Tongue incontinence harms many people, alienates others and ruins lives. How to learn to be silent? A psychologist gives advice.
Remember how many times you scolded yourself:
“What a fool! Well, why not keep your mouth shut?! My tongue is my enemy?! How to learn to be silent until my life is completely ruined?!” and further in the same spirit.
Surely - countless numbers, especially if you generally like to chat and the tongue is the most trained organ in your body.
It is language incontinence that harms many people, turns others against them and even destroys lives.
Today I will teach you how to avoid this.
How can I learn to be silent, after all?!
People are creatures different from each other.
And, if you need to extract at least some articulate sounds from someone with pincers, others ventilate their mouths with enviable regularity.
“A chatterbox and a gossip!” - that’s how they characterized my cousin many acquaintances.
Moreover, she was not a gossip in the classical sense of the word.
She never discussed people in a negative way, did not say nasty things about them, and did not even condemn them for bad actions.
Lena is generally the kindest creature.
Her whole sin was that she passionately and ardently loved to talk.
She didn’t care what it was about, the main thing was not to remain silent.
It always seemed to us that if Lena had been, for example, an intelligence officer, then she would have endured physical torture, but never the ban on talking.
After 10 minutes of silence, she would have betrayed all her secrets to the enemy.
Her shortcoming was quite annoying, but her family tolerated it, and Lena herself didn’t think it was time for her to think about it. how to learn to be silent until one bad thing happened.
Her fiancé was getting a promotion at work.
In order to receive leadership position, he needed to successfully carry out one advertising campaign.
He created a magnificent project, but, unfortunately, he shared it with Lena.
She, despite the promise “Don’t talk about it!”, unnoticed to herself, shared what she heard with her colleague.
“It is better to remain silent and seem like a fool than to speak up and dispel all doubts.”
Mark Twain
And the colleague was dating a guy who was competing with Lena’s fiancé for the position. I think you understand what happened next? Both the customer and the director liked the project, only it was not Lena’s fiancé who presented it, but his rival, and he was the one who received the promotion.
The upset and angry groom left Lena.
The girl suffered, but decided to fight her shortcoming, which was destroying her life.
Learning to remain silent is a vital necessity
To many chatterboxes, who were not thrown out of the saddle by a sharp turn of fate, as happened with my Lena, it seems that their shortcoming is a mere trifle, with which there is no need to fight at all.
Well, there are people who gesticulate, there are those who snore in their sleep or slurp while eating, but you never know the number of people who feel great with their vices. “Someone is slurping, but we love to talk,” they exclaim, “and we don’t need to tell at all, how to learn to be silent!».
I am convinced that the position “love me as I am” is the lot of the weak, who are simply incapable of change and cover up their deformities with imaginary confidence.
If I still haven’t convinced you that silence is golden, let’s see what you say to the following arguments:
- Sooner or later people start to shy away from those who talk too much.
Think about how long it will take to lose your friends and soulmate. - Chatterboxes are a synonym for the word gossip.
Do you want to live with such a reputation? - If you tell everyone around about your plans, then the possibility of their implementation is reduced by at least 50%.
- Do you know how many people suffer from verbal diarrhea?
Not at all! - The quality of your life directly depends on the quality of your speech.
If you unleash streams of creation on those around you every day, how successful can your existence be?
Do you still think that your talkativeness is not a vice, but a character trait?
Then think about the people who have been hurt by your “specialness”!
How angry Masha was with you when you blabbed about her secret, or how offended brother Sasha was for a long time when you shared information about his secret love with your parents, or what an unpleasant quarrel you had with Natasha because you told your whole company about their problems with Petya.
If you're still not ashamed, then you're a lost person, go talk to someone.
For those who are ready to change, I want to offer some effective recommendations.
Actually, it takes willpower to shut up. Therefore, start by training this most useful quality.Experts also advise:
- Switch energy, which you spend on unnecessary conversations, on something useful: career, social activities, sports, etc.
- , who will tell you more often: “Shut your mouth!”
- Buy a player with headphones, which will not allow you to hear conversations around you, and therefore not to participate in them.
- Start living your life rather than discussing the problems of others.
Spend more time alone.
I hope you're not talking to yourself yet? No?
Then the lack of interlocutors will wean you from chatting all day long.
Use your breath.
Whenever you feel like opening your mouth to spew unnecessary words at your interlocutor, take a few deep breaths. This should be enough time for you to change your mind about talking nonsense.
This may not teach you to keep your mouth shut, but you will be telling people something useful and interesting, and not all sorts of nonsense.
Give your mouth something to do.
No! This advice is not permission to overeat.
