- Running away from relationships because I'm scared to feel the pain?
- I can’t realize myself in creativity, because I’m afraid of disgrace and shame?
And another package of fears.
You need to learn to live through those feelings that you once suppressed, closed, covered up, calmed down, ran away, did yoga, relaxing music, went to the temple, or simply decided to forget.
Otherwise, these feelings will "haunt" you all your life. There will always be situations where you will try to release these feelings.
Feelings of pain, fear, hatred, jealousy, anger, despair.
Because they need to be lived and let go, to go further forward, and not to be dragged by a heavy load, constantly running away from them.
They will still sit inside you and will not go anywhere.
You could part with a man 10 years ago and not live through this pain, not let go of resentment, not express aggression - it will sit inside you until the end of your days.
It will just turn into illnesses over time, but it won’t go anywhere if you don’t express it, don’t let it go, don’t live it.
When some feelings are not experienced, other feelings are simply blocked.
Feeling of joy, happiness, pleasure.
You can't fully experience them either.
My sincere advice to you is to live your feelings, let them go and go on your way, be Happy so that your every day is new, and not a continuation of old grievances.
When a woman suppresses feelings, does not allow herself to live them, there may be:
- Panic attacks.
- Insensitivity.
- Sacrifice.
- Excessive aggressiveness.
- Indifference and apathy to life.
- Closeness.
- People avoid the insensitive and callous.
This, as a consequence, leads to the fact that a woman cannot love and get close to a man. It cannot create, because in order to create and get closer, you need to be sensual, open, ready to give. And a woman who suppresses feelings, she is always in search of love from others. She eagerly seeks love in men, people, friends, parents. These people are always in need.
To prevent this from happening, feelings should be lived and let go as they come. Do not hide them until the evening and training. Straightaway. I felt, expressed, let go, went further liberated.
Expressing feelings and living feelings does not mean:
- attack people,
- do shameful things
- or die in the inherent pain.
Expressing feelings is:
- Speak and confess all your feelings as they come: "This line annoys me. I'll go home and ask my husband to buy pies."
- Do not hide from those feelings that are unpleasant: "Honey, I'm scared when you see it like that. Everything inside me shrinks."
- Give yourself the opportunity to be a living person! "Mom, it hurts me when you do not accept my choice, I am already an adult, a free person."
If you express everything as it comes, then there will be no shock and flurry. Everything will be open, sincere, honest and timely. Why you will feel incredible lightness and freedom!
A long-awaited technique for developing sensitivity
Why I love this technique so much:
- She teaches to live emotions and feelings, and not to suppress.
- This technique teaches you to love, sincerely and feel this Love in yourself and generate it.
- The technique teaches you to live through negative events in your life quickly and comfortably!
- After the technique comes a feeling of relief and satisfaction.
- After it, many women stop eating, drinking and returning to painful relationships.
- After this technique, a woman begins to believe more in herself and her intuition.
The technique is insanely short (8 minutes).
It takes 21 days to do the technique.
Psychologists, especially Gestaltists, like to say that experiencing feelings is extremely beneficial. Well, why is it needed, is this accommodation? Why you can’t go down in the TV series, eat a cake or say to yourself “get it together, rag.” Why pick something that already hurts, and it would be better to forget about it altogether?
And here's the thing. Each feeling has a very specific physical reflection in the body - this is how we understand that we generally feel something. Anxiety can be felt with strong contraction in the abdomen, short breathing, fear is a beating heart, trembling. The notorious butterflies in the stomach are a pleasant tone in the lower abdomen, excitement.
We feel, and the brain processes the signals of the body and throws us words and familiar situations to describe the physical sensation that we are experiencing. And he, the brain, helps to evaluate experiences as legitimate or forbidden. Something like this - how our parents and other significant adults dealt with them in our own childhood. What feelings did they have in response to ours? Was it difficult for them to be around or easy? All of this affects our own way of experiencing feelings bodily.
