to control yourself, since quarrels in front of your child can negatively affect his development.
Quarrels are usually impulsive and filled with strong feelings and emotions. Even smart, well-mannered people sometimes break down under the influence various factors. But it is very important not to let your emotions control you 100% in this situation. If there are two of you, quarrels concern only you, but when the baby appears, you need to think about what will happen to him at this moment and in many years to come.
The human brain works in such a way that it is difficult for us to distinguish right from wrong in an excited state, words and actions themselves burst out. When parents swear, insult or even hit each other, they may not always realize at that moment what impact their actions have on their children. You can make peace 10 minutes after the “explosion,” but the damage to the child’s psyche will already have been done.
Most quarrels among parents are the result of an inability to resolve conflicts and cope with differences.
What will swearing in front of a child lead to?
Everything that happens in a family stays with a person for life. Any events - good or bad - have an impact on the development and formation of character. Therefore, it is very important to have a friendly and trusting environment at home.
"Children are like emotional Geiger counters," says E. Mark Cummings, a psychologist at the University of Notre Dame who and his colleagues have published hundreds of papers over two decades on the subject. Cummings believes that children pay close attention emotions of their parents, receiving information about how safe they can feel in the family. When parents are destructive, the collateral damage done to children can affect their entire lives.
"Conflict is a common part Everyday life, but what matters is not whether the parents fight. What is more important is how the conflict is expressed and resolved, and especially how children feel about it. Observing some conflicts can even be beneficial for children. When they see that their parents are able to decide complex problems, says Cummings, “they can develop better.”
It is unacceptable in front of children to descend to verbal and physical aggression, the use of obscene language, insults and threats. It is also undesirable to withdraw into oneself or walk away from a conflict without resolving it, including literally leaving, for example, running out of the house in anger.
How children react to parents' quarrel
When parents argue often, some children become anxious, lose trust in the world around them, and withdraw into themselves. Others may react aggressively, deliberately causing problems at home and at school. Children may develop sleep disturbances and health problems, headaches and stomach pains, or frequent colds. Stress may make it difficult for them to concentrate on lessons or activities, and school performance may decline. Most children who grow up in conflict environments have problems forming healthy relationships with peers, and in the future, difficulties with romantic relationships and creating a harmonious family.
Research shows that boys and girls may also react differently, with girls experiencing more emotional risk, and boys are at greater risk of developing behavioral problems.
Because the kids are just trying to understand the world, it is important that they can predict the behavior and reactions of their loved ones. This gives a feeling of stability and security.
If children experience a lot of shock and live in an environment of unpredictability, they will be wary of the world around them, will not know what to expect, and will not be confident in their own actions. It is important that parents talk to the baby, answer questions, talk about their feelings, fears, relationships and their childhood, relationships in their family. Then a strong connection is formed.
If parents close themselves off from their children difficult situations, children will not be able to develop healthy self-esteem and an adequate perception of the world.
What not to do in front of a child
A study conducted by the University of York (UK) found that children of divorced parents suffered more from arguments during their marriage than from the divorce itself. In some cases, divorce is a better option for children than constant arguing and tension. This is important to understand for parents who stay together only because of the child, thereby doing him a “disservice.”
Unresolved conflicts between parents have an impact on children's development in early age, mental health and future success.
In conflicts you cannot:
- Use children as messengers between parents.
- Humiliate your partner or his family.
- Use the child as a witness in a showdown, put pressure on the child, force him to choose which side he is on.
- Turning your child against your spouse.
- Threaten each other verbally or physically.
- Leaving home without resolving the conflict.
- Leaving the baby alone in the room without explaining the situation.
- Blame a quarrel between the child's parents.
How to quarrel in front of a child
There are situations when it is impossible to completely avoid conflict. In this case, it is important to control your emotions as much as possible. Firstly, it will benefit the relationship. No marriage is strengthened by words thrown in the heat of the moment. And secondly, a calm analysis of a conflict situation will help maintain a sense of security in children.
Some tips on how to behave if you cannot avoid a quarrel.
- Control yourself and release your anger in parts. Do not pour out all your complaints on your spouse at once, but sort them out step by step. Be careful what you say and how you say it. Don't attack, but talk about how you feel and what you're upset about.
- Avoid insults, curse words, and harsh statements such as “You NEVER pick up your child on time” or “You are ALWAYS late.” Surely this is not the case. Just in this moment It’s the negative situations that come to mind.
