Husbands who raise their hands against their wives can be divided into two types. The first includes those who accumulate aggression during a scandal with their other half, and then, having reached the boiling point, attack their wife to throw out the negativity. For such husbands, domestic assault becomes a habit. It becomes as commonplace as drinking coffee in the morning.
The second type of beating husbands is less common, but it is the most dangerous. Unlike the first type, this category doesn't need at all high-profile scandals to raise his hand against his wife. These husbands outwardly look completely calm, but at the same time they can show aggression at any moment, and even with the use of some objects: a hammer, a chair, a knife. Such people have serious mental disorders, and living with them means putting your life in danger.
Most often, assault is carried out by those men who have not achieved anything in their lives. By showing violence against a loved one, they try to gain power over at least something.
What to do with a violent husband
To cope with assault from her husband, first of all, the wife needs to prevent violence against herself. She should not feel sorry for herself and sob into her pillow. Instead, you need to pull yourself together and think carefully about the current situation. It is important to understand the reason for the aggression on the part of the husband and decide whether it is worth continuing to live with this person.
ponder further actions you need to be without emotion, soberly assessing the situation. To do this, you should not make any decision on the day when your husband showed aggression. It's better to wait a couple of days to calm down.
If the decision has been made to save the family and stay with her husband, then the woman needs to act in several directions at once and needs to start with herself. First of all, you should eliminate the fear caused by your spouse within yourself. He must see that they are no longer afraid of him.
Then you need to raise your own self-esteem. You need to start respecting and loving your “I”, because probably the husband has already managed to convince his wife that she is ugly and stupid. Now you should direct all your strength to change this belief, first within yourself, and then in the eyes of your husband.
Behavior towards your husband also needs to be corrected. You need to try to hide your irritation, become affectionate and positive. It wouldn’t hurt to remind your spouse of his merits.
When trying to restore peace in the family, it is important to act gradually, without rushing. The main thing is to remember that if a man does not admit his problems with self-control, then all his wife’s efforts to improve the relationship will be in vain.
Domestic violence- a complex situation that requires serious investigation. This is what we will try to do today. There is an opinion that violence by a man against a woman is possible, first of all, where there is a place for alcohol or drugs. This statement is not entirely true. Even families that are quite intelligent and prosperous at first glance can experience similar situations. And they find it most difficult to deal with. Because, as they say, there are no prerequisites for assault.
Question: “What to do if a husband beats his wife?” remains open to many women. And all because they don’t know that they are the ones making the decision. Not everyone can realize that male tyranny is Right way about divorce or hospital bed.
Who is he, a domestic tyrant? Why do men even become like this?
It is, oddly enough, very difficult to answer this question unambiguously. There can be many reasons. And in each specific case, in each specific family there are its own reasons and prerequisites. But in any case, it is impossible to justify by any reason the fact that a husband beats and insults his wife, that is, a strong man beats an obviously weaker man.Let's look at the most common reasons:
1. A man completely copies the situation of parental relationships. He simply doesn’t know any other way. His father "learned" his wife with his fists. In the child’s head, such a model of behavior is deposited as the norm. This means that he himself must behave the same way.
2. Assault is a way of self-affirmation. This logic is inherent in men - pathological losers. If difficulties arise in their life (professional or everyday), the only way out is to take out the hatred at home, thus relieving stress. After all, not everyone at work will decide to punch their boss in the face, let alone a loser. No possibility "to express" everything to the offender, which means you can take out the evil on the closest and most defenseless person - your wife.
3. Alcohol and drugs are the most frequent companions of fights and squabbles in the family. A person in a state of intoxication and clouded consciousness is capable of the most terrible acts. At the same time, he does not control himself, which means he is not aware of his actions. Even the reason itself "explosion" may later turn out to be extremely small and insignificant, but this will not change the essence. As a rule, in such situations, after the onset of clarity in the head, sobering up, a period of repentance begins. But this is only until the next dose. And then everything goes according to the script.
4. Some women may unknowingly cause aggression from a man. Such women usually try to take a dominant position in the family and begin to insult and humiliate men. Sooner or later this could end in disaster.
5. There are also women who endure everything. Their spinelessness and spinelessness act like a red rag on a bull. The husband hit his wife, and she endured it and remained silent - a common situation. Man "getting used to" to his own impunity and secretly assigns the wife the role of victim. Such women are usually tormented by a false sense of duty. And they simply do not realize that they are endangering not only themselves, but also those around them, for example, children.
Domestic tyrant: typology and behavioral characteristics
Assault has become so widespread in modern society that a whole science has emerged that studies the problem of domestic tyranny. And this science divided male fighters into two types. "Pitbull"
For him, any quarrel, skirmish or just a squabble must certainly end in assault. When playing this game, a man (if you can call him that) first apologizes after each fight, kneels down, and begs. BUT further outbursts of rage become more and more frequent, and apologies are pronounced less and less often. The scandals themselves, with or without reason, become a habit and not a single day can go by without them. Even a banal slap in the face can develop into a severe beating.
