And parents don’t know how to help their grown-up child. It is clear that as many people there are as many situations with studying at a university. Another typical case from the “son dropped out of college” series is analyzed by psychologist Ekaterina Murashova.
- Please, will you accept me? My child is already big, and you have a children's clinic, I understand, but I really need it, please. We visited you once, many years ago, twice, but you don’t remember, of course. Please...
“There must be some very serious problem,” I thought. Maybe there is something that is difficult and embarrassing to talk about. I chose a psychologist whom I had already seen before; it was subjectively easier. As long as it’s not drugs - I don’t know how to work with that at all, I’ll have to send him home right away.
Meanwhile, the woman sat down in a chair and somehow very deftly took a pack of disposable handkerchiefs out of her purse and placed it on her lap. “Either she’s whiny by nature and has known about it for a long time, or I’m not the first psychologist she turns to.” Thinking this way, I decided to wait until she spoke.
“You know, I have such a huge problem - my son dropped out of college,” said the woman.
“Yeah,” I said. I haven’t seen this as a particular (let alone huge) problem yet. Well, I quit and quit, it happens. Maybe he just didn't like him. Or he couldn't cope with the program. Unpleasant, of course, but not the end of the world. The woman was silent.
— Are we talking about further career guidance? — I asked. — The guy is sitting in the corridor?
- No, I came alone.
— Was the institute of your son’s choice?
- No, you can’t say that. He simply agreed. By the end of school, in general, he was not interested in anything other than the computer.
- Well, tell me more.
Three generations of techies in the family
The whole story as presented (the woman’s name was Maria, the son’s name was Alexei) looked quite trivial. Everyone in the family, up to the third generation in depth, has a higher technical education. Grandfather still teaches at the Electrotechnical Institute. Naturally, it was assumed that after school Alexey would also go to study “something like that.”
Moreover, the boy became passionately interested in the computer immediately after it appeared in the house, at school he excelled in computer science classes and at one time even wrote some simple programs.
However, by the end of school, all passion for programming had disappeared, all that was left on the computer were games and aimless hanging out on social networks, and to the energetic nudges of relatives: well, the time for “ch” is approaching, LIAPP, or Polytechnic, or what? - followed sluggishly: I don’t know...
The family took the initiative. in physics (mathematics was already going well), preparatory courses at the institute - everything was energetic, under control, running and running. It cannot be said that Alexey somehow resisted what was happening. On the contrary, it seemed that he even breathed a sigh of relief: there was no need to decide anything, everything was decided as if by itself, that’s great, bang-bump-bang.
When I became a student, I was clearly happy and proud of my newly acquired status. He went to the institute clearly “on the upswing”, he eagerly talked about new acquaintances, about subjects, about teachers. All this ended after about six months: studying is difficult and uninteresting, and no one studies there, why do all this at all...
I passed the first session with only one problem. The family presented a united front - it doesn’t happen that everything is interesting and on a plate, you have to overcome yourself, you will get involved further, it will be better and easier. To their surprise, Alexey almost immediately stopped rebelling, gave up his “tail” and seemed to resign himself. They lived peacefully and calmly for more than a year.
Only towards the end of the second year did the ugly truth become clear: the guy had not attended classes for six months, and there was no way to repay the accumulated debts. The only way out is to pick up the documents. “I didn’t understand anything about some subjects there from the very beginning,” said Alexey.
- Okay, you failed the program, you couldn’t study in this really difficult department. But why were you silent?! - the relatives cried out. “You could have transferred a long time ago to somewhere simpler...
“That’s it, that’s what I thought: what’s the point of telling you?” - Alexey retorted strangely.
How will I tell you at work?
“I have two questions,” I said. - What exactly is he doing now? And second: all this time (at least six months) he pretended to visit the institute. Where did he go?
“Now he’s not doing anything, that is, he’s sitting and playing on the computer. Grandfather is trying to find an opportunity to transfer to another institute...
- Alexey agrees again?
- He says that he would rather join the army, but you understand that a normal mother...
— Alexey is physically weak, doesn’t get along well with people?
- What do you! He was almost two meters tall, went to swing, and he always had a lot of boyfriends and girlfriends!
- What did he do instead of the institute?