And when we get used to stop and suppress the sensations flowing through our body, we practically lock this energy inside ourselves. We clench our teeth, squeeze a lump in our throat, frown our forehead, hunch our shoulders and do not allow ourselves to breathe, strain our stomach with all our might, stopping anger, disappointment, guilt, joy or sadness. My head hurts, my neck hurts, my stomach hurts, it just becomes physically ill. Well, if you live so long, then the sensitivity to these sensations subsides, and they are felt as the norm, but the body feels bad, it gets sick and wears out from internal struggle. Or if suddenly the body is overtaken by an unexpected relaxation, then it is not at all comfortable in it, and we are looking for a new reason for alarm. The brain also works at the same time - obsessive thoughts, endless mental dialogues and monologues, self-criticism: all this is related to the processes of the body.
Actually, that is why psychotherapy is useful, especially with the use of bodily techniques. Working with a psychologist teaches us what we forgot how to do when we grew up - to let sensations and feelings be, don't try to control or get rid of them. But rather, feel and realize. Thus, self-worth, self-respect is maintained. It is worth mentioning that it is not necessary to continuously concentrate on bodily sensations in order to live feelings - sometimes it is enough to acknowledge that they exist, verbal support in a dialogue with a psychologist and self-support. I was able to try these ways of unfolding experiences as a client and also as a psychologist, and all these different experiences impressed me very much.
It is important to mention the psychological work with trauma here - it has a chance to give the body to complete the movement contained in it and make it freer, because an unexperienced trauma creates a constant background of tension, hypervigilance and hypersensitivity to external influences. But in the case of a traumatic event that is underexperienced, working with experiences is different. Here, and in general, in the case of trauma, we are not talking about surrendering to the feeling entirely, letting it absorb itself - in this case, the traumatist falls into the funnel of trauma. Therefore, it is important to learn to be aware of the boundaries of your own body, resources, be able to use breathing and grounding techniques, and also contain - find a specific place for feelings in the body. Well, to discover bodily resources.
Good exercises for restoring bodily sensitivity can be found in Peter Levin's book Healing from Trauma. The author's program that will restore health to your body”, there are several exercises in the publication “Techniques of Gestalt Therapy for Every Day”.
Pay attention to children - how they freely cry, sob excitedly, laugh, how they jump and run when they are happy, how they reach for hugs, and insistently declare their desires. They follow their body and live their lives to the fullest when there is support from their parents, affection, security. It is worth learning this back - to live through feelings in order to free yourself for new stories, impressions, feelings.
Evgeniya Bulyubash
psychologist, gestalt therapist, Moscow
There's a crack in everything
that's how light comes through.
Leonard Cohen
Information is not knowledge.
The only source of knowledge is experience.
Albert Einstein
Your power over emotions. Adoption.
No matter how difficult the situation...
Are you familiar with this picture: day as day, but something happens here, maybe even quite insignificant, as it may seem from the outside: someone's ambiguous look or word, a minor oversight, stupidity that has flown from the tongue, a memory, an inexplicable fear , - but it hooks you in such a way that everything else seems to be relegated to the background and a storm boils up inside? And it doesn't matter whether we plunge headlong into this storm or try not to notice it - we waste time and energy ... and life, moment by moment, passes by.
Sometimes each of us is trapped in our own emotions and experiences., when we do not see anything around, as if a veil covered the world around us, and as if you can only focus on one thing - what triggered these feelings and an endless series of thoughts. It's distracting and sometimes even destructive. One way or another, often, we succumb to our habit of procrastinating the same thing in our heads, feeling sorry for ourselves and blaming others. And the habit is difficult to change, moreover, it is not clear, if it is possible, then how?
Well, there is a way out, and, as they say, usually it is where the entrance is - you just need to take a closer look at it. Surely you have often heard phrases such as: “Accept yourself and everything will work out” or “If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it.” They seem to be clear and easy to reach. Like.
Let me tell you how for the first time I really lived deeply and realized the meaning of these phrases. From this experience, a recipe for interaction with oneself in difficult, tense moments of life was born. Later, similar I also learned the recipe from other people - psychologists, spiritual teachers, only this one came out of me, as if inner (or collective) wisdom controlled me. And I can explain such a spontaneous birth by the fact that this is a natural way, natural behavior for a person, just from birth we were not reminded of it.
