From time to time narcissists write to me. Usually, even during correspondence, it becomes clear that these are indeed narcissists, and they correctly understand their essence.

All of them (that is, my respondents) are in a painful search for a life strategy. One wants to better “master” his narcissism in order to adapt to life among people and eliminate his own weak links: self-sabotage in his career, the rapid depreciation of new endeavors and loss of interest in them.

Another is worried about how to get his wife back, who left for the second time, and establish a normal life with her. He does not hide the fact that all problems in relationships arise through his fault...

The hero of this story - a 27-year-old resident of a large city - claims that he managed to overcome his narcissism. According to him, a bright period has been going on for six months now, when long-forgotten emotions returned to him and the need for a narcissistic resource disappeared. He says that he broke up with all his exes and is now dating a girl with whom he began the relationship not with idealization, but with a gradual convergence and identification of common interests.

I am not publishing this post so that some of you will rush back to your daffodils, inspired by the example of the reader. Perhaps he did not have a full-blown narcissistic disorder, but had, say, narcissistic injury or narcissism to a relatively mild degree. Because he remembered himself alive, with emotions - a real narcissist does not remember this (I think so).

Besides, this is an experiment. Nobody, not even the hero himself, knows what will happen next. Of course, I really want a miracle to happen, but I cannot and do not want to reassure you that this is possible. But I also don’t want to chuckle skeptically in response to this confession. Even if this is a temporary enlightenment, a “new life” that narcissists love to start, then this story will at least enrich our understanding of what is happening in the soul of a narcissist.

So, let's read. Please be careful in discussions. A narcissist in his light period is still a narcissist, and no one has abolished narcissistic shame (although the hero assures that he can avoid it).

Yes, I’m going to talk about the vices, about the dark side of narcissism, but not through the eyes of a specialist who professionally studies this illness, but of a person who became one, but was able to find within himself the DESIRE and STRENGTH in order to fight this illness and overcome his shame and selfishness to print this story. How much signs of narcissism have manifested themselves in me (and they are all present), I leave it to the readers to judge. However, at the time of taking the test using the link from this LJ “How much of a narcissist am I,” I answered all 101 questions honestly and without difficulty and scored 330+ points. One way or another, the purpose of this story is my desire to help people with NPD and the majority of the audience - those who have suffered from such individuals. I write as it is, without exaggeration or embellishment.

“The halo holds tighter on the devil’s horns” (c)

Having familiarized myself with a number of stories from the childhood of narcissists, I dare to say that my own is not particularly different, based on the circumstances that lead to the destruction of personality and the formation of narcissism - everything took place according to an already familiar pattern. The mother is a narcissist (which I was able to understand only at the age of 25), seemingly a kind of soft, meek woman, compliant, ready to please everyone, she will speak her teeth in no time, but behind all this there seems to be a lack of character, a lack of inner core.

What a good woman, you say. Only in appearance. And in public. The first vivid memory of childhood still reminds me of itself to this day with a scar on the inside of my lip, when my mother moved the chair during dinner so that I smashed my chin on the table - I prevented me from talking to her on the phone by either playing with bread or something else. something like that. A well-deserved punishment, in her opinion. I was 4 years old then.

There was no love in the family, neither between father and mother, nor in mother’s attitude towards me. My father treated me better, but more on that later. I always felt some kind of coldness on my mother’s part, even when she hugged me and said that we love you and dad. By the way, she spoke and hugged me only when I deserved it. I had to read, study, then there was a “reward”: “praise” and sweets. Or a birthday gift, always with an instruction, like, look, it costs money, we’re giving it to you, but you have to try even better, otherwise this gift to Sasha (an excellent student in primary school, who was always set as an example to me) will go away.

My mother always compared me - “study like Sasha, you should be better than him,” “You will grow up, you will become like I. Ya.” and so on. They never focused on my talents and preferences, on what I wanted. My father was stingy with emotions; apparently, due to his childhood traumas, he could not express his emotional attitude towards me. He loved me somehow in his own way, this was more manifested in the gifts that, unlike his mother, he gave for free. In addition, I now understand that most of the quarrels between father and mother were related to the father’s desire to defend personal boundaries, which the narcissistic mother sought to destroy and subjugate, which she achieved years later.