Such a person does not listen to anyone’s words; he will not understand how clashes with his wife could end for him. Aggression clouds reason, and this is where real addiction arises. According to experts, this "pit bull" becomes dependent on the woman he beats. At the same time, he does not show a feeling of guilt, but rather suppresses it with the help of new attacks of rage and new beatings.
"Cobra"
This type of sadists, by and large, are entirely potential patients of psychiatric cynics. Such "sadists" They themselves cannot even explain why the outbreak of aggression occurred. Actually, the reasons are not important here. It is pointless to look for logic in the behavior of such people. Anger becomes all-consuming, and such a person’s hand will rise against his pregnant wife and even against his own child. It is most difficult for a woman in such a situation. Since she cannot predict the behavior of this type of male tyrant, it is impossible to predict the moment of attack.
What to do if a husband hits his wife for the first time?
The first shock for a woman in such a situation does not always pass quickly. The man he loved raised his hand to the woman whom he had carried in his arms just yesterday and called him his beloved. The most important thing to do is to calm down. Time is the best helper in such a situation. Moreover, both the wife and the husband will need time. Both need to understand what exactly happened. Perhaps such an outbreak will never happen again. Then the man will certainly realize the horror of what happened and come running to apologize.A woman must be patient and analyze the situation. The main thing is to try to find out whether similar situations happened in the husband’s family, with his parents. If fights were the norm there, then this model is also for the spouse. "normal" and acceptable. In this case, you should not hope for a one-time outburst of anger. The situation will repeat itself again and again, no matter how sincere the husband’s apologetic words may seem.
If there were no such scenes in the husband’s family and as a child he did not observe scenes of brutal beatings day after day, it is quite possible that his breakdown was an accident. But forgiveness in such a situation is possible only under a clear condition: repetition is tantamount to divorce.
Is it possible to stop a domestic tyrant?
A husband beats and insults his wife - well, who would be surprised by this today? Many are sure that this situation occurs in every family. But it's not right. What's wrong with the fact that your wife got a slap on the wrist for over-salted soup? But such a marriage relationship can hardly be called ideal.In general, it’s worth immediately defining our position: a man who hits a woman once is unlikely to stop there and limit himself to one slap in the face. If a woman finds herself in a situation where her husband hits his wife more than once, but does it with enviable regularity and cruelty, she needs to look for a way out. We need to find a way to stop the tyrant.
Unfortunately, in Russia there is no special service, which could help a woman who is experiencing domestic violence. There are, of course, the police and ambulance. But you can count on them only in case of visible consequences, serious injuries. Is there some more psychological help by phone, which, unfortunately, cannot help with anything other than advice.
A woman will have to rely only on herself. Even pregnant women, as we remember, cannot feel completely protected. Therefore, it is necessary to develop a line of behavior.
1. Heart-to-heart conversations are the beginning of the path to ending assault at home. If the spouses manage to come to an agreement and go together to see a specialist, then maybe their situation is not so hopeless. Only a competent specialist will help you understand what exactly caused the outburst of anger and led to the beatings, even minor ones. Only a specialist can help a man get out of this pit of rage and unfulfillment. We remember what kind of men raise their hands to a woman - losers! If the husband is not happy with the option of working with a psychologist, it is hardly worth trying to maintain such a relationship. They definitely won't change. Never.
2. From the first day life together a woman must accustom her husband and herself, first of all, to the fact that she is an inviolable person. She should not be subjected to violence under any circumstances. Whatever happens, everything can be solved with words.
3. A woman must, no, is obliged to respect herself. Then there will be fewer problems.
4. If a husband hits his wife for the first time, decisive action should immediately follow from the woman. There is no place for hysterics here. A woman should calmly collect her things and leave. To a friend, to a neighbor, to my mother in Saratov, anywhere, even to a hotel. The main thing is to let the man understand that she is categorically not satisfied with such a relationship.
5. What to do if your husband beats and insults you regularly? Do words have no effect? There is only one answer to this question: you need to leave such a husband, not for a day or a week, but forever. Deciding to take such a step is difficult, especially if feelings still remain. But this must be done at least out of a sense of self-preservation.
We declare war on the tyrant
Classic Hollywood films - what could be better in the fight against male tyrants? Does your husband beat and insult you? Try to do what the heroine Jennifer Lopez did in the film "I'm over it". It would seem quite happy life, beloved husband, wonderful daughter. But happiness collapses overnight as soon as the husband shows his true face. Not only is he unfaithful to his beautiful wife, he is also aggressive towards her and the child.At one point, the woman’s patience comes to an end, and she decides to take a desperate step - she runs away from home with her daughter. The solution is simple: no one is allowed to hurt me or my daughter anymore. Next comes revenge and only revenge. A weak woman is unlikely to be able to defeat an adult man. This means you need to train your body and fighting spirit.
And here is the result - evil is punished, and with the same coin. A woman can make a man feel like a defenseless victim domestic tyrant, driving his victim into a corner.