- Learn to resolve conflicts, learn the art of compromise. If you want your partner to be more attentive and polite, start with yourself. Always apologize if you are wrong. The child must see how to correctly admit his guilt. And if you are offended, take a short break before exploding. Take a break, try to look at the situation from your partner’s side.
- Always communicate directly with your partner without involving your child. It is important for children to see that parents can take responsibility for their actions, feelings, emotions, and not shift it to others.
- If conflicts are a common occurrence in your family, take your child to kindergarten, grandma, or use the services of a nanny for a few hours to be alone and discuss all the difficulties. If you cannot find a compromise, seek professional help from a family psychologist.
The child is not to blame
It is important for children to know what is happening between their parents. If mom and dad can't find mutual language, the child may be scared, sad, lonely. Depending on the age of the child, it is important to be brief and honest. This will help children understand that disagreements between two people sometimes happen, but "Mom and Dad will try to solve all the problems." It is important to tell your child how much you love him, that you will not abandon him, that you will support him, etc., regardless of what is happening in the family.
In addition, it is important for children to understand that they are not responsible for disagreement between parents. After the conflict has been resolved, it is important to tell the child about it, explain how you can make peace, come to an agreement, or separate if this is the only way out. All this needs to be explained without unnecessary emotions, kindly.
Guide to action
1. This is exactly the first thing you should start with: allow yourself to feel how you feel. This is what they do with feelings - they feel them and accept them as they are. Just pay attention to what you feel, allow yourself to do so.
Sometimes you can change a feeling simply by recognizing that it is there - without even having to do anything about it.
2. Know firmly that you are not to blame. Your parents' relationship is their relationship. This means that only your parents are responsible for how they turn out. The child is never responsible for the sad events that happen to mom and dad. You have nothing to do with this.
3. Don't interfere. Precisely because you have nothing to do with it, your attempts to intervene, reconcile, judge, give helpful advice etc. V best case scenario absolutely useless, at worst - they can cause a surge of aggression in your direction, you will find yourself “extreme”. As you know, in a fight, the one who separates gets the most.
4. Mind your own business. If you can find something to do, then you will be able to “kill two birds with one stone”: firstly, you will not get in the way of your parents’ feet, and secondly, any activity will help you express your feelings, feel calmer and more confident. You can draw a picture, turn on music, dance, go for a walk with your dog or friends - any activity that you like. You can simply write down what you feel on a piece of paper.
5. After a quarrel, let your parents “cool down”; do not fall under the hot hand. Sometimes it is better to avoid certain events and people. Your own affairs and activities will come in handy here too.
6. Maintain neutrality. It often happens that the scandal has subsided, but the parents still do not communicate. As you remember, whether they communicate with each other or not is their own business, and you try not to take the side of one of them. This will relieve you of feelings of guilt towards one of your parents. Although this is not easy, it is worth it, because if you enter into a conflict with one of them, you risk ruining your relationship with him for a long time.
8. Support your parents. Parents are living people who experience the same feelings as you, they also have a hard time, and they deserve your love. Tell them about your love, that they are dear to you, and perhaps it will become easier for them to live in the world. Remember that both parents need support: even if it seems to you that one is right and the other is wrong, both sides are always involved in the conflict.
9. Ask for help. Sometimes the quarrel passes and is forgotten, the parents make up and everything is fine - and this is absolutely normal, this is part of life. But it happens that quarrels come one after another, and it gets worse and worse, and very terrible things begin to happen - parents stop behaving as parents should. For example, they drink a lot, beat you or each other, maybe do something else that scares you. Remember that not a single child in the world can help in such a serious situation. In such cases, adults, and only adults, are needed. There are many adults around, specialists who know how to help you and your family. You can talk about what is happening with your grandmother, with your aunt, with your teacher, with a psychologist - the main thing is that you trust this person. In any case, you can always call the helpline or special centers help. And if there is even a small hope that the situation can be corrected, everything possible must be done for this.
Poor kids! If only parents understood how their children were suffering, if they could contain all the fear within themselves, they would never dare to quarrel in front of them!!... and indeed...
All you can do in this situation is plug your ears and go to another room or to a landing or street and wait. Never take fear into yourself!! You are not to blame for anything!! Better to wait it out.
