Prose if a loved one betrayed you. Recent requests for help. Psychologist's advice: What to do if betrayed and how to live after

In almost all world religions, betrayal was considered and is considered one of the worst sins: Judas betrayed Christ and forever remained the embodiment of apostasy. In almost any legislation, betrayal is considered one of the most serious crimes against the state.

The moral category, and betrayal refers precisely to such, turns out to be very important both for huge states and for an individual person - everyone values ​​loyalty and despises treason. But if the best lawyers in the world and international and national courts are engaged in betrayal at the state level, then betrayal in the family or simply in human relations really remains simply on the conscience (or shamelessness) of the one who decided on it. Why can a person become a traitor, apostate, informer, spy, that is, simply a traitor?

Circumstances are very different - this is jealousy, and envy, and fear, it can be fanaticism or greed, inability to keep his mouth shut, physical weakness or ordinary stupidity. It is probably simply impossible to list all the reasons that push a person to betrayal, but the result is always practically the same - a loved one left in trouble or without the necessary help or treason.

Which of these betrayals is greater - treason to the Motherland, adultery or religious apostasy (the so-called apostasy)? How can this be measured - material losses or moral? How does a person become a traitor and what happens to his worldview? There is no justification for betrayal and a traitor (in any case, it has not been found), but how to survive the betrayal of a person, whether he violated his loyalty or did not fulfill his duty?

How to survive the betrayal of a loved one?

In ordinary life, people most often encounter the so-called "everyday" betrayal: abandoned loved ones, abandoned children, betrayal for material gain or career growth, indulging their own or someone else's whims ... Sometimes such betrayal seems small and insignificant (maybe not at all betrayal). But can betrayal be small and can it be insignificant to deceive someone's hopes?

Unfortunately, people most often have to become acquainted with betrayal even in childhood, and children experience betrayal much more difficult than the same events could be experienced by adults. With age and with the acquisition of life experience, a person already understands people much better, knows how to distance himself from some events or words, therefore, the reactions become different, and adults react to a much smaller number of events.

However, at different ages, people react to completely different words and actions. An adult can simply ignore what was perceived as a betrayal in childhood - every year he has lived changes many priorities and preferences. Although, if you look more closely, at any age a person is acutely aware of the actions of friends, but the older a person becomes, the more selective he is about the concept of friendship and the fewer people he calls true friends in his environment.

But with age, love comes into the life of any person. And it is precisely with love that a huge number of betrayals and betrayals are connected, or what people consider treason and betrayal, because often betrayal in everyday life, including in love, is imaginary, far-fetched. Someone one of the couple incorrectly evaluates the emerging or existing relationship and therefore considers some actions of his partner to be a betrayal, who perceives all relationships and all events in a completely different way.

For example, one of the couple is truly in love and evaluates everything that happens from this point of view, but the other partner simply allows himself to be loved or even lives nearby for some reason of his own that have nothing to do with love: close to work, you don't have to pay for the apartment yourself, you don't have to do some household chores ... And what does love have to do with it? Accordingly, where is the betrayal?

Probably, those couples who immediately stipulate how and why they are going to live together or on what foundations their relationship is built, act much more honestly, because in this case there is no room for illusions and wrong assessments in the relationship. After all, if a person does not love and is not going to take on any obligations and remain faithful, then in such a relationship and betrayal there is no place. However, many people often prefer to deceive themselves by building castles in the air.

But sometimes those couples whose relationship was based, it would seem, on love, have to face betrayal. As a result, families are falling apart, children are left abandoned, disabled people may be left without the necessary support ...

Do they deliberately betray people who used to be close, dear and beloved? Yes, you can justify the betrayed by the fact that he did not plan to do this, that the circumstances turned out to be stronger, that the person is weak by nature, that he simply did not have the strength and courage for an honest and frank conversation, that some actions are performed under the influence of momentary moods and generally thoughtlessly ...

But does betrayal cease to be betrayal, even if all this is so? And will it be easier for the one who was betrayed? Yes, we can say that you need to be more attentive and discerning, that you need to be more vigilant, that everyone builds relationships at their own discretion and imagination ... But will it make it any easier? How to survive the betrayal of a person who seemed to be a reliable support, who was perceived as something unshakable and constant, who was believed and who was not just one, but the only one?

It probably wouldn't hurt to first try to figure out what really happened. Maybe there was no love, at least from the betrayed side. Then there is no betrayal, but simply ended the relationship that one of the parties was built on completely different grounds. But if the clarifications become too protracted, painful or painful, then the most correct thing is not to find out the reasons for an already accomplished action and a perfect deed, but simply accept it as a fact, as something that has happened and cannot be returned back.

Should I forgive the betrayer? But forgiving betrayal is very difficult, if not impossible. Be guided by the rule of being tolerant of other people's mistakes? But if this "mistake" destroyed a huge part of the world, hurt the soul, undermined the trust in others? How to live on and how to build new relationships with people?

In psychology, in such cases, it is recommended to use the coping technique (a person's actions that help to cope with stress), according to which it is necessary to extract life experience from everything that happened so that the next time you do not step on the same rake.

If it seems that the betrayed person is still dear and needed, then you need to think carefully whether this is really so. And if the answer is yes, then you can try to try to build a relationship with this person again, really taking into account all his shortcomings and not building any illusions. But if the pain of betrayal is too strong and it is impossible to forget what happened, then it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to continue the relationship, so you should not even try.

It is completely unacceptable to cultivate resentment in oneself, to feel sorry for oneself, to cultivate a sense of one's own guilt for what happened, which, as a result, may well lead to a depressive state and to many other troubles. But pretending that nothing serious happened is also not worth it, because the "hidden" resentment has not gone anywhere and will eat away at a person from the inside for a long time.

How to get over the pain of betrayal?

When a person is faced with betrayal, he always has a question whether it could have been avoided, because if there were no betrayal, there would be no pain, and worries, and torments ... Of course, betrayal can be avoided. But the question is: is a person ready to pay the price that guarantees that there will be no betrayal? And this price is life without close people, without friends and without loved ones, without confidential conversations, without common joys and sorrows, without trust in people. That's right: if a person does not trust anyone, then no one will betray him. But who, then, would trust him?

When a person is born, he learns to trust others and build relationships with them based on trust. And only the experienced betrayal, with which they have not come to terms, teaches a person not to trust anyone, dooming him to the life of a loner. It turns out that the ability to make friends and love and reciprocate this has a downside - the risk of being betrayed and experiencing all the bitterness of abandonment and loneliness. Should we take this risk? This decision is very individual, which is based both on the life experience of each, and on moral and ethical qualities, including the ability and willingness to forgive.

However, everyone understands perfectly well that no words and no explanations can neutralize or even significantly alleviate the blow inflicted by the betrayal of a loved one. Although, on the other hand, people are strangers, strangers, distant and cannot betray, because they are far from the inner world of a person, from his secrets and pain points. It is not for nothing that they say that the most painful blows are inflicted by the closest people.

Betrayal often forces you to reconsider life priorities, life values ​​and even life plans. And if not just a loved one betrays, but a loved one, then it seems to many that the sky has fallen on their heads, that life has stopped, that nothing good will ever happen again.

But in fact, the sky remained in its rightful place and life continues anyway. They say that the Lord never sends a person more trials than a person can endure. This means that one must survive the betrayal, regarding it as another test. “And it will pass,” so it was written on the ring of King Solomon, and after all, everything really passes: first, the acuity of perception is lost, and then, albeit very gradually, new deeds and impressions cover up the old life and the old pain. Of course, a lot will be changed and experienced, but the most important thing is not just to suffer inconsolably, but to do everything possible to realize these unpleasant (and even destructive) feelings and leave them in the past as soon as possible.

To experience the pain of betrayal, first of all, it is necessary to realize what actually happened, that is, not the fact itself, but the cause of what happened. Why has a loved one betrayed? Maybe the relationship has long exhausted itself and kept only on habit?

And such "maybe" you can find many more. But if a person who was previously close and dear, in fact turned out to be faint-hearted and unable to keep his word, then it is still worth considering an unpleasant, but very likely option: it is good that what happened, because to live with a potential traitor who can in any the moment to "stab in the back" is even worse. Life constantly teaches a person lessons, and the betrayal of a neighbor is one of them. And now it is important to get the maximum benefit from this lesson: learn to observe, draw conclusions, evaluate not only words, but also real actions ...

In order to get through the pain of betrayal as quickly and easily as possible, it is necessary (yes, it is really necessary) to agree that a person who has survived the betrayal has the right to be weak, and should not behave like a staunch tin soldier.

Of course, everyone remembers that any trials must be endured without losing face, but in the case of betrayal, you can swear, cry, bang a couple of plates or wedding glasses on the floor, grind photos better than any shredder, throw away gifts and delete contacts in social networks ... Sounds like a hysteria? If this does not take on a protracted nature, then this is not so scary - emotions must be thrown out in order to return to normal life later. Yes, this life will be somewhat different from the previous one (and most likely, many), but there will be no betrayal in it, and this is worth a lot. Are you out of wedding glasses? Have all the joint photos turned to dust? Now it is possible and necessary (vital) to restore peace of mind.

You need to quickly and how you can painlessly survive the betrayal? This means that it is necessary to understand that life continues: friends and colleagues remain, work or study remains, music, hobbies, delicious khachapuri, apples and seafood salad remain, Formula 1 remains, favorite detectives are in place, and even a completely unassuming computer "Klondike" is nowhere not gone. The neighbors are still slamming the door loudly, my mother still forgets to call back, the cat is still biting the fluffy asparagus ... It's just that one significant risk has decreased - that's all.

How to survive betrayal? Yes, this is a real blow and a very strong impression, which caused a storm of strong emotions. But it has long been known that some impressions can be supplanted by others, so it is necessary (in this case really necessary) to find new experiences and emotions.

A movie theater, a theatrical premiere, a soccer match, a karate section, raising a puppy or a kitten, learning to play the violin or drum kit, a new project at work, learning Japanese - absolutely anything will do. New people, new occupations, new impressions will gradually displace the past from memory, even the most painful one. And it's not worth resurrecting the ghosts of past events, because you need to live now, not yesterday, and it makes sense to dream only about the future, but not about the past (except that historical restorations were used).

And one more thing: to survive the pain of betrayal, you just need to forgive and let go of the traitor. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. After all, who said that it is easy and calm for a betrayer? Let's remember Judas, thirty pieces of silver, an aspen tree at the end of the road ...

Of course, not all traitors choose such an ending for themselves, but nothing will save them from the judgment of conscience. And in the end it will always be harder for a traitor, because forgiving yourself your own unseemly (to put it mildly) actions is much more difficult than forgiving someone else ... Forgive. Let go in peace. Agree that everyone builds a flourishing life in their own way. And go on through life. And only so! Life goes on.

Psychologist's advice: how to quickly survive the betrayal of a loved one

Sometimes the betrayal of someone close to you becomes the reason for visiting the office of a psychologist or psychotherapist. Of course, after a detailed conversation (or even more than one), the doctor will give certain recommendations on how to get through this extremely unpleasant situation, which sometimes seems simply tragic, faster and more painlessly.

First of all, the psychologist will advise you to throw out negative emotions without hurting other people. You can cry. You can complain to your friends on social networks. You can do physical work or exercise. You can plunge headlong into official duties or social activities ... There are a lot of options for emotional relief, but the main thing is that the ability to think rationally and make correct and adequate decisions returns.

Any psychologist will certainly express a very important and serious warning - even under the influence of the strongest emotions, one should not act in accordance with erroneous and dangerous stereotypes, which are quite capable of ruining life in such a way that one won’t have to think about betrayal. You cannot immerse yourself in your sufferings, and even worse - cherish and aggravate them artificially.