Fill your mouth not with food, but with chewing gum, water, tea.
Don't be selfish.
Namely, they are talkers who harass everyone around them with their conversations.
It is likely that during this time you will change your mind about saying something unnecessary or will completely forget what you wanted to say.
A few facts about silence
why is it sometimes important to remain silent, and when is it not worth remaining silent,
watch in the following video:
If you really can't do it learn to be silent, then try to turn your disadvantage into an advantage.
Find a field of activity in which your communication skills will be useful: journalist, advertising agent, salesperson, administrator, etc.
During the day you will talk so much with your clients that you simply won’t have the energy left for empty chatter about anything.
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We try to watch our words when we go for an interview, when communicating at work or in society, we try to avoid uncomfortable topics when we meet with a young man.
But for some reason my husband and I talk about everything. But in vain. We must always watch what we say, especially with our loved ones.
How and why do you need to learn to remain silent in the family, if it is generally accepted that trust and frankness are the key to a happy marriage? Let's look at a few examples from life when a husband doesn't need to know the whole truth.
You don’t have to lie, but simply remain silent or not tell everything. This will save your family and avoid quarrels and insults.
If you don’t yet have a reason to say something nice to your spouse, it’s better to remain silent altogether. Often a thoughtless word to which you do not give any meaning can destroy the most beautiful relationships.
Here is a story from the lady’s lips: “My husband was always inclined to be overweight, and I loved to stroke his belly, saying: “My little baby.” Gradually, the “baby” turned into a “pot-bellied”, and then a “little pig”. And, when, apparently, my husband was tired of my mockery, he answered me: “Look at yourself! Not Barbie either! We didn't talk for a couple of days, digesting the insult. And then we decided to buy an exercise bike.” What can I say: over many years happy life figures happen to change not in better side, and people live together and love each other not for beautiful bodies, but for completely different qualities.
Never brag to your husband about your success with the opposite sex. Someone pestered you with compliments on the street, or a colleague shows interest in you at work, or maybe your husband’s friend is seriously in love with you and seeks reciprocity? After all, it would be unpleasant for you if your loved one told you what a gorgeous figure the secretary has, or what slender legs at the neighbor's? Light flirting at a corporate party may add some spice to everyday work and enliven life, but always keep your mouth shut. Occur pathologically jealous men . Don't ruin your happiness with your thoughtless words. Let the secret remain secret.
Your man should not hear from you that he failed at his job, chose the wrong profession, and is unable to build a decent career. The wife’s task is not to criticize, but to support, to be like-minded, and to give advice only when the man asks for it. There are men who cannot be breadwinners due to character or circumstances. Men experience failures very acutely and often, not finding support from their beloved half, they decide to take desperate actions, committing suicide. Why do you need grief in your family? Believe in him and he will believe in himself!
Do not tease your husband with your successes and income if they are an order of magnitude higher than his. No amount of income, even the highest, can replace either family happiness or the man you love. It's clear to lie to a loved one not good. But, if you can’t remain silent, it’s better to lie a little bit than to cause anger on your own head. A man should not know that there are no panties and bras cheaper than three hundred rubles, and shoes cost not two, but twelve thousand.
How to learn to be silent? Mentally change places with your husband more often, and try to imagine what he will think (or think of). Here's another story. “When my friend and I arrived from the sea, I began excitedly talking about our vacation and impressions. She didn’t keep silent about her friend’s affair with a hot southern macho. The husband listened very carefully, and then asked: “What were you doing while your friend was going on dates? Maybe you also had an equally stormy romance?” It was difficult to convince him that she had never even thought of anything like that. To which the husband replied that there should be no spirit in this friend’s house. I had to end my relationship with my friend; just the sight of her reminded my husband of the trip.
Yes, you know (from movies and books) that women sometimes cheat on their men. But who they are and where these women are – you don’t know! Personally, you have never met anyone like this, and cheating on your husband is worse for you death penalty. Under no circumstances should you discuss your girlfriends’ love affairs with your husband, even if they are unmarried. Your environment can only be impeccable, otherwise their behavior can cast a shadow on your reputation. Do not allow any doubts or suspicions!
Separate and very strict ban to talk about politics. In any society there is a taboo on political topics. Do you really have nothing to talk about with your loved one? Enough strong families, where the husband and wife have completely different Political Views. Watch the news separately, do not discuss, do not argue on these topics. Otherwise, you will not only get divorced, but also kill each other.