- We don’t really know. He said something about walking on rooftops, through sewers, and some other similar stupidity...
- What did you come to me with last time, many years ago?
Maria carefully took out the first handkerchief:
- Can I tell you what I came with now?
- Well, of course! — I was slightly surprised.
“My only son is lost in this life. He feels bad and I can see it. But I have virtually no sympathy for him. I'm angry that he put me and all my family in such an awkward position. The only thing I think about all the time and what I have been feeling for two months now is shame and social awkwardness.
How can I tell people at work that my son was kicked out of college? Soon we will have a class meeting (I am one of the organizers), everyone will talk about their children, their successes, but what will I say? How can a grandfather, with his impeccable reputation, be embarrassed to ask for such a dunce? How did he let us all down?..
I admit, I didn’t want to come to you; I have unpleasant memories from past visits. I went to other psychologists. One of them advised me to leave my son alone, take care of myself and let him solve his problems on his own. Another said that Alyosha is still immature, now this is common among young people, and we are doing everything right, and he will thank us later.
But I... I suddenly caught all these feelings of mine and realized that I was not going to them for help to Alyosha, but only so that they would calm me down and tell me that there is nothing so socially terrible if you have my son was kicked out of the institute... And then I realized that I was a disgusting mother...
And he wanted to be a rescuer
“Maria, I underestimated you,” I said honestly.
“We were with you when Alyosha, at the age of fourteen, began to climb some abandoned buildings. There was an adult group there, and it was really, really dangerous. It seemed to me then that you didn’t understand me at all. You told Alyosha about initiations and how in the courtyard of your childhood everyone walked on some kind of plank between buildings at a height of five floors.
And they told me that a child in a family cannot be socially functional - in any case, he will try to break out of the boundaries, not now, then later. They suggested that I should not prohibit him, but somehow “join” him, walk along his path, give him adult feedback about what he was looking for there.
It seemed like some kind of nonsense to me at the time. What does it mean to join him? Climb with him into abandoned construction sites? Do you agree that walking on beams at a height of ten meters is healthy and correct? My older friend advised me to buy him a powerful computer. I did so. Construction took place within two months.
- And the second time? You said that you visited me twice.
— The second time was Alexey himself, when we pestered him in the tenth grade about choosing an institute. I don’t know what you talked to him about. Then I came in for five minutes, and you told me: a well-oriented guy, it’s very difficult to get into the Ministry of Internal Affairs school without cronyism, the Ministry of Emergency Situations school looks more promising and more humanitarian, but in any case you have to try, and he will need your help. Then at home we laughed for a long time with the whole family...
— Did he ever tell you that he wants to be an EMERCOM nickname?
— I think he said it back in school. But we didn’t take it seriously: is this a profession? Moreover, he did not take any practical steps in this direction...
- Yes? What about initiation into an adult group of semi-vagrants at fourteen? What about gym classes? What about diggers and roofers, when did you drop out of college? This has always been in him, and since high school he has been looking for a way to bring it all to a socially acceptable level. Whether he will find it now - God knows...
-Can I help him? - Maria crumpled the second used handkerchief in her fist and looked determined.
- Well, of course you can! — I shrugged. - Who, if not you?
- Well, first, stop the family campaign to push Lesha back to college and just tell him everything that you just told me.
- Like repentance?
- Like an explanation of what happened and is happening to you. In response, you will most likely also hear something honest. Honest, even one-time communication can always be a good start.
Maria came two days later.
— He said that for now he wants to join the army, where everything is according to the schedule. Is it because of cowardice that you don’t decide? Also social functionality?
- He's your son.
- So, should I let him go?
- Think.
- Yes, sure. I can easily join this. I just wanted to push him into at least some institute for my peace of mind.
- Great, join us.
“He said that in the seventh grade he dreamed about how he, now an adult, was saving people either in a fire or in an earthquake. According to him, we told him then (when he told us his dream) with aplomb: “You first correct the D in mathematics, rescuer. Your job now is to study.” And to join was to give him The Catcher in the Rye, right?
— I don’t know, for some reason I don’t like this book myself.
“I like it, but I read it as an adult.”