The most important rule to remember in any difficult, unpleasant or even tragic situation is a firm "no" to any alcohol. I don't even want to talk about the fact that a drunk person looks at best a pity, and most often disgusting, since this has been said a myriad of times. In addition, uncontrolled alcohol consumption (under any pretext) can lead to alcoholism, which most often turns out to be a one-way ticket - getting out of the embrace of the green snake is incomparably more difficult than getting into this embrace. But that's not all.

The saddest thing in the situation with alcohol is that neither vodka, nor cognac, nor beer, nor any other alcoholic drink solve the problem, but only aggravate it, while adding new troubles.

Of course, the psychologist will also warn about the danger that a desire to avenge his pain to the whole world can cause, regardless of how much the rest of the world is involved in a difficult situation. The betrayer may well not find out about the accomplished "deeds", but how many undeservedly offended will remain? But often there is such a temptation - to ruin the life of everyone who comes to hand ... This is not just not the best idea, but the idea is absolutely wrong and extremely dangerous, because this way you can lose all loved ones, including friends and acquaintances. The world is not to blame that perfection does not exist, but after all, not only losses and suffering are possible in the world - new meetings, and new love, and new joys are quite probable.

It is very important not to dwell on your troubles, even if they seem to be just universal, because the Universe continues to live on. Stars and planets swirl in the same way, rivers flow and glaciers melt, children are born in the same way and new couples fall in love with each other. And in the same way, help is sometimes needed not only for one person, because it turns out that the betrayal of even the closest person is not the greatest grief in the world, where there are earthquakes and floods, environmental disasters and wars. Maybe you should look at the surrounding reality a little more closely and find a use for yourself, for example, in helping the wounded on the battlefield or in helping sick children?

Sometimes a psychologist may advise you to start a "Diary of Happiness", in which you need to bring in all the good things that happened during the day. A rainbow, an interesting film, a cute kitten playing on the lawn - all life consists of such trifles, and it is from them that happiness is made.

Of course, any psychologist will strongly recommend to include positive thinking: you do not need to think about your losses and misfortunes, but it is better to agree with the well-known truth that each "plus" consists of two "minuses", therefore, "pluses" should always be looked for in everything ... Betrayed is a "minus", but the traitor is no longer around, and this is a "plus".

The weather is good, the salary has been raised (or even just promised), the party in college or at work is a success - these are small or even tiny "pluses" that you should focus on so as not to feel like the embodiment of universal grief and sorrow.

Of course, in an individual conversation, the psychologist will be able to give a lot of other advice, applying which in practice it will be possible to get rid of the feeling of loss, hopelessness and other apocalyptic impressions.

conclusions

When a person is born, he still does not know anything about love, or hate, or loyalty, or betrayal. Then a person will learn to smile, walk, talk, believe and trust. And so I do not want people to lose faith in others, so that the world turns from colorful and warm to black and white and cold.

But you have to pay for everything in life, and money is the simplest and most painless form of payment. Often you have to pay with your emotions, habits, attachments, friendship, love, loyalty ... It is hard, it is very difficult and difficult. But behind any blackest cloud there is a bright and warm sun that will surely peep out. But life is endless, and therefore the end of one thing means the beginning of something next.

How to survive betrayal? Yes, just live. To live helping others, raising children, growing cacti on the windowsill and training a cheerful puppy, making plans for the summer and going to the pool or gym ...

There should be no place of hopelessness in life, even if it suddenly seems that everything is over and everything is lost, because life is wise and beautiful even in its complexity and because life is endless and inexhaustible.

If a relationship with a person lasts for many years, then anything can happen in it. Sometimes, willingly or unwillingly, betrayal can creep into them. This will not necessarily be a betrayal of her husband. Such manifestations are unfulfilled promises, deception or refusal to help in a difficult situation. Sometimes such an act becomes self-elimination in cases where support, lies or participation in intrigues on the side of enemies is necessary. How to survive the betrayal of a loved one? Let's figure it out.

The victim finds himself at a crossroads. He is faced with a choice: whether to stay on with the one who betrayed or close his eyes and move on along the same path with him. Both solutions are not easy to come by. The more people have in common, the more they love each other and the more they trusted before, the more terrible will be the stab in the back. In any case, he will have to go through. But what to do after, here everyone decides for himself separately.

Essence of Betrayal

There is nothing to justify such an act of a loved one. And there is no need to try to measure the depth of his meanness. She is a violation of all moral and legal obligations or a refusal to help.

Of course, you need to somehow survive such a blow. But one should not rush to forgive the culprit for betrayal only because he may not have caused much damage. His main offense is trampling on trust, destroying love and inflicting grievous offense. By his behavior, he completely destroys the other person's ideas about the kindness of people, destroys dreams and joint plans for the future.

The victim always has an unhealed wound, and therefore betrayal should not be viewed as something insignificant.

It is capable of performing:

• loved one;
• work comrade;
• Chief;
• confidant;
• neighbor;
• familiar;
• business partner, etc.

Do not think that a person has any right to do so. You also do not need to look for your own fault in what happened or view the situation from different angles. Betrayal in all cases remains a betrayal. In no case should you resort to tactics: hit on one cheek, turn the other.

If you do not want to break off relations with the culprit or you cannot, then you should draw certain conclusions for yourself. Right now, more than ever, it takes a sense of self-esteem to survive a blow.

There is no doubt that the traitor was dissatisfied with something, otherwise he would not have done so. But, most likely, he was motivated by ordinary cowardice. Honest people have their own principles, defend them, and most importantly they do nothing behind the back of another.

Therefore, you should not immediately look for ways out of this situation, but it is better to temporarily stop communicating with him. It is advisable to give everyone time to think over their own and others' actions.

It is necessary to understand that it is no longer possible to trust and trust a loved one. Sometimes affection, friendship or partnership remains, but trust can no longer be shown to him under any circumstances.

Surely the wound will never heal. Trying to forget about it or heal it is unlikely to succeed. It is better to think about what this experience has taught and how to apply it in the future. A man stepped over deeply personal things that were associated with him, reacted with contempt for love and did not regret the other when he realized what pain he caused by his betrayal. He is no longer able to be a support in life. In cases where the consequences are too severe, and the resentment turns into hatred, it is better to part with him forever.

Betrayal of a loved one

Most often, betrayal is understood. Husband, friend or sex partner. In this case, you do not need to pretend that nothing happened and build yourself out of yourself as a super-woman or, conversely, an all-forgiving saint. The situation must be carefully and coolly thought out in order to survive with the least loss.

It is especially difficult when a husband, beloved or close friend commits a betrayal. Such people have an entrance to the soul and with their meanness they simply kill another. This happens because they usually trust them unconditionally and entrust them with their whole life, fate and happiness.

It is also not always possible to break off relations with them, if not because of the remaining love, then because of close financial dependence.

After the betrayal is revealed, you should not try to try to ignore it or pretend that such things are just a part of life. Pulling yourself together, of course, is necessary in order to think over how to live on. It is necessary to honestly admit that the person who was given full trust did not deserve it. This fact must be accepted. Trying to forgive what cannot be forgiven, a person exposes himself to another blow.

There is no need to withdraw into yourself, trying to cope with the betrayal completely, as if it did not exist. Denial of reality is also a dangerous tactic. It is necessary to temporarily postpone all matters and just carefully comprehend what happened and its reasons. You cannot reproach yourself for temporary inaction. This is not laziness at all, but intense intellectual and nervous activity. Only after fully passing through such a period, you can get back on your feet.

Therefore, if there is a need to cry, arrange a scandal for the culprit or temporarily leave home, do not deny yourself. Emotions must be thrown out. Otherwise, they can turn into severe depression, craving for alcohol or the development of a psychosomatic illness.

If the husband has already outstripped his wife and went to his mistress himself, then you need to relieve your mother, sister, girlfriend, or, at worst, your diary.

If communal conditions allow, it is better to give yourself free rein by yelling or beating a pillow. In any case, you should feel that some of the tension has subsided.

Reaction to betrayal

Meanness remains meanness, no matter what motives move a loved one. Neither frivolity, nor enthusiasm, nor the inability to resist the temptation, are not an excuse for him. The spouse would not want his wife to do this and would not accept her reasons as an excuse. Therefore, you do not need to put yourself below him. It requires deep respect for oneself and recognition of oneself as a highly valued person, worthy of reverent treatment.

Listening to your husband, of course, is worth it, but only in order not to hush up what happened. In the course of the conversation, it will be possible to understand whether love has already died or whether it is still alive and needs to be fought for.

It is possible that a person's moral foundations are such that he considers it possible to commit betrayal, being in full confidence that he is not doing anything out of the ordinary. If his conscience does not torment him, then there is no need to try to justify him or try to keep him in his life. He would not hesitate to do it again. Nor should the severity of the incident be understated.

If severe pain is felt, then it cannot be suppressed. The other person should know why he is losing his beloved or wife. If he begs for forgiveness and, apparently, really did not plan a bad one, it is worth giving him another chance. But not more.

However, there are people who consider themselves superior to others and, clearly understanding that they are committing treason, are confident that they have a moral right to it. They should be immediately deleted, if not from life (this is not always possible), then from the heart. They are incapable of love or any serious human relationship. Communication with them will not bring happiness and joy. Even if they ask for forgiveness, you need to be very careful, since in this case the most ordinary manipulation is possible.

If the resentment and insult are very strong and it is impossible to survive them, then it is best to completely distance yourself from such a person and reduce contact with him to the very minimum. Moreover, one should be constantly on the alert. If he has not disappeared from the horizon, then a new betrayal can be expected from him.

If love is very strong and there is no strength to part with a spouse, then a very difficult path lies ahead. If the family has children, then the relationship is worth keeping for their sake, unless, of course, they also did not suffer because of his betrayal.

If the pain does not subside, but becomes stronger, it is necessary to part with your loved one. For a time or forever, it will become visible afterwards. Everyone has the right to have someone next to him who, under no circumstances, will stab him in the back. Parting with a vile personality, a woman opens the door for new, honest and truly intimate relationships.

It also happens that a person realizes too late what he has done under the influence of a minute or, temporarily forgetting about his moral principles. Then he has a hard time losing trust and the destruction of intimacy. The culprit himself will do everything to make amends for his act and do not need to punish him indefinitely. But you also can't forget about what he did. There is always the likelihood of a repeat of such an incident.

A way to survive the betrayal of a loved one and continue to exist

In any case, there will be nowhere to escape from such a fact. No matter how expensive the previous relationship is, it should be taken into account for your own safety. It is now required to look at a person with new eyes. Christian forgiveness can now serve a very dangerous service. Vile people will not change just for the reason that someone turned out to be better than them and turned a blind eye to their wrongdoing.

You should not judge yourself, considering yourself angry, tough, or vindictive. This is self-defense and a woman is obliged to protect herself and her children from new troubles and troubles.

Thus, betrayal is a very serious blow to any relationship, love, friendship, kinship or partnership. It is important to remember that after him life did not end. On the way, there will still be people worthy of all respect and trust.

In the meantime, it is advisable to distract yourself a little, pamper yourself and the children with small joys and invite the person with whom the relationship is over to completely disappear from your life.

Of course, it is impossible to immediately find a great mood and inner stability. But you still need to get away from the painful thoughts of betrayal.

In any case, no matter what happens, and whoever is the culprit of what happened, you must follow the following rules:

• not to make an ugly scandal;
• temporarily stop communicating with a person;
• do not try to justify him;
• do not seek your own fault;
• assess the degree of necessity for the further stay of the traitor in his life;
• establish clear barriers in future relationships;
• discuss after a break, when both have already come to their senses, what happened;
• understand that trust cannot be fully restored;
• build relationships on a new basis;
• prepare to start life anew.