It’s much easier, shedding tears, to complain to friends and mom: “my husband beat me”. But what can a woman do to avoid beatings? Where is her pride, strength and courage? Where is the character, after all? It depends on the woman whether she will tolerate such a situation or decide to change everything! Unfortunately, this is exactly what women forget about.
Hiding is not a bad defense.
Overcome strong man in an open confrontation it is not easy, especially if the enemy is three times heavier and stronger. But it's still worth a try. Especially if the house in which the clashes occur is the only housing and there is nowhere else to go. Protecting your own life and the lives of your children must come to the fore. And there’s no pity for yourself, much less for your husband.It is impossible to change a man who raised his hand against a woman. Such a villain will most likely stop at nothing, even his wife’s pregnancy is unlikely to sober him up. This means a woman will have to fight for her own life and for the life of her child.
What to do to make a man understand: “This won’t continue like this”!
Self-defense courses– an excellent tool for relieving stress, as well as for mastering the necessary skills. It is quite possible that once a woman puts them into practice, she will be able to stop beatings from her husband forever.
You need to learn to ignore your husband’s provocations. It helps. For starters, it’s a good idea to simply leave the house during your husband’s outbursts, and together with the children, for example, for a walk. A woman should radiate self-confidence and calm with her entire appearance. Her husband's attacks against her should not affect her.
If it is not possible to leave the house, it would be a good idea to put locks on the doors of one of the rooms. Taking refuge inside the house is also a good way to hide from a tyrant. The main condition is to always have with you mobile phone. Often it is mobile connection saved women's lives.
It's not worth living in the same apartment with a tyrant. It is best to find a job and rented housing. If there are no children, this will not be difficult to do. If you can’t rent an apartment right away, you can ask friends or relatives for help. It is important to remember that being in the same apartment with an aggressive man is dangerous!
When you and your abusive husband are under the same roof, you should follow a few simple but effective rules.
If quarrels continue with enviable regularity, observe the simplest technique security. Under no circumstances should you run to the kitchen or bathroom when a quarrel breaks out. Any enclosed space where there is furniture with sharp corners, heavy or sharp objects is certain death.
Temporary shelter must be prepared in advance. This is an escape route that should always be available. It doesn’t matter what exactly it will be, a friend’s apartment or a crisis center, the main thing is that you can come there at any time of the day or night.
It’s not worth sitting quietly in the corner and waiting until it comes to assault. The police should be called as soon as an argument begins. It is important to let the police know that you are in danger real danger. Scream into the phone, scream. Law enforcement are obliged to come to the call and explain to the man that he is wrong to offend his wife or children.
After a fight, be sure to call an ambulance. Doctors must record the beatings, check for bruises and abrasions, and make sure there are no more serious injuries. And at the same time check the sanity of your spouse. It is possible that he may be immediately taken to psychoneurology.
All the most valuable and necessary things should be at hand. If a woman has to leave home for some time, and especially forever. A bag with the essentials should be at the ready. Money, documents, spare things, jewelry. You shouldn’t waste your husband’s gifts in such a situation. They are your compensation for physical and moral damage.
A woman’s psyche inevitably suffers from domestic scandals, and even more so from beatings. The help of a psychologist in such a situation will not be superfluous.
Don't forget that your life is the most valuable thing you have. And you are responsible for this life yourself. No one can protect a woman better than herself. Take care of yourself, do not endanger your life and the lives of your children by remaining to live under the same roof with a tyrant and monster. Remember that without specialists it is impossible to understand such difficult situation like domestic violence, no one, even the strongest woman, will succeed.
As the classic wrote, everything happy families happy equally, all unhappy people are unhappy in their own way. However, one can argue with this quote from Anna Karenina: in misfortune there are also plenty of templates. Family violence, especially in our country, is one of the most common. Why does a man beat his wife? Let's try to find the answer to this question - and then, you see, we'll get to the solution to the problem.
Fake wrapper
During the wedding, you are sure that everything will be as wonderful as it was during the candy-bouquet period: “serenades under the window,” text messages with or without reason, tender love and other delights. Alas, sometimes it’s just shiny packaging, and the product itself underneath is of a completely different quality.
After the registry office, you notice that the man changes dramatically and demands unconditional submission. Maybe patriarchy is in our blood, although in fact it has long been out of step with modern realities.
We just got married, there were no questions: you could take care of yourself, work or study - in a word, you were modern man. And now he abruptly changes course and says: “Stay at home, I’ll earn enough for my family. But don’t expect extra money - you’ll waste it all. Since you are my wife, get used to living at the level that I can provide.” This is the first stage, and at the next stage you ask yourself: if your husband hits you, what should you do?
You can break up right away, but everything is not so simple. What to do if this is love - the real one. Or if you are already pregnant? Yes, unfortunately, few people can be surprised by the fact that a husband beats his pregnant wife. This picture is scary to even imagine, but what’s even scarier is that, due to her supposedly hopeless situation, the expectant mother endures and forgives again and again.