I always had to live up to my parents’ expectations, and in case of failure I felt acute guilt and shame: “How is it that they invested so much in me, but I did not live up to expectations?” I thought so later. But fortunately I was a smart child and was successful EVERYWHERE. In studies, clubs, all kinds of sections where my mother enrolled me and I had to be the best everywhere, otherwise a scandal and a lack of sweets awaited me, which at that time was worse for me than the first, because... I'm already used to scandals.

Speaking of scandals. This is the environment in which I have lived since childhood. My parents quarreled almost every day, with constant assault, and besides, we lived in a country house, which we shared with my father’s “relatives” who wanted us to leave. If one day there was no fight between the parents, it certainly arose between the father and his brothers - blood, torn clothes - something that I have observed since childhood.

Sometimes these “neighbors” turned off the heating in the cold season, then I had to freeze, or, on the contrary, they played loud music, which made me unable to sleep, and then a fight followed. This is all from 3 to 6-7 years. But I didn't have time to be distracted by this. I then had to prepare for school, learn English and so on.

“I’m afraid of angels, they are kind, they will agree to be devils” (c)

Now I understand that my mother has been trying to realize her ambitions through me all her life, since she herself has not personally achieved anything in life, has no friends, interests, or hobbies. All she did was just violence, mostly psychological, blurring interpersonal boundaries, considering the child an extension of herself, like a kind of organ, a liver that digests all toxins, later you will understand what we are talking about.

All this was wrapped in a shiny package for the public and presented as a “heroine mother”, doing everything for the benefit of her child - “I give all my strength, I do everything for you, why couldn’t you finish with excellence?” This is how people saw my mother; She manages to play the role of the victim of the three roles of the Karpman triangle best. I began to feel a sense of guilt for absolutely everything that was happening around me, so deeply was I mired in “maternal care.”

During my school years, echoes of the violence that I had to live with as a child began to appear. I loved shooting birds and rats with a pneumatic gun, and I felt absolutely nothing. There were no twinges of conscience, no pity, no regrets, I thought it was an exciting activity, it was even some kind of experiment, like “what will happen?” “I wonder, I thought, will a crow’s wing withstand a shot? I heard that the feathers are very strong, let’s check it!”

Luckily the crow was okay. But it didn't end there. If in kindergarten I was unsociable, sat on the stairs all day long and looked at one point (apparently I was experiencing that stress), then during my school years I experienced a huge craving for communication, I was surrounded by a lot of “friends”.

By the way, for some reason I beat my “best friends”. Sometimes something came over me and for no reason I began to beat the person with whom I was friends, and it was those closest to me who suffered the most. Why? Why, what kind of madness? Just like that, then I found it funny, then I usually said, “Well, why are you so upset? Let’s go play,” and we’d go play, as if nothing had happened. By the way, no one has ever left me. Even then I had something that attracted people, I was a mystery to them, I always threw something out of the ordinary, it was unusual, interesting, fun with me.

As a teenager, I instinctively began to move away from home, to spend more time outside its walls, because I was interested in everything and felt the need for personal development and, of course, it was unbearable for me to live in such an environment. I had to look for more and more free time, which was clearly not enough, as my mother’s “vice” was tightening more and more, and a period of total control in my life on her part began. For a narcissist, the most important thing is control and, due to my minor age, she exercised it to the fullest.

Despite the fact that I was an excellent student at that time (naturally, no B's, otherwise I wouldn't even leave the house), I had to report to her in everything: studying, going out, with whom I communicate, etc. She herself decided what was best for me. If I was even 15 minutes late from a walk, it was a scandal, she called the parents of my friends and humiliated me in front of them.

It’s worth talking about humiliation separately. In this way, the narcissist seeks to impose a feeling of guilt on a person, break him, blur personal boundaries, make him pliable and easily controlled, in my case, a “convenient” child. I don’t know how, but despite such psychological violence, I managed to maintain my character at that time. What happened next was more interesting. My mother’s methods of influencing me intensified every year.

Have you heard about German concentration camps? One of the tortures of people there was the creation of conditions of lack of sleep (perhaps, for that time and circumstances this was “humane” torture, but it is difficult to imagine such a thing in a family). After a certain time, the person became pliable, ready to do anything and confess to anything, even what he did not do. A good way to break a person and prepare the ground for further manipulation.

