Question for a psychologist:
Good afternoon. I have flashes of sadness over normal problems. Such as lack of money, large bills for housing and communal services, the need to make large purchases, etc. I pointed out that these are flashes, because at the moment when, as it seems to me, a problem arises, it always happens as if suddenly for me, that is, at some minute I understand that there is no money (although, firstly, there is, secondly, I knew about the spending in advance and I agreed with everything and understood everything) I get terribly upset, just as if a catastrophe had happened, then I try to find the strength to cope with this situation, but I start to cry furiously and in the end I'm looking for the culprit. Usually the outbreak lasts 1 day, the next day I try to pull myself together, be disciplined, and already on the 3rd day I begin to be tormented by a feeling of guilt and misunderstanding - what is the reason for all this. I tried to look for some deep reason in this, but there is none. Everything is really normal, I just react this way to some minor difficulties. I am very scared and it seems to me that everything that is happening is not my life, I made some mistake and now everything will be bad. I'm married, no children, high school, normal. I earn money. I come from a single-parent family, I lived with my grandmother, then with my mother, relations in the family were always not very friendly and somehow it is not customary for us to discuss everyday issues, everything somehow has to be resolved on its own and someone always has something for us must. My mother and I lived quite poorly, in an old hostel, and in my youth it always seemed to me that nothing would work out in life and that I had to work very hard. I have been working since I was 17 years old. My relationship with my husband is good, except for the problem described. We earn the same amount, but since we have a mortgage, renovations, and youth, sometimes we don’t have enough money, but this is some kind of standard situation, i.e. just like others. I don’t know when such attacks began, but I always reacted very violently to everyday problems, it seemed to me that the question of money, how to spend it, take out loans / not take out loans, buy equipment, not buy, is of paramount importance. I really don’t like it when people don’t know how to count money or behave wastefully. I would even say I hate this. Sometimes such outbreaks happen for other reasons, for example, now I can’t get pregnant, and sometimes it seems to me that this will never happen, but again it all comes down to money, and if I can’t, then I will need money. At the same time, I never regret my loved ones. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, but if my mother needs expensive medicine, what are we talking about, it’s necessary. The essence of my question is not the problems themselves, but these difficulties exist. And how not to be hysterical about this. Somehow it’s easy to say in words - I’m upset that I didn’t have enough money for a haircut, etc. and so that at the same time it would let me go, that is, I would calmly worry about the problem. I have no questions or complaints about myself in life, I love myself and, in principle, I have peace with myself, this applies to appearance, work, etc. And in life I am a calm person, even in stressful situations I am always very calm, there are no outbursts of emotionality with me. I can shout or quarrel with someone (for example, in a clinic), but I do this not because I can’t restrain myself, but because I know that sometimes problems can be solved with the help of pressure, and for me this is just a method, nothing more. But this happens very rarely. But when I get upset, I stop being myself, I turn into the aunt from the Let Them Talk program, I moralize, demand, look for who is to blame and hate myself for it. Then everything goes away. I used to quarrel with my mother like that, now sometimes I blame my husband, sometimes I just withdraw into myself and get hysterical with myself. When I lived with my mother, I believed that everything was her fault, that she was not capable of solving even her own problems, and that she could listen to me and somehow be more organized and collect less gossip and be indignant, and be more involved in her own life. In the end, I bought my mother an apartment, I take care of her because she is sick, I solve all the problems, and so the problem with her was resolved. All this no longer irritates me, since she has a very serious incurable disease and it seems like there’s nothing to talk about, the person is sick. My husband and I think that we live too well, that is, we should be more modest. But we don’t drive expensive cars or spend money unreasonably. But we buy good furniture and equipment, and clothes, go to paid dentistry, etc., that is, we are a modern family that does everything ourselves and does not expect anything from anyone. But we must remember what country we live in and there is no need to get used to good things. And in the end (for example, this case is one of many), when buying a kitchen, I threw a tantrum that it was very expensive, although neither the price at that time nor the company had been agreed upon, but I was sure that he would order the most expensive and we wouldn’t be able to pay for it. Why? I don't know. He is a decisive person who can be relied upon; I am not required to make such decisions. Why couldn’t I say - honey, it’s expensive, we need to consider other options. Answer: because he won't listen to me. But there was never a time when he didn’t listen to me. He sometimes jokes with me that I’m a terrible money-eater, but this doesn’t concern serious issues, these are jokes about the fact that I don’t want to pay for SMS from the bank for 60 rubles. or that I’m the same old woman who finds out where things are cheaper and goes to the other end of the city, etc. Sometimes I get angry with him, why he can buy himself an expensive sweater, but I can’t. But this has nothing to do with the ban or lack of money. It's just that he can, but I can't. He's a cool guy, and I'm a poor guy. I had panic attacks before, which also lasted 3 days, the same cycle as I described. My specific question is how to be myself all the time, the calm, reasonable person that I am. How to be calmer about everyday difficulties? Thank you in advance.