Why does the husband start raising his hand? Psychology suggests that no one gives up for any reason. Most likely, there were alarm bells before.
Remember, even before the wedding, he grabbed you sharply by the hand, or yelled, or maybe even swung your hand - that happened, right? And then he apologized, promised that it would not happen again, or something like that. Even then it was worth thinking about whether you need such love!
And here’s another alarming signal: you met his parents and saw that in his family yelling at each other is in the order of things. Or he is from a single-parent family, where punches were a common way of upbringing. Here you should think three times about the future - you can easily connect your life with a tyrant.
There is another common problem when the husband drinks and hits. What to do if your man likes to drink, and under the influence of alcohol appears to be decent, caring and good man becomes a hitter? There is only one way out - stop drinking. Don’t be afraid to put the question bluntly: either drink or family. Think about your future, about your children. After all, one day he may beat you so hard that nothing can be returned or changed.
But unfortunately, few people manage to take action in time and not lead their family to problems with assault. But what if you didn’t think about it in time, and the tragedy has already happened? If your own husband beats you, what should you do? It is necessary to record the damage and make copies of the medical examination. Don’t be shy about writing a statement to the police - how else can you fight if you’re weaker? If a man hits a woman, he should not go unpunished.
Of course, there are self-defense courses, but this path is quite dangerous. You won’t learn to defend yourself well in just a few lessons, and when you respond to a blow, you will actually accept his rules of the game. In the heat of a fight, anything can happen, especially if inappropriate objects are at hand. It may result in severe injuries and even fatal- you can become both a victim and a killer. In Russia, tens of thousands of people die in such domestic fights.
Psychology of the victim
In our country, unfortunately, it is not customary to sympathize with women who have fallen under domestic tyranny.
Few people even understand why a husband beats his wife. And women themselves often contribute to this attitude; their diagnosis is the psychology of the victim. They say that if she hits me, it means she is to blame and deserves it. Of course, you deserve it - since you allow yourself to be treated like that! Yes, there is a saying “if the seventh husband hits you in the face, then it’s not the husband, but the face,” but not all women are to blame for everything themselves!
What explanations can be found if a guy hits a girl? The psychology here is simple, cave-like. He thinks something like this: “If I recognize a woman as equal, then I myself will become like a woman, I will cease to be a man.” In fact, of course, the opposite is true. A real man considers it beneath his dignity to raise a hand against those who are weaker - this is the path of cowards and scoundrels.
If your husband hits you, the main thing is not to endure it! Don't be afraid to confront your husband! After all, as soon as you begin to endure, you get involved in this game, from which it is almost impossible to get out. Usually this is for life - and an unhappy life. Or maybe not for long - in a fit of anger, but under the influence of a drunken person anything can happen.
But the worst thing is, what kind of female mistake Children can pay! Quite recently, a tragic incident occurred: a quarrel broke out between a husband and wife, which escalated into a fight. The son (a boy about 5 years old), seeing this, rushed to his mother’s defense and began to pull his father’s trouser leg. In a fit of anger, he pushed the child away. The boy hit the battery and received a non-life-threatening injury. The man was sent to prison. The woman ended up in intensive care.
But even if, thank God, everyone remains alive, the crippled children’s psyche will not allow them to live in harmony and happiness! Even if this game suits you personally, it will traumatize your child for life. He sees everything: fights, humiliation - and will repeat all that in his life. The daughter will turn into the same victim, the son - into a new tyrant. And you must break this vicious circle. Here and now. And don’t walk around with a bat and expect people to feel sorry for you.
Why do women still get involved in this game? Why do they tolerate it if their husband beats them, don’t record the beatings, and even in the hospital they say that they “just fell”? Like Yesenin: “Nothing, I tripped over a stone, everything will heal by tomorrow.” Why?
Probably, cave instincts awaken in many of us too. There are many such paradoxes in nature, opposites attract each other. A good girl needs a bad boy, a monogamous girl is attracted to a philanderer, give the “fool” a “knowledge.” We are looking for what we lack - and aggression can subconsciously attract us.
In addition, this game also has white stripes. Many people like it when a man later apologizes and repents - until the next beating. Much like Ivan the Terrible, who alternated repentance with executions. This is already such a ritual dance that even neighbors get used to it. A brawler husband sometimes looks like an alcoholic husband (especially since these roles are often combined).
In the soft version, during breaks he turns into pure “gold”: gentle, caring, attentive. And then it rolls in - and away we go. Maybe the moon came close, or Saturn was in the wrong house - who knows? But the male head turns off, the muscles come into play.
What to do if your family is on the verge of breaking up due to beatings?
- Try to persuade your husband to go to a psychologist to figure out where his legs are coming from. It is very difficult to solve the problem of assault without knowing the psychology of such behavior. If the problem stems from childhood, therapy will help you, and the marriage will be saved.