Since I had less and less personal time, and I wanted to communicate with classmates, I often returned home late at night (at 4-5 in the morning). Naturally, all the lessons and assignments were completed by me and checked by my mother personally. Even if the next day was a day off and I didn’t have to go anywhere, early in the morning she (as she usually did) unceremoniously broke into my room and woke me up, bothered me, not letting me sleep, poured water on me, etc. In response to my requests to let me sleep or the question: “Why?” With a feverish expression on her face, she answered, “Stop sleeping, get up!”

And she didn’t care that it was early, and I only slept for an hour and a half given my workload. Usually she dragged me to the store, where in the end one time I almost fell face down on the floor - I didn’t have the strength. She didn't care about it; when I carried the bags home, she still kept me awake.

Personal boundaries continued to be destroyed, it was forbidden to close the door to my room (the narcissist simply cannot bear the idea that I might be doing something that he does not know); the lock I had placed was removed by my father (he had nothing against me, but by that time his opinion no longer had weight). But I was not spineless, as I already said, and I took such “assaults” with hostility and defended my rights and boundaries.

The only thing I didn’t have enough intelligence for back then, and most importantly, the strength, was to simply move out of the apartment. Rent a house, whatever. Even then I was dependent, as my mother manipulated very skillfully, using push-pull tactics, first “everything is fine,” sit down, eat, bought everything here, and then suddenly, out of the blue, get out! And then mat. And then again as if nothing had happened, again talking as if nothing had happened. Then I tried to look for the reason in myself, what I was doing wrong, everything was in vain.

Nervous breakdowns happened to me all the time, I broke something, drank alcohol. Quite soon, my mother’s physical strength to cope with me was clearly not enough, so when I resisted her pressure, she caused a scandal (this was how her powerlessness was revealed), and then called the police. They visited our house regularly from the time I was 14 until I was about 23 or 24.

The narcissist is incapable of engaging in a constructive dialogue; as soon as I asked specific questions in a calm tone, the dialogue immediately went in another direction, she could not talk about one topic in essence, she immediately began screaming and meaningless speech with attempts to blame me for everything that was happening. Upon the arrival of law enforcement officers, her face instantly changed, becoming God’s dandelion, a victim of her tyrant son. When the police asked, “Why did you call?” my mother began to humiliate me publicly, saying things that strangers absolutely didn’t need to know, which made me want to sink into the ground. The police shrugged their shoulders in bewilderment and left. Mother was pleased, I was humiliated - this is a victory.

“There was some kind of huge emptiness in him, filled to the brim with erudition” (c)

Gradually, I began to lose confidence in my own abilities and aspirations. The circle of people with whom I communicated shrank every year, as did my ambitions and desires. I began to lose the meaning of life, I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted (it should be noted that since childhood I no longer understood what I wanted in life, although until that moment I remained interested in the world around me).

He suffered from depression and constantly changed jobs. He abandoned all his undertakings without completing them, quickly losing interest in it. I became dependent on other people’s opinions, changed my appearance (hairstyle, clothes) in order to please colleagues, friends, receive praise from them, catch their admiring glances, when, as before, I dictated my style myself and was in no way dependent on the opinions of others. It became difficult to express my emotions, although by nature I was a very emotional and cheerful person, for which those around me always loved me.

I became withdrawn, and the worst thing was that I could not cope with my emotions. More and more often, anger and anger overshadowed good feelings and began to dominate in me. Envy appeared. All this accumulated in me, poisoning my soul, and I could not do anything about it; I was afraid of my own emotions, I locked them away, it was calmer.

My mother’s grip did not weaken and I began to understand that I was no longer able to withstand all this, otherwise my entire insides would be torn to pieces, negative emotions suffocated and weighed me down, lay an unbearable burden on my soul, which became heavier day by day.

In one of the stressful situations, I reached the limit of emotional stress that I could bear. I had a nervous breakdown. After that, something inside me broke, tore apart and faded, everything disappeared. I didn’t immediately understand what had happened, but after a while I felt relief, freedom from the emotions that weighed me down so much. Along with the negative emotions, the joyful ones disappeared, as well as the feelings, I simply became empty.