It is worth remembering that there are still a lot of people left in life who can be recklessly trusted and better focus on them.

The betrayal of a loved one is that unexpected blow of fate that you never expect.

When the one whose heart was beating with yours in unison betrays, when it is hard to sigh from pain, thoughts obsessively do not allow you to fall asleep, pain haunts. She cannot be cured with pills, she will return tomorrow and in a month. And throughout your life, even if the cheater has long been forgiven by you, a thread of memories will drag on. How to survive the betrayal of a loved one, how to start enjoying life at least after a while? Betrayal is a collapse of trust, hopes and feelings. It seems that it is impossible to build strong relationships again if your soul was trampled by a once close and dear person. How to start simply living without tormenting yourself with the search for an answer to the question: "Why, why have I been betrayed?"

Why do people betray

Don't start making excuses. Even if during repentance you hear accusations from the wrong person, do not dare to agree with them. Yes, you could be wrong in something, you could even act wrong in relation to this person. But do not believe that the betrayal was a necessary measure. There is always a choice, so your loved one could have acted differently, without betraying: talk to you, offer to take a break in the relationship, save face in front of you. Whether to forgive betrayal is, of course, your decision. But can you trust this person?

You are unlikely to find a reason for treason. Why did the beloved betray (deceived, did not put his shoulder, chickened out)? Because it was in his interests at some point. Because he least of all thought about you during the betrayal. Own "I" overpowered human values. And even if he had his own reasons, understandable only to him, are these reasons to justify him? Therefore, do not believe when, during the showdown, many guilty ones are found. First of all, the one who committed this act in relation to you is to blame. Think carefully before forgiving betrayal.

Should we forgive betrayal?

Should we forgive betrayal? Undoubtedly. But only for himself, not for the sake of the betrayer. Daily thoughts of how to survive the betrayal of a loved one will keep you from moving forward. They will begin to poison life, they will not allow the creation of new relationships in which there will be no place for deception. When you were exchanged for someone else, when you were given a backhand blow - how to forgive betrayal? Forgive in order to live and enjoy every day?

If the person who betrayed you has a conscience, it will punish him. Will punish more severe than your words, tears. Only conscience is capable of plunging a person into repentance; it is impossible to hide from it, to leave. It is not easy to survive the betrayal of a person, but it is possible if you do some work on yourself. And even if the bonus of the trauma suffered will be the opportunity to meet new people, events, feelings on the way. Life has never stopped because of betrayal. Don't stop yours yourself.

No matter how hard it is, you will have to get used to the idea of ​​betrayal. Understand that the person who hurt you is an ordinary weak person. And certain needs intervened in his life, for the sake of which he did so meanly to you. See the benefits: in the future, you will become stronger. Yes, more distrustful, tougher, more closed, but stronger.

If you are looking for how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, the advice of a psychologist will help you. So, start working on yourself today, now.

1. Unleash your tears - do not pretend that nothing has happened.

You will deceive others, but not your heart. Allow yourself to cry out all the tears, release all the negativity, so that the spring in your chest finally unclenches. Remain weak.

2. Alcohol is not your friend.

Not a single problem has yet been solved with alcohol. In addition, overdoing it, you can make a mistake (start calling the traitor, sort out the relationship with his new passion, if there has been a betrayal). In the morning, in addition to the mental pain, "miraculous" consequences of drinking alcoholic beverages will stick to you.

3. Get out of sight of things that remind you of your tormentor.

Surviving a person's betrayal is unlikely to help his many things and photos decorating the apartment. Often, girls cry over everything related to their ex: his toothbrush, the kettle in which you heated the water together, the sand “on which he walked”. Do not bring the situation to the point of absurdity: get rid of everything that disturbs your thoughts, and do not give hidden meanings to everyday things.

4. Find something to do.

Surrender to the work process, show your professional skills. Sign up for a yoga course. Plan your day with a minimum of free time. Ideally, if you choose an occupation in which you have zero experience: complete immersion in the basics of a new occupation can captivate your thoughts, leaving no moment for suffering. If they approach, go outside and look for something to do with yourself. Go for a walk in the park,. This will help you deal with betrayal better than reclusiveness.

5. Change something in your appearance.

Get a new haircut, buy a bright dress, make a difference in your life. Become more attractive, because you have a new life ahead! Have you heard about the benefits of shopping? Updating your wardrobe on a psychological level improves your mood. Has your ex-partner never liked redheads? Now nothing stops you from such a change of image.

6. Do not drive away new acquaintances from yourself and remember old friends.

Alone, you are unlikely to stop tormenting yourself with thoughts of how to survive the betrayal of your loved one. On the contrary, a lump that you roll in your head will only aggravate the situation. At first, let you laugh with strength, half-heartedly listen to the stories of your comrades. Over time, everything will change. Do not doubt.

7. Help someone who needs you.

Who? You choose - homeless animals (you can buy a stick of cheap sausage to feed the cat near the entrance). Find out what things and toys the orphanage needs. Maybe some of the relatives will need help. You will do a good deed, your soul will become light, and difficult thoughts will recede for a while.

How to survive the betrayal of a loved one? Yes, the advice of a psychologist can help, but the main task still lies with you - stop tormenting yourself. Stop thinking about what happened. It is difficult to survive, but possible. Trust that there is a happy life ahead of you. Not all people are prone to betrayal, so do not seek to see the world through a black veil. A failed experience is also an experience.

There are more than 7 billion people on earth, remember how hard it was for you to experience your first unhappy love (did you have an unhappy love at school?) Or parting with a person “better than whom you can’t find”. It is important for you to realize that your suffering is in your head, and if you decide to get rid of it, then you will succeed.

How to survive betrayal? This event scares almost everyone in a relationship, whether they are loving or even close friends. Fear is born of the need for personal identification, experience of one's personality as part of a larger, correlating with it. A common identification is "I am a member of the family union." This is the existence of a certain "we". If it suddenly turns out that the partner belongs to another at the same time, this fact is perceived as a betrayal, an event when, without the knowledge of the other side, my social side changed. Perceiving yourself as a part of a whole, a group, even if of two, is an important need. Therefore, it is clear why the blow of betrayal is so painful. When a partner has another “we” on the side, I, without consent, become part of the union of three.

Feel the value of your own life, which you have only one, it should not be spent on experiences and negativity. In doing so, sort out the mistakes of the past. Any problem in a relationship is created by partners together. Understand mistakes so you don't make them in your next relationship. Therefore, you need to have a position to betrayal that perceives it as an experience in your life.

How to survive the betrayal of a friend?

Betrayal inflicts great trauma on a person, since it is associated with treachery and undermined trust as a result. Often female betrayal consists in the fact that a friend could not keep secret important information entrusted to her, perhaps even deliberately used it against you. Betrayal, according to many polls, is what most often people are not ready to accept in friends, because it destroys friendship itself.

If the relationship with her best friend has gone through events that can be called a betrayal, a woman often develops a feeling of hostility to the world, inability to trust anyone after this experience, especially women who are trying to establish close relationships. However, when a specific person betrayed you, this does not mean that there are only traitors around. At the same time, hostility to friendship is natural, you can understand it, accept it inside yourself as an emotional residue from what happened, which will surely pass if you psychologically work through this trauma.

How to survive the betrayal of friends? Try not to turn into an enemy inside yourself, not to plan revenge without trying to prove something, to defeat or destroy, then forgetting and putting an end to the person. After all, such a strategy will not give anything to you or to your friend who betrayed you. You will not receive real consolation from revenge, and a traitor who has experienced revenge from you will only get embittered. You will only tighten the knot tighter.

Spiritual practices here teach not only not to return evil, but sometimes even do good to a traitor. After all, by doing so you will collect "burning coals" on his head - this is nothing more than remorse. Only after experiencing them and succumbing to the awakened conscience, a person can draw conclusions. Why do you need it? Think about the fact that a friend, if she was really important to you, was valuable to you, you loved her. Revenge here will hurt you as well, even if superficially gives a sense of triumph from retribution. The challenge is to get through these emotions by drawing conclusions and, as opposed to being stuck in painful experiences.

The betrayed friend did it out of her weakness, perhaps from hidden feelings. And you, as a person who knows her well, can, with sufficient attention and patience, understand this. Realize what expectations you placed on your friend, why you brought this person closer to you, what good she gave you. Thank your ex-girlfriend inside of you for all the good things that happened in the relationship, and let her go. Such a wise metaposition, taking into account the weaknesses of human nature and all circumstances, will allow you to easily pass the pain of betrayal and maintain the ability to future trusting relationships.

It is a difficult question whether you need to trust the betrayed friend in the future. Some women find the strength in themselves enough to figure it out, talk about what happened. A betrayer may even be forgiven if her act was somehow understood by the injured party. And if both women have realized the importance of relationships, they can even continue communication and friendship after going through this experience. The decision to continue communication here is only yours, depends on the circumstances of what happened, the scale of the betrayal, his internal motives, the presence of remorse and his sincerity. Here, every woman will be helped by her inner ability for and even foreboding - the famous female intuition.

Good day! We were together for 4.5 years. Treason was on his part, he forgave. There was a fight recently. and then it turned out that he again went to that woman with whom he had already been stirring up a year ago, he did not tell me directly that they had parted. hid from that relationship for unknown reasons. We did not communicate for a month. Then he began to show some signs of attention, to come up with all sorts of reasons to see. Once they agreed that I would come to him for things, wrote an SMS that I would take a bottle with you, which she promised to give to try even at the time when they met, that is, the person made it clear that I would come not only for things, but also sit. It was on Friday, the eve of his birthday. Well, we sat down and stayed the next day, that is, he celebrated his birthday with me. He admitted that he still liked me, but for some reason he was drawn there. But when she called, he asked very much that she did not know anything and that they spent two days together. and she didn’t come to the dr., like she felt bad. I have pictures together for these two days, very incriminating. Moreover, he lied to her that I had only come to congratulate him, hoping to find him alone, and told her that I fell asleep with him and he would go to spend the night at his neighbor's I sleep in the same room, and myself in the same bed. I don’t know what to do, send pictures to her or not, she didn’t think about me when she did this, getting into a relationship. I can’t let go yet, it’s very resentful. Help!