Don't provoke a man. Do not threaten divorce in the heat of a quarrel. No matter how much you want to shout: “That's it! Enough! I'm tired of it, I'm going to see my mom!” By scaring your husband with a divorce, you will not tie him tighter to you, but over and over again you will only convince him that running away is the only thing the right decision and getting rid of scandals and problems. “For many years, at every quarrel, I shouted: “If you don’t like it, leave, let’s get a divorce!” And then one day my husband calmly answered: “Come on! You’ve wanted this for so long.” Although he didn’t intend to, the divorce was not long in coming,” said the sad woman who was left without her husband at the age of fifty.
Never say anything negative to a man about his mother. No matter how unpleasant she is to you, even if he himself criticizes her and complains about her, remain silent with all your might.
In a family, a sharp tongue can pay dearly. It's better to learn from other people's mistakes. Very soon you will realize that folk wisdom rights - silence is golden. Learn to be silent.
Understand this as early as possible, when everything can still be corrected.
The gold of silence is not easy for us, and most of the fairer sex have serious problems so as to learn to remain silent at least when it is absolutely necessary.
The advent of telephone communications, then pagers, mobile phones And the function of sending SMS, the centuries-old task of a woman - to master the skills of timely silence - became more and more complicated. However, the degree of its difficulty reached its apogee when WhatsApp entered the world of technology with the confident stride of a winner.
If previously we could have been helped by proven grandfather’s (or, more appropriately, grandmother’s) methods of curbing thoughtless utterance, which will be listed below, now we need to invent new ways to solve the problem.
After all, the word is still not a sparrow, and once it has flown out, it is no longer possible to turn it back. But the comparison with a sparrow is not so generous, because a word spoken in anger or emotion is already a careless bird, a destructive weapon(bullet, arrow or bomb), which seeks to destroy something that has been created over the years. It is almost impossible to neutralize such weapons in action. And it is not always possible to restore the site of the lesion.
So let's talk about ways to learn to remain silent, because silence is gold, we have talked more than once. We hear enough lectures and appeals on this topic. But we still exclaim at once: “Lord, why didn’t I keep silent?” because this tongue is not only without bones, but most often without bits and reins. And if you try to control him, he, unaccustomed to this, resists.
Can you hold your tongue between your teeth?
He is like a dog accustomed to freedom.
How can you keep it, if all your life, for years,
Like a horse without a bridle, does it not know the reins?
I think this is enough for an introduction that should encourage us to search for and practice ways to refrain from unnecessary words. Let's try to move on to life advice, starting with the most ancient ones.
Grandfather's and grandmother's ways
It is very difficult to refrain from unnecessary gaming speeches when you are like an idle pensioner sitting on a bench in a group of friends playing with sunflower seeds.
The beginning of all empty conversations is woven in vain. And this is one of the reasons why our grandfathers loaded their women with work. This wisdom was voiced to me more than once by representatives of the male part of the population from those who still remember the order of these same grandfathers.
I remember, while living in Afghanistan, I asked the Afghans why they did not allow their women into the mosque. I was surprised by the difference between the religiosity of men and women; it seemed to them then that if Afghan women went to mosque, they would definitely learn something good there. They answered me that I was wrong to think so: “Our women, if you let them go to a wedding, will have the same conversations there as they do at home, when they are not busy with work, only with a wider audience.”
I didn’t really believe it then, I didn’t even feel a little offended by the women. However, for years now I have been hearing how in our mosques, where there is a separate women’s hall, the voice of the imam is heard in a pleading or threatening note: “Women, disturb the prayers, be quieter.”
It’s a shame that we don’t need to go to mosque. This means that when we have free time, we spend it in the wrong place, even when we are in the most beautiful place created for solitude with its Lord.
That's why first tip: Down with idleness! The lack of free time eliminates the opportunity for verbiage.
Second tip: If you are around people and you unbearably want to say something, ask yourself the question: “Really smarter, better, cleaner, more righteous than these people so much that my word now would be more important than words others?
We usually do not speak in order to benefit others. Thinking at least for your own benefit, remember the proverb that our ancestors often used: “Be silent and you will come off as smart”: the one who does not throw words to the wind enjoys more respect in society than others.
Third tip. Most likely, you have simply formed the habit of exchanging a stream of words with others. When there is a pause in the conversation, we get used to inserting our “five cents.” If there is silence and your tongue is ready to “catch the wave,” send it to make ten circles with your mouth closed. He will be busy and will not be able to produce words, and your face at this moment will reflect the work of the mind (count the circles). You will look not like a person who has nothing to say, but like a person who is thinking about his speech. During this time, you will be able not only to count the circles, but to think again whether it was worth speaking, whether your speech was beneficial.