Psychologist Alexander Evgenievich Zhuravlev answers the question.
Hello, Ekaterina.
Well, let's still start working on ourselves in the sense of expanding self-awareness, personal growth and learning to control ourselves!
What am I talking about?
First of all, I mean that right from this very minute, start controlling your thoughts - STOP CRITICIZING YOURSELF! And this is precisely about self-control. The order of thoughts affects the emotional background that accompanies this or that event in your life.
So, first, remove self-criticism. You find the opportunity to criticize yourself for literally everything: for what is very rational and reasonable; for having your own opinion on any matter; because you have a completely different nature.
Vice versa! Ekaterina, start praising and encouraging yourself! Carry out the so-called "reframing". That is, find such NAMES for the manifestations of your character, the features of your philosophy and worldview. which would not contain negative connotations!
This does not apply to you personally, but here are some examples:
timidity can be called caution, timidity and suspiciousness - foresight, stinginess - frugality, severity - restraint, etc.
Very soon the feeling of heaviness will go away on its own.
At the same time, start encouraging yourself.
In my previous answer to a rather complex question about finding yourself, I spoke in some detail about how harmful it is to ignore the “child” in yourself! “Inner child” is the most important ego state of a person, affecting the quality of life!
Have you ever thought about what the Ekaterina-girl living inside you wants? Play? What games and what toys? Study? What exactly? Maybe she wants to draw, sing, embroider, sculpt, walk, travel, etc.? Maybe she wants something that she’s afraid to even ask for??? For example, go to the store and buy yourself everything that your soul (and wallet) allows??? And I don’t care how expensive it is! I don't care if it's not useful! I don't care if it doesn't work! Simply because I WANT IT!
Maybe you want her sweets? Cakes? Cartoons? Laugh? Should I cry???
In short, I need to think about what my “inner child” wants, what he has been waiting for for a long time and why he is sick!
Your "baby" is sick. He stopped giving you energy, “fuel”. He stopped painting your life in beautiful bright colors! We need to wake him up, treat him and start loving him!
Remember life!
As soon as we begin to forget that our child is growing and existing nearby, he begins to react: he attracts our attention with pranks. begins to disturb us, irritate us... A child may even get sick and do something out of the ordinary, just to attract our attention, to remind us that he is alive, he is alive and wants to be in the same coordinate system with us! The child may even die if we forget about him altogether. And to rebel and protest - as much as you want!!!
But these “riots”, “protests” and “diseases” are costing us dearly!
This, Katya, is our illnesses, our failed, sad life, our personal problems. For some it is alcoholism, drugs and other addictions! This is the result!
Support your "baby"! Feed him with chocolates. Teach him to trust you again. Let him have fun!
Now about fears. They are rational, justified and irrational.
As soon as the “fear of the future” comes (what will happen tomorrow, will there be enough money, etc.), then start planning! Plan and everything will be fine!
If the question is whether or not to buy something for yourself, then consider this purchase from the point of view of your financial plans. If everything is ok, then feel free to buy!
Plan everything a little in advance, but remember: THE MOST PLEASANT GIFTS TO YOUR LOVED ARE THE UNPLANNED!
And this is where you learn to overcome yourself! At least once, force yourself to do something “stupid”, but on a reasonable scale.