I am 57, of them 38 years have lived in a happy marriage, the last year due to circumstances was in another city, but in June they spent a wonderful vacation together, in September he referred that he could not come because of work, but he was waiting for me forever in December, And 2 weeks ago he said that since July he has been living with an intelligent and wonderful woman who is 12 years younger than me and leaves because they have a relationship. I screamed and cried and begged to explain what had happened. During these two weeks I have been losing my mind. My whole heart ached, pressure, I don’t know how you can survive this pain of betrayal, I can’t forget for a second, He does not answer the phone, saying that everything has grown together. How can you forget and erase me at one point in life and leave your faithful wife alone at this age. We have 2 grown children and we are successful people. My husband is 60 years old, he just wanted to live, and now I am turning into an old woman and fading before our eyes.

hello! I have a cry from my heart my wife betrayed me! I just go crazy constantly crying a drooping state and scrolling the situation as she was with him it gives me wild pain! I really do not sleep for several months I can not eat for several days! I am for the family did a lot. and then this happened! I forgave her because I love madly. she is like a second daughter for me! she says that she does not love me, and I myself know that she did not have special feelings for me! have lived 10 years in marriage, I fight to the end for preservation family and wife and she doesn't give a damn about me and my family! it's impossible to live like this

Hello. I wonder how long these experiences will last, complete apathy, insomnia, no appetite. We met for a total of 7.5 years, of which 5 everything was fine, then I began to notice changes in her behavior, although she got me crazy, I didn't like her right away. Then she wanted to be always there, talking on the phone all day, if not close. They kissed a lot and everything else. After 5 years, changes began to take place, see less, call less, and stopped kissing even while making love. When I asked her, she answered that nothing had changed, just a lot of worries appeared. I'll tell you honestly jealous and immediately felt that she had someone. This went on for some time. I could not find a place for myself. Then she offered to leave because she believed that I had insanity and that I got her with my jealousy. I thought I'd go crazy. I could not work, I went to a psychologist and drank medicine, nothing helped. She felt sorry for me and we met once every two weeks and then for an hour maximum. Intimacy was already humiliating for me without affection and all that, and I saw how disgusting she was to make love to me. But I didn't know what to do. I didn’t have the heart to leave her, he was afraid to go crazy. But she did not hesitate to suck money from me, I spent everything I could if only she was there. And I couldn’t forget her, because her second cousin’s sister and her best friend works in my department under my supervision. They talk all day and this made me uneasy. I can already say that I arranged interrogations for her, like I wanted to find out if she had someone next to me, she assured there was no one just passed love. As time went on, I decided to hit on her sister in order to be closer to my beloved and to know what and how. When I invited her to meet, she only laughed and explained how it would look, and even more so she considers me only as a friend and her boss. But after a while I achieved it and we have been meeting for six months, but no one knows about it. She blames herself and worries that her sister will find out. It seems to me it became easier. But then I learned from her that she had and was different for about three years. It turns out she met with the two of us. From this, everything aggravated me and again I feel very bad. When will this love addiction end? How could she betray our relationship? In general, from the very beginning of the relationship, she strangled me, I did not want anything, and then I fell in love. And I don’t know how to get out of this nightmare? Time in my opinion does not heal. You read the forums and everyone advises psychologists to do more sports, to be distracted. And how to do it if all apathy. I can’t believe that this will pass. And in the head constantly climbs, as she makes love to him and the spirit freezes. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I can't get her out of my head. I tell her that I know that she has a man, she does not confess and says that I am delusional. She calls her sister and asks who could tell me everything. In short, everything is very bad. I did not think that this happens for so long.

• Hello Sergey. Your experiences will continue as long as you allow yourself to suffer. Accept the situation as it is.
  Your girlfriend is afraid (for her own personal reasons) to admit that she has another. Sister, knowing that your girlfriend is cheating on you, agreed to flirt and so on with you, realizing that her relative is doing the same.
  Want advice: let everyone go to all four sides, and begin to love yourself: eat normally, sleep, work quietly and enjoy life. The habit is developed in 21 days, endure this period. To act radically with subordinates - load them with work, eventually dismiss them, or look for another job yourself so as not to see them.

hello, I took a wife with a child (5 years old), she left her husband for me, they didn’t grieve for 9 years, I couldn’t make my own children, I was 100% sure of her, half a year ago I found out about the betrayal, I was very worried , I reconsidered my views, I thought that I didn’t want to make our family happy, in short I was ready to forgive, but the end is far away then I’ll catch them by correspondence, then I’ll find out that they are calling up ... and I don’t know what to do, he is also married, I had to communicate with his wife if that's what they do. he does not want to lose his wife, but even May he does not give rest, or something. I don’t understand what to do, May assures me that all this is nonsense and she loves me, and she herself sometimes cries, talking about deprived, although she is strong. People tell me at least something, I carry everything in myself to share with no one, at home the scoundrels ... tired already .. no strength ...

And I have pain, resentment, anger and confusion. After 30 years of marriage, my husband went to my only "best" friend with whom I had been friends for 20 years. For a month now I have been trying to get out of this nightmare, I cry, roar, sob, howl, my psychotherapist sat crimson at the session from my story, and I have a desire to forget everything and be born again. It hurts me a lot, I got used to the shoulder of my husband to the presence of a reliable friend, as it seemed to me, but I was left alone. They are together now and I am alone. Emptiness. Loneliness. Pain. and a tear in my eyes. There is no joy. there is no desire to do anything. I forgave my husband - because I love her very much, but I can't. does not exceed.

Betrayal is not only a male vice but also a female vice!
The wife announced that the attempted first-degree murder was natural.
Arrested inflicted beatings on meba myself and I had to think a lot!
And at that time the apartment was sold under false documents!
Thank God I got a lawyer who unwound the ball and put everything in its place!
The court was released with a determination not guilty!
More than a year could not recover! Lost the meaning of life, thank God, there is still a core!
Alas, fear or experience remained for life!

• Hold on Alex, hold on against all odds!
  Do not waste your health, you will not return it, thinking about the person who brought you pain and suffering! Everything will definitely work out! Distract yourself with work, hobbies, interesting people, books, etc., if there are children, then taking care of them.
  This is the only way I tune myself, although there is also a lot of pain in my soul (almost my whole life is in my comments from 11/01/17/2017).
  And after what I had to endure, especially over the last 2-3 years, now I am left alone with my daughter, my husband is no more, for six months now, drunkenness has done its job, my heart could not stand it. Only in the last week before the disaster and the New Year we spent wonderful, together with a family, as it was a very long time ago, and that's all ... In my soul there is annoyance, and resentment, and anger, and anger that he, being a healthy and strong man, brought everything to this , squandered and did not save his life, my daughter and I, as we did not try to reason with him, how much effort was put to save the family, everything is in vain, happy days of life are lost, with pride he broke more and more, not listening to anyone, and at the same time pity to him, in spite of everything, because she loved strongly and forgave a lot, and not everything was bad at first, I remember a lot of good things - this makes it even more painful ... You understand in your mind that everything went to this, but your heart cries out that it was possible change everything, but I was not able to alone.
  We must live on in spite of everything! Strength of spirit and good luck to you and to us!

Hello! Here I am with my pain to you. For many, my story will seem relatively easy and not worthy of attention, but I will write because it is very difficult for me. I will not write too much, I will write only the basics. I have a second husband - 4 years of marriage. Child from first marriage (10 years old son). It so happened that our relationship was built at a distance and continued in the same way after the wedding, although he promised to change everything in the very near future and that we would already live normally together. We never fought, talked every day on the phone. The first three years he came every 2 weeks (he was with us for 1-2 weeks). Then he needed to go home for several months. I moved out of my rented apartment to stay with my mother for several months. He returned three months later, we went on vacation and he again left for his homeland. I started to have questions and I started looking for information. My God, that I came across ... And I found out about another girl, and about my second wife at home too, and about the fact that she is already pregnant and about a lot more ...
And now we have not talked for almost a week, he is now in another city. He doesn't call, and neither do I, of course. I clearly understand that there can no longer be a relationship here, such a betrayal with shameless lies and sweet flattery cannot be forgiven. But it hurts and hurts me so much. I believed him unquestioningly…. his son decided to call him dad ... and here it is ... I know that it is my own fault that I allowed this. But I can't cope with the pain ...

• Hello Tatiana. It is not your fault that happened, there is nothing to blame yourself for. You just wanted to be happy. We recommend that you try to let go of the situation. All disturbing thoughts and disturbing emotions should be expressed by writing a letter. Allow yourself a free flow of thoughts, you need to express what is painful. This technique contributes to the fact that the personality gets out from the inside all the hidden feelings that do not give rest, do not allow to experience joy. In this way, you can let go of all emotions.
  It is necessary to write what one wants to express, not thinking about whether it is good or bad, not to hide it, not to conceal it. But sending it is undesirable, since it will not bring anything good, here the meaning of the method is different. After finishing writing a letter, it must be destroyed, torn, burned or thrown away, and let go of exciting thoughts with it.

Hello.
My heart is so lousy that I have no strength. I don't know how to pull myself together and move on. My story is simple, probably like many others.
Lived with my husband for 12 years. Everyone said what a good couple they were, they were 100% sure of him, they were always not just husband and wife, but friends. It was our second marriage for each of us. I have no children, he has a daughter who lives with his parents in the neighborhood (we just have 1 room apartment - his mother's, and his parents have 3 rooms). Mom didn't need it. My husband and I, moreover, are also classmates, it just so happened. We have common friends, everything in common. At one time I made good money, bought everything for the house, repairs, a new car. She put on his shoes. But it was a joy to me - I loved it so much. He also always treated me very well, we almost never even swore. I always told each other that at last, there were two halves. It was such a joy. Only there were no children. Well, it didn't work, everything seemed to be fine. I gave a hint about IVF, said it was expensive. Maybe I was wrong then that I didn't insist or didn't ask for my money. But something always stopped latently. I don’t know, maybe it’s most likely that he was not indifferent to vodka. No, not a drunkard, just if you drink, then for several days a binge. And the drunk is a completely different person, and the sober is gold. For the last two years I have moved to a new job, there is less money, more work. Delayed at work, business trips. But he understood and supported everything, always helped, waited and was happy when I was at home. I, of course, relaxed, recovered and thought that he would not go anywhere. I was just sure. He did not drink - the second time was hemmed. And a year ago I began to say more and more often about drinking that the filing is probably no longer working. But he didn't drink. Although I saw that his dad was the same! In general, after his birthday, he decided to exhibit godfather. And he came drunk. I was shocked and quarreled. And in the morning he went to work and did not come home. In general, it turned out that he had a mistress for 2 years. Found on the Internet when he was at home after the operation. He said at first out of nothing to do. I went to her because I read that he didn't care to me. In general, I came in three days later, asked for forgiveness, said that we are dear people and all that ... Of course, I was shocked, but forgiven, I loved very much. But after a couple of days he left again, because that young lady (although it is hard to call a young lady, is already 42) is pregnant. The next day, it turned out that she was not pregnant, but we were going to adopt the child, the documents had already been drawn up. But when he left, he said that when you have your own, you don't need someone else's. She's not pregnant. but he still didn’t come home. Drunken calls began about the division of property, especially cars. Although he knew whose money it was bought. I was shocked. He came, but did not take things. He will come, talk and leave. I persuaded, cried, begged. Uselessly. And one fine evening he came for good. Drunk. As it turned out later, they had a fight there. The wedding ring is sold. It was disgusting, but I accepted it. they did not give up the idea of ​​taking the child. In general, so as not to talk for a long time: he left like that, came 2 more times after that. It turned out (she enlightened) that they had great love for two years already, and had already gone on vacation twice, and that their love was eternal. In general, a month later, he again went to her with things, again being drunk. The next day, he called and said to get out of the apartment and a bunch of different nasty things. And he himself in the store with this madam was already choosing a TV. I packed up and went to my parents, though I took something from the apartment. Later they called me a thief. In general, I had to leave only with things. He brought this beauty to our apartment two weeks later. But he constantly talked to me: how he lives, what he does, how he gets used to life with her. Drank, dumped from her for a few days. And I waited like a fool. By the way, I lost 25 kg of nerves. When he saw it, he was surprised. Everyone began to tell me how good I looked, but I only needed him and I was ready to forgive him, just to return. Well, I don’t know why this is, although everyone convinced me to open my words to him. He pulled the rubber around the car for a long time. Allegedly, he was looking for half of the money, then he found it, but for some reason he was in no hurry to give it back. In general, we met and he admitted that he did not want to get a divorce, he just didn’t know how to send her. We found a way out, money, so that she would rent an apartment. He also gave a TV. We paid this loan for another six months. In general, I came back. It’s strange at first, although I’ve always considered it my home. I tried not to remember, although he himself did not let him forget - it turns out he corresponded with her all the time. I felt sorry for her poor - she has no one here! And during this time I was in the hospital for a month, I was ill, I was running around, I followed his diet. But half of the last time he again started talking about vodka, on this basis they began to argue. He's all on the nerves, irritated. One weekend, right on New Year's Eve, I went to the hairdresser, and he just wrote. that he went for a walk, relax from me, wanted a drink. Well, he disappeared for three days, it turns out - with her. All days I called, wrote, did not answer, just wrote that I did not want to speak. And then, when he answered the phone, he said that our restoration was a mistake, he does not want to live with me, and loves her. But now he is drinking. and problems at work. And most importantly, when he sent her back, he told all his friends. what she is, and what she said about his friends and their families. She just wanted to separate him from everyone, so that she would not associate with the past, they say, we are better off together and no one is needed, but you can make new friends. But not at 45, right? In general, I was left alone in the apartment, however, I said that he would go to her, but I can here. But I'm so sick. Again on the same rake. Girlfriends say, well, how much you can. And if you can't pull it out of your heart ???? I don’t depend on him materially (only morally), I have a job, I’m a director of a company, but I don’t understand why I allow myself to be treated like that. I'm afraid if she comes again, I will. But I understand that it destroys me. Nerves to hell.