- Set your boundaries! Tell him that if he allows himself to use force against you again, you will do something that he will not like. For example, you and your child will move to live with your mother. The main thing is that your threat really frightens him, and that you are ready to carry it out. There is no need to threaten divorce if you are not really ready to say goodbye to him.
- If neither a psychologist, nor boundaries, nor persuasion, nor prayers helped, and you already understand that you did everything you could, leave without regret! There will definitely be those who will accuse you of unwisdom (as a rule, this is a mother-in-law protecting her son or the husband himself), they say, God endured and commanded us; hits, means loves; you are the one to blame; I couldn’t save my family and a lot of things like that. Don’t give in to this psychological pressure, don’t listen to anyone.
Even if now it’s not beatings with bruises, fractures and dislocations, but only “harmless” slaps and pushes into the wall, it’s better to start taking action! He will hit harder, and you will still leave! And only you can decide what kind of damage: a scratch on your cheek, broken ribs or a tombstone!
You, your safety and that of your children are paramount. This security is actually a male function! He must protect his family from all troubles. And if he not only does not protect, but creates these problems himself, it is not and cannot be your fault. Whatever the love, financial situation, turn around and leave. If he loves you, he will take measures to overcome himself, and if not, then such a man is not needed. Your love is not enough for both of you!
The State Duma has adopted a new bill on the decriminalization of domestic violence! That is, now, if your husband gives up, you will record all the damage and file a statement with the police, your husband will not face criminal liability! The state declines responsibility for the fact that 14 thousand women die every year at the hands of their spouse (and these are just official statistics)! This means that now no one except you can influence the situation with your beating husband!
Aggression surrounds us everywhere. You can be rude in line, in a clinic, while driving a car, or behind a store counter. But the worst thing is when the main battlefield is the family. A place that is considered a stronghold of safety suddenly becomes a major threat to life and health. What to do, where to look for protection if your spouse, who took an oath to protect and cherish you, no longer fulfills it? Domestic violence is a serious reason to think about whether your union is strong and whether you need it.
By the way, according to statistics, men can also suffer from beatings in the family. 20% of powerful women prove they are right by using physical strength. But most are, of course, tyrant husbands.
Destroying the main stereotype about victims of domestic violence
Does it mean he loves? Every Russian woman has heard this phrase at least once and even used it to justify her husband’s behavior. But we will look at why a wife actually allows her husband to beat her, what is the psychological basis for this behavior of a victim of violence.
It is believed that if a woman was brought up in a similar family situation, then she subconsciously strives to recreate the same model in her own marriage. But no, this is not always the case. Much more often in childhood they suffered from a lack of love from their mother. Such women enter into alliances with men who have also experienced humiliation in the past, as a result of which the relationship between such spouses turns out to be emotionally strong. At the dating stage, spouses have confidence that they understand each other perfectly, like no one else. But in fact, it was the tyrant who found his ideal victim.
A strong psychological codependency arises between a beating husband and a beaten wife, which both are unable to refuse. During periods of calm, this is expressed in passion, affection, a special connection that isolates them from the outside world. However, the longer such a marriage lasts, the more difficult it is to get out of it. And the more the aggressor will show violence “out of love,” and the victim will endure and blindly believe in empty promises “not to repeat this again.”
The woman’s behavior can be attributed to the concept of “Stockholm syndrome”. She justifies the actions of her tyrant husband, meekly forgives him for beatings of any complexity, since she is dependent on him. Often such a man deliberately forbids his wife to work, which automatically deprives her of her livelihood if she leaves. However, even if the spouse finds strength in herself, the dominant spouse Once again threatens and uses violence just to leave the woman on whom he depends no less.
Psychotypes of men most prone to violence
It is not necessary that those representatives who fit the presented psychotypes of personality will show aggression. In addition, a tyrant husband may have a completely different set of qualities, but be an aggressor for other reasons. Nevertheless, let us consider the types most psychologically susceptible to power and dominance.
- Epileptoid. These are individuals who tend to get irritated over trifles. They are pedantic, strive to put everything in order, are overly economical, and are vindictive. Such men are infuriated by a woman’s sensitivity; they find fault with any of her actions with or without reason. In a marriage with such a husband, only one who has either similar character traits or holds a high position with weight in society can get along with such a husband. She can force herself to be respected; an epileptoid man will accept such a woman as his equal. Everyone else is unlikely to be able to withstand complex nature a spouse who is capable of resorting to threats and violence to preserve the marriage.
- Paranoid type. The most embittered type of personality due to his suspicion, which gives rise to causeless jealousy. Living with such a man means constantly expecting beatings, reproaches, and claims. Moreover, at the beginning of acquaintance, the paranoid person is completely different: noble, courteous, charming. He's a sadist. First he hurts, and then he apologizes for a long time, even to the point of kneeling in front of his wife and crying. It gives him pleasure. If the partner is not ready to play such games, then it will be extremely difficult for her.
An audio recording of the seminar “How to Deal with Your Anger” may be useful. » from Denis Burkhaev.