At first I even liked it. It was much calmer and better this way. I had achieved the relief I was looking for, the negativity that surrounded me was no longer causing me any discomfort. The fact that I had lost my taste for life did not bother me at all; this price for “peace of mind” seemed quite acceptable to me. But the consequences of what happened were not long in coming. In place of the “inner core,” the personal beginning that shapes your character, yourself, in other words, the inner “I,” a funnel, an emptiness, formed and it grew every day.

“Appetite comes with eating, but does not go away during hunger” (c)

Soon it became simply unbearable. This void could not be filled with anything. Neither alcohol nor any kind of extreme sports (I began to crave thrills, this gave me a feeling of satiety for a short time), I quickly became bored with any undertakings, I rushed from side to side, trying to find something that I would like, but so Since there was no longer a personal beginning, my own “I,” I couldn’t find myself in anything.

My emotional spectrum has become monstrously impoverished. I stopped feeling anything at all, even my pain levels decreased significantly. It was as if I had hardened, closed myself in “impenetrable” armor, abstracted myself from everything, the remnants of me, those that had crumbled in a nervous breakdown, disappeared somewhere in the depths and I could no longer dig them up inside myself. Along with them, I lost myself.

This became a turning point in my life. No negative emotions could affect me anymore. My emotional background depleted to those emotions that are inherent in a narcissist: anger, anger, envy burned me from the inside. But my face remained serene. It was as if I had put on an impenetrable mask (I soon became adept at changing them). I easily avoided all adversity and problems, it became impossible to pin me against the wall (because there was no one to pin me), I found excuses for everything and turned any situation so that I got away with it, putting the feeling of guilt on someone else and doing as if he was to blame for what happened, although usually this was not the case. I felt like I was starting to destroy everything I touched.

The bottomless hole inside me kept growing, the feeling of “hunger” did not leave me, it made me want to climb the wall, although this would hardly help. No, I didn’t go crazy then, but the narcissism inside me had already taken root and was bearing fruit. I lost my job, the rest of my friends, I began to hate people and have not yet learned to hide it.

However, I needed people as much as I hated them. Having good intuition by nature, I learned to manipulate people and use them for my own purposes. Having lost my emotions, I could no longer make acquaintance and establish contact with the subject as easily as before. To do this, I pulled out fragments of memories from my memory of how I had previously reacted to this or that circumstance and tried to reproduce the facial expressions and gestures that I remembered; in addition, I carefully observed other people, copied the behavior that seemed “optimal” for a given situation, watched films and memorized the movements of the actors in order to reproduce at the right moment and be “like everyone else.” My brain worked like a machine around the clock. Everything had to be kept under control so as not to give oneself away.

I learned to see through people. Later I learned that this is called cold empathy, i.e. to see the weaknesses of people that I used for my own purposes. More precisely, it didn't work quite like that. I saw people’s desires, their goals and hopes, their inner core and skillfully adjusted to them, putting on the mask that they would like to see. I changed masks very easily: I could be a confident “successful” man, an immediately sensitive young man, a wild, funny guy, etc. I also easily switched between emotions: one minute I was furious and the next minute I could smile as if nothing had happened. In general, I despised all kinds of weaknesses, as well as emotions, believing that they make people vulnerable (childhood trauma).

Unlike other narcissists, I was not completely devoid of empathy, in other words, empathy. If in childhood, as I already said, I did not experience any emotions when hurting animals, only curiosity, then when I got a dog, I began to sincerely worry if she was sick, even sometimes cried; The strangest thing is, these were REAL feelings, strong, overwhelming me, but then the “defense mechanism” kicked in and they disappeared again.

I filled my inner emptiness by feeding on people’s attention and emotions, sucking all the juice out of them. This was the narcissistic supply I so desperately needed. I got used to it immediately, it was like a drug. Having received a sufficient dose, I felt on a pedestal, on top of the world - omnipotent, I could do anything! Also, suddenly, after a certain period of time, I felt like a complete insignificance, incapable of anything. Such mood swings haunted me several times during the day.

I started studying psychological literature and realized who I had become. But I didn’t look for a solution to this problem, I just began to hone my skills in manipulating and subjugating people, realizing how savvy victims can be. I loved reading Gogol and Dostoevsky, no matter how they showed all the vices of the human soul, all its hidden corners, weaknesses and illnesses. Year after year, I honed my predatory skills, led the military registration and enlistment office psychologists by the nose for 9 years, never once avoiding subpoenas. I felt and manipulated even them very well, what can we say about ordinary girls? (I am stating this as an event of past years, understand correctly - without a shadow of boasting, because this is completely inappropriate and there is nothing to be proud of here).