For those who like good endings: tall and physically well-prepared, Alexey successfully served in the Airborne Forces and, on assignment from the army, entered the EMERCOM school. Maria met me on the street and told me about it.
But good endings in such cases do not always happen; alas, I have repeatedly seen something else... The longer a child, teenager, young man remains “in the field” of those who decide for him, the more difficult it is for him to get out from under all this and discover, and then defend himself.
Comment on the article "My son dropped out of college. What should parents and the student do?"
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My daughter took an academic degree
My eldest daughter (out of 3), 18.5 years old, smart, beautiful, a good, understanding person. She has lived alone since she was 18; she wanted to. Everything would be fine, but 5 days ago I reported to ICQ that I took an academic course because I had a lot of debts and it was impossible to pay them off (being in my 3rd year out of 4!). Maybe, on the scale of the world revolution, this is a worthless trifle, but it seemed to me that I could see how her life was falling apart - now an academician, then married (there is such an option), then pregnancy, baby. He will remain ignorant.
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I believe that having an education is almost the same as having a normal job (including as a massage therapist, after all, you need a “paper”).
Opinions
Help financially while studying
I’ll just tell you how my daughters, 21 and 16 years old, live; the eldest studies at the institute, lives separately, receives money from us: once a month a certain amount and not a penny more. She studies on her own, found a part-time job herself, solves her personal life and problems that arise on her own. The youngest is also quite free, while she was working part-time, she collected her tails, now she’s getting better, she’s sitting without a scholarship, we (the parents) give us the money. And again, there is no control over studies. But my girls know that as long as they study, I will support them financially, if they drop out of school/finish, they move on to adulthood.
Change your internal attitude towards the situation
Shouldn’t a parent, as a loved one, help you understand and figure it out if you can’t do it yourself?
Undoubtedly. But it is indisputable only for one case - when the child himself comes and asks for help in figuring it out. For you, as I see, the situation is different - your daughter has already figured it out on her own, made her own decision (whether it was bad or good is not the point now, it has already been accepted and put into practice, you can’t rewind time, you can’t live it again).
And all you can do now is to survive the situation of the destruction of your expectations. Process it within yourself. Accept the fact that - yes, this is how things are now and this makes you sad, offended, perhaps hurt... and try, even while in such strong emotions, to maintain contact with your daughter.
As for the means of increasing motivation to study. I think - no way. A high school student is the age when you either already have motivation to study or you don’t. If it exists, there is no need to increase it. If it is not there, then there is nothing to increase.
It's never too late to learn
My husband is 35 years old. And he has been studying at the university for two years. In fact, he has been studying all his life, but this is the first time he went to university to get a degree. Before that, there were all kinds of courses, colleges (including medical school in Moscow), which he successfully completed. Previously, this was enough for him, but now HIMSELF felt the need for a university education, and HIMSELF decided where to go. Do you think it's too late?
His boss is almost 50 years old. She only started studying at university a year ago. She has a wonderful family: a husband and three daughters. As you can see, anything is possible. And be successful and happy at your own discretion, and not according to your parents’ plan: school - army - university - the right job - marriage - children (some may have other options).
Note: If there is a need, the child will learn what he needs on his own. This is true if the young man is active and responsible. Such a person will make his own way in life. If a young man drops out of school due to lack of will (see Lack of will (youth)) and stupidity, then this is a reason for the parent to intervene.
Does everyone need higher education?
I have a close friend. She and her husband have a schoolgirl daughter and a son who is just over 17 years old. Both parents received higher education in Russia. Moreover, this friend of mine herself has a first education in philology, and a second in law. Already under 40 years old. She studied all her life. Naturally, like all of us, I dreamed that my children would receive a higher education and become successful. BUT!! Her son became interested in billiards. So much so that he is currently a member of the country’s youth team. He wanders around “abroad”, takes prizes.... This is all now, but three years ago, when the boy was struggling with school, running away to training, there were terrible scandals at home. The parents went crazy, and so did the son. And all this continued until the boy said to his mother: “I understand that everyone in our family has a higher education: you and dad, and all the other relatives. But this is not interesting to ME. I love billiards. And don’t tell me me that I must study in order to earn a decent living in the future. I can earn money without university, but I will go for knowledge when I feel the need for it. I know that this is difficult for you to understand. But look - you studied all the way your life in pursuit of a career and degrees, and did it bring you happiness? Even if you don’t help me, I will still play billiards, but it will be very difficult for me..."
