Hello dear readers. In this article we will look at a situation with parents when they constantly argue. You will become aware of the reasons why scandals may arise. Find out how to behave in such a situation. Also check out the tips for adults.
Possible reasons
Let's look at why parents argue and what can influence this.
- Tired of each other. The adults have been living together for years; there are practically no common interests left. Reluctance to give in to one’s opinion and misunderstandings lead to constant conflicts.
- Problems at work. A situation where a father or mother works “three jobs” and expresses their fatigue with irritation towards their significant other, and sometimes towards their children. If the spouse who stays at home with the children does not look after the household or take care of the kids, then the intensity of passions increases.
- Jealousy. A situation when one of the parents begins to be jealous of the other, suggesting that the partner has an affair. Sometimes jealousy can be justified, sometimes in vain.
- Cooling of relationships. A situation where there is no longer romance between parents, they have stopped caring for each other and showing tenderness.
- Financial difficulties. Often quarrels arise on financial grounds when the family lacks money. For example, a mother may blame her father for his inability to provide for the family. A man can reproach a woman for sitting at home and not wanting to go to work when the family does not have enough money for a normal existence.
- Different views on the process of raising children and on life in general. Adults can make trouble when their points of view do not coincide. However, they do not understand that they can compromise.
- Tyranny in the family. Scandals can arise in situations where one parent tries to subjugate the other. This is mom and dad and a despot man and woman.
- Living together for several generations under one roof can also lead to certain quarrels. For example, in a situation where the father of the family lives in the same apartment with his mother-in-law, he makes a scene for his wife, demanding that her mother leave their life.
Like everyone else, my parents quarreled from time to time, but it never escalated to fights or personal insults. Despite this, being present at the moment of their scandal in the apartment was unbearable, I went outside. They made up quickly enough. Then they asked for forgiveness for the fact that I had to see their quarrel.
What to do in such a situation
It is important to know how to behave if your parents argue.
- The child should not get into trouble or get involved in their conflict. Do not forget that parents are now irritated and may say something that they would not say in a normal situation, due to a state of passion. It is best to leave the room in which mom and dad are quarreling.
- The child should not listen closely to what is happening between adults, or try to hear every word in the conversation. It is better if he is able to put on headphones and somehow distract himself from what is happening. It is necessary to understand that a child cannot change what happens between adults. At such a moment, it is best to do something important for yourself, not to focus on the conflict between mom and dad, because this way the baby himself will begin to get nervous.
- It is important to remain neutral. You should not take the side of one of the parents. Of course, the exception is situations when a man raises his hand against a woman.
- The child can try to talk to adults, but only after the quarrel is over. Parents will cool down, and the baby will have the opportunity to express his point of view. The child must declare that he loves both mom and dad very much, that it is unbearable for him to listen to their scandals, he experiences fear and resentment at this moment.
- Hold your parents. Perhaps the baby can help his mother around the house or support his father, pointing out how the family appreciates what he does.
- In a situation where a quarrel is accompanied by a fight or drinking alcohol, the child needs to turn to his closest relatives or people he trusts for help.
- It is unacceptable for a child to believe that he is the cause of conflict between adults. It is important to understand that the relationship between parents is only their relationship; it does not affect how mom and dad treat their offspring.
- In no case should a child try to harm himself in order to reconcile his parents and try to attract their attention.
- The kid should not feel sorry for himself, think that only in his family adults quarrel. You need to understand that this can sometimes happen, they are trying to understand each other and soon everything will work out.
- It is important that a child, looking at his parents who are making a rude row or abusing alcohol or fighting, is able to protect himself from what he sees and does not take an example from them in the future.
- Children should not wash their dirty laundry in public, telling everyone about the quarrels that happen in their home. The exception is communication with immediate family and scandals, life threatening and the health of family members.
- If a child notices that during a conflict one of the parents may take out their anger on him, he should have time to hide, if possible, leave the apartment or house.
- In some cases, it is impossible to do without family psychotherapy, but it is better if the parents are advised to see a specialist by one of their close relatives, and not by the child, who can get into trouble with his moral teachings.
- You must learn not to swear in front of your child. Parents must understand the harm they can cause to the child’s psyche.
- If quarrels happen, try to control yourself; you don’t need to go as far as insulting each other or mentioning your closest relatives in a bad way.
