Let's talk about ways of effective communication to resolve communication problems.
As often happens in life, we either simply don’t hear what another person is telling us, or we get annoyed by a seemingly fair remark, and don’t want to fulfill any requests. And it doesn’t matter who communicates with whom: parents with children, spouses with each other, business partners, just acquaintances or friends.
And this happens because sometimes we do not know the laws and rules of communication.
There are two forms of addressing another person: “You-message” and “I-message”.
The “You message” disrupts communication because it causes a person to feel resentment and bitterness, creating the impression that the other is always right. The words used in the “You message” are: you, you, you.
I will give examples of “You-messages”: “You never take out the trash can” (the person feels accused), “Turn off this music immediately!” (“attack”, prohibition), “When will you finally clean your room?” (accusation), “How are you talking to me?” (judgment, threat), “When will you learn to clean up after yourself?” (accusation), “Well, what do you look like?” (condemnation), etc.
Familiar phrases? How often do we say them and wonder why they remain, at best, unanswered (after all, we speak the truth and want only good things!), and sometimes cause a flurry of indignation, objections, protest, resentment and other negative feelings, instead of fulfill our request.
But every “You-message”, in essence, contains an attack, criticism or simply an accusation of a person, and, naturally, causes a corresponding reaction from a person: from offense and self-defense, to retaliatory attacks and insolence.
“I-message” is a more effective way of communication and maintains favorable relationships between people. The “I message” uses the words: I, at me, to me.
Let's try to convert the above “You-messages” into “I-messages”: “I’m very tired, please take out the trash can”, “I have a headache, please turn off the music”, “I get very angry when Things are scattered around the house. Be kind, clean up after yourself”, “I feel very unpleasant and offended when they talk to me like that”, “I am bewildered by this appearance.”
At first glance, the difference between “I” and “You” messages is small. Moreover, the latter are more familiar and “more convenient”. However, “I-messages” have a number of advantages compared to “You-messages”.
Firstly, it allows you to express your negative feelings rather than suppress them.
Secondly– we, as it were, take off the mask of “educator” and become ourselves, getting closer to each other.
Third– when we are sincere and open in expressing our feelings, our interlocutor also begins to trust us.
And finally, by expressing our feelings without orders, condemnation or “assault”, we give the interlocutor the right to make a decision himself.
In addition, the "I message" is a more effective way of influencing a person to change his behavior, which we do not accept, and at the same time maintains favorable relationships between people.
Let's look at this with an example from a parent who is tired and doesn't feel like playing with his child:
- A tired parent sends a “You-message” to the child: “You tired me,” and the child perceives the information as “I’m bad.”
- A tired parent sends an “I-message” to the child: “I am very tired,” the child’s reaction is “Daddy is tired.”
The I-Message model consists of three parts:
- event (when..., if...);
- your reaction (I feel...);
- your preferred outcome (I would like it to be...; I would prefer...; I would be glad...);
In communication, you can use a shortened form of “I-message”. For example: “When I see dirty dishes, it sends shivers down my spine.”
The main purpose of the “I-message” is not to force someone to do something, but to communicate your opinion, your position, your feelings and needs; in this form, the other will hear and understand them much faster.
Learning to send “I-messages” is not easy; at first there may be mistakes. And the main one is that sometimes, starting with the “I-message”, we end with the “You-message”. For example: “I’m annoyed that you don’t clean your room!” (compare: “The mess in my room annoys me!”). You can avoid mistakes by using impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns, and generalizing words.
Start using the “I-message” in communication and you will feel how the atmosphere will change and how your relationships will warm up.
Relationships based on mutual understanding are built on the following important points:
understanding the child’s emotional state and expressing in words what we understand;
awareness of one’s own state and expression of one’s feelings in the correct form.
“Active listening” will help us understand the child’s condition, and “I-messages” will help us express our own feelings and wishes.
Rules of "Active Listening".