Remember: THIS IS THERAPY! You (or rather, your “baby”) need this “stupidity” just like bread, tea, milk, air! It will pay off for you!!!
The “child” will repay you with gratitude in the form of energy, satisfaction, and pleasure from life! He will repay you with HEALTH!
You need to learn to live your life. Just stop looking at how others live: worse, better, richer, poorer, etc.
You and your husband have YOUR OWN, UNIQUE, LIFE PATH! He - the path - should not be the same as others. He doesn't have to be better. (In general, the parameter “better or worse” is very relative!) It DEFINITELY won’t be worse. Because you are smart, modern, healthy people and want to live!
Change the order of your thinking. Take it easy on yourself and your nature.
Learn to see and love the “inner child”. Encourage yourself and him.
No criticism, no self-criticism, no comparing yourself to others!
Plan. Reasonable and calm. But allow yourself the unplanned.
Talk to your husband! I haven’t written about this in detail, but now I’m writing. Learn to voice your feelings, your anxiety. “Honey, I worry when I see how we spend money, etc. Help me figure it out!” That's exactly it!
You will relieve yourself of excessive anxiety and definitely restore balance in your soul. And your husband (your beloved man) will help you!
4.9 Rating 4.90 (5 Votes)
“Take life more simply,” we often hear. Some people are indeed endowed by nature with the gift of perceiving everything easily. But how to do this if you are not one of them? Many of us suffer from the fact that even small troubles unsettle us for a long time. A bad haircut, offensive words, a tasteless and cold dish in a cafe... But life is so short, and it’s stupid to spend it all on frustrations and worries. Is it possible to learn to live easily?
Scaling. Do you like your life? Your job, your life partner, friends, family? City where you live? If so, then maybe you shouldn’t worry about the fact that the hairdresser dyed you the wrong shade or gave you a bad haircut? Indeed, this is very unpleasant. Any girl knows how depressing it is to walk around for a month or two with the “wrong” color or “wrong” hairstyle on her head. But this is not a tragedy of life, and it’s a pity to even spend a few days being upset about this. A happy person will look beautiful even with an imperfect hairstyle.
There is also scaling in the opposite direction, “from large to small.” This helps at the stage of big life troubles - troubles at work, quarrels with loved ones, illness. Find little things that will make you happy every day. A funny bird on a branch outside the window, a delicious chocolate bar, clothes of your favorite color. Any little thing can be supportive and help you get through a difficult period.
Stick to your line, but be flexible. It's good if you know what you want from life. But what if everything goes wrong? Instead of trying to go ahead, isn't it better to adapt flexibly, making the most of today's circumstances? Even if they don't seem to be the most profitable. For example, you were unable to get a job in your specialty, but you need money - and you have to go to a place that is not very interesting for you. But maybe there you can develop some new skills and qualities? In a year or two, you will be busy again, and your varied resume may attract the right people to you. Make acquaintances and connections in your current place - they may come in handy.
Until something bad happens, it does not exist. So don't think about him. Unfortunately, death, disease and accidents exist on Earth. Nevertheless, many people live comfortably into old age without misfortunes or terrible diseases. You and your loved ones may well be among them. Why invent all sorts of horrors before they happen? This is not about turning a blind eye to existing problems, but about not inventing non-existent ones. If your child does not answer calls within 15 minutes, most likely he is just playing with friends and does not hear the phone call. There is no need to immediately imagine that he was hit by a car or kidnapped. Constantly thinking about scary things is unhealthy, and it certainly won’t lead to anything good. Don't bring yourself to this point, don't imagine nightmares.
Perfectionism is unfulfilled desires. When we are dissatisfied in a big way, we begin to find fault with little things about what we have. And then it suddenly turns out that the husband’s shoes are unclean, the bus is always stuck in a traffic jam, forcing you to curse everything in the world, all the cafes suddenly turn out to be noisy and have poor service, and your colleagues at work are incompetent. If annoying little things start to annoy you more and more often, think about what you are missing? No, not in small ways, but for real. Do you want to go on a trip around the world, but haven't taken a vacation in three years? Or have you ever dreamed of writing a book, but instead are trying to make a career as a manager because it is “in demand” and “reasonable”? Or, on the contrary, are you sitting at home working on your farm, but in your dreams you see yourself as a chic businesswoman conducting negotiations and traveling to business meetings? There is only one life, according to rumors. It’s not a fact that you will be able to change it radically. But if you don’t try now, you may simply not have time.