Hello! Girls, dear, to everyone who is now in such a situation, I wish only strength and patience to get out of it, as well as myself, including. I have exactly the same story, only in marriage, not 4 or 10 years, but all 17, but also more complicated. I also saw the correspondence, said that he was holding nothing, drove out, came back, accepted, hoped, believed, he tried to somehow behave like a husband and a father, but everything was somehow pretentious, or so it seemed to me, because this worm gnaws constantly , and with such correspondence with others there were earlier stories, but everything stopped and I tried to forget it and not remember, but the behavior shows that something is wrong, the woman always feels, the phone lock explains a lot, intimate life became less common, I became addicted to alcohol, talked about this, if there is another - let go, go, but did not leave, says there is no one. But the booze brought the family to the boiling point, and at one point I decided to check the details of the sim card. He promised to remove her phone, not only did not delete it, but also communicated for the last 2 years, although there were periods where the lady herself, like a leech, could not keep up with him, just like SMS in the mornings and evenings, but he did nothing for her for weeks, at that moment when to improve relations with me, I already filed for divorce, there was a divorce, but they filed an appeal, he asked, to start over and return to the family, and then,
after a month. 2, how my daughter and I went on vacation, but he stayed at home, he had no opportunity to go, to resume again, but not so often, but still .. By the day of our wedding he decided to give me a picture, written by a friend, with a plot about love, I don’t argue beautifully, but the next day I called and talked about my girlfriend for a long time and noticed that that day he was in a good mood. I do not know how to explain the logic and behavior of men, but I can no longer live in lies and betrayal. I kicked out because of drunkenness, I have no strength, and then I found out that too. I myself love him, I have already forgiven a lot, but I can’t do this anymore. In my heart, as they burned everything out, a 14-year-old daughter is growing up, she understands everything, she wants to be a complete family just like me, but to forgive him again is to completely trample himself completely, if he seems to want to be with us, but continues to do so. I ask for at least some advice or support. Thank you for understanding.

• • Sveta, honey, hold on. I have almost the same thing. Such a heaviness in the soul, there are simply no words. My daughter is older than yours, she already lives separately as a family, and I don't even know how to tell her that we have problems in our family. I really sympathize with you.

    • Thank you very much girls for your support and your feedback! I try to hold on, to be distracted by something, but everything is constantly spinning in my head, I analyze the years I have lived, my own and his behavior, self-digging and the same question: why torture loved ones with my arrogance, ambition, humiliate them with lies, not hear anyone but myself? It is better to calmly put all the points and stay in front of each other just people and parents, without humiliating anyone, or, if you decide to be with a family that has gone through a lot at your mercy, forgave you your mistakes, then respect the feelings of loved ones and live like human beings!
      17 years of marriage, this is not 1 and 7. At first, everything was somehow normal, he was simple, hardworking, assertive, non-drinker (which attracted me), went in for sports, striving in life, I thought we would slowly achieve everything in life ourselves ... They agreed on love and considered him a reliable person. He is not at all rich, I am one daughter from a family of average income, I have been working since 17 years old, with higher education. image. We agreed on almost everything that was ready (mine): I had a dorm room with everything necessary for life, he had nothing - clothes and a pillow ..., he moved to me. Before that he lived with his mother. My parents have always helped us all. His mother is tight-fisted, from the first day, both morally and financially, he warned, they say, she is _uh !, but I was going to live with him, and not with her: when he brought me to introduce her to her, she said that everything was all to her. no matter who, if only it was good for him; they started talking about the wedding - she said it’s early to marry him (23), and threw us so casually - “you won’t live,” allegedly she didn’t live well with his father (for the rest of my life it stuck into me, but she loved him and didn’t even have a thought to quit) , just thought why she did that), but she - and the wedding is not needed, and she has no money at all. The wedding was still played (in 2000) at the expense of my parents, they borrowed from his friend for a suit, the mother-in-law did not even buy a shirt for her son. He and I helped our parents pay for the wedding. I felt sorry for him from the very beginning, I thought that his mother's life itself did not work out, well, okay, we can handle it ourselves, the main thing is together, next to me. He did not leave me.
      After 2 months. after the wedding, the mother-in-law suddenly found money to put up a good front door, which cost not 100 rubles, of course. I began to understand that my mother-in-law knows how to cheat well, lie and is very proud, which in the future in life manifested itself, only with greater impudence. In general, they lived normally, but gradually he could periodically stir up things with his colleagues, he could not refuse them, he came very late, and began to quarrel about this. Gradually gave up sports, and in his youth was a CCM. Here I consider myself to be guilty, I asked to be with me more often in the evenings when I went on maternity leave. Years passed, got out of the room into the block in the hostel, made the repairs themselves, his hands were golden, he strove and learned everything, his daughter grew up, sometimes the mother-in-law helped to sit (the only thing for which she is grateful). It would seem that everything is fine, but gatherings with friends became more frequent, sometimes he came after midnight, and believed that it was in the order of things. Quarrels were only on this basis and more and more often.
      The child was 3 years old when he did not come to spend the night for the first time, and came on the 3rd day, with a hangover and a request to let him in. Let it go. This was not the case in my parents' family and was not used to it. I thought my friends were confusing, because I was not like this before. I tried to reason with him, both in a good and bad way, acted for a period, and then again - friends, drinks, quarrels, my grievances, he thought that I was finding fault, he was arrogant, they could not talk for days until I myself I will take a step forward. I noticed that she appreciates herself very highly and does not consider herself guilty of her actions. With the advent of the cell phone, there were frequent phone calls and his answer - "you were wrong", detected sms and his other behavior, which made it clear that hubby loves to take a walk. There was a showdown, my mistrust appeared. From time to time it smoothed out, tried to forget, thought that she would go mad. But then, the husband decided, without advising him to change jobs (at the plant he grew from an apprentice to a workshop foreman), the reason was low salary. I found a traveling job with a higher salary, but I needed a car, and by all means have a good one. But he wants that and that's it, it doesn't matter that he hasn't traveled for 14 years and on a loan! I began to discover it for myself from the other side. We made a compromise, the desire to sell the block and buy an apartment in the future overpowered and I convinced him, bought a simple car. Then he began to change for a year by 2-3, invested in them, sold and bought another, put me only before the fact about this, motivating that I did not understand anything about this and it was time to sell. I had nothing to argue with, except that the family should decide this together, but he did not hear. I worked like this for 2 years, took out a mortgage, bought an apartment, a new one, some walls, did the repairs themselves, not the euro, but themselves, my parents helped, they moved, live and be happy, my daughter is growing up! But then, after a family vacation at the sea, upon arrival, he learns that someone else is being taken in his place, the reason is still unclear, he worked flawlessly, with pleasure. In general, I freaked out, quit. Then it went on: changing jobs, then he is not satisfied with it, then it’s not that, unstable work - unstable income with all the consequences ... despite the fact that having a mortgage, I did not think about how to pay (I have a small but stable income, I’m on one place for 20 years). He changed jobs, also confronting me with a fact. I tried to restrain myself, I thought it was difficult for him, they are weak men, I just can't find a place for myself, I have to wait and endure. I found a job, in the same area of ​​trade, not dusty - collecting applications from shops and transferring them over the Internet to the base, a stable salary, he is happy, I was happy too, BUT for a year. He had plans to start his own business, I saw that I could earn some money for start-up capital at the same time, I didn’t climb, on the contrary, I said try it, I’ll help, it will work out, I’ll quit my job and we’ll work together for ourselves. He kept silent. Subsequently, he informs me that he quit and opened an individual entrepreneur with a colleague for himself and a retail outlet in another city (50 km from us). I did not interfere, I realized that I was not needed in his business, my offers of help were ignored, I fell behind. I decided to fulfill myself in life. He always dreamed of having a lot of money and not deny himself anything. From the moment of his dismissal to the sole proprietor, there was practically no salary from him, his response to the absence of his salary - we are developing, you need to give money for the goods (business confectionery). I noticed that I was pleased with myself, but at the same time, gatherings in the garage began to become more frequent (either the car broke down, then the goods must be disassembled), parallel to drinking (like relieving fatigue and stress in a day), it became unattainable for the family, there was no time for us and household chores, zpl from him 5000 a month, well 10, and he could have lent a friend 15,000. It didn’t fit in my head. Even if he had any money, his answer is not his, it is common for individual entrepreneurs, I saw a good salary a couple of months before the New Year. And pay the mortgage and utilities. I need to every month., I need to dress the child to school, ourselves, too, and eat for something, my salary was catastrophically lacking, I could restrain myself as much as I could, I couldn’t hear it, some “later, I don’t know” ... I bought a car to drive with my partner the goods with which they bought and could not at first achieve, I knew that how much it cost, they could not have so much in six months. The constant hassle of lack of money, secrecy and his drinking led to scandals. He did not listen to my arguments, requests, he just went to my mother if I started talking about booze and money (how not to talk? How to live and pay for everything, I waited for months). So I went to my mother, first for the night, then a week or longer, ignored my calls, drank, in short rested from scandals, and then my mother left me to tell me that he was there, unless I call and I stopped calling her, they are not needed, they are not so necessary, since they do not worry about us. Then his SMS with "I'm sorry", I threatened that I would no longer let him into the house, but I forgave and accepted, tried to bring him to a calm conversation, but this was not enough for long. Further, his kooks became more and more often, with his higher opinion of himself and his righteousness, ambitions. He had money for himself. In the event of a scandal, he left, left us without money, supported the house itself, my daughter, paid the mortgage, and he would get drunk, rest and start working, and go home again “like a beaten dog,” and I regretted and forgave. In one of these drunken visits to his mother, he lost a large amount of money (100 thousand), for which it was necessary to buy goods, all documents, a phone (he often lost them). So 1.5 years passed, I understood that the person was moving away from the family, already somewhere not with us, began to keep silent more, to come home more and more often after drinking, just went to bed, began to answer the questions of why you were drinking and where you were in a boorish way. I guessed what was the matter, which was later confirmed, he had a connection on the side ..., kicked out, and immediately filed for alimony in marriage, there was nothing more to wait. He came, confessed everything, convinced him that nothing was holding him there. It still hurts and is disgusting. I believed, gave him a chance, loved, although I said if you love there, let it go. The first time I saw him so broken, he said that he wanted to be only with us. He promised to break up and protect the family from this. Alimony was a blow to him, but he accepted my conditions (but later reproached them with them). A month later, he gets into an accident in the car they bought with a partner. Our two months tried to restore it alone, a friend practically did not help him with this, but worked at their outlet, earning money for himself, and ours was left without everything. Soon, I find out that my dear took out two loans for himself, one 2 years ago for a car for a business, which he crashed (I assumed it), they paid together with a partner, and the other 3 years ago, supposedly someone crashed a car and had to give money. This all came to light when letters were sent about debt and loan delinquencies. To say that it was a shock for me, to say nothing. In general, that his partner left our business without a business and with a broken car, which is only for scrap, though they also pay in half for that loan. Ours began to drink more often, would not get a job, tried to support, persuade that it was not the worst thing, alive and well, but in vain, got a job - quit (problems with alcohol). I tried to persuade, and asked not to drink, and cursed, brought to breakdowns, kicked out, did not live for 3 months, let out their claims to each other, nothing reached him, as with a blank wall. I filed for divorce. We were divorced in 5 minutes from the first time, he did not expect that they would not even think so soon, but I was ready for anything, I was tired of all his antics, but it was warm in my soul that we were not indifferent to him. And from the same day he begins to process me and put pressure on pity. As a result, after almost a month of all our conversations, we were able to annul the divorce and again decided to live as a family. He got a normal job at this time, I helped arrange installments on his loans so that the family felt better. I saw that she was trying to improve relations with both me and my daughter (she was very offended at him), admitted that she had done a lot of nasty things and was guilty, tried to make up for lost time, but somehow everything was not right.
      Six months have passed, as they again agreed, but he can’t quit drinking, they tried to code, it didn’t help with suggestion, but I didn’t agree with medication. Maybe he doesn't drink for 10 days, and then he takes a weekend off in the week, not to be with his family, but just stupidly he drinks his days off to beastly, or for a week every day after work to drink and lie on the couch, wore the salary regularly, there was a part-time job, which in mostly drank, gave little from her, believed that it was not money, every day almost on a check, having a mortgage, his loans, and + they also deprived a friend's license a year ago for driving in an alcoholic state, how much he asked, not to sit down drunk driving, make more trouble, useless. Stubborn to stupidity. And he did not pay 30 thousand on time, there was no money and the fine has doubled now. And with such debts, however, he managed to buy a good phone for himself from a part-time job just before the scandal, instead of paying for the debts. In short, he deprived his family of everything, helped, dragged him from the bottom, sober as a man, and his hands were gold. But to live and think what awaits you today, drunk or what, there is no one to talk to, if he drinks for days, and then resentment, I can no longer. And I love, sober (another person, as before), but how many nasty things he did, deprived of everything and still continues to drown his family in drunkenness and hears no one but himself.
      In another impulse, she kicked him out the door and decided to check his phone, he was constantly blocked with him and it deduced me specifically, after he left this time I decided to check him, because lately I drank and lied. Checked it out. I made detailing during these six months. He did not break the connection with that lady, as he promised, for some time he stopped the relationship, she, like a leech herself, periodically communicated with her and not only with her, by calls and sms. These are the men, and we feel sorry for them. I told him about this, it’s my own fault, why I got in, and a bunch of accusations that I don’t want to live a normal life myself. Now 2 months have passed, alimony only with white wages 1600, brazenly said how much the state has charged, the state took care of the child, he also needs to dress, and his mother told him loans and blatantly slandered me and added fuel to the fire, and he himself gets a black mark, a good one. I asked for help from his boss, he is a stranger, he helped, set a condition for him to give another part of the salary or he would be fired. Again he does not communicate with the child at all. As we were not 17 years old. And all the claims against me from him that I did everything myself and do not want to live normally.
      That's the way girls! I never thought that such a thing is possible in life! ... I am ashamed in front of my parents and daughter.