Before expressing your own thoughts about the situation in which the child is, you need, first of all, to understand him, to understand how he feels in this situation. This is quite easy to do if you listen carefully to what exactly the child is saying. Behind any phrases you can hear the feelings that he experiences at this moment. And by telling the child that we know about his experiences, we give him the opportunity to talk about his experiences and be understood.
To do this, it is best to say what exactly, in your impression, the child is feeling now and call this feeling “by name.” This technique is called Active Listening.
Actively listening to a child means returning to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feelings.
Son: He took my car!
Mom: You are very sad and angry with him.
Son: I won't go there again!
Dad: You don't want to go to school anymore.
Daughter: I won't wear this stupid hat!
Mom: You don't like her very much.
Features and rules of conversation using the method of active listening:
Firstly. Be sure to turn your face to the child. It is important that your eyes and his are at the same level. If the child is small, sit down next to him, take him in your arms or sit him on your knees; You can lightly pull the child towards you, approach or move your chair closer to him.
Secondly. If you are talking to an upset or upset child, you should not ask him questions. It is advisable that your answers sound in the affirmative.
The affirmative form shows that the parent is tuned in to the “emotional wave” of the child, that he hears and accepts his feelings. A phrase framed as a question does not reflect empathy.
Third. It is very important to “keep a pause” in a conversation. After each of your remarks, it is best to remain silent. Pauses help the child understand his experience and at the same time more fully feel that you are nearby. If the child’s eyes do not look at you, but to the side, “inside” or into the distance, then continue to be silent: very important and necessary internal work is happening in him now.
Fourthly. In your response, it is sometimes helpful to reiterate what you understand happened to the child and then identify his or her feelings. For repetition, you can use other words, but with the same meaning.
Son: I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
Father: You don’t want to be friends with him anymore. (repeating what was heard).
Son: Yes, I don’t want to...
Father (after a pause): You were offended by him... (designation of feelings).
Thus, “Active Listening” leads to very important results for mutual understanding: the child’s negative experiences are weakened; the child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to tell more and more about himself; Moreover, he himself is moving forward in resolving his own issue.
Examples:
| The child's situation and words | Child's feelings | Your Answer |
| “Today, when I was leaving school, a hooligan boy knocked my briefcase away and everything spilled out of it.” | Sadness, resentment | You were very upset and it was very offensive |
| (The child was given an injection and cries): “The doctor is bad!” | Pain, anger | You're in pain, you're angry with the doctor |
| (The eldest son to his mother): “You always protect her, you say “little, little,” but you never feel sorry for me.” | Injustice | You want me to protect you too |
Formula "I-messages".
To express your feelings and wishes in a constructive way, it is best to use “I messages.” In such messages, we speak on our own behalf and to ourselves (about our feelings, thoughts, wishes). Such phrases help your child understand you.
For example, the phrase “I’m very tired” (“I-message”) evokes sympathy and a desire to somehow support the person. While the phrase “You tired me” (“You-message”) can cause resentment or guilt, which does not contribute to mutual understanding.
The “I-message” can be constructed as follows:
– event (when..., if...)
– your reaction (I feel...)
– your preferred outcome (I would like it to be...; I would prefer...; I would be glad...)
Example:
I'm so tired (feelings) of tying your shoelaces (event) all the time, how much I wish you could learn to do it yourself (preferred outcome).
When I see dirty hands (event), I get shivers down my spine (feelings), I would be very happy if you washed your hands before eating (preferred outcome).
I get offended and angry (feelings) when I come home tired and find a mess (event) at home.
The primary purpose of an I message is not to force someone to do something, but to communicate your opinion, your position, your feelings and needs. In this form, the child will hear and understand them much faster.
Thus, by understanding the child and expressing our feelings and wishes using the techniques described, we get the opportunity to constructively resolve the issue and move towards mutual understanding and trust.
child, family psychologist
Based on materials from the book by Gippenreiter Yu.B. Communicate with the child. How?