Tip four: There is no way to continue here without the hadith: “Let each of you speak good or remain silent.” Remember him in time. In order for it to be better imprinted in your memory, hang it at home in the mirror in which you usually look before leaving home or in front of which you brush your teeth.
Tip five: on emotions and in a conflict situation, before you start saying what you made up, what hurts and has been wanting to say for a long time, first be sure to calm down. But this will not work if you have already started talking. Therefore, before the first words are spoken, simply leave the room. Drink some water: ten slow sips. You can go back. It's very effective. While you drink, remember why silence is golden.
If you fail to hold back your words and they flow in an irrepressible stream, but you still remember that you must remain silent, cover your mouth with your hand. It’s better to look like a fool than to answer later on Judgment Day. If everything is really bad, leave the room under any pretext and take a bath by taking a cold shower or the one you are used to.
Tip seven: It is very effective to carry pebbles or a small shell, as well as unshelled nuts - in general, something that interferes with speaking.
One married woman told me how she tried this method.
She was waiting for her husband to return home, to whom she “had something to say.” Intellectually she understood that her words would lead to another quarrel, but she felt that she could not contain herself. Then she accepted difficult decision remain silent at all costs and remembered the advice I had read somewhere about the pebble at the gate.
She was silent the whole evening. When I met my work husband, I just smiled. Since she needed to use gestures to express her feelings, she hugged him, letting him know that she missed him. She touched me tenderly and smiled mysteriously when she served the food. It’s mysterious because at that moment his gaze was already questioning. He could not understand why she was silent, and it was a relaxed, offended silence, to which he was accustomed and followed by an explosion.
When she also sat down to eat, she took a pebble out of her mouth. The husband laughed, realizing that she had remained silent with all her might. Jon very highly appreciated her work, albeit amusing, for the sake of peace in their family.
Advice eight: Whatever your opponent (especially your husband) says, remember that the Shaitan incites you to answer him, and the test of your tongue, whether you can curb it, was sent to you by the Almighty.
Now you are being watched by the Creator, the angels... the worst enemy of your soul. I cannot imagine a single situation where, having started to read dhikr, a person could not resist unnecessary words.
Use this wonderful way to keep your language and the world around you clean. It also helps to remain in blissful silence and in society.
What to do with your fingers?
Yes, with our fingers, selflessly typing phone number and a message, writing a message in the style of “paper will endure anything”... Here the advice of ancestors is of little help.
What a huge temptation it is when you can say everything without seeing the reaction. Inflict pain without having to watch your opponent bleed. It's like killing by hiring a hitman.
When we write virtual messages that are unpronounceable, we get the false impression that what is happening is unrealistic. It’s as if they said it in make-believe, like in a virtual game, aneural life. Who can sharpen a “weapon” and show off his wit, hitting harder, coming up with the most sophisticated formulation. After all, when you speak, it doesn’t immediately turn out beautifully, but while you’re writing, you can be convinced of the beauty of the constructed phrase before you press “send.”
It is more difficult to influence through simple SMS, since this is still a paid pleasure. Also, SMS messages do not always arrive, and the recipient does not always respond. Therefore, WhatsApp now occupies a leading position in people’s correspondence: write as much as you want; the subscriber, whether they are online or not, picks up the phone or not, will still receive the message. Yes, there is no need to pay for the number of signs - one can say everything that has accumulated over many years. How to deal with this?
The first and only advice. If you can't resist unnecessary texting between your phone and computer, you have a very effective method To cope with this problem: buy a simple flashlight phone and turn off the Internet. Of course, you will lose something, but before you somehow lived without all this. You will gain much more than you lose.
And if for some reason it is impossible to take such radical measures or you figure that things are still not so bad as to resort to them, then, when faced with emotional outbursts, At least leave your phone in another room until you calm down. This is also like leaving a room in the middle of a conflict. When you return, drink some water, read dhikr, and generally, for a while, better limit your space to a prayer mat until your mind takes over your heart and until your soul regains its purity of good behavior and gentleness.
How happy are you who have known Allah?
They managed to completely curb their tongue!
My heart admires the sages -
Those who can observe the measure of time.
These are probably not all the tips and methods, but using at least these can help you maintain the purity of your speech and soul. The main thing is to start consciously working on yourself. Daily self-examination and repentance will help you work tirelessly to curb your own tongue. I'm working too.
Leila Natalya Bahadori (The article uses the nazma of Sheikh Said Afandi al-Chirkawi)
And inspiration. However, is it really such a good thing to win arguments all the time? As a rule, our interlocutors yield to us only because of the verbal pressure we put on them, but they do not change their opinion. Moreover, the stream of words that we emit during an argument does not give your interlocutor the opportunity to speak out, and therefore, you cannot see the problem from a different angle and learn something new for yourself. So our victory turns out to be even worse than defeat. How can this be avoided?