Does everyone need higher education - 2?
My mother believed that I would not become a person not only without a higher education, but also without a Ph.D. Wow! Being pregnant, after graduating from university, she entered graduate school. I even wrote a dissertation. Although I clearly understood that I was doing this for my mother more than for myself. And for myself, I worked from the third year in another specialty, close, however, to mine - I studied at the philology department and worked as a journalist. In the editorial offices, no one ever wanted to look at my diploma. I was only interested in the ability to write and obtain information. I recently went for an interview at a very decent office. And in my resume, they were most pleased with the place of my last job as a correspondent - I worked in the regional office of one of the most influential newspapers in our country. But the fact that I graduated from graduate school didn’t bother them at all.
I gave up on defending my dissertation because it won’t be of any use to me in my work, and I don’t have any extra money to shell out for defense. But my classmate recently defended herself. Now she can’t get a job because the man is 26 years old and has no experience. I didn’t work anywhere, I was engaged in education. They don't even hire me as a secretary. And with the “papers” everything is ok, meanwhile.
My son dropped out of college! This happened. A lot of work and mental strength was put into first getting him to enroll, then keeping him at the institute. And his strength and ours, parents. But! As a child, he studied ballroom dancing. At the age of 13 he started playing football. He left, overcoming my resistance, showing character. But, realizing that in football, in addition to successful passes and beautiful goals, there is a lot of plowing and sweat, I slowly merged. That's all. There were no further surges of interest in anything. Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? Where do you want to work? He did not know. I fervently convinced: Just want something, I will support you! He did not want. Anxiety grew. What does it have to do with just me? My son was happier in 11th grade than ever before! He himself spoke about this. He is talented in communication. But how can this be transformed into a profession? And which one? I was racking my brains. He was enjoying life (Thank God!) I often stop clients from being too fussy. But in this case, when it was not about me personally, but about my son, I could not stop. It was necessary to fulfill a social program - to enroll the child in a university! Then follow in your father's footsteps! Then, when you know what you want, you will relearn and change everything in your own way! For a whole year he went to tutors - Russian, mathematics, history, society. He passed four Unified State Exams, instead of three (My concern!) He got in! To a military school. Like Dad. My freedom-loving son, accustomed to the ease of existence, whom I did not force or teach to anything, found himself in conditions of strict discipline, work and drill. He had to make the bed, hem collars, clean toilets, paint floors, and wash dishes. Plus orders, duties, rules. Of course, there’s also studying. In general, it was difficult for him. For nine months he could not get used to it. And I couldn’t get used to the heartbreaking SMS messages. He's in another city. Thousands of kilometers away from me. And I don’t know if I did the right thing by convincing him to study at the university that my husband and I chose. He wrote a report. Last week he was expelled. He knows that there is an army ahead. They won't let him go home right away. He knows that the Unified State Exam results next year will not be valid. It looks like he's ready for something that won't be easy. But he's happy again! I hear it when I talk to him. I read this in his text messages. I asked: Was there any benefit for you that you were there? Or is it all in vain? He replied: Of course, mom. I'm toughened up! And I again found myself at the point when I told him: If you want it, I will support you! The only difference is that now I understand what I didn’t understand before. It’s easy to support when a person has decided, wanted, and set a goal. It is difficult to maintain uncertainty and remain in the dark about what will happen, when and how. It’s difficult to stop yourself from getting ahead of yourself, from laying out straws, from offering your other options. It's hard to let him make his own decisions and live his life. And be there. But I'm trying. After all, everything is fine with him!
This topic arises more and more often in conferences at 7e: a student likes to study, but is unable to pass the exams, or the institute is disappointing, and parents do not know how to help their grown-up child. It is clear that as many people there are as many situations with studying at a university. Another typical case from the “son dropped out of college” series is analyzed by psychologist Ekaterina Murashova.