- Don't remember past grievances. There is absolutely no need to stir up what is already in the past, and even in the presence of the baby. He shouldn't know about his parents' secrets at all.
- If a quarrel happened in front of the toddler, then reconciliation should also take place in his presence.
Now you know what to do if scandals start between parents at home. Remember that it is important to identify what exactly pushes them to quarrels, what are the causes of conflicts. Do not forget that sometimes it is better not to interfere, and at times it is within the child’s power to protect the family from unnecessary quarrels. Remember that it is unacceptable for a child to take the side of one of the parents, as it is as if he is betraying the other.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello, my name is Anya and I live in big family(4 children (17, 15, 11 and 3 years old), mom and dad and mom’s mom). Help, please, I don’t know what to do.... Parents began to constantly quarrel over trifles and often this leads to a fight. First one, then the second, then the third... and immediately screams throughout the whole house, sometimes dishes/chairs/etc. can fly, slamming doors... a couple of times, even the neighbors came (I was 9 years old at the time).... and then it started again. Mom began to often go somewhere (leaves early, comes late, around 11-12 at night), sometimes she doesn’t come home at all - she stays overnight with her friends. Dad also leaves early, but he comes for lunch and much earlier in the evening (around 5 pm). They have been fighting so often from time to time for a long time (since about 2013). And also, when they fight, grandma gets in, starting to defend mom, saying what kind of bad husband etc. Maybe if she hadn’t interfered, they wouldn’t have fought so much.
So today my mother came (it was about 11 p.m.) and collected younger brother(3 years old) and without telling my dad anything, I got ready to go to St. Petersburg for the whole weekend (Friday-Sunday). Grandma told dad and they had a fight again... they yelled at home, in the elevator and on the street, but mom left anyway... I feel sorry for my brother, he got into hot water when dad rushed at mom with his fists ((((And no one I couldn't stop him (dad). At such moments it's very scary and offensive. I don't want them to get divorced again, like when I was 7 years old... again choosing who to live with, insults from relatives, what a bad thing ... went with mom, not dad... On the other hand, divorce, even for the better, maybe they won’t fight like that. Help me with advice, what should I do? I’m already tired of them constantly fighting and swearing, and brother, looking at them, he fights and constantly shouts “leave me alone”... I want to stop all this so that everyone can feel good. Thank you in advance for listening to me and helping in any way you could. I just don’t have any tears anymore, I’m just shaking when they start yelling each other on a friend(((And at school they say that I have become very modest and uptight..."all my friends have disappeared, there is no one to talk to, to sit at my desk(
Questions: How can I help parents so that they argue less? And what should I do when they start arguing? Thank you.
Psychologist Svetlana Sergeevna Shikolaeva answers the question.
Hello Anna,
It's very good that you asked for support. It's hard to bear the cross parental relationship.., therefore, the best thing that can, and is even advised to do in this case, is to trust and tell about the situation to those people who are able to understand, accept, not judge and support with their sincere participation.
Anna, please try to come to terms with and accept the fact that your parents are adults. They have their own many years of baggage behind them, the experience of past years, experience life together. They know each other well and are independently aware of their own actions and behavior.
I understand how difficult it is for you to observe their behavior and way of interaction - so loud, tense, harsh and defiant.
Anechka, there are no mechanisms in our world that can allow children to influence and change their parents – their lifestyle and behavior. And thank God. Focus on yourself and your brothers and sister. Let the parents figure it out themselves. They are adults, and without their desire it is impossible to influence them in any way. Let them live as best they can. They love you, their children, that's the most important thing. They may have contradictions, and they may express themselves in the form of violent scandals, but this is THEIR life, this is THEIR relationship. You, Anya, cannot and should not influence them.
You are doing the right thing by seeking support.
Anya, I’ll say it again... Don’t waste your energy on striving and trying to somehow influence your parents. Concentrate on maximizing and making comfortable your own life and the lives of your brothers and sisters - you can do it, it’s real and achievable.
Don't judge mom and dad. They certainly love you, their children. Something deeply personal, unknown to you, drives them in their personal relationships, but only they themselves are able to resolve their personal conflicts.
Anya, what could you do practically? First, don't bring your parents' personal life into your own personal life. You are you. You are BEYOND the conflict between parents. Please think about this.
Also try to convey this idea of SUPERIORITY from parental conflict to brothers and sisters.