I have many such triggers that launch a stream of itchy thoughts, destructive emotions and, in general, some kind of funnel of unawareness. Most often this is my own mistake, for which I begin to scold myself, and oh, how I scold myself! oh, how skillfully I twist myself! ..
That morning, I was driving along the Moscow Ring Road to undergo a technical inspection of the car, a weekday, I left specially early so as not to get into a traffic jam and then I drive past the desired turn. In the morning, you know, cars are arriving every minute, so when I got to the next exit and turned around, the road was already packed. And then with all my might I fall upon myself with accusations and humiliations, and I don’t even realize what I feel, because there are my thoughts replacing one another without a break. Here my inner attention falls just below the head, and I unexpectedly pronounce: “I'm anxious”, “I feel anxiety”, - I don’t know why it came out in English, maybe in this way it was even easier for the body to disidentify with feelings. I began to repeat these two phrases, then added that “I am annoyed” and after 5 repetitions the feeling (veil of emotions) receded from consciousness and I already felt it only with my body. This veil, these emotions, anger and irritation, accusations and self-flagellation, when I named them and looked at them without evaluation, turned into a lump of physical sensations that spread to the chest and solar plexus. (Can you imagine? I have often noticed since then that it is the solar plexus that reacts the most). Then I no longer scolded myself, but as if from above I was watching this lump, combining experiences, watching how it “sausages” inside me. At first, of course, I didn’t like it, I continued to remotely worry, but at least it didn’t capture me with my head and gradually the feelings began to transform. I kept following the road and watching the lump, allowing myself to feel what was, and it even became a little funny to me, because I already felt like the mistress of the situation. It was a pleasure.
All of the above happened within 10 minutes. When I got the better of myself, I noticed that the cork had also suddenly dissipated, as if signifying my internal changes.
So and here is the recipe :
- Name the emotion, the feeling that you are currently experiencing, several times.
- Look into your body, what responds inside when you call it? Where is that place?
- Hold this place with your attention and continue to experience feelings, allowing them to be, allowing yourself to experience them. Do not evaluate yourself - it is good or bad to be angry.
- For convenience, if you need to, you can imagine what this feeling looks like (like a character in a fairy tale, cartoon, a ball or a triangle, some other object), what color it is, what you feel inside (for example, a red ball, in which lightning flashes), whether it is warm or cold, what other qualities does this image have. You can even talk to him and find out what he wants. And continue to hold this picture and sensations, perhaps it will change, under the clear light of your attention and awareness.
- In order to help yourself a little more to feel yourself more than this experience, leaving part of your attention on this image and bodily sensation, and move the other part of your attention to the feet, legs, ask yourself how you feel them, then to your arms, stomach, back. Thus, you will feel that you have a lot of space in the body that is not used by the “negative”, this is your resource space.
- Say “Yes” or “I give up” to situations and you will notice a change - as soon as your resistance to what is happening weakens, what happens in response will become more harmonious and everything will unfold for your benefit.
If your feelings do not immediately go away - do not be discouraged! Just keep watching. Do not set yourself the task of getting rid of "negative emotions", but on the contrary - pay attention to them. At least you have already done a great job - you have unloaded your mind a little - it has become clearer.
Fear, anger, aggression, irritation, hatred, resentment, guilt, etc. - they are like little forgotten children who scream with their appearance: “Pay attention to me, please, I'm here!”. And if you turn away from them, trying not to notice, then they will not leave you alone. And if you give them your attention, they will begin to sigh with relief, quietly giving you relaxation.
When you do this, you will understand from your own experience - disidentification, as I call it, has nothing to do with avoiding feeling, rather, on the contrary, you allow yourself to fully live it, without judging yourself and not blocking everything in one place - you live with your body. because if you avoid them and don’t allow yourself to experience it, it will continue to tear, as if saying “notice me.”
Living fully your emotions, you do not blame others, but take responsibility for yourself, you cease to be a victim of circumstances, but become the master of your Life.
What are the benefits of this perception and management of emotions?