Interesting fact: the madness you fall into today simply did not exist 10, 20 years ago. Back then, you wouldn't be compulsively checking your phone every few minutes, either angry or frustrated, tormented simply because someone didn't send you a quick, stupid message.
Modern romance is stressful, especially when it comes to texting. In 2010, only 10% of young people used texting to ask someone out for the first time. In 2013 - already 32%. More and more people are sitting alone, staring at their phone screens, while experiencing a range of emotions.
A few minutes passed and my message status changed to read. My heart has stopped. This is the moment of truth. I got ready and watched without stopping as these little dots appeared on the smartphone screen, indicating that someone was typing an answer to you. It feels like a slow ride up to the highest part of a roller coaster. But then a few seconds pass - and that’s it, they disappeared. And no answer.
Hmmm... What happened? A few more minutes pass and... nothing. 15 minutes pass... Nothing. My confidence is fading, doubts are beginning to torment me. An hour passes... Nothing. Two hours pass... Nothing. Three hours pass... A slight panic begins. I'm re-reading my message. I was confident in him, but now I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with him.
“I'm such a fool! You had to type “Hello!” with two “e”s, not just one. I asked too many questions. What was I thinking? Oh, I should have asked something else. Aziz, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU AND YOUR QUESTIONS?”
Aziz Ansari
Technological progress today allows us to contact the person we like instantly. But this does not make the problems any less. For example, how to invite a girl or guy on a date? Is it worth calling? Or write an SMS? Or add as a friend and send a message on a social network? How long should you wait before responding to an invitation? Obviously, with progress came changes in our personal lives. We evaluate our partners differently, we establish and build relationships differently.
Comedian Aziz Ansari decided to understand the problems of modern romantic relationships and, together with New York University sociologist Eric Klinenberg, developed a large-scale research project. From 2013 to 2014, they conducted focus groups and surveys around the world, as well as conducting interviews with renowned romance researchers. The results of this research resulted in the book “ Actively Searching”, in which, among other things, you can find the answer to the question of what to do as soon as you have sent or received a message.
How long should you wait before replying to a message?
This question caused the most controversy and disagreement among respondents. And these are the tactics people usually follow.
- Tactics for doubling response time: they answer you in five minutes, you wait ten. This way, you will always be in a better position because you will appear busier and less approachable than your interlocutor.
- Some wait a few minutes to show that there is something more important in their life than a phone.
- Some respondents believe that it is better to double the response time, but sometimes you can answer quickly, there is nothing wrong with that (as, indeed, with a response that takes too long).
- Some people claim that they expect exactly 1.25 times the response time.
- Others say that waiting three minutes is enough.
- There were also those who were already fed up with such games, so they responded immediately as soon as they saw the message. They believe that their answers without feigned anticipation seem more lively and confident.
But do these tactics really work? And why do so many people adhere to them? Let's see if these strategies compare with actual psychological research.
The answer is like a reward
In recent years, behavioral scientists have been studying why waiting tactics have such a powerful effect on people.
You will appear less attractive if you respond to messages immediately.
Psychologists have conducted hundreds of studies in which they gave animals rewards under different conditions. One of the most interesting findings is “uncertain reward,” that is, the situation when an animal, when pressing a lever, cannot predict whether it will receive a reward. It turned out that uncertainty significantly increases the animal’s interest in receiving a reward: the level of dopamine increases, so that, one might say, it gets high from this sensation.
In laboratory animals that receive a reward every time they press a lever, their interest eventually wanes. After all, they know that as soon as they want a reward, they will get it.
The same principle applies in relationships: if you are a guy or girl who responds to messages without delay, you will begin to be taken for granted. As a result, you reduce your value as a reward. This means that the other person will not feel a strong need to respond to the message. Or, as in the case of laboratory animals, the need to press a lever.
What do texting and gambling have in common?
Messaging is an environment in which our mind begins to work in a specific way. Before everyone had cell phones, people always waited a while (hours or days) before calling back without the other person being bothered. Correspondence has taught us to receive faster answers. According to surveys, this indicator varies from person to person in the range from 10 minutes to one hour.