Mom and dad fight over and over again. Again the screams, again the misunderstanding, again the child’s desire to hide in the room so as not to see or hear these quarrels. The question “why can’t we live peacefully” is, as always, empty. Mom will just look away, dad will pat him on the shoulder, and everyone will say “everything is fine.” But - alas! - the situation gets worse with every quarrel.
What should a child do?
Causes of parental quarrels - why do parents swear and even fight?
Quarrels happen in every family. Some quarrel on a large scale - with fights and damage to property, others - through clenched teeth and slamming doors, others - out of habit, only to then make peace just as violently.
Regardless of the scale of the quarrel, it always affects the children, who suffer more than anyone else in this situation and suffer from hopelessness.
Why do parents fight - what are the reasons for their quarrels?
- Parents are tired of each other. They have been living together for quite a long time, but there are practically no common interests. Misunderstandings between them and reluctance to give in to each other develop into conflicts.
- Tired of work. Dad works “three shifts”, and his fatigue spills out in the form of irritation. And if at the same time the mother does not particularly take care of the household, devoting too much time to herself instead of taking care of the house and children, then the irritation becomes even stronger. It also happens the other way around - mom is forced to work “3 shifts,” and dad lies all day on the sofa watching TV or under the car in the garage.
- Jealousy . It can happen for no reason, simply because dad is afraid of losing mom (or vice versa).
Also, the causes of quarrels are often...
- Mutual grievances.
- Constant control and surveillance of one parent after another.
- Lack of romance, tenderness and care for each other in the relationship between parents (when love leaves the relationship and only habits remain).
- Lack of money in the family budget.
In fact, there are thousands of reasons for quarrels. It’s just that some people successfully avoid problems, preferring not to let “everyday life” into the relationship, while others find a solution to the problem only in the process of a quarrel.
What to do when parents quarrel with each other and even fight - instructions for children and teenagers
Many children are familiar with the situation when they don’t know what to do with themselves during a quarrel between their parents. It is impossible to get involved in their quarrel, and standing and listening is unbearable. I want to fall through the ground.
And the situation becomes even more acute if the quarrel is accompanied by a fight.
Certainly, You shouldn’t tell everyone about the problems in the house between your parents , if these quarrels are temporary and concern only everyday trifles, if the quarrels quickly subside, and the parents really love each other and their child, and sometimes they just get so tired that it results in quarrels.
After all, if a mother yells at a child, this does not mean that she does not love him or wants to kick him out of the house. It’s the same with parents - they may shout at each other, but this does not mean at all that they are ready to break up or fight.
The thing is that a call to a teacher, psychologist, helpline or police can have very serious consequences for parents and the child himself: the child can be taken to Orphanage, and deprive parents of parental rights. Therefore, you should call serious authorities only if if the situation really threatens the health and life of the mother or the child himself .
And if you are simply worried and scared about your parents’ marriage, then it is better to share the problem with those who can influence the parents without the participation of the police and the guardianship service in the problem - for example, with grandparents, with best friends mothers and fathers, and other people close to the child.
How to make sure that parents never quarrel or fight?
Every child feels defenseless, abandoned and helpless when parents quarrel. And the child always finds himself between two fires, because it is impossible to choose someone’s side when you love both parents.
In a global sense, a child, of course, will not be able to change the situation, because even a common child cannot make two adults love each other again if they decide to separate. But if the situation has not yet reached such a stage, and parents’ quarrels are only a temporary phenomenon, then you can help them get closer.
For example…
- Make a video montage best photos parents - from the moment they met until current day, with beautiful music, as a sincere gift for mom and dad. Let the parents remember how much they were in love with each other, and how many pleasant moments there were in their life together. Naturally, a child should also be present in this film (collage, presentation - it doesn’t matter).
- Prepare a delicious romantic dinner for mom and dad. If the child is still too young for the kitchen or simply does not have culinary skills, then you can invite, for example, your grandmother to dinner so that she can help in this difficult task (on the sly, of course).
- Buy your parents (with the help, again, of your grandmother or other relatives) movie tickets on good film or to a concert (let them remember their youth).
- Offer to go on a hike together , on vacation, on a picnic, etc.
- Record their arguments on camera (better hidden) and then show them how they look from the outside.
Attempts to reconcile parents were unsuccessful?
Don't panic or despair.