- Please, will you accept me? My child is already big, and you have a children's clinic, I understand, but I really need it, please. We visited you once, many years ago, twice, but you don’t remember, of course. Please…
“There must be some very serious problem,” I thought. Maybe there is something that is difficult and embarrassing to talk about. I chose a psychologist whom I had already seen before; it was subjectively easier. As long as it’s not drugs - I don’t know how to work with that at all, I’ll have to send him home right away.
Meanwhile, the woman sat down in a chair and somehow very deftly took a pack of disposable handkerchiefs out of her purse and placed it on her lap. “Either she’s whiny by nature and has known about it for a long time, or I’m not the first psychologist she turns to.” Thinking this way, I decided to wait until she spoke.
“You know, I have such a huge problem - my son dropped out of college,” said the woman.
“Yeah,” I said. I haven’t seen this as a particular (let alone huge) problem yet. Well, I quit and quit, it happens. Maybe he just didn't like him. Or he couldn't cope with the program. Unpleasant, of course, but not the end of the world. The woman was silent.
— Are we talking about further career guidance? — I asked. — The guy is sitting in the corridor?
- No, I came alone.
— Was the institute of your son’s choice?
- No, you can’t say that. He simply agreed. By the end of school, in general, he was not interested in anything other than the computer.
- Well, tell me more.
Three generations of techies in the family
The whole story as presented (the woman’s name was Maria, the son’s name was Alexei) looked quite trivial. Everyone in the family, up to the third generation in depth, has a higher technical education. Grandfather still teaches at the Electrotechnical Institute. Naturally, it was assumed that after school Alexey would also go to study “something like that.”
Moreover, the boy became passionately interested in the computer immediately after it appeared in the house, at school he excelled in computer science classes and at one time even wrote some simple programs.
However, by the end of school, all passion for programming had disappeared, all that was left on the computer were games and aimless hanging out on social networks, and to the energetic nudges of relatives: well, the time for “ch” is approaching, LIAPP, or Polytechnic, or what? - followed sluggishly: I don’t know...
The family took the initiative. A tutor in physics (mathematics was already going well), preparatory courses at the institute - everything was energetic, under control, running and running. It cannot be said that Alexey somehow resisted what was happening. On the contrary, it seemed that he even breathed a sigh of relief: there was no need to decide anything, everything was decided as if by itself, that’s great, bang-bump-bang.
When I became a student, I was clearly happy and proud of my newly acquired status. He went to the institute clearly “on the upswing”, he eagerly talked about new acquaintances, about subjects, about teachers. All this ended after about six months: studying is difficult and uninteresting, and no one studies there, why do all this at all...
I passed the first session with only one problem. The family presented a united front - it doesn’t happen that everything is interesting and on a plate, you have to overcome yourself, you will get involved further, it will be better and easier. To their surprise, Alexey almost immediately stopped rebelling, gave up his “tail” and seemed to resign himself. They lived peacefully and calmly for more than a year.
Only towards the end of the second year did the ugly truth become clear: the guy had not attended classes for six months, and there was no way to repay the accumulated debts. The only way out is to pick up the documents. “I didn’t understand anything about some subjects there from the very beginning,” said Alexey.
- Okay, you failed the program, you couldn’t study in this really difficult department. But why were you silent?! - the relatives cried out. “You could have transferred a long time ago to somewhere simpler...
“That’s it, that’s what I thought: what’s the point of telling you?” - Alexey retorted strangely.
How will I tell you at work?
“I have two questions,” I said. - What exactly is he doing now? And second: all this time (at least six months) he pretended to visit the institute. Where did he go?
“Now he’s not doing anything, that is, he’s sitting and playing on the computer. Grandfather is trying to find an opportunity to transfer to another institute...
- Alexey agrees again?
- He says that he would rather join the army, but you understand that a normal mother...
— Alexey is physically weak, doesn’t get along well with people?
- What do you! He was almost two meters tall, went to swing, and he always had a lot of boyfriends and girlfriends!
- What did he do instead of the institute?
- We don’t really know. He said something about walking on rooftops, through sewers and some other similar stupidity...
- What did you come to me with last time, many years ago?
Maria carefully took out the first handkerchief:
- Can I tell you what I came with now?
- Well, of course! — I was slightly surprised.