You don't have to feel ashamed for every mistake. No, really. Usually this is what our parents teach us - the desire to “succeed” in everything, from school grades to the cleanliness of your own child’s clothes and the success of your husband. If your mother asks why her grandson got so dirty, and where you yourself got such a terrible haircut, and you internally shrink (“I’m not perfect”) - perhaps this is your case. Eradicating inherited stereotypes is not easy, but it’s worth a try. You can live much more relaxed, and nothing will collapse. If you don’t wash the dishes in the evening, they will, of course, sit in the sink until the morning, and maybe even start to smell. But you wash it in the morning, ventilate the kitchen, and everything will be fine again. You can wear a blouse that doesn't match your color too well - chances are no one will even notice. And if he notices, he won’t attach any importance - most of the time people think about themselves, and not about you. So forgive yourself all the small mistakes - an imperfectly completed project at work, your son getting dirty in the yard and your shoes that don’t match your outfit.
Listen to your intuition. Science fully recognizes the existence of a “sixth sense”. Psychologists believe that some signals and impressions that we pick up, the consciousness simply does not have time to record. However, they remain in memory as a vague feeling that we call intuition. For example, you once heard out of the corner of your ear an unpleasant story about a certain person, and immediately forgot it as unnecessary. And now you have to do an important thing with this person - and your soul is restless. You no longer remember that ugly story, but your brain recorded the general impression: “He can’t.” Or you suddenly put on your makeup and dress especially carefully before a regular walk, and as if by magic, you meet the person you like. Coincidence? Perhaps he once mentioned that he lives nearby and often walks his dog in your area. In any case, life becomes much more exciting if you follow not only the cold voice of reason.
Psychologists never tire of repeating: “Human thoughts are material.” And if you think about the bad all the time, you can greatly complicate your existence. But learning how to take a simpler approach to life and see mostly positive aspects in it is not so easy. Although this task is quite within the capabilities of every person.
My motto is to look at the world more simply!
But first we need to define the boundaries of “simplification”. What does it mean to “look at life in a simple way”? Become a don't care? Descend to a vegetable existence, including the satisfaction of simple needs? Stop following the moral and ethical standards that interfere with life and follow only your own lead? But just the other extreme is a reason for new worries, stress and sad thoughts about one’s own worthlessness.
Taking a simpler approach to life means finding every day a reason for joy, which, in turn, will give strength to withstand worries and stress. Any problem acquires the seriousness of the degree that we ourselves attach to it. But many of them, capable of causing panic under the influence of an emotional moment, generally often “dissolve” on their own. Therefore, to start living easier, you need to learn to manage your emotions and thoughts.
May 15
Often we take everything to heart, worry about trifles and complicate our lives. A lot of appointments, a lot of planned things to do, a lot of work, endless worries and troubles - all this destroys our peace and does not allow us to live a free and happy life. How to be? You need to make the principle of simplicity the rule of your life!
The more difficult life is, the more difficult it is to be truly happy. Simplicity is the secret of happiness!
Simplicity of thinking
Simplicity of life does not at all mean giving up some innocent hobbies, pleasures and joys of life. Simplicity starts in your thinking. The worries, tasks and problems that occupy your mind constantly do not allow peace, balance, and tranquility to enter within. When there is a lot going on in your head, it is very difficult to learn to be mindful, notice the beauty of every moment of life and look at the world around you with love.
The ability to free the mind from an inexhaustible stream of thoughts is the simplicity of life. Give up unnecessary worries, useless thoughts, self-criticism and the eternal race. And you can achieve much more. We achieve our goals and realize our dreams faster and more effectively when we allow ourselves to be focused, without being distracted by other things or trying to get everything at once. The process of concentration is called meditation. When we simply concentrate on what is really important to us at this moment, the chaos in our thoughts goes away and we begin to simply live. Meaningful, conscious and happy!