Alas, there are situations when mom and dad cannot be influenced. It happens that divorce becomes the only way out - this is life. You need to come to terms with this and accept the situation as it is.
But it is important to remember that your parents - even if they separate - will not stop loving you!
Video: What should I do if my parents are getting divorced?
Have there been similar situations in your life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!
Two parents are to blame for the quarrel, but what should a child do when he finds himself between the fires? Take dad's side and endlessly listen to his mother's screams and reproaches, or take the side of the woman who carried him for 9 months and did not sleep at night after birth? The best option- reconcile parents and become again friendly family. Let's try to figure out together how to do this.
Find out the real reason for the quarrel
Try to find out why the father and mother had a fight. Perhaps dad stopped caring or mom forgot how to cook delicious borscht? You have to figure it out. In cases where parents betrayed each other or one of them began to drink, children are powerless. All that remains is to make the decision of adults or express your own point of view.
Finding out the reason is quite simple. You need to talk to your parents separately, but you will have to do this in a simple way so that they do not guess your true motives. Did dad get ready and go to work? Great, time to act. Go up to your mom at breakfast and ask casually why they are fighting. Find out the full scale of the conflict and find out if the parents are planning to divorce. If the answer is negative, the situation can be corrected.
Did your mother answer your questions? Talk about your feelings. Let them know that you feel bad because of the constant swearing, that you can’t sleep peacefully because the bad thoughts in your head don’t allow you to do so. Women are highly suggestible, let your mother feel your feelings. She must realize that quarrels cripple the child’s psyche.
We need to bring the situation to light new level so that the mother looks at the conflict from the teenager’s point of view. Make up a story where Dad tries to make peace but can't find a way to approach it. Casually ask her to apologize first, if possible. Now do the same shenanigans with Dad when Mom isn't around.
Be cunning
Try to reconcile your parents with your actions. Come up with a plan to help them communicate with each other calmly, without shouting or breaking dishes.
Option #1. Invite your mom to go to the park to feed the pigeons, emphasize that you want to spend time together. Go to dad, tell him the same thing, but so that he doesn’t guess about the double conspiracy. Plan a walk, for example, at 19:00. It is advisable that the father leaves work at this time; he does not need to see how the mother is getting ready.
Option #2. When parents are in good mood, come up and ask the three of you to go to the cinema. Make it clear how much you miss spending time together, and refusal will not be accepted. Women are cunning creatures, mom can suddenly have things to do, cleaning the apartment, washing things. Let them know that you will do the housework yourself. Choose a romantic comedy, ladies are extremely sentimental.
An alternative would be to watch movies at home. Agree to order pizza or ask mom to cook a delicious dinner. Turn on a fun family movie and comment on the actions of the characters. Try to create a relaxed atmosphere, make parents smile or laugh.
Option #3. While finding out the cause of the quarrel, you probably understood whether it was serious or not. In cases where the mother is Once again You’re offended by your father and don’t want to talk, ask your dad for money for your own needs. Instead, buy your mother a huge bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates and some feminine trinkets. Say that the gift is from dad, but he asked not to give it away.
If your father is offended, ask your mother for money. Buy perfume or other item of your choice. Tell the parent that Mom gave the gift, but she doesn't want Dad to know. In a conversation, stand your ground and look into your eyes, otherwise they will immediately see through you.
Option number 4. Prepare a romantic dinner when your parents are away from home. You don’t have to cook the food yourself, order home delivery, light candles, set the table. The difficulty may lie in purchasing wine, since alcohol is not sold to persons under 18 years of age. In this situation, you will have to buy children's champagne, let the parents drink it. Do you have a relative living nearby who will do the shopping for you? Great, go for it.
You can have a surprise in your room, but don't let your parents in while you're getting ready. Set the table, invite them and solemnly declare “Dad and Mom, I love you madly!” Stop swearing, sit down to eat and drink champagne!”
Can't reconcile your parents? Do not despair! The main thing is not to turn attention to yourself by using alcohol or tobacco. Don't skip school/college, don't get into fights. This method will only quarrel between mom and dad; approach the situation with cunning.