First of all, you must give your opponents the opportunity to fully speak out.
The ability to remain silent in many cultures is considered a virtue. If you are interested in the question of how to learn to be silent, this, as a rule, can only indicate that your inability to remain silent and listen to someone has already played a cruel joke on you.
Despite all the apparent simplicity of silence, calling it an easy matter - big mistake. Even in ancient times, one of the most terrible tortures was considered to be confining a person in complete isolation from other people and depriving him of the ability to talk. After spending several days without the opportunity to talk, the prisoners themselves began to tell all their secrets to the spies planted with them.
Fortunately ordinary people in its Everyday life They practically never encounter such situations and their desire to learn how to learn to remain silent is caused by their reluctance to find themselves in stupid or ambiguous situations.
As you know, the meaning of any conversation between people always comes down to the same thing - the exchange of information. Keeping this in mind, and also knowing that any of your knowledge that is the subject of conversation is a value that has a certain value, remaining silent becomes much easier, even if real professionals are brought in to get you talking.
If during any conversation you suddenly discover that all your interlocutor’s questions are beginning to resemble more and more interrogation or information gathering, stop and think about what goals your opponent is pursuing? Firstly, for what purpose does he want to obtain the information he is interested in? Secondly, what benefit can you get by providing the information he is interested in?
There is nothing wrong with asking your interlocutor directly why this information interested him. This will help you quickly determine the reasons for your conversation, as well as shift attention from your person to your interlocutor. Besides, this technique will allow you to extract the information you need from your interlocutor. Moreover, this will give you an excellent opportunity to change the topic of conversation or avoid it and remain silent.
The ability to remain silent is no less important in relationships between close people. Almost every person has found himself in situations where parents spoke to their children in their hearts, and the children did not answer them in the best way. in a good way. As a result, contact between family members disappears and each party begins to feel sorry only for themselves. However, after some time, family feelings take precedence over grievances between parents and children, and both parties begin to regret and apologize for what was said. And everything seems to be fine, but both sides who went through this conflict experienced stress, which affected their health.
In order to avoid such situations, instead of saying harsh and rude words to each other, it is better to remain silent and not continue the conversation until the passions subside and you can soberly assess the situation. Just try the next time you find yourself in a similar position, telling your interlocutor that you need to think things through and that you would like to return to the conversation later. This works equally well not only when communicating with relatives, but also with colleagues, partners, superiors and subordinates - in any circumstances when you feel that it is better to remain silent so as not to express to your interlocutor those words that will forever put an end to your relationship.
The main answer to the question of how to learn to remain silent is that you can master this art simply by forcing yourself to remain silent at the right moment.
Many people ask how learn to be silent to be a pleasant conversationalist and absorb more knowledge from the conversation. Because those who talk a lot basically know and do little. Therefore, learning to remain silent is useful, because this moment a person develops himself and learns more than someone who talks a lot. But being silent all the time is also not nice and boring, so it’s worth keeping the conversation going.
In this article you will learn how you can learn to be silent what you need to do for this, what methods, tips and recommendations there are. The whole paradox is that the one who is silent strives to learn to communicate, and the one who talks a lot strives to learn to remain silent. But in any case, it is more useful to remain silent than to talk a lot.
Start thinking
Be alone
To learn to be silent , you need to retire and be alone for a while, or do work and be constantly busy with something. Our body quickly gets used to everything, and those who often sit at home, work seven days a week and do not communicate with people, as a rule, remain silent and this becomes his habit. But remember there should also be communication. Therefore, when you need to achieve a goal, go away and be alone to make a plan to achieve the goal and achieve it.
Be smarter
To learn to remain silent, you need to become a little more cunning and understand that silence is a sign that a person is thinking and catching the information he needs from an interlocutor who knows something, but does not know how to keep his mouth shut. Often it is enough to chat with one smart person, to capture the knowledge that you need to search for several years. Therefore, be a cunning person and then silence will be natural for you and you will be able to derive more benefit from it. find out : .
Don't be proud, selfish or overly confident
To learn to be silent, you need to start reacting correctly to criticism and opinions of others. When you are criticized, it is difficult to contain your emotions and not respond in response. Therefore, to learn to remain silent, you need to lower your pride, egoism and self-confidence a little so as not to give your energy to the one who criticizes you.
When aggression comes at you and there is an opportunity to remain silent and leave, do so. As a result, the one who criticized you is left with nothing, since he gave all his energy to you. If you respond back, you will give away his and your energy and remain an unhappy person.
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