Possible risk factors for aggression
A man may be violent if:
- As a child, he was aggressive towards living things or had problems with discipline in general.
- The man's family was filled with violence.
- Parents often punished or made strict demands.
- Has head injuries.
- He experienced difficulties in studying at school and had poor academic performance.
- Does not feel sympathy for surrounding people and phenomena.
The presence of all factors, however, does not always lead to violence. Many men are more persistent and know how to keep themselves under control. But the slightest stressful situation can “awaken” the aggressor in him. Unfortunately, not all of them are aware of their difficulties and admit them.
Causes of violence
A man beats his wife, demonstrating his power - so it seems at first glance. But the impression is deceiving. The real reason is his powerlessness, not his strength. Beatings become a habit of such a man due to impunity and lack of resistance. This behavior has become entrenched in the minds of the tyrant due to the fact that within him there is a struggle between the “unmanly” manifestation of feelings and the true model of a “real man.” The husband breaks down because he is unable to express his feelings due to the fact that he considers this unmanly. The tension accumulates, and he throws it out on the one at hand - his wife. At the same time, the aggressor wants to achieve care and consolation from his wife, but if she fails to calm him down with words, then the husband beats her. Thus, he seems to punish himself for weakness, but the woman suffers physically and mentally.
The dominator husband reacts sharply to any attempts by his wife to talk to another man or to show politeness. He suppresses her for fear of losing her, of being left alone. In addition, in situations where the wife refuses sex or devotes a lot of time to someone else - friends, relatives, the husband feels rejected and thinks that she is indifferent to him. This causes outbursts of aggression.
It also happens that a woman partly provokes her husband. If she often shows dissatisfaction, mocks some of her husband’s ideas, and does not allow her to meet with friends, then the man is even sure that he is doing the right thing, punishing her with his fists for hostility. This moment says that he not only interprets the situation incorrectly, but also considers himself right, that he has good reasons for violence.
What should a woman do to avoid becoming a victim of violence? Is it possible to save a family?
First of all, it would be a good idea to come to a joint meeting with a psychologist. Find out the reasons aggressive behavior spouse, help him solve his problems, and the wife change the strategy, find other ways of protection and assistance. If a man has a desire to change, and the roots of the problem lie in childhood, then it is possible to save the family.
It is important for a woman to use violence against her from the very first attempt, to clearly define the boundaries of what is permitted. Be prepared to give him sanctions and carry them out if necessary. The husband must know that he will lose her if he is not restrained.
If attempts to reach an agreement lead nowhere, you cannot stay with a tyrant whose aggression is only growing. It doesn’t matter whether other relatives will be on the wife’s side, but it is important not to endure beatings, bullying, not to blame yourself, not to defend your husband, but to leave immediately. Don’t listen to anyone’s advice if your mind tells you that things won’t get better.
It doesn't matter if it's a slap or a push, an insult, a bruise. Violence always increases when there is no response. Fractures, dislocations, severe concussions - this is what awaits you. Or even death. Therefore, it is better to leave without serious health consequences.
The safety of a woman and the health of her children depend only on herself. Despite the fact that initially it lies on the shoulders of the man. But the tyrant cannot cope with his functions, and the woman should recognize in time this fact to stay safe. It is not and cannot be any of her fault. Neither feelings nor financial situation should be at the forefront. If you want to save your life, run. If a man loves and is capable of adequate thinking, then he will begin to change for the sake of his family. But this rarely happens. But pulling the burden of suffering alone is not an option.
The worst thing is that society does not respond to problems domestic violence, or does not attach due importance to them. Therefore, a woman has to cope on her own, be strong and wise.
If a husband beats his wife, that means... She deserves it? Is he a scoundrel? It's theirs family business, will they figure it out themselves? Oddly enough, in our society, which seems to have emerged from the times of Domostroy a long time ago, there is no single view on this problem. Moreover, if you look at it from the outside, with the cold gaze of an outside observer. Here you can talk a lot about the roles of men and women in the family, the nuances of relationships, the responsibility that each spouse bears for their development. What will it be like to be at the very epicenter of events? Especially as a victim?
Too often behind a mask friendly family the union of the victim and the tyrant is hiddenWhoever beats his wife, God gives him?
There are negligibly few men who would be clearly aware that when they raise their hands against a woman, they are doing, to put it mildly, wrong. Every domestic aggressor has a “worthy” excuse for his actions. One has no doubt that the missus herself brought him down: she did not greet him as befits after a difficult working day; stuck her hand in at the wrong time with reproaches; chirped sweetly with a neighbor on the staircase - probably for good reason, rubbish...
Another regards beatings as the most powerful argument in any dispute. The third one completely sincerely professes the principle “Love your wife like a soul, shake her like a pear,” confident that this is exactly how one should assert his position as the head of the family.