      • Hello. Please help with advice! From the outside it is always better to know what I missed in family relationships? Forgiving too much? It's been 2 months since I kicked my drunk husband out the door and said that I knew about his interactions with different ladies. I thought that I was lying and there is no evidence whatsoever. He came and took the necessary things (what time already, there is simply no strength). There was no explanation on this matter, and I did not try to apologize, only snapped and did not know where to hide his eyes from me and regret in them. Very proud. Probably he was waiting for my invitation. Month expressed each other claims on the phone, both uttered rudeness and nastiness, me from misunderstanding and resentment, he from annoyance and anger. He remained unconvinced, although he agreed that he was doing what should not have been done, but decided that our relationship was not working out, due to the fact that I did not stop putting pressure on him and did not want to live under the hood, that I was not I want to live as before, and nothing will work out normally. And he does not try to hear and understand how my daughter and I want to live. Take it as it is and bear with it. Here I am, I will not bend. He thinks I need to start with myself, and then present something to him that I myself was dishonestly leading. Communication was stopped with terrible phrases. For a month we do not communicate at all, does not call my daughter and is not interested at all, as if we were not there or she was to blame. It hurts from everything, for the attitude towards oneself and towards the daughter, for the attitude towards life, that there is everything in order to live together as a family, and we trample each other in ambition, and does not understand that life is short, the years go by, and we spray it : he is into drunkenness and lies, I am on arguments that he does not hear at all. How much I told him about it only! All the same, I feel my guilt that I destroyed my family myself, that I had to endure, I don’t know how to cope with it, I myself became dependent on him. And if you part, you don’t want to be rude, you want to remain people for the sake of the years you have lived together and your daughter, but I don’t know how to solve this. He himself does not try to do anything, complete ignorance towards us. Everyone is to blame, but not him. Not going to fall at the feet of anyone, and we do not expect. I know that there are my mistakes, and I offended him many, with those alimony (I could not forgive), the phone, but he himself brought it all, I defended myself and my daughter as best I could, and I have every right to know what kind of life a person leads next to me, because he did not have complete openness. And I can't run after him either. Please tell me what to do?

Hello! Sorry to write in this thread ... but the topic "love addiction" is closed for comments. The question is: at the moment I have a relationship where my man is dependent on me. In general, as in the article it is written, exactly the same symptoms. The beginning was like love at first sight .. then the problems began. Quarrels and he tried to make me dependent on him. He did not let him work, he was jealous. Although he did and bought me absolutely everything ... not greedy. He will buy me something faster than himself. This is manic love ... now it has completely left him for the second time. He asks again for another chance. Help me figure it out ... is it possible to get rid of this addiction? And to make it so that there was a normal love? Or the only way to end this relationship?

• Hello Katerina. The man loves you very much and is afraid of losing, therefore he is trying to make you dependent on him. Hence, jealousy in your direction arises. He does not feel that you love him as much as he loves you. As soon as he feels this, he will soften his control. Give him as much time as he needs to make him feel confident in you and that your feelings are mutual.

Hello. Help me please. I saw the correspondence of my loved one with another woman. They talk about love, and about the impossibility of having a rest together and other mercies each other. I can't write this. We have been together for 8 years, but not married. And this woman turns out to be the one with whom he corresponded five years ago, there was a scandal, from which it turned out that they would no longer communicate. Now I already know that all this time they talked. At the expense of meetings, I cannot say that he is constantly on a business trip in another city, and he comes right next to him, but I understand that everything is possible now. What kills me the most is that I felt like we said that if there are problems, if we cannot be together, then we will be honest. He is not very talkative, but he says how bored and loves he is, and now we even decided to get married. But why is all this if you love another? Is it really impossible to say, to talk directly. It is unbearable for me, for me all this time there was only one. Yes, there were quarrels, but like everyone else. Why is he doing this to me? I can't get over it. He does not speak himself, so I will tell myself that I know and leave. This is right? It hurts so much, I feel it physically, I can't quite occupy myself. She also recently lost her job, but she could not find a job yet. And now I just want to disappear, how to drown it out. Please help me please

• Hello Nadia. It will be right to calm down at first, not let your emotions take over your mind and think what will be best for you. Only after that make a decision.

  • Hello. I felt so good with him, but now I think that I will not be able to accept and leave everything as it is. This knowledge torments me. In my mind, I constantly think about it, and imagine what is happening behind my back. Why is he so with me. He says that he loves, and with her just the same. These conversations are too similar to our conversations. Why does he continue to be about me, why is all this so? I always asked to speak as it is. I wouldn’t be forced to hold him. And she is married and has a child. Is this the point or what? Due to the inability to be together as a spare tire? This is too cruel. After all, I seriously wanted our children, although I'm afraid of that. Will he constantly run to her and back?

Nadia, hello! It seems that you have the same as my asshole-man ... I go through all the torments of the soul, doubts and suffering, as you do ...! I will be happy to talk to you! Let's support each other and find a way out! Email me at i9294540 (dog) yandex.ru or find me in contact Irishka Baeva SPB

Hello, please help me figure out what to do next and how to get through it !!! My husband and I are 6 years old, we have two daughters. When the second was pregnant, our relationship deteriorated, the pregnancy was difficult, panic attacks began, my husband did not understand, quarrels, scandals. At that time he switched to a new job. After a while a man wrote to me on social networks that my husband was cheating on me. To this my husband replied that they just work together and often call up at work, and this is her ex-boyfriend, just After that, I began to notice that he began to come late if he went somewhere to rest. In the new year, after the chiming clock, he immediately ran out of the house to the Christmas tree, saying that he wanted to rest. He appeared at 14 o'clock in the afternoon, asked for forgiveness, said That he got drunk and spent the night with a friend. But I checked the details lization of his calls and sms, it turned out that just after the new year they began to correspond, and the whole day. family relations. She believed, tried to change family relations, more attention, care, communication. We decided to keep the family together, but as it turned out, he did not stop communicating with her. He had a fight, wanted to leave, begged forgiveness, said that we are very dear to him, that he wouldn’t repeat this again and wouldn’t hurt me anymore. They tried to save the family again. It seems that everything worked out, there were no correspondences, he said that he loved. But at some point everything returned, again burned on correspondence. Again a quarrel, again a chance for preservation of the family, since all this time he said that they were just communicating, that he was not cheating on me, and for the fourth time I made a decision for myself that this would be the last time, I won’t tolerate it anymore, we decided to save it again family. Two months it was all ho well, we made plans for the future, even discussed the birth of a third child. But then he burned again, I found another phone for him, of course he made excuses that this phone was given to him just for safety, but I didn’t believe it and decided to check it for the presence of a SIM purchase cards, it turned out that a day after our application and the decision to save the family, he simply bought a new SIM card, but he did not stop communicating. but there is no strength to endure these correspondence any longer. I decided to talk to this woman, she told me that she loves him, that he has been cheating on me for a long time, that he says that he loves her and only he needs her, said that he sent him to the family more than once, but he returned her. family, then nothing has changed with us, I saw that he loves me, wants, and all this time he did not even have thoughts of leaving me, at least he never said this and did not leave himself. he slept with her, as she speaks three times a day, he would not come home from work and would not want me, but he never stopped wanting me, I saw it. And when he could have time to sleep with her, if he from work immediately to the kindergarten and home. And if I went away somewhere, then I always knew where he was. And he still says that he loves us, that he did not cheat on me, and he just needs communication from her. I don’t know what I have to do, after all, the correspondence has already been lasting for the third year, and he does not finish them, it means that something is wrong here, and after talking with her, I realized that she is also fiddling and confiding a lot. where is the truth, and where is the lie. How to survive this? Is it possible to keep the family? Or is it worth getting a divorce?

• Hello Irina. Try to give your husband what he lacks - communication. Become an interesting companion for your husband, think about personal self-development. After analyzing the correspondence, you can understand the nature of the desired. Perhaps this is a flirtation by correspondence - start texting yourself personally with your husband.
  Don't try to find the truth, try to keep your family together. Stop controlling your husband, his correspondence. By switching his attention to another (personal hobby), his interest in communicating on the side will also subside over time.