Video: how to reconcile parents
Dear N.,
It is very painful to see how parents quarrel among themselves, and I really want to somehow change and fix it. But the only thing children can do in such situations is to get away from their quarreling parents. I mean both psychologically and physically. Those. leave the room where the argument is taking place, go to some corner of your own, put on headphones and don’t listen. And also remain completely neutral, even if the parents drag them into this quarrel and start saying: “Look how your father (your mother) behaves, tell him (her),” etc. You should always very politely respond that “You both are my parents and I can’t interfere and take anyone’s side.” This answer needs to be repeated as many times as necessary for the parents to understand: You really are not going to interfere in their quarrel and support any of them.
From a Jewish perspective, you should honor both. And from the point of view of an objective attitude and preserving one’s own personality in this unpleasant situation: you need to know that no one is able to fully understand the relationship between spouses. And therefore, even when it seems to you: it is clear as day that one of the parties is to blame, in fact, you do not know the whole background and how the other party could provoke this quarrel. And therefore, as a daughter, you should stay away. What you can always do is at such moments to pray to the Almighty so that He will help your parents improve their relationship.
I wish you all the best, Tziporah Haritan
Mom and dad fight over and over again. Again the screams, again the misunderstanding, again the child’s desire to hide in the room so as not to see or hear these quarrels. The question “why can’t we live peacefully” is, as always, empty. Mom will just look away, dad will pat him on the shoulder, and everyone will say “everything is fine.” But - alas! - the situation gets worse with every quarrel.
What should a child do?
Causes of parental quarrels - why do parents swear and even fight?
Quarrels happen in every family. Some quarrel on a large scale - with fights and damage to property, others - through clenched teeth and slamming doors, others - out of habit, only to then make peace just as violently.
Regardless of the scale of the quarrel, it always affects the children, who suffer more than anyone else in this situation and suffer from hopelessness.
Why do parents fight - what are the reasons for their quarrels?
- Parents are tired of each other. They have been living together for quite a long time, but there are practically no common interests. Misunderstandings between them and reluctance to give in to each other develop into conflicts.
- Tired of work. Dad works “three shifts”, and his fatigue spills out in the form of irritation. And if at the same time the mother does not particularly take care of the household, devoting too much time to herself instead of taking care of the house and children, then the irritation becomes even stronger. It also happens the other way around - mom is forced to work “3 shifts,” and dad lies all day on the sofa watching TV or under the car in the garage.
- Jealousy . It can happen for no reason, simply because dad is afraid of losing mom (or vice versa).
Also, the causes of quarrels are often...
- Mutual grievances.
- Constant control and surveillance of one parent after another.
- Lack of romance, tenderness and care for each other in the relationship between parents (when love leaves the relationship and only habits remain).
- Lack of money in the family budget.
In fact, there are thousands of reasons for quarrels. It’s just that some people successfully avoid problems, preferring not to let “everyday life” into the relationship, while others find a solution to the problem only in the process of a quarrel.
What to do when parents quarrel with each other and even fight - instructions for children and teenagers
Many children are familiar with the situation when they don’t know what to do with themselves during a quarrel between their parents. It is impossible to get involved in their quarrel, and standing and listening is unbearable. I want to fall through the ground.
And the situation becomes even more acute if the quarrel is accompanied by a fight.
Certainly, You shouldn’t tell everyone about the problems in the house between your parents , if these quarrels are temporary and concern only everyday trifles, if the quarrels quickly subside, and the parents really love each other and their child, and sometimes they just get so tired that it results in quarrels.
After all, if a mother yells at a child, this does not mean that she does not love him or wants to kick him out of the house. It’s the same with parents - they may shout at each other, but this does not mean at all that they are ready to break up or fight.
The thing is that a call to a teacher, psychologist, helpline or police can have very serious consequences for the parents and the child himself: the child can be taken to an orphanage, and the parents can be deprived of parental rights. Therefore, you should call serious authorities only if if the situation really threatens the health and life of the mother or the child himself .
And if you are simply worried and scared about your parents’ marriage, then it is better to share the problem with those who can influence the parents without the involvement of the police and the guardianship service in the problem - for example, with grandparents, mom and dad, and other people close to the child.
How to make sure that parents never quarrel or fight?
Every child feels defenseless, abandoned and helpless when parents quarrel. And the child always finds himself between two fires, because it is impossible to choose someone’s side when you love both parents.
In a global sense, a child, of course, will not be able to change the situation, because even a common child cannot make two adults love each other again if they decide to separate. But if the situation has not yet reached such a stage, and parents’ quarrels are only a temporary phenomenon, then you can help them get closer.