Natasha Schüll, an anthropologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (USA), studies gambling addiction, specifically what happens to the minds and bodies of people who become addicted to slot machines. Unlike cards, horse racing or the weekly lottery, which force players to wait (for their turn, when the horses finish, for the start of the weekly drawing), slot machines allow gambling without delay, since the player receives information quickly.
You are accustomed to expecting instant results, so you begin to lose patience at any slightest delay. When you're texting someone you like but don't know well enough yet, it's a lot like a slot machine. There is also a lot of uncertainty, anticipation, and anxiety here. You are set to receive a message. You want it, you need it right now. But if you don't get a quick response, it throws you off track.
Natasha Shul
Text messages are different from the messages people left on answering machines before the advent of smartphones. A message on an answering machine can be compared to buying a lottery ticket. You know in advance that you will have to wait until you find out the winning numbers. You don't expect a call back right away. You may even enjoy this feeling of uncertainty because you know in advance that you will have to wait a few days. But with texting, if you don't get a response after 15 minutes, you start to freak out.
How to appear more attractive in the eyes of another person
The psychological principles associated with anticipation can be a very useful strategy for a single person who wants to appear more attractive.
For example, let's say you are a man who meets three women at a bar. The next day you write to them. Two respond quickly enough, and the third does not respond at all. The first two women showed interest in you, and your brain calmed down after receiving the answer. But the third woman, by not answering, has created uncertainty, and your brain begins to look for an explanation for her action. You don’t lose interest: “Why doesn’t she answer? What is wrong with me? Maybe I did something wrong? This uncertainty, social psychologists have found, can lead to intense romantic attraction.
A team of scientists - Erin Whitchurch, Timothy Wilson and Daniel Gilbert - conducted a study in which women were shown profiles of different men on the social network Facebook, who in turn told what they thought about them. profiles.
- One group of women was shown profiles of men who rated the profiles of subjects from this group as the best.
- The second group was told they were being shown profiles of men who rated their accounts as average.
- The third group was shown profiles of men who could not decide whether they liked these women or not.
Women were expected to prefer men who rated them as the best rather than as average (based on the principle of reciprocity - we like people who like us). However, women were more likely to prefer men from the undecided group. They also later reported thinking more about men who were undecided.
When you think about a person a lot, their image becomes firmly established in your mind, which can ultimately lead to attraction.
Another idea from social psychology that relates to our waiting games is the principle of scarcity. We usually perceive something as more desirable when it seems out of our reach. So, when you rarely hear from someone, that person is essentially creating scarcity and presenting themselves in a more favorable light.
Don't take everything personally
You wrote to a person and invited him on a date, but there was no reaction from him. What to do in such a situation? Definitely don’t sprinkle ashes on your head and think about what you said or did wrong. Don't forget that sometimes it's not you, but other factors at play. There may be something going on in a person's life that you have no idea about, but it may affect their desire to be in a relationship.
Let's start with examples. Consider some statements from parents:
1. I don’t like it when children walk around disheveled, and I’m embarrassed by the looks of my neighbors.
2. It’s difficult for me to get ready for work when someone is crawling under my feet, and I keep tripping.
3. Loud music really tires me out.
Notice that all these sentences contain the personal pronouns I, ME, ME. Therefore, psychologists called statements of this kind “I-MESSAGES”.
Some parent might say it differently:
1. What kind of look do YOU have?
2. Stop crawling around here, YOU are bothering me.
3. Could you please be quieter?
Such statements use the words YOU, YOU, YOU. They can be called YOU-MESSAGES.”
At first glance, the difference between “I-” and “You-messages” is small. Moreover, the latter are more familiar and “more convenient”. However, in response to them, the child is offended, defensive, and insolent. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them. After all, every “You-message” essentially contains an attack, accusation or criticism towards the child. Here's a typical dialogue:
- When will you finally start cleaning your room?! (Accusation.)
- Well, that's enough, dad. After all, this is my room!