Thirty minutes of standing in a kilometer traffic jam may seem like torture, but when you disidentified from overwhelming indignation, then your perception and consciousness were freed from the emotions of denial (denial of our own feelings - after all, often we do not want to fully experience what we feel), irritation, impotence, resentment, indignation. Yes, you can continue to experience them, and no less intensely, but the channel of your perception is freed for other feelings and sensations, the veil recedes, your head clears up and your actions are no longer dictated by emotions, but can be reasonable and sincere. You have expanded. Then amazing things happen: you begin to notice many pleasant little things around you that combine into one picture of joy, high spirits, acceptance, in a word, total acceptance.
Even events can change- because when I do not experience resistance to the world, then it opens before me. Circumstances are developing in the most favorable way. Consciousness is no longer absorbed by the emotion of rejection, it becomes pure and you can soberly assess the situation, draw conclusions and respond savvy and promptly.
I described an example of a simple situation, because no matter the situation - simple or complex, feelings can be overwhelming, and no matter the situation - you can manage yourself according to this recipe. Believe me, no matter how difficult the situation is - accept it, let it be, and you will be able to act in the most correct and reasonable way, for your own good and out of love for yourself.
This is trust – in the world, in God, in oneself.
Sincerely express your emotions and do not evaluate them, but live instantly – and they leave.
part 3
THE ABILITY TO LIVE AND RELEASE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS
Most often objectionable emotions are forced out, suppressed, ignored. And this has a very negative impact on the general background of a person’s life and on his health.
What does it mean to experience emotions? It means not brushing them off or hiding them from yourself, but facing the feeling and letting it be. This does not mean that if you are experiencing anger, then you need to allow yourself to express it in a destructive form. This is not always appropriate. This means that you can allow yourself to feel anger, to be aware of exactly what you are feeling, to be aware of what you are angry about, to be aware of what you want to do now, to allow the anger to open up in you. But at the same time, you can choose how to express your anger. This is called the management of emotions and feelings.
How to understand that you have experienced an emotion, for example, anger? You will feel several stages of experiencing anger. Emergence, unfolding of emotion (strengthening), emotional peak, attenuation of emotion, sedation. For example, anger can be lived in this way, without doing any action at all, without saying a word, without making a sound. Just watching what's going on inside of you. It is experienced as a manifestation of energy. This is called the conscious experience of emotions.
What does letting go mean? This means that once you become aware of an emotion—in this case, anger—you no longer support it with your attention. You have lived it, allowed it to manifest as energies, and you are no longer interested in it. Your attention is already occupied by another state and thoughts.
Realize that only with your attention you support certain feelings in yourself. Only your attention gives food to new experiences and emotions.
letting go is when you have become aware of the work of emotion and you no longer need to live anger again and again to realize your lesson. Yes, emotions do a certain job for us - they indicate where you need to pay attention in yourself in order to complete this or that lesson in this life.
Firstly in order to live and let go of emotions, you need to learn how to control your breathing. Breathe consciously.
Secondly learn to relax both physically and emotionally.
Thirdly, realize that you are not your feelings. You are much more than that, and you can control your senses in the same way that you control your arm or leg. It means finding the inner observer, your center from where you can watch your feelings unfold.
I have more about this and how to live emotions in an eco-friendly way in my marathon
This ability is the most wonderful of all.
We are constantly in tension, in a state of struggle, achievements. Especially when it comes to acceptance. If there is no acceptance, then naturally there is resistance, struggle, race. This is a huge tension. The impact of this stress is very wide: fatigue, emotional burnout, nervous diseases, heart disease, in general, any sores, problems in relationships, at work, failures in life ... The list goes on.
The way out is to relax. In fact, acceptance is relaxation in what is. This is an internal total agreement with what is happening now, with what you have inside, what surrounds you ...
If you can say yes - honest, congruent, total yes to everything - then you are relaxed. A relaxed person is a flexible person. Flexibility is not only physical, but, most importantly, emotional and psychological.
This does not mean that you need to lie down and do nothing. This means that you can do everything from the state of consent.
How to learn to relax?
- Learn to say yes to everything. Even if you feel like saying NO, give yourself permission to say YES to your desire to say NO.
- Use your breath to relax.