For example…
- Make a video montage of the best photos of your parents - from the moment they met until the current day, with beautiful music, as a sincere gift for mom and dad. Let the parents remember how much they were in love with each other, and how many pleasant moments there were in their life together. Naturally, a child should also be present in this film (collage, presentation - it doesn’t matter).
- Prepare a delicious romantic dinner for mom and dad. If the child is still too young for the kitchen or simply does not have culinary skills, then you can invite, for example, your grandmother to dinner so that she can help in this difficult task (on the sly, of course).
- Buy your parents (with the help, again, of your grandmother or other relatives) movie tickets to a good movie or to a concert (let them remember their youth).
- Offer to go on a hike together , on vacation, on a picnic, etc.
- Record their arguments on camera (better hidden) and then show them how they look from the outside.
Attempts to reconcile parents were unsuccessful?
Don't panic or despair.
Alas, there are situations when mom and dad cannot be influenced. It happens that divorce becomes the only way out - this is life. You need to come to terms with this and accept the situation as it is.
But it is important to remember that your parents - even if they separate - will not stop loving you!
Video: What should I do if my parents are getting divorced?
Have there been similar situations in your life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!
For children from one year to about three years old, parents are “ideal beings”, role models. Therefore, everything that happens in the family is automatically “transferred” by the child to the environment around him. social environment. And if regular quarrels occur between mom and dad, then, upon arriving at kindergarten, the baby begins to play innocent games, copying adult life, act out anger, aggression, resentment - what his beloved parents “taught” him.
He considers such conditions to be the norm of life, because this is how the best, beloved people, whom the child still trusts, behave this way.
They sense the approaching “thunderstorm” very subtly. It is not necessary to shout loudly and stomp your feet; caustic jokes, ridicule, tense voices and frozen faces are enough.
Even when they do not understand the meaning of all these “adult” words, children pick up anger and irritation like antennae. Children under three years old often start crying. Some preschoolers cling tightly, like ticks, to one of their parents, others quietly disappear into their room and cry there from hopelessness. And only in puberty, when children gradually begin to understand what we're talking about, they begin to express their own opinions or, more often than not, simply retreat into the shadows.
The younger the children, the more insecure and defenseless they feel when they find themselves in the “epicenter” of a quarrel, since they cannot guess - bad weather will it end soon or has the “end of the world” already arrived?
Quarrels cannot always be avoided, but you can always try to follow these rules:
Children are not judges! And therefore, you cannot ask them such provocative questions, such as “Do you think it’s good that daddy always comes home so late?”, thereby forcing the child to take the side of one of the parents.
Children are not always to blame! But even when the quarrel has nothing to do with them, they still feel it - so why increase this feeling even more? Accusations such as “It’s because of you that we are now tearing each other’s throats out!” must be excluded. And even if the cause of the quarrel was different opinions in matters of raising children, then the responsibility of the parents is to resolve these problems among themselves without involving the child.
Children are very loyal creatures! So accusations towards an opponent in a verbal (we really hope) battle should be spent very sparingly, because the child still loves someone who, in the opinion of his wounded “morally” opponent, is doing a lot of things wrong.
Children are not strategists! They cannot make decisions under pressure, and nothing panics them more than a threat from one of their parents.
Children - no! They get very scared when one of the parents runs out of the house in anger, because they cannot understand whether dad or mom will return. And when?
To prevent the impending disaster, children become unusually inventive. They stomp their feet in their room, jump and scream, throw out all the things from the closet, unexpectedly fall out of bed, or maybe they just break something on purpose. Theoretically, this is another reason for shouting, but on the other hand, under the guise of the phrase “How is my child?” quietly leave and avoid a quarrel. Small pauses during arguments will help release steam and prevent difficult conversations from climaxing.
If, nevertheless, eternal quarrels are inevitable, every day at home plates fly and voices ringing from tension are heard, then it is better to honestly tell the child: mom and dad are fighting because they no longer understand each other well. What especially needs to be emphasized is that his parents will forever remain his parents, even if they divorce. And they will still love their child. Of course, it’s painful for the child, but it’s still better than a quarrel that lasts for years.
It is important that parents do not deny their dissatisfaction with their partner, and explain to the child that “war” does not apply to him. The baby will no longer suffer from remorse, although he will lose some of it. But he will understand that if he once had the opportunity to rule the world in the family, then he will be able to do this quite successfully in the future.