Start structuring and filling your own life – time and space – with what interests you personally. Your age is now the most favorable for this.
I understand that at home, due to parental scandals, it is not the best environment to do what you like, but try to use all the opportunities and resources to realize yourself at school, in sections and clubs, among friends, and so on.
You write that you have become tense, that your friends have “disappeared”. It is possible that this is not only due to the fact that mom and dad are in conflict and quarrel. It is possible that this is your natural reaction to growing up, your attempt to overcome the crisis of adolescence.
In almost every family, mom and dad quarrel from time to time. Their children often witness scandals. Many of them, worried about the future of the family, begin to think what to do if their parents fight? The publication will tell you what actions a child needs to take in such situations.
Reasons for parental quarrels
To understand what to do if parents argue among themselves, you must first understand why this happens. Usually adults quarrel for three reasons:
- Fatigue. When dad and mom work a lot, they start to get very tired. Therefore, parents may develop irritability, which leads to conflicts. This is usually a temporary condition and goes away quickly.
- Misunderstanding. When parents live together for a long time, they often have disagreements. They do not want to give in to each other on anything, which leads to conflicts. Disagreements can also arise due to a lack of communication between mom and dad. As they age, they have fewer and fewer common interests, so they spend little time with each other.
- Jealousy. This feeling manifests itself in a reluctance to share your other half with anyone. It may arise without a reason, but then it is already part of the character.
But what should a child do if his parents fight? In such cases, psychologists give children the following recommendations.
Accept feelings
First of all, you need to understand that quarrels in the family are normal. If mom and dad quarrel periodically, then there is nothing wrong with that, because they may have different views on some things. Everyone has conflicts. Even an unwitting witness to a quarrel can feel unpleasant, scared, ashamed and simply uncomfortable. You need to accept your feelings, recognize them as normal, and not withdraw into yourself. It is also important to understand that the relationship between mom and dad is only their business and their conflicts have nothing to do with the children. Most parents forget about the quarrel within a few minutes and communicate as if nothing had happened. Therefore, you should not take everything to heart.
Remember your innocence
Most often, a child begins to think about what to do if his parents argue, because he feels guilty about it. However, you should not reproach yourself if even adults quarrel over who will pick up the children from school or watch them on weekends. Here the problem is not with the child himself, but with the fact that the parents cannot agree and plan time.
Keep out
It is clear that a child wants to help in some way if the parents argue a lot. What you definitely shouldn’t do is try to intervene in the conflict, much less look for who is right and who is wrong. In this case, the parents will only reject the child, asking him not to interfere where he is not asked. They can also thoughtlessly and rashly say unpleasant words to the person who intervened.
Let parents cool down
Immediately after a quarrel, you should also not approach mom or dad with advice, statements, requests, etc. Usually, after conflicts, people become emotionally unrestrained, so they can lash out at anyone. It is better to wait until the passions subside and the parents calm down. For some it takes a few minutes, for others it takes all day.
Get down to business
Children are unnecessary in adult quarrels. In order not to pay attention to them, you need to keep yourself busy with something. What to do if parents argue? You can go to your room to listen to music, read a book, play on the computer, surf the Internet, draw, do homework. That is, you need to distract yourself with something.
In order not to hear your parents' conversation, it is better to put on headphones, turn on music or watch a movie. You can go for a walk or visit someone. You just need to warn mom and dad about this! In person or by leaving a note in a visible place.
Talk about your feelings
Often parents begin to feel awkward when they find out that their child is uncomfortable when they argue. Sometimes this significantly reduces the incidence of future scandals. But you need to talk about feelings carefully! You can’t throw loud words, blame someone, say that you hate your parents, and the like. You need to talk to your parents calmly, preferably over dinner together. Mom and dad should already calm down after the conflict. The child should try to convey to them that it is unpleasant for him when they quarrel, and he would not like this to happen in his family. Usually, after such a conversation, parents begin to feel guilty and already perceive their child as an adult.
Don't take sides
When talking with mom and dad, it is important not to go too far and not get personal. Psychologists tell children who come to them something like this: “If your parents are fighting, what you shouldn’t do is take the side of one, even if one of them provokes it.”