- Use any healthy methods and ways to relieve stress: yoga, dancing, sports, meditation, sauna... Alcohol and cigarettes are the most inefficient way to relax. It acts quickly, but then it becomes more and more difficult for you to relax without these dopings. Therefore, it is better to relax using healthy effective methods that are built into you at the level of automaticity.
I already wrote about this a little higher, but I will repeat it again, because the topic is important.
The inner observer is the you that exists always and under any circumstances. This is the you that is beyond thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is such a point of your perception, in which it is always calm, joyful and happy. This is the place where you can control your attention. In essence, this is attention.
Everyone wants peace, balance, confidence, inner strength, happiness ... But not everyone understands that all this is already there at this very point of your perception.
If consciousness is compared to the ocean, then your feelings and emotions, your thoughts are water on the surface of the ocean and waves. Water that is constantly moving. Calm or storm. But there is always movement. To be in the position of an observer is to be at the bottom of the ocean. It's always calm there. There are no storms. Find that place in yourself and stay in it.
Tons of methods. All spiritual teachings teach this. Meditation, yoga. The simplest is breathing.
When experiencing any emotion, dive into the observer. This is the safest place for you. And most importantly - from there you can see whether it is worth worrying so much. From there, everything is much simpler and clearer.
Tatyana Kiseleva
Very often, at the reception of a psychologist-psychotherapist, 2 key questions arise:
- How to get rid of some unpleasant emotions (more often from - fear, anger, guilt, grief, despondency, loneliness, shame);
- How to add positive emotions to your life (more often - joy, peace, interest and love).
So. You can implement such a request yourself. This, of course, is not about panic attacks, somatized neurosis, depression or phobias. But domestic stress and emotional overheating. One side. And the need for an influx of positive from the other moan. It is quite possible to implement. What is required for this.
You need a simple and fairly understandable algorithm for pulling out your emotions. After all, you can talk about your condition for an hour and still not achieve that it becomes easier. What is it connected with? First of all, with the fact that emotions are not a product of our thoughts. They are illogical and unconscious. Even when we say "I feel such and such an emotion", we are not talking about what we think of the emotion. We talk about the fact that it is somewhere inside us. It affects us, but is not subject to mental control. But emotion is much more related to:
– Causal chains that describe the current situation;
– Our assessment of the current state of affairs;
- bodily sensations;
- A stream of internal images.
The first level of interconnection is determined by the motivational function of emotions. The second is their evaluative function. The third is that emotion is realized, manifested through the body. The fourth level is associated with a significant amount of information contained in one emotion. Therefore, it is difficult to express it in a word or some definition.
That is why at the moment when you need to weaken or strengthen certain emotions, you should try to follow the following algorithm.
Living emotions:
1. Name the situation;
2. Name the emotion;
3. Strengthen the emotion with the body;
4. Strengthen the emotion with images.
For example. Due to some circumstances, you failed to express your anger at colleagues or superiors. You come home and wrap the following text:
I got left overtime today (situation). I was very angry (emotion). If it were my will, I would now pick up a frying pan (shown by the body + picture) and heartily cracked between the eyes of the head of the department ... Yes, so that sparks would fall from her eyes (picture).
Or. You are 21 years old. You live separately from your parents. spent a very boring and monotonous weekend. No one called or wrote to you. You dial mom's skype and implement the following message:
For the whole day, no one contacted me at all (situation). I'm terribly lonely (emotion). I want someone to hug me (illustrate this with a hugging gesture). Or I'll wither here like a flower in an endless icy desert (picture).
Or. Your child came up with a fairy tale. And in the faces told it to you. And now you're talking about this girlfriend:
Today my daughter herself told a fairy tale invented by herself (situation). I now feel joy and pride (emotion). I still want to clap my hands (illustrated with a light clap) and smile stupidly (picture) from the realization of what a miracle is growing in me.
Yes, it's worth clarifying. The described algorithm does not negate the fact that you can be wrong in the current situation. It is wrong to evaluate it. Behave disproportionately. Being "emotionally blind" about yourself. This algorithm only reduces the degree of emotional stress. Or gives you the opportunity to nurture an important internal resource.
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