What should a parent do if his daughter/son intervened in a quarrel:
Be careful: don't just send him away. It’s easier to honestly say that at the moment mom or dad are very angry and irritated, the children are not particularly interested in the details.
Leave the escape route clear: the child should be able to decide for himself whether he wants to stay or leave. Don’t insist that your child “lag behind” - sometimes it’s worse to sit alone in a room and hear a quarrel outside the door than to be present.
React truthfully. "Everything will be fine!" - this is a proposal and partly not as reassuring as it seems, since often the question “Will everything be okay?” has no answer. Make only those promises that you can keep.
Stay loyal: a child is not a psychologist! His soothing caresses can be a balm for the soul, but they also create a negative attitude of the other parent towards the “comforted”. Children often stand up for whoever is weaker in a conflict.
Avoid wrong maneuvers. There is no point in acting as if nothing happened. The discontent that ferments inside eventually breaks out, and on a completely ordinary and inappropriate day.
The best fight is the one that ends someday. It’s not bad if at the same time all its participants can save their face, since then the child will actually receive something important for his future life lesson, namely, that compromises must be sought, and conflicts can be completely eliminated or an alternative solution to the dispute can be found.
Therefore, quarrels that have come to an end are only half terrible. It’s easy for a child to notice the “point” if the parents, after the end of the conflict, clearly signal: “It’s over! We are friends again! or at least, “That’s it, a short smoke break! You can talk to us normally again.” A good solution is to celebrate the truce by going to a restaurant and spending time together.
Quarrels lead to confusion and make us more vulnerable, and aggressive quarrels have a particularly stressful effect on us. Aggressive does not mean those during which parents give up. It's enough that adults shout, threaten, shift blame onto each other and always complain. Therapists advise children who are regularly present in such conflicts to avoid them as actively as possible, since such quarrels are often overwhelming, and children withdraw into themselves.
It is impossible to accurately predict or organize a quarrel; it would be enough to refrain from “gross violations of the rules” in the presence of a child. Most people succeed until they reach the boiling point. The art is to discern this moment and sober up, at the latest when it comes only to feelings and mental wounds, and not the original cause of the quarrel.
Hello! My problem may seem insignificant to you, but I really need help. The fact is that my parents are again, for the umpteenth time, swearing and swearing very strongly! Moreover, because of the little things! Many times it comes to divorce, they reconcile, a week goes by at most, and then, then they quarrel again, yell at each other, offer to divorce. And all this happened in front of my brother and me (he is two years old). Because of their quarrels, they stopped paying attention to me, the maximum attitude towards me is a scream, or irritated conversations... I try in every possible way to please them, but to no avail... Maybe they don’t need me, maybe they stopped loving me or Are you tired of me? Help me please! It really hurts me to watch them fight! What should I do? Thank you in advance...
Polina, Novosibirsk, Russia, 13 years old
Answer:
Psychologist-consultant
Hello, Polina.
Parents can never stop loving their children. Remember this once and for all. This is the first. Secondly, they need you and will continue to need you, no matter what happens to them. Now it looks like your parents are focused on each other and are not paying you the usual (as before) attention, from which you conclude that you are no longer needed and are tired of you. In fact, parents have their own relationships and their own emotions, in this case negative, accumulated ones (anger, resentment, fatigue, irritation), which you project onto yourself. There is not only you in the family. Parents have their own relationship with each other as a man and a woman. And yes, everything is not always smooth in relationships, there are crises. There is no need to try to please your parents. And by doing this, draw attention to yourself, become a reconciliator. Don't take on what is not yours. You are the daughter. Their relationship with each other is their relationship. Everything will be alright.
Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.
Hello dear readers. In this article we will look at a situation with parents when they constantly argue. You will become aware of the reasons why scandals may arise. Find out how to behave in such a situation. Also check out the tips for adults.
Possible reasons
Let's look at why parents argue and what can influence this.
- Tired of each other. The adults have been living together for years; there are practically no common interests left. Reluctance to give in to one’s opinion and misunderstandings lead to constant conflicts.
- Problems at work. A situation where a father or mother works “three jobs” and expresses their fatigue with irritation towards their significant other, and sometimes towards their children. If the spouse who stays at home with the children does not look after the household or take care of the kids, then the intensity of passions increases.