It is important to remember that in any scandal, both are always to blame. Therefore, one should not try to distinguish between a good and a bad parent. In addition, the child cannot know all the details of their relationship, agreements and reasoning. Let them sort it out among themselves. It is better for children to remain just children who equally respect and love both dad and mom.
To support
As a rule, parents are quicker to reconcile if their child encourages and supports them. You need to make it clear that you are already an adult and understand a lot. You can tell mom and dad something like: “Why worry about yourself if it’s possible to solve everything peacefully? Moreover, you will make peace anyway! I love you very much and I’m very glad that I have such a family!” Parents will understand that their child is right and may begin to behave differently.
Do not talk about family conflicts to strangers
When should you ask for help?
Sometimes you just need to tell others about family conflicts. For example, if alcohol is constantly drunk in the house, if parents swear and fight. What should a child do in this case? You need to tell about this as soon as possible to an adult who can take some action. This could be a grandfather, aunt, teacher or school psychologist. You can dial a helpline for children and talk to specialists. If the situation is critical (there is a threat to life), then you need to call the police and ambulance. At the same time, you need to understand that there will be certain consequences. The family will be interested in the guardianship authorities, which in very severe cases can deprive mom and dad of parental rights.
What to do if parents constantly fight?
Of course, in a global sense, children will not be able to change the situation. Adults will not love each other again if they decide to separate. But until the situation gets to that point, you can try to reconcile the parents and make them quarrel less.
Often disagreements occur over everyday trifles. So that mom and dad don’t conflict about this, you can take on at least some of the responsibilities. For example, washing dishes, vacuuming, doing wet cleaning, picking up my brother from kindergarten, and so on.
You can diversify family life, inviting mom and dad to spend time together more often. Entertainment can be of any kind, but it must be shared, so that parents and children take part. It could be a picnic, a trip to the cinema, a walk, a hike, sport games and much more.
Sometimes mom and dad need some alone time. Therefore, from time to time you can make surprises for them. For example, give tickets to the theater, to a concert, cook for them delicious dinner. This way they will remember their youth and become closer to each other. To prepare surprises, you can involve other close relatives (for example, a grandmother or aunt).
Psychologists also advise asking parents about the period when they were young and had just had children. This will help them remember best moments life, how they were in love with each other, awaiting the first words and steps of the child and much more. Perhaps dad and mom will decide to change their behavior so that there is peace in the family, as before.
These general tips can be used when parents argue frequently. What to do specifically in a particular case depends on the situation. Detailed recommendations A school psychologist can help you solve the problem.
Consequences of frequent quarrels
Psychologists often have to tell parents what constant domestic scandals lead to. The child begins to stutter, becomes anxious, withdrawn and irritable. He develops nightmares, nervous tics and enuresis. May appear as one nervous breakdown, so the whole complex. Sometimes the consequences do not appear outwardly. But over time, you may notice that the child shows disrespect for one or both parents. Children often copy behavior patterns and, as adults, constantly make trouble in their families. Therefore, parents need to take all measures and take care of their relationships so that they do not affect their children in a negative way.
So, now we know what to do if parents argue. The child needs to understand that quarrels are normal and not to interfere with them. It is better to mind your own business and try to distract yourself from the conflict. A child can help mom and dad only indirectly: by doing household chores, offering to spend time together, making pleasant surprises. You can never blame yourself for parental quarrels and mention family problems in front of strangers. If there is real threat life, then you simply need to inform your relatives, teacher or the police about this.
Guide to action
1. This is exactly the first thing you should start with: allow yourself to feel how you feel. This is what they do with feelings - they feel them and accept them as they are. Just pay attention to what you feel, allow yourself to do so.
Sometimes you can change a feeling simply by recognizing that it is there - without even having to do anything about it.
2. Know firmly that you are not to blame. Your parents' relationship is their relationship. This means that only your parents are responsible for how they turn out. The child is never responsible for the sad events that happen to mom and dad. You have nothing to do with this.
3. Don't interfere. Precisely because you have nothing to do with it, your attempts to intervene, reconcile, judge, give helpful advice etc. V best case scenario absolutely useless, at worst - they can cause a surge of aggression in your direction, you will find yourself “extreme”. As you know, in a fight, the one who separates gets the most.
4. Mind your own business. If you can find something to do, then you will be able to “kill two birds with one stone”: firstly, you will not get in the way of your parents’ feet, and secondly, any activity will help you express your feelings, feel calmer and more confident. You can draw a picture, turn on music, dance, go for a walk with your dog or friends - any activity that you like. You can simply write down what you feel on a piece of paper.