“My only son is lost in this life. He feels bad and I can see it. But I have virtually no sympathy for him. I'm angry that he put me and all my family in such an awkward position. The only thing I think about all the time and what I have been feeling for two months now is shame and social awkwardness.
How can I tell people at work that my son was kicked out of college? Soon we will have a class meeting (I am one of the organizers), everyone will talk about their children, their successes, but what will I say? How can a grandfather, with his impeccable reputation, be embarrassed to ask for such a dunce? How did he let us all down?..
I admit, I didn’t want to come to you; I have unpleasant memories from past visits. I went to other psychologists. One of them advised me to leave my son alone, take care of myself and let him solve his problems on his own. Another said that Alyosha is still immature, now this is common among young people, and we are doing everything right, and he will thank us later.
But I... I suddenly caught all these feelings of mine and realized that I was not going to them for help to Alyosha, but only so that they would calm me down and tell me that there is nothing so socially terrible if you have a son from the institute was kicked out... And then I realized that I was a disgusting mother...
And he wanted to be a rescuer
“Maria, I underestimated you,” I said honestly.
“We were with you when Alyosha, at the age of fourteen, began to climb some abandoned buildings. There was an adult group there, and it was really, really dangerous. It seemed to me then that you didn’t understand me at all. You told Alyosha about initiations and how in the courtyard of your childhood everyone walked on some kind of plank between buildings at a height of five floors.
And they told me that a child in a family cannot be socially functional - in any case, he will try to break out of the boundaries, not now, then later. They suggested that I should not prohibit him, but somehow “join” him, walk along his path, give him adult feedback about what he was looking for there.
It seemed like some kind of nonsense to me at the time. What does it mean to join him? Climb with him into abandoned construction sites? Do you agree that walking on beams at a height of ten meters is healthy and correct? My older friend advised me to buy him a powerful computer. I did so. Construction took place within two months.
- And the second time? You said that you visited me twice.
— The second time was Alexey himself, when we pestered him in the tenth grade about choosing an institute. I don’t know what you talked to him about. Then I came in for five minutes, and you told me: a well-oriented guy, it’s very difficult to get into the Ministry of Internal Affairs school without cronyism, the Ministry of Emergency Situations school looks more promising and more humanitarian, but in any case you have to try, and he will need your help. Then at home the whole family laughed for a long time...
— Did he ever tell you that he wants to be an EMERCOM nickname?
— I think he said it back in school. But we didn’t take it seriously: is this a profession? Moreover, he did not take any practical steps in this direction...
- Yes? What about initiation into an adult group of semi-vagrants at fourteen? What about gym classes? What about diggers and roofers, when did you drop out of college? This has always been in him, and since high school he has been looking for a way to bring it all to a socially acceptable level. Whether he will find it now - God knows...
-Can I help him? - Maria crumpled the second used handkerchief in her fist and looked determined.
- Well, of course you can! — I shrugged. - Who, if not you?
- Well, first, stop the family campaign to push Lesha back to college and just tell him everything that you just told me.
- Like repentance?
- Like an explanation of what happened and is happening to you. In response, you will most likely also hear something honest. Honest, even one-time communication can always be a good start.
Maria came two days later.
— He said that for now he wants to join the army, where everything is according to the schedule. Is it because of cowardice that you don’t decide? Also social functionality?
- He's your son.
- So, should I let him go?
- Think.
- Yes, sure. I can easily join this. I just wanted to push him into at least some institute for my peace of mind.
- Great, join us.
“He said that in the seventh grade he dreamed about how he, now an adult, was saving people either in a fire or in an earthquake. According to him, we told him then (when he told us his dream) with aplomb: “You first correct the D in mathematics, rescuer. Your job now is to study.” And to join was to give him The Catcher in the Rye, right?
— I don’t know, for some reason I don’t like this book myself.
“I like it, but I read it as an adult.”
For those who like good endings: tall and physically well-prepared, Alexey successfully served in the Airborne Forces and, on assignment from the army, entered the EMERCOM school. Maria met me on the street and told me about it.
But good endings in such cases do not always happen; alas, I have repeatedly seen something else... The longer a child, teenager, young man remains “in the field” of those who decide for him, the more difficult it is for him to get out from under all this and discover, and then defend himself.
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