  Hello, I am reading your story and see my life for the last 2 years ... one to one, do not believe it as if I wrote it myself ... we all ended in divorce ... now we do not live for a year, lives on my own, does not live with that, but I know that I communicate on the same level as in marriage .... I do not know what to advise you, I understand your condition. ..but life, as it will no longer be, is very difficult to forgive betrayal ... but I can say, on my own, with his departures and coming, a lot of negative information accumulates, he took off a stone and hung it on me and live on with him. " ”, And communication with Madame left its mark, just such a moment came that I realized I couldn’t live with it, despite the fact that I love him very much and we have two children, now I’m trying to live on, I know what will pass, it happens, but it doesn't hurt as much as before, when it seemed that I would die ... ..
  I wish you happiness, patience, wisdom ... I hope it will come to him and he will get his family

  Hello! I had a chance to get into the situation of your husband's mistress, but I refrain so far. I loved a man who did not want to marry me, and after a stray wedding on another, he began to show sympathy for me. Now he already has two children, he drinks, is unhappy in marriage, runs away from his wife on business trips, and she passionately portrays love for children and jealousy for her husband. I can roughly imagine what that other woman feels, whom your husband refuses to marry, and uses as a pillow for tears and rest from a controlling and persecuting wife. If she lies, then in this way she protects herself from you. If you loved your husband, you would not allow him to live dishonestly, and it has nothing to do with keeping the family. It is more important to preserve the person, and with you he only does that deeply lies, and you seem to gloat that he “got burned again”. Well, if you give your children this rotten illusion of a family, they will then create the same rotten illusory families according to your templates. Well, your husband will die ten years earlier than in an honest life - will it make it easier for you? Either observe the principle of honesty in the family, or run away.

  Hello Irina! I wish you all the best, the brightest and most beautiful, and get out of this situation faster. I am now in exactly the same situation. My husband decided that I had stopped loving him and decided to find love for myself "on the side". Namely, consoling his work colleague after two unsuccessful marriages, he struck up a correspondence with her. They corresponded, called on the phone more than 50 times a day (and so EVERY day !!!). The correspondence began with morning SMS and ended "before sleepy ones." It all lasted for a year. Of course, I saw his behavior change. I tried to talk to him, but he denied everything and said that these were all my inventions. He wrote words of love to me and her: first to me, and then to her and vice versa. It seems that I want to save the family, but I just can’t come to terms with such a betrayal on his part. To my question "what is the reason?" he replied that it was so for him, it was pampering. I am completely obsessed with this problem, I can’t get it out of my head and forget. Just as I remember what he wrote to her (SMS content), it hurts so much. We have been married for over 10 years. Yes, there were problems, but not of this magnitude. I let him go to her, but he himself does not want to go there, he says that he loves only me and his son, and snya is just a text message. Therefore, after reading your message, I wish you (and myself too) to gain strength, patience. Although I myself think, if I forgive him, where is the guarantee that this will not happen again. Or maybe you and I should also talk to someone? (this is me, as if I have found one way out of this situation). The most important thing is health for you and your children. And they will still get what they deserve (from above). Not now, then later. Because I know that the evil you have done will come back to you.

  • Hello, everything is very similar to me ... I don't know how to survive betrayal ...
    We lived together for 4.5 years, then got married, and before a year passed, as from one scandal, everything went to waste ... .. there were scandals before, it happened that I left, but always put up ....
    after this scandal, we made up, went on vacation, (on vacation they also swore), but we arrived together and I thought that everything would work out, and in the morning he said that he would divorce me ... I left then ... and in the morning my friend sent pictures from the club where he hugs the girl….
    Then he began to write, call, say that he feels bad without me and he does not know how to live on .... I, too, was unbearable without him, all the years I lived only for him ... I said that there was nothing from the club, I believed because I wanted to believe, although everyone around me told me the opposite ....
    We decided to let go, forget, and start over…. but I still no no, yes I returned to that topic ...
    The application was short-lived .... I found out his correspondence with another, (he called her an old friend) that he thinks about her, that he wants to meet ... and wants more than just be friends ... and when I told him that that I know everything, at first he said that I had a dream, and then instead of apologizing (by the way, I never knew how to admit my mistakes, I could always turn so that it was me who was to blame for everything ...), as always I said that I was to blame and just me…. and this is a lesson for me for the future ... and in the morning I wrote to her, good morning, and removed me from my friends !!! I packed my things, left….
    And now it hurts so much, even climb on the stack .... I don’t understand yet what to do next, and probably the worst thing if he asked for forgiveness, I would again believe. Stupid!

    • You wrote about me. Also 4.5 years, however, this is the end. I also believed, because my head was foolish with my "crystal purity". And he always blamed me for everything, although he himself was wrong. And I also suffer from the asshole who wiped his feet on me for many years. I only try to persuade myself that the universe has fenced me off from the biggest mistake of my life. Because there is a friend who has been suffering with this for 16 years. While the wound still hurts, but, probably, such an experience was needed. I think such men do not change, and when our "handsome men" get tired of another young lady, he will go to cheat again. But the main thing is that we will no longer cry, because by that time we will be grateful to fate that has protected us from such an unworthy person.

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All was good. But one day you learned that behind your back, your loved one has long preferred not to you! Traitor! The whole world has ceased to exist! Overnight!
What does it mean to betray and how to survive betrayal? Betrayal is a violation of fidelity, treachery - this is how the explanatory dictionary explains the meaning of the word. You believed, but your faith was broken!

What did you believe in? That you are loved, that you are the only pure light for the object of your love, the only value, that you are needed forever, that they only want to build close relationships with you! You believed in the decency and honesty of your half. But according to your holy faith, exactly the one who you considered the ideal walked with the blade!

It is known that psychologists distinguish several stages of the post-betrayal period, through which the injured person necessarily passes, such as:

• acute pain ("nothing else is needed in life, the light has grown dim");
• resentment ("my pain will return to you like a boomerang");
• humility (gradual deletion of the person who betrayed you from your life);
• indifference (cooling and forgetfulness).

These are "standards." Now let's cross out the standards! Everything in our life is RELATIVE! All events and phenomena can be viewed from different angles - a double-edged sword.

Until today, you were a lighthouse, but the course of life has lured or brought a loved one to another bay, where another lighthouse shines. Perhaps it shines brighter and more attractive? Remember the popular saying: you can't command your heart. The inner world, the soul, is something that defies analysis or explanation - sheer paradoxes and illogicality.

Love is a feeling, and a feeling comes from nowhere and goes nowhere. And no one at all the times of human existence has been able to penetrate into the incomprehensible mystery of love.
So turn the betrayal to the other end, tell yourself: the person simply changed the trajectory of life's movement. And betrayal will cease to be a betrayal - it will make you feel better. Cauterize your pain with this remedy, like green tea, it will burn a little and subside.

As for the offense, in this case it is worth taking pity on YOURSELF: after all, if you throw the words “my pain will return to you” on the air, it will certainly return to the traitor. However, having pushed off from it, it can return to you again! Think about yourself!

Three answers to the question "why do people betray"

Why do people betray? There are objective positions that can lead your loved one to betrayal:

1. Lack of TRUE love

It is clear that if a person really loves, he has no need to change you for another. If the person does not love, the replacement can occur at any time. LOVING two or three at the same time is not love!

2. Increased attention to the opposite sex

Such a person can be conditionally called "a man with a manic request" who, of course, carefully hides his request from others. From among the representatives of the opposite sex, he chooses a "victim" on a specific basis of preference, for example:

• appearance trait (full or thin, tall or short, blondes or brunettes, with green eyes or blue eyes, doll-like beautiful or ugly ugly, etc.)
• age trait (young or old, older or younger than yourself, etc.)
• personality trait (calm or psychopathic, funny or romantically sad, decisive or meek, open or closed, etc.)
• behavioral trait (flirtatious, even dissolute or highly moral, etc.)
• trait of talent (sings, draws, dances, "and he sews like!", etc.)

A banal example for illustration: a middle-aged man adores flirtatious blondes with blue eyes, a doll-like appearance, much younger than him, and even if this blonde gracefully performs an oriental sexual dance ... humanly - consciousness atrophies.

An opposite example: a young boy "sinks" into adult women of bright appearance, or an adult woman goes crazy with hot brown-eyed brunettes with pumped-up biceps. Examples-models - the sea!

Each person has his own “request”, each person likes certain types of people - this is how life brings us together with our chosen ones, but a “manic request” that goes beyond average is a mental disorder that requires medical intervention.

3. Cowardice

Why do people betray? Perhaps it's cowardice. A coward is a two-faced a priori. Such a person in every possible way avoids situations that are unfavorable for him in order not to betray his vile essence. But sooner or later the situation will develop, and the coward will be discovered.

A coward always does meanness CONSCIOUSLY. It is the AWARENESS of his actions that must be feared.

The myth of the illusion

Remember the episode from the movie "In love of my own accord"? Igor and Vera, waiting for the train, went into a cafe. The waitress, a woman of Balzac's age, came up to the table.

- We had a little dispute, tell me, what is happiness? - Vera asked the waitress.
She shrugged indifferently.
- And in my opinion, happiness is to be loved and to love.
- What?
“To love the same,” the woman repeated irritably.
- Well, yes, but how could it be otherwise?
“Still young,” the waitress chuckled in response to the perplexed girl.

How to survive betrayal? In the hour of betrayal by a loved one, as with any failure, find the strength to turn your attention to YOURSELF. Take up self-criticism: what exactly was YOUR mistake? Mentally scroll back the tape of time and be able to recognize when you got into the network of ILLUSION ?!

It has long been known that we perceive the world not in volume, as in 3-D cinema, but in a plane. Psychologist V. Lozovsky says: “Our perception is one-phase - we divide the world into two parts: good and bad, right and left, up and down, inside and outside. There is a part that is visible to us and there is a hidden part. You can turn an object and look at it from the other side, but you can't see two sides at once. "

It seems that you did everything right - you loved sincerely, devotedly, sacrificially. And they got the opposite result - you were betrayed! Why is that? Why do people betray? Because you turned the relationship with your person and himself into an illusory world, and your natural feelings became inadequate in an illusory reality.

Illusions in general, and even more so concerning a loved one, are terrible in that they make you BLIND. But not only. Illusions send you to the so-called parallel world, created by yourself.

You artificially create a person, endow him with YOUR thoughts, YOUR feelings. You WANT him to treat you with interest, LOVE you, and you begin to model his personality under YOUR desires, i.e. from a real person, you create an illusory clone and enter into a relationship with an artificial double.
You blinded an illusory image and believed in its reality - ILLUSION has become a new reality for you, in which you perceive the illusion of your beloved being one-sided, “flat”.

The idealization of a real person is a mistaken and dangerous path for lovers. Moreover, the ideal is created gradually:

• at first, carefully and delicately, you remove minor flaws in the nature of your loved one that were initially visible, but you assured yourself that they were unimportant;
• then add those features that are not characteristic of him at all, and you longed to see them;
• later something stunning happens - you carefully cover up everything that does not satisfy you in it, i.e. paint over reality itself and start drawing a newly-made image on a plaster background.

It is this ephemerality, the illusion of a person that you finally fell in love with.

However, everything returned to normal! The ephemeral clone burst when revealed in betrayal - it showed up in true color! So, maybe, by creating an illusion, you BETRAYED YOURSELF ?!

The feeling of love, lively, charming, is a reality. This is an indicator of how important a person is and how you need it, attractive to you. Love is not an illusion, it is a collection of very real emotions. After all, you feel them physically!

Illusions are YOUR imaginary pictures of how a loved one treats you. If YOUR pictures do not correspond to his REAL feelings, betrayal may occur on his part. But if YOUR ideas about HIS attitude to you correspond to HIS real feelings, this is aerobatics! You will complement each other, grow in each other, no betrayal will occur.

There is a word "empathy", which means absolutely to feel and understand how others really treat you. It is important not to lose empathy in the presence of love. Then everything will be easier: you love, but clearly understand HOW your chosen one treats you, no matter what he says about his feelings.

If you do not fly off the rails of empathy, then there will be no illusion at his expense, and you will not suffer, because you will not give your love will without reciprocity.
Remember one of the commandments of Moses (Exodus 20, 4), which says: "Do not make yourself an idol." Do not forget about it for a moment when entering into a relationship with a person. Illusionary lace is a lost business, fragile.