By the way, our ancestors were not the only ones who shone with such pearls. There are plenty of proverbs explaining how to use fists to build a good relationship with your spouse in the languages of other nations. “Beat your wife, even if you don’t know why, she knows,” they said in Africa. “Without a club there will be no virtuous wife,” they taught in China. In India, a woman’s head was compared to the head of a nail in a cart: they say, until you hit it properly, there will be no sense. In good old England, it was advised to beat your spouse as often as you beat a gong. And an Arab proverb says that a man who is not able to slaughter a sheep and beat his wife when she has done something wrong is not worth living.
Is the need to prove one’s masculine worth and authority through beatings an integral feature of the stronger sex, existing beyond time and boundaries?
Violence against women in old times was the norm. What about now? Psychology of the aggressor and the reasons for his behavior
Of course, traditions leave their mark on human behavior. But these sayings have been a thing of the past for many decades, why do some continue to diligently follow their, alas, not at all wise instructions? Yes, there are some! According to statistics, in our country every day 36,000 women are subjected to violence from their spouse or partner - and this is only according to official data. And the chance of dying at the hands of an accidental scumbag in a doorway for most representatives of the fair sex is much lower than being killed in your own kitchen in a domestic quarrel. What makes the “strong and courageous” regularly raise their hand to their soulmate?
But for some, scandals and beatings are just a love prelude Under no circumstances can any of the listed reasons be an excuse for a domestic tyrant. Believe me, he is quite capable of controlling his rage. If an aggressor husband does not throw his fists at a picky boss, is afraid to fight back a two-meter brute who pushed him out of line, obediently listens to the scolding of an inspector on the road, but cannot contain his anger alone with a defenseless woman, then he simply does not consider it necessary to do this . For what? Everything suits him. He feels good, comfortable, pleasant. And he sees no reason to change his line of behavior. Sometimes such men get such a taste that even the presence of children does not stop them - the habit of giving free rein to their hands turns out to be stronger than the voice of reason.
Children in the line of fire
Speaking of children. Women who are stubbornly trying to maintain an alliance with a brawler, “so that the child has a father,” should remember: the youngest, weakest members of the family often fall under the hot hand of the aggressor father.
There is no guarantee that sooner or later the wrath of the separated parent will not fall on the child, especially if the child is nearby in the midst of a quarrel, rushes to defend the mother, or otherwise shows disobedience. And you shouldn’t hope that after a slap in the heat of the moment, the would-be father will be horrified, repent and become more restrained. Do not forget, he is already accustomed to giving himself complete freedom within his own four walls and has learned to achieve respect - or what he considers respect - from his wife through physical violence. What will prevent the aggressor from using the tried and tested method of education on children? Probably not tall moral principles. Not to mention the fact that raising a mentally balanced, happy child in a house where swearing and the sound of blows are constantly heard is, in principle, impossible.
There cannot be normal growing up where cruelty and tears reign. Dry statistics. About 50,000 children in our country run away from home every year to escape the beatings of one of their parents. About 2,000 people decide to commit suicide every year for the same reason. An alarming number of child killers end up in prison precisely for killing their fathers - out of self-defense or in an attempt to save their mother from daily beatings. So the legendary patience of beaten wives, who save the family by hook or by crook, is no longer a mistake, but rather a crime. Or rather, two: the first - against yourself, and the second - against your child.
How to resist domestic violence
A woman who once experienced the full brunt of her lover’s anger, be it official husband or a cohabitant, there are two options: stay and try to restore the relationship that has cracked, or leave.
Life on a volcano
The first slap in the face rarely comes like a bolt from the blue. It does not happen that just yesterday a loving and smiling spouse today, as if by magic, turns into a monster with a furious grin and menacingly raised fists. If you analyze the situation, it always turns out that this was preceded by a long period of nagging, caustic remarks, and then outright insults towards the spouse. Usually, a lot of time passes before the future tyrant moves from words to deeds, but most women prefer to turn a blind eye to the growing aggression of their loved one, trying with all their might to find an excuse for him. "He's tired." "He's got problems." “It’s my own fault, why did I bother with this dry cleaning bill during football?”
Many wives paint themselves into a corner Yes, I'm tired. Yes, we all have meltdowns from time to time. Yes, he needs your care, patience and understanding. But this does not at all excuse rudeness and rudeness. It’s one thing to irritably throw out: “Darling, will you let me watch TV in peace today?!” and something completely different: “Go away, cow!” A wife who dutifully endures moral “kicks” will very soon receive real ones. Therefore, violence must be resisted at the very beginning. Demand respect for yourself. Even the fact that you are “just” a housewife, and your loved one manages super-profitable projects at work and is immensely tired, does not put him on a level higher than you. A family is a union of equals, and nothing else. He brought his wife into his house, not a stress-relieving robot, right?
First hit
So, it did happen. It’s too early to grab a pen and write an application for divorce, but you need to take the first steps to clarify the situation immediately.