- How are you talking to me?! (Condemnation, threat.)
- What did I say?
So, RULE: When you talk about your feelings to your child, speak in the FIRST PERSON. Report ABOUT YOURSELF, YOUR experience, not about him, not about his behavior.
The “I-message” has a number of ADVANTAGES compared to the “You-message”.
1. IT ALLOWS YOU TO EXPRESS YOUR NEGATIVE FEELINGS IN A FORM THAT IS NON-HARMFUL TO YOUR CHILD. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger or irritation to avoid conflict. However, this does not lead to the desired result. It is impossible to completely suppress our emotions, and the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, withdrawn, or start an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace, there is war.
Recently I had the opportunity to witness a conversation between an eleven-year-old girl and her mother. The girl was upset and, crying, remembered all her “grievances.” “Don’t think that I don’t understand how you treat me. I see everything! For example, today, when you came in and we were playing the tape recorder instead of studying homework, you got angry with me, although you didn’t say anything. And I saw it, I saw it, you don’t have to deny it. I understood it from the way you looked at me, even the way you turned your head!”
This girl's reaction was a direct result of her mother's hidden dissatisfaction. I thought: what subtle and observant “psychologists” our children are, and what a lesson this girl taught her mother (and me at the same time), breaking the cold ice of unnecessary silence and giving vent to her feelings.
2. “I-MESSAGE” GIVES CHILDREN AN OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW US, PARENTS, CLOSER. We often shield ourselves from children with the armor of “authority,” which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the “teacher” mask and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel anything at all. This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes the adult closer, more humane.
I recently overheard a mother talking on the phone to her ten-year-old son. Mom (a teacher by profession) told him about how a difficult lesson for her was successful. “You know,” she said, “how worried I was this morning. But everything ended well, and I'm very happy. And are you happy? Thank you!" It was nice to see such emotional closeness between mother and son.
3. WHEN WE ARE OPEN AND SINCERE IN EXPRESSING OUR FEELINGS, CHILDREN BECOME MORE SINCERE IN EXPRESSING THEIR. Children begin to feel: adults trust them, and they can trust them too.
Here is a letter from one mother who asks if she did the right thing. “My husband and I separated when our son was six years old. Now he is eleven, and he has begun to deeply, consciously, but mostly to himself, miss his father. Somehow he blurted out: “I would go to the cinema with dad, but I don’t want to go with you.” Once, when my son directly said that he was bored and sad, I told him: “Yes, son, you are very sad, and sad, probably, because we don’t have a dad. And I'm not happy either. If only you had a dad and I had a husband, life would be much more interesting for us.” My son burst into tears: he leaned against my shoulder, quiet bitter tears flowed.
I also cried secretly. But it became easier for both of us. I thought about this day for a long time and somewhere in the depths of my soul I understood that I had done the right thing. Is not it?"
Mom intuitively found the right words, told the boy about his experience (active listening), and also talked about her own (“I-message”). And the fact that it became easier for both, that mother and son became closer to each other, is the best proof of the effectiveness of these methods. Children very quickly learn the manner of communication from their parents. This also applies to the “I-message”.
“Since I started using “I-messages,” writes the father of a five-year-old girl, “my daughter’s requests like “Give me!”, “Play with me!” have almost disappeared. More often it sounds: “I want to”, “I can’t wait any longer.”
4. BY EXPRESSING THEIR FEELINGS WITHOUT ORDERS OR REPRODUCTIONS, WE RESERVE THE OPPORTUNITY FOR CHILDREN TO MAKE A DECISION FOR THEMSELVES. And then - surprisingly - they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.
Let me give you a case told by the mother of a four-year-old boy.
“My son and I came to the pharmacy. He wanted vitamins, I bought them for him.
Then he saw others and began to ask for them too. I said: “Seryozha, let’s agree: when these vitamins run out, I’ll buy others.” But he started whining, and then he started pushing me and screaming, so that others could hear. I felt very unpleasant and ashamed. I no longer noticed anyone around, I didn’t know how to get out of the situation. And then I said loudly:
- I am terribly ashamed of such a scene.