Easy to use
Stop thinking about your work productivity, goals, meetings, important to-do lists. Take time management principles and creating an ideal workspace out of your head. Focus on the things that really matter. Be in the present moment.
When you simplify an action or process, peace of mind comes to you.. And the calmer and simpler life is, the more harmonious it is and the more open it is to fresh ideas, new beginnings and positive results. Success begins to come by itself in a calm and liberated space. Just work every day and enjoy it.
Simplicity at home
In a surprising way order in the house puts thoughts in order, removes worries and worries. It's time to empty your home for joy and sunshine. To do this, you need to clean it of unnecessary things.
Conduct an audit of your wardrobe, cabinets, and shelves. Surely you will find many things that have not been used for a long time, but lie as dead weight. Give away these things, donate clothes to the temple, give books to the library. Choose moderation over hoarding.
Simplicity in relationships
To have a simpler attitude towards life, you need to be easier towards yourself and the people around you.. How? Focus on the good. Stop starting scandals for any reason. It doesn’t matter at all how many times the word “love” was said this evening, or the number of socks and unwashed dishes scattered around the house. Attitude is important. When you look at people out of love, the desire to do something good for them, to somehow serve them, simplicity itself comes into life.
Speak to people in simple and clear words. Choose love instead of criticism, happiness in this moment instead of many expectations from others. Be attentive to people, give them your time, don’t grumble, but smile. It's very simple! It’s easier to say something kind to someone else than to walk around all day looking like everyone owes you something.!
Simplicity in desires
Stop wanting exorbitant wealth, fame and recognition. It won't bring happiness. Learn to be happy right now! You can make your life easier, regardless of external circumstances. Just decide to apply the principle of simplicity in your life, inspire others and take action.
Our purpose is simply to live. Be yourself in every minute of your life. Treating life more simply means learning to accept yourself without negativity and denial of certain qualities, loving yourself and not complicating your life with grumbling, dissatisfaction and eternal races in an effort to achieve some heights.
Learn to live easier
Try to live one day measuredly, harmoniously, listening to yourself and others. Clear your home of unnecessary things, talk to your loved one sincerely without demands or reproaches, work not for the sake of results, but for the pleasure of doing what you love. Choose an evening walk near the forest instead of a computer game, eat a simple vegetable salad instead of a gourmet dish with 20 ingredients, sit in silence and think about how wonderful this life is.
Let the Universe help you and give you happiness and joy, infusing them into the free space of your life. Feel how easy it is to live here and now, in the peace and quiet of your heart. It's amazing how simple life really is.
Why are some people chronically unlucky, while others shamelessly enjoy life and don’t give a damn? The answer is simple: the first, no matter how they hide it, are pessimists, and the second, don’t care. Pessimists watch football matches on TV, fight in a meaningless fight for their rights and constantly create problems out of nothing, and not only for themselves. Those who don’t give a damn play this football, know all their rights and make history. The line between healthy indifference and outright selfishness is very thin, and happy is the one who managed to feel this golden mean.
How to spot a pessimist in a crowd? Characteristics of a pessimist
How to spot a non-groomer in a crowd? Characteristics of a person who doesn't care
It’s easy to conclude that healthy indifference is quite appropriate and even useful.
How to learneasierattitude towards life?
Is it possible to change your pessimistic attitude? First of all, you need to clearly distinguish banal primitive indifference from healthy. Banal indifference is free drift with the flow, selfishness and ineradicable laziness. Healthy indifference is the talent to change the direction of the flow at the right moment, breadth of soul and ease of rise.
The first steps to healthy not giving a fuck:
- Rest (leisure) – this is the time that no one will return. Life itself depends on the fulfillment of life: positive results in positive results, negative results in progressively negative results. By filling life with positive emotions and relaxation with favorite activities, we give our consciousness the right creative attitude.
- Whining and complaints about life - taboo . Even among family.
- “Pitiful little people”, “vile saleswoman”, “traffic cop”... Changing the setting . You can see the good in every person. You just need to want it.