5. After a quarrel, let your parents “cool down”; do not fall under the hot hand. Sometimes it is better to avoid certain events and people. Your own affairs and activities will come in handy here too.
6. Maintain neutrality. It often happens that the scandal has subsided, but the parents still do not communicate. As you remember, whether they communicate with each other or not is their own business, and you try not to take the side of one of them. This will relieve you of feelings of guilt towards one of your parents. Although this is not easy, it is worth it, because if you enter into a conflict with one of them, you risk ruining your relationship with him for a long time.
8. Support your parents. Parents are living people who experience the same feelings as you, they also have a hard time, and they deserve your love. Tell them about your love, that they are dear to you, and perhaps it will become easier for them to live in the world. Remember that both parents need support: even if it seems to you that one is right and the other is wrong, both sides are always involved in the conflict.
9. Ask for help. Sometimes the quarrel passes and is forgotten, the parents make up and everything is fine - and this is absolutely normal, this is part of life. But it happens that quarrels come one after another, and it gets worse and worse, and very terrible things begin to happen - parents stop behaving as parents should. For example, they drink a lot, beat you or each other, maybe do something else that scares you. Remember that not a single child in the world can help in such a serious situation. In such cases, adults, and only adults, are needed. There are many adults around, specialists who know how to help you and your family. You can talk about what is happening with your grandmother, with your aunt, with your teacher, with a psychologist - the main thing is that you trust this person. In any case, you can always call the helpline or special centers help. And if there is even a small hope that the situation can be corrected, everything possible must be done for this.
Poor kids! If only parents understood how their children were suffering, if they could contain all the fear within themselves, they would never dare to quarrel in front of them!!... and indeed...
All you can do in this situation is plug your ears and go to another room or to a landing or street and wait. Never take fear into yourself!! You are not to blame for anything!! Better to wait it out.
Do your parents quarrel often? Are these fights getting more serious? It's not easy for a child to watch their parents argue, but you can protect yourself, explain to your parents how their arguments affect you, and deal with the consequences of arguments.
Steps
How to protect yourself
- If a parent tries to drag you into an argument, tell them you don't want to choose sides. It is your right.
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Find a safe place in your home. You need to create a corner in the house where you can hide if a quarrel makes you nervous. This place will allow you to save yourself from having to listen to your parents argue. Here are some options for such places:
- Go into the yard if you have your own home.
- Go to your room if you can be quiet there.
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Ask to go to someone's home. If you don't have a safe place in your home, go visit someone. If you have a good relationship with your neighbors, ask them to let you in. If your relatives or friends live nearby, ask to visit them.
Watch your favorite movie or listen to music. If you can't leave the house, keep yourself busy so you don't have to get involved in an argument. Turn up the volume. Wear headphones if you have them. You can also do the following:
- Finish it homework. Use this opportunity to finish what you started.
- Read a book, especially if the noise is not very loud or if you can wear headphones.
- Play video games. They will distract you from the quarrel.
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Don't blame yourself. Even if your parents sometimes quarrel over you, do not think that you are the reason for the quarrel. You can't force them to fight, they choose to do so based on the ways they have learned to communicate. You couldn't make them quarrel even if you wanted to.
Connect with other people. To worry less about your parents' quarrels, try to maintain good relationships with other people. Scientists have found that the support of loved ones has a positive effect on health. Even if your parents weren't the best successful examples to follow, you can learn to build relationships with people. It will take some effort, but if you focus more on communication and building trust, you can build better positive relationships with people.
Know how to behave if your parents are divorced or separated. If your parents have separated, you can try to lessen the impact of their arguments on you.
Ask an older sibling or friend for help. It's important to have people other than your parents that you can turn to. After an argument, your parents may be too tired and upset to console you and explain what happened. If you have a close relationship with your sibling, ask him or her to talk to you about your parents' arguments. If you're worried about something specific (like the possibility of divorce or physical harm), say so. if you have close friend, you can talk to him. Most likely, he will not be able to solve the problem, but if he good friend, he will listen to you and support you.
Take a neutral position. You should not find yourself in the middle of a quarrel. Don't take sides or get involved in arguments. You are not required to be the referee in this game.
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