And suddenly Seryozha looked around, looked around at everyone, then pressed himself close to me, hugged my legs and said:
- Mom, let's go. As you wish. That's how many vitamins you tell me to eat, that's how much I'll eat. If you say one, I’ll eat one, if you say two, I’ll eat two.
So we went home. He kept looking into my eyes and repeating how many vitamins he would take.”
When will you clean your room?
Have you received a reprimand again?
Do you do everything your own way?
When will you learn how to do it the first time?
How many times do I have to tell you?
Have you seen yourself in the mirror?
Familiar phrases, aren't they? How often do we say them and wonder why they remain unanswered, or sometimes cause protest, objections, resentment and other negative feelings in our child?!
The answer is quite simple: such appeals begin with an accusation and are not at all like a dialogue.
If we want communication with a child to be effective, it is necessary
First of all, recognize him as an equal interlocutor and, secondly, rebuild your address from “You-message” to “I-message”.
The phrase containing the “You-message” looks aggressive and is perceived as criticism, accusation, it creates the impression that the other is always right, he controls the situation and demands a report on the implementation. The words used in the “You message” are: you, you, you.
The phrase containing the “I-message” carries more information about the speaker, his feelings, opinions and position; one feels tact and respect for the person to whom it is addressed. In addition, a clear formulation of the desired forms of behavior is appropriate in such a message. In the "I-message" the words are used: I, to me, at me.
I have a headache, please turn off the music.
It makes me very angry when things are scattered around the house. Please, clean up after yourself.
I feel very unpleasant and offended when people talk to me like that.
This appearance puzzles me.
Any dissatisfaction that we usually express through the “You message” can be presented to the child in a different way, using "I-message" technique .
The phrase in this case consists of four main parts:
1. You need to start a phrase description Togo fact, which does not suit you in a person’s behavior. I emphasize that this is a fact! No emotions or evaluation of a person as an individual. For example, like this: “When you are late...”.
3. Then you need explain, which impact this behavior has on you or on others. In the example of being late, the continuation could be: “because I have to stand at the entrance and freeze,” “because I don’t know the reason for your lateness,” “because I have little time left to communicate with you,” etc.
4. In the final part of the phrase it is necessary inform about your desire, that is, about what behavior you would like to see instead of the one that caused you dissatisfaction. Let me continue with the late example: “I would really like it if you would call me if you can’t make it on time.”
As a result, instead of the accusation “You’re late again,” we get the phrase: “When you’re late, I worry because I don’t know the reason for your lateness. I would really like you to call me if you can’t make it on time.”
The “You message”: “You always do things your way” can be replaced with the “I message”: “When you do things your way, I get upset because I think that my opinion is not important to you. I would be glad if we decided together what to do.”
Using the “I-message” technique requires some experience, since it is not always possible to quickly navigate and rearrange a phrase, but over time it will work out better and better.
The “I-message” technique does not force the child to defend himself; on the contrary, it invites him to dialogue and gives him the opportunity to express his opinion.
This allows you to know and understand the child better!
Exercises for training on “I-messages”:
SITUATION 1. Children talk loudly during lunch.
Your words:
1. “When I eat, I am deaf and dumb.”
2. “Why are you so angry, choke. Then you'll know howtalk while eating."
Z. “I don’t like it when people talk loudly at the table during lunch.”
Your option
SITUATION 2. You came home late from work, and your child didn’t complete his part.homework for school.
Your words:
1. “Lord, when will you finally do your homework on time?”
2. “Again, nothing has been done. When will it end? I am tired of this.You’ll at least do your homework until the morning.”
3. “It bothers me that the lessons have not yet been done.I'm starting to get nervous. I want the lessons to be doneuntil 8 p.m."
Your option SITUATION 3. You need to do some work at home(for example: write a report), and your child constantly distracts you: asks questions, asks to read, shows his drawings.
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