First of all, calm down. Emotions have never given anyone any good advice. Take a walk, breathe fresh air, drink valerian or something stronger, and only then analyze the situation. Restore what happened in all details and try to understand what happened? Was your spouse drunk or sober? Was he afraid of what he had done or was he contentedly looking at the work of his hands? Did you provoke him by speaking vilely about the parents of your beloved in the heat of an argument or by hurting him? manhood? Of course, this will not be an excuse: any man always has the opportunity to loudly slam the door, having first sent his wife on a long and not entirely decent journey, and give himself time to cool down. But it can serve as a mitigating circumstance.
Think about it, don’t you rain down reproaches on your beloved too often? After you think it over and calm down, decide what to do next. Do you want to forgive your erring spouse? Farewell. But don't be idle.
Talk to your husband and give him a clear ultimatum: one more blow, a slap in the face, a slap on the head - and you will immediately leave him. But keep in mind that the threat will need to be carried out. By forgiving the aggressor for the second and third time, you will show him that all your conditions are not worth a damn.
Be more picky about your behavior. Become even more affectionate and caring, do not spare compliments for your spouse, pamper him delicious dishes. Perhaps this breakdown is really caused by a difficult period in a man’s life, which he can only overcome with your support. However, remember that such problems cannot be solved alone. You should see reciprocal steps from your husband.
If your loved one has a really hot temper and is aware of this, he will come to the rescue family psychologist. But, again, the decision to go to him should be mutual.
Naturally, you can only forgive someone who has repented and is trying his best to make amends to you. If what happened does not seem out of the ordinary to your spouse, you are not on the same path with this person.
Our ancestors knew conspiracies for any occasion Our ancestors, who suffered no less often from husbands who were quick to kill, had their own ways of returning peace to the family. For example, it was believed that a woman who managed to call her husband “dear” 40 times on the day of the Annunciation would live in harmony with him for a whole year. If more drastic measures were required, the beaten wife bought a new hammer and said over it: “Just as a heavy hammer does not lift, so that the servant of God such and such had a heavy tongue, would not rise and would not swear. May my words be strong and sculpted from now on and forever. Amen." You can also use the ancient conspiracy, but only how auxiliary. Hope for help higher powers, without taking any action to improve the situation, it’s still not worth it.
Run, Lola, run
You were gentle and patient, surrounded your husband with warmth, sincerely tried to forget the incident when you were so humiliated, and in response you only received new portions of insults and slaps? Alas, it makes no sense to continue in the same spirit, hoping that one day your loved one will appreciate your sacrifice. How it makes no sense for the eleventh time, smearing blood and tears on your cheeks, listening to assurances that “this won’t happen again.” It will happen again. You have connected your life with a person for whom assault is not an isolated incident, but great way discharge, and he has already gotten a taste for it. Think about it, your marriage is really worth covering up before every time you go out. foundation bruises? Hardly. Does the vague “but the children have a father” compensate for the stress they will receive from living in the same house with an aggressor? Hardly. In addition, do not forget that such people only become tougher over time, and sometimes even lose all control over themselves, so in the end you may have to pay for your patience with your life.
Fight for your happiness, do not surrender to the mercy of fate and the aggressor! If you fail to change the situation, pack your things and leave without any pity. Once and for all. For years shuttle between parents' house and home ex-spouse- the matter is hopeless. Better spend your time and energy looking for a new soul mate. The one who will be able to keep her fists in her pockets.
Often a tyrant who has acquired a taste does not want to let his victim go so easily. They use blackmail with children, suicide, threats of physical violence... What to do?
First of all, realize that you are responsible only for your life and the lives of your children. Being a capable adult is not your concern. Many husbands tell their wives that they will commit suicide if they divorce, but very few actually intend to do so. Think for yourself, if you are so dear to him, why doesn’t the faithful make an effort to stop beating you at every opportunity? Why does he demand that you sacrifice your peace and health, while he himself will not make a basic effort on himself for your sake? Is it because in reality he only loves himself, and he only needs you as a cook, a servant and a whipping slave all rolled into one?
If you are afraid that your spouse will force you to stay, give up the idea of making a show of leaving. Quietly and carefully prepare your escape routes.
Just don’t, following the advice and reviews of determined women from social networks, take the frying pan at the ready and try to restore justice on your own. Firstly, are you sure that in a moment this frying pan will not be pulled out of your hands and fall on your head? Secondly, can you accurately calculate the force of the impact? The article “exceeding necessary self-defense” is a very unpleasant thing, especially if a former loved one, after meeting with a cast-iron object, ends up not in intensive care, but in the morgue.
Video: How to live with a man who raises his hand to you?
Beating the weak - a woman, a child, an animal - is the lot of scoundrels and cowards. There are only two situations in which you can lightly forgive your loved one for a bruise under his eye: it happened accidentally (you were showing your friend the size of the caught pike and did not calculate the span of your arm) or you are passionate about martial arts and regularly ask your spouse to join you in training. Everything else is unacceptable and requires immediate response, even the most severe. Don’t wait for the situation to completely get out of control, take action to correct it or leave. There is no third.
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