- “I will never earn money for an apartment (car, microwave, ficus...).” A rolling stone gathers no moss . To get something, you need to make an effort. And with a smile on his lips and the attitude “I can handle anything.” First - the goal, then a step-by-step plan, then - confident pursuit of the goal. Even if it takes several years to get there. Do you want to become a great photographer? So, stop drooling over the works of professionals, and grab a camera and go to the courses. Dreaming of the laurels of a writer? Find your genre and learn to burn people’s hearts with your verb.
- “Nothing depends on me anyway”, “I still can’t”... The eyes are afraid, but the hands are doing! Expecting failure, a person attracts it. “Order” only positive things for yourself. The attitude is “I can do it”, “I can do it”, “I can handle it”. And remember the truth - “if you peer into an abyss for a long time, the abyss begins to peer into you.”
- Money. There are never too many of them. It’s just that one doesn’t have enough for bread, and the other doesn’t have enough for diamond caviar or a fifth yacht. Here you will have to decide. If you’re just happy with a debt-free life, then it’s time to stop complaining about the lack of money and start enjoying fishing, picnics and intimate meetings with friends over a glass of tea. If ambitions are torn from within, then you should forget about everything written above and change your lifestyle, focusing on the road leading to enrichment.
How to attract money. Don't care technique
First of all, you need to decide - how much do you actually need? Have you decided? Write down the amount in a notepad and read on. The presence of at least one of the listed points is your obstacle on the path to wealth:
None of the points fit? Then feel free to decide on your occupation
for the next few years, compare the amount written in the notebook with the chosen activity and go ahead. Does not work? Re-read the points again.
We attract health - the philosophy of a don’t care
You can't buy health
– it’s not for nothing that they say so. And all great earnings are dust compared to health and its role in life. First we work to spend money on pleasure. Having earned money, we understand that these pleasures are already contraindicated for us due to health reasons. Only by really working on yourself can you achieve results.
Healthy indifference. Postulates
Not caring is not a disregard for everyone and everything. Healthy indifference is the line between indifference to negativity and absolute indifference to everything with symptoms of selfishness.
Ten recipes for healthy indifference:
- Banish negative thoughts . Straightaway! As soon as such a thought tries to creep into your head. Catch her on the threshold and drive her away. There are ways to do this by car and cart. The human subconscious is a soldier, unconditionally obeying categorical orders. For example, shout to her mentally - Get out! It works.
- Don't waste your nerve cells . They don't recover. Whatever needs to happen will still happen. Whether you want it or not. And if it has already happened, then there is no point in being nervous at all, you need to either act or give up.
- Every day is mandatory and strict devote yourself and your favorite activity at least an hour (or better yet two) of free time. Not caring about the unwashed dishes, the piles of toys in the children's room, which resembles a minefield, and the indignation of family members, friends and everyone else.
- Learn to love yourself. Take the time to soak in a fragrant bath and clean yourself up to almost cover-quality beauty. Brew yourself a cup of coffee and drink it with your favorite cake while reading an interesting book or gossip on the Internet.
- Learn to abstract yourself completely away from everything. At least for five minutes an hour, forget about “global scale” problems and just enjoy life.
- Learn to greet your morning with a smile , because it is known that as you greet the morning, the whole day will pass. But you don’t need much - your favorite music, a delicious breakfast, a smile at your reflection and a psychological mood.
- Learn to control your subconscious. It is you who must give him instructions, and not vice versa. Don't put too much emphasis on anything. Moreover, as Solomon said, everything passes.
- Forget about the illusions of a perfect life . There will always be problems in it. Bad weather, lies and betrayals, spoiled food from the store, etc. Learn to ignore these problems.
- Don't see the world as a place to survive . Life is too short to waste it on depression and struggle. Have fun with it and treat it like a game.
- Accept as a fact that you are busy with something other than your own business, or are going the wrong way when something is given to you at the cost of incredible sacrifices and efforts. Find yourself . Don't be afraid to experiment.
If you liked our article and have any thoughts on this matter, share with us! It is very important for us to know your opinion!
Loading...