- Jealousy. A situation when one of the parents begins to be jealous of the other, suggesting that the partner has an affair. Sometimes jealousy can be justified, sometimes in vain.
- Cooling of relationships. A situation where there is no longer romance between parents, they have stopped caring for each other and showing tenderness.
- Financial difficulties. Often quarrels arise on financial grounds when the family lacks money. For example, a mother may blame her father for his inability to provide for the family. A man can reproach a woman for sitting at home and not wanting to go to work when the family does not have enough money for a normal existence.
- Different views on the process of raising children and on life in general. Adults can make trouble when their points of view do not coincide. However, they do not understand that they can compromise.
- Tyranny in the family. Scandals can arise in situations where one parent tries to subjugate the other. This is mom and dad and a despot man and woman.
- Living together for several generations under one roof can also lead to certain quarrels. For example, in a situation where the father of the family lives in the same apartment with his mother-in-law, he makes a scene for his wife, demanding that her mother leave their life.
Like everyone else, my parents quarreled from time to time, but it never escalated to fights or personal insults. Despite this, being present at the moment of their scandal in the apartment was unbearable, I went outside. They made up quickly enough. Then they asked for forgiveness for the fact that I had to see their quarrel.
What to do in such a situation
It is important to know how to behave if your parents argue.
- The child should not get into trouble or get involved in their conflict. Do not forget that parents are now irritated and may say something that they would not say in a normal situation, due to a state of passion. It is best to leave the room in which mom and dad are quarreling.
- The child should not listen closely to what is happening between adults, or try to hear every word in the conversation. It is better if he is able to put on headphones and somehow distract himself from what is happening. It is necessary to understand that a child cannot change what happens between adults. At such a moment, it is best to do something important for yourself, not to focus on the conflict between mom and dad, because this way the baby himself will begin to get nervous.
- It is important to remain neutral. You should not take the side of one of the parents. Of course, the exception is situations when a man raises his hand against a woman.
- The child can try to talk to adults, but only after the quarrel is over. Parents will cool down, and the baby will have the opportunity to express his point of view. The child must declare that he loves both mom and dad very much, that it is unbearable for him to listen to their scandals, he experiences fear and resentment at this moment.
- Hold your parents. Perhaps the baby can help his mother around the house or support his father, pointing out how the family appreciates what he does.
- In a situation where a quarrel is accompanied by a fight or drinking alcohol, the child needs to turn to his closest relatives or people he trusts for help.
- It is unacceptable for a child to believe that he is the cause of conflict between adults. It is important to understand that the relationship between parents is only their relationship; it does not affect how mom and dad treat their offspring.
- In no case should a child try to harm himself in order to reconcile his parents and try to attract their attention.
- The kid should not feel sorry for himself, think that only in his family adults quarrel. You need to understand that this can sometimes happen, they are trying to understand each other and soon everything will work out.
- It is important that a child, looking at his parents who are making a rude row or abusing alcohol or fighting, is able to protect himself from what he sees and does not take an example from them in the future.
- Children should not wash their dirty laundry in public, telling everyone about the quarrels that happen in their home. The exception is communication with immediate family and scandals, life threatening and the health of family members.
- If a child notices that during a conflict one of the parents may take out their anger on him, he should have time to hide, if possible, leave the apartment or house.
- In some cases, it is impossible to do without family psychotherapy, but it is better if the parents are advised to see a specialist by one of their close relatives, and not by the child, who can get into trouble with his moral teachings.
- You must learn not to swear in front of your child. Parents must understand the harm they can cause to the child’s psyche.
- If quarrels happen, try to control yourself; you don’t need to go as far as insulting each other or mentioning your closest relatives in a bad way.
- Don't remember past grievances. There is absolutely no need to stir up what is already in the past, and even in the presence of the baby. He shouldn't know about his parents' secrets at all.
- If a quarrel happened in front of the toddler, then reconciliation should also take place in his presence.
Now you know what to do if scandals start between parents at home. Remember that it is important to identify what exactly pushes them to quarrels, what are the causes of conflicts. Do not forget that sometimes it is better not to interfere, and at times it is within the child’s power to protect the family from unnecessary quarrels. Remember that it is unacceptable for a child to take the side of one of the parents, as it is as if he is betraying the other.
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