Perceive the person as he is. If from the very beginning you see in him those features that do not appeal to you, do not dismiss them, do not replace them in your imagination with others, or do not attribute the status of others to some features.

For example, the external calmness of a man. Understand what lies behind this: restraint, endurance of an intelligent real man, or a trait called "on your mind."

Hot temper of a woman. Understand what kind of hot temper it is: the imbalance of a hysterical woman or an emotional manifestation of caring for you, when for some reason you do not hear your woman. Everything is relative!

How hard it is to understand suddenly with a sober consciousness that he loved ONE person, but he turned out to be ANOTHER! You've already experienced it!

Get away from illusions! Now you know how to protect yourself from disappointment!

How to recognize a coward? The only way

When one has to talk about cowardice in principle, one recalls the heroes of the novel by MA Bulgakov "The Master and Margarita". “Cowardice is undoubtedly one of the most terrible vices,” Pontius Pilate hears in his sleep the words of Yeshua. "No, philosopher, I object to you: this is the most terrible vice!"

So, cowardice is the MOST SCARY VICTIM. Why? Because cowardice is based on fear, therefore, a coward is capable of any action, just to keep his skin.
A coward is an egoist, he is dishonorable, mean and cunning. For the sake of preserving himself, he is ready for any abominations, including betrayal. Cowardice and betrayal from time immemorial have been despised by people, they are considered the standard of DISHONESTY.

You were betrayed - it means that there was a COWARD next to you all this time!

It is clear, like two or two: an honest person will never do evil behind the back of someone who trusted him. If the time has come to confess and tell about a new love, he will do it directly and openly.

The coward, fearing to be caught in a lie, will hide from direct conversation. A coward is a weak-minded person, capable of inordinately OFFENING and DEGRADING, stepping over you!

Is this your person? Truly not yours. But if you have already been betrayed, how can you survive the betrayal? In such a difficult moment, you need to do the following:

• cry (cry as much as the body requires);
• avoid deep depression (find someone who will listen to you, share your pain, up to a hot psychological line);
• to inspire myself with repeated repetitions of the thought: I am glad that the coward will no longer be able to hurt me;
• switch to active additional activities (hobbies, choir club, fitness, swimming pool, sports, etc.);
• start actively watching comedy films.

You understand that your illusion is shattered. But look at everything from the other side - you are free! You are free! And life seemed to put a blank white sheet in front of you - re-writing your destiny!

Now scroll back the timeline, find those episodes when the situation signaled to you that you love a coward.

What are the characteristics of a coward

Of course, there are some external manifestations: behavioral, verbal, etc. Starting to list them point by point is not the case. For example, one researcher argues that a coward usually looks elegant, but that this is how clean, caring people can look.

There is also the opposite statement: a coward is afraid to stand out from the crowd, so he dresses discreetly. Again, you can argue. Probably, the person does not like bright clothes, by nature an introvert. But he would suddenly be the first to break out of the “hated” crowd and rush into the burning house to save the child. What kind of coward is this?

They also say that a coward is restrained in showing emotions. Not true. It is not a coward who can hold his emotions, but a well-mannered person who knows how to behave correctly around people. But this same person will take and very emotionally tell you the whole truth and part as a human being.

The opposite example: a woman, positively emotional, charming, with a beautiful smile on her face - it suddenly turns out that she has been secretly cheating on you for a whole year.

Psychologists note another sign of a cowardly person: he avoids looking the other person in the eye. Not always. Known cowards, which, on the contrary, long and intently, even heartfelt look into your eyes, playing the role of a lover - this is their technique.

“They almost never gesture; they often fiddle with some object in their hands, ”- we read about the signs of a coward. All this takes place, but external signs are not yet proof that your person is necessarily a coward. These signs may alert you, but we do not recommend taking them categorically as a toolkit.

The same EMPATHY will help you to recognize a coward before he strikes a blow. You can only FEEL. What to feel? His COLD BLOOD. Cold-bloodedness, sometimes reaching the point of cruelty, is the only sign of a coward and a traitor. If a person is cold-blooded, then he will step over you - do not hesitate!

Your loved one "loves" you: caresses, kisses, smiles, sends the appropriate glances, confesses his love, admires you, showered you with compliments, says that he needs you, gives gifts, spends leisure time with you, has intimate conversations, etc. .NS. But ... if you feel, even from afar, composure, leave - he will betray you!

To admit straight to your face that you are cheating on you - a cold-blooded person is never capable of this, he does not need to. After all, by and large, you are nothing to him. From the very beginning, such a person, consciously or unconsciously, perceives you as a temporary phenomenon.

Cold-bloodedness is a sign of a sociopath. A coward is a sociopath. If you listen to your empathy and heed its warning, then you will warn yourself against betrayal and pain. If you ignore it, suffering awaits you.

If we return to the question “how does a coward manifest himself externally?”, Then, of course, there is a certain demeanor that betrays him. It:

• is secretive, common topics of conversation disappear;
• hides his eyes, or his eyes “run”, or, conversely, looks directly into your eyes for an excessively long time, but “artificially” (there may be emptiness in this look, or there may be depth that you cannot explain, which is akin to sadness; in any case, the look differs from the previous one, in which love prevailed, and now it is not);
• moves away from straightforward answers, is finished off with some hints, half-understandable fragmentary phrases;
• twitchy reaction to phone calls or incoming messages (either does not answer at all in your presence, which has never happened, either answers by throwing sidelong glances at you, as if afraid of being exposed, or leaves the house altogether so that you do not hear or see him );
• the play is a killer example of a coward's behavior (some people, obsessed with fear of direct exposure, create a scenario that meets their goal, called “you were the first to leave me,” that is, they actually turn everything upside down, making you guilty; they allegedly act meanly so that you yourself will abandon them first).

The attitude is cruel, misleading you in an even worse way. Perhaps the play is almost impossible to recognize, and it is played by very sophisticated "great artists-traitors." But in their play, they use the same behavioral patterns. If something alarms you, be on the alert, you will probably soon find out that your loved one is a traitor.

Pay attention to the verbal demeanor that exposes a potential traitor to a coward:

• be afraid of the phrase “I'd rather be bad (s)” (this is the position of a weak-minded person, a priori; one who is not a coward knows how to be responsible for his actions, no matter how hard it is to do it, he overcomes his fear);
• be afraid of explanations and apologies in electronic form (if the long-awaited word "forgive" is ridiculously shameful in SMS, by e-mail, in the networks, there is no trust in such a person; the one who is not a coward and sincerely seeks forgiveness, asks him only eye to eye ).

ONEGIN'S SYNDROME

Traitors are different. Some will cheat all their lives until she beats them herself - these are incorrigible cowards.

And there are "traitors by mistake." They realize the disgustingness of their act, repent and strive to rehabilitate themselves, to “redeem with blood” their guilt - first of all for themselves, realizing that a treacherous act corrupts his personality.

Indeed, betrayal is embedded in the fabric of personality as an indelible mark. But how to survive betrayal, and why do people betray?

Let us turn again for the sake of brilliance to the image of Pontius Pilate, who understood his cowardice and steadfastly endured the well-deserved punishment of immortality until he received the forgiveness of the one whom he betrayed - the philosopher Yeshua. Yeshua said, “Now we are always together. Where you are, there I am. " Where there is a traitor, there is also his "victim", because the ghost of her persistently pursues the betrayer. This is his tragedy and punishment.

It has been verified by life: if a person has betrayed once, then he will betray both the second and the third. Overcoming cowardice in oneself is subject to a very strong person, “unfinished,” so to speak. If betrayal is a mistake, then it is correctable, like any mistake.

But for you, devotees, that doesn't make it any easier. Or is it easier? If you believe in your loved one, then maybe by your faith you will save him? If you are convinced that he is a complete bastard, let him go on all four sides - this is not your companion.

However, there is another option called "Onegin's syndrome": the traitor deeply realized what he had done, WHOM he lost as a result of his cowardice, he regrets what he had done, tears his hair and RETURNS.

Decide here. The return of the person who betrayed you is an even more terrible test for you, be ready for it. Are you forgiven? But decide firmly: will you take it back or not? In this case, no one will give any advice. The main thing is not to make a mistake again.

Four ways to protect yourself from betrayal

Ijozef Czapek wrote: "Evil most often follows from moral weakness, from disregard for the good of one's neighbor." Betrayal is evil. Consequently, a traitor is a morally weak person and neglects his neighbor. How can you protect yourself from this kind of evil? How to build some kind of barrier that will allow you to remain unharmed?

First, DISTANCE

And love. Yes, man is dear. Yes, you are ready to sacrifice for him. Love, cherish and sacrifice, but remember YOURSELF! If you allow the situation of “complete dissolution in a loved one,” sooner or later you will perish.

Dissolving, surrendering to the last drop of blood, you will cease to be yourself. And having lost your Personality, you will cease to interest a person, since everyone always prefers exclusive, and in love too.

Stay out of reach in something, let your loved one constantly chase you: a man follows a woman, and a woman follows a man.

In everyone, no matter how close you are, something unknown should always be attracted. A loved one must always rediscover you, like the captain of a frigate discovers a hitherto unknown, tempting island. You cannot get bored.

This distance will maintain your dignity.

How to build some kind of barrier that will allow you to remain unharmed?

Second, HATE

Obsession is the most disgusting way to get attention. Stickiness is repulsive. Learn to be a diplomat in a relationship. Imposing yourself on another person always humiliates you in his eyes. "Auere mediocritas" is the golden mean. Know when to stop.

Third, EMPATHY

Develop your empathy. If you feel that the person is moving away from you, treats you coldly, be alert. Find out the reason for the cooling and try to come to a common denominator. And if your loved one does not go to the conversation, leave, reluctantly, clenching your teeth. Leave silently, without psychic scenes, they are useless. Pulling to the last limit, when you are betrayed from behind, is not worth it - it will be even more painful.

Fourth, READINESS No. 1

From the very beginning of a joint relationship, seriously prepare your psyche, following the principle: hope for the best, believe in the best, but be prepared for the worst. This is necessary in order to maintain calmness. After all, there are many unforeseen things in life. It's like a sack of EP in case of a bombing or natural disaster: it may never come in handy, or it may help out in difficult times.

THREE STEPS TO A "MATURE PERSONALITY"

You may ask: if you expect betrayal, then why connect with a person at all? But what about trust? With love in the end? No, no, it's not about that. Trust and love, of course! But ... "Tempora mutantur at nos mutamur in illis" - times change, and we change with them. Anything can happen.

Let's go back to the outcome: you have been BETRAYED! The first is shock and shock, and then - aching, hellish pain! But how to survive betrayal? Imagine a picture: you are the earth scorched by fire, charred to the ground after the fire. And in a few days, fresh green blades of grass will hatch on a black surface smelling of fumes, and soon an emerald quivering carpet will spread over the wound inflicted by fire. You will come to life!

"Cuncta fluunt" - everything goes away! Life will take its toll! Wish the one who betrayed you good. And there the forces governing us will judge what is due to him. This is no longer your business. Your job is to survive! To do this, you should adhere to three postulates:

• "I EXPERIENCED betrayal and did not break (s)" - I am a STRONG PERSONALITY.
• “I not only didn’t break, but I learned VALUABLE LESSONS for myself” - I am a person “SPIRITUALLY MATURE”.
• “I wish health and happiness to the one who entered the path of betrayal” - I, through grief and suffering, CLEANED and EXPECTED my soul.

HURRAH! I have been betrayed!

In the end, we offer you a universal cure for any pain - the so often used phrase: EVERYTHING FOR THE BETTER! But that's why it is classic, which really works.

You have been betrayed - cross out this day, dust yourself off, thank God for giving you a colossal lesson, for RIDING YOU FROM THE EVIL and move on with your head held high!

You have stood, you are the winner! You are free!

The best is yet to come!