How I used people, mostly girls, of course, I won’t describe, because... Now I consciously realize that my actions have no justification. I can only say that I have never used physical force on girls - I still have some concept of honor. Everything was typical for a narcissist, all the stages had already been described several times in previous posts and there was nothing out of the ordinary. The same attraction-repulsion in relationships, disappearing for several days without calling, idealizing the object and devaluing it, blurring personal boundaries, “cold shower”, “juice squeezer” and “disposal” - I did all this to the fullest. Some managed to get off the hook earlier, others didn’t.

I also had a “hobby” that 100% guaranteed a supply of narco-resources at any time. I communicated with some girls exclusively on social networks. I wrote poems to them, had interesting conversations and thus received signs of their attention. Many could not part with the idea that I would never meet with them and for years they could not start a relationship, although we only communicated on social networks, they were so dependent.

To some I hinted and even directly said what kind of person I was. I gave one girl a detailed lecture, gave a whole list of classical literature and films about narcissists, she was very interested in listening, but she still refused to understand what I was telling her. Then he said in plain text who I really am, and received the answer - “oh, you’re an eloquent suck-up.” Wonderful! Although there were no stupid girls on my list.

Even after learning what kind of person I was, many could not leave me, they were dependent, just as I could not break off the relationship, because... also depended on supplies of narcissistic supply. I do not consider it necessary to describe all the details, since having overcome this illness, I no longer consider such behavior an achievement, only a shameful past, a stain for which I am very ashamed and regrettable. I repeat that this immoral behavior cannot be justified in any way.

But I didn’t come to such thoughts right away. Gradually, a growing feeling of inner emptiness began to overcome me, I will not describe the torment that I experienced, I will just say that I began to try to find a way out of this situation, because I understood that you would not get far by supplying narcissistic supply. I was faced with two options: the first was to continue doing what I was already good at, or to try to regain my old life, with all the colors, full of emotions, to live as a person.

As a person... This expression alone made me laugh, I despised people for their weaknesses, comparing me to everyone was a blow below the belt, just this thought alone made me sick, I hated myself for it. However, I vaguely but still remembered what it was like to live with feelings, to have a rich life; it was like an echo, a distant, hazy memory.

Meanwhile, time passed and I realized that I was dying morally, burning to the ground and the further it went, the worse it got, there might be no way back. And I made a choice.

It was a crazy, desperate step for me to try to get myself back, to become who I once was, to find my inner self, to rebuild my life and myself with it. First, it was necessary to “patch up” this black hole inside, which turned out to be very difficult. Any distractions, doing anything - everything fell into this abyss, eluding me. Nothing could interest me. In addition, I understood how degraded I had become, and looking in the mirror I saw that I was also terribly exhausted. I still felt a strong craving for narcotic resources. However, he did not give up.

I knew, like any addiction, it takes time, cravings are just a healing process, and I praised myself for not doing nasty things to people, not draining anyone else’s energy. I got up and tried to enjoy the sunny day, a simple walk - nothing worked. I was empty, dead inside. I felt no joy. The stone wall inside me was so thick that it was impossible to overcome it. Every day I fought with myself, breaking this whole narcissistic mechanism in my head, this damned wall, inside myself I just screamed, I wanted to feel at least something again.

I began to be afraid of myself, afraid of who I had become, it began to seem that I could not recover. But I still didn't give up. Step by step I broke this wall, then I fell exhausted and slept for the rest of the day. There was no energy for anything else. Gradually, over the course of a year of persistent struggle, the wall began to collapse and several times for a short time I was spontaneously overwhelmed with surging feelings, but I didn’t have to rejoice for a long time, just as suddenly they disappeared and everything returned to the same. By that time, the craving for narcissistic resources had almost disappeared and the hole inside me began to close, I again felt support, more strength appeared, a desire to do something.

Now, thanks to the internal struggle, supported by knowledge and introspection of my past, I feel myself again, my feelings have been partially restored. At first I had to control myself, every step I took, so as not to harm people, not to siphon energy from them.

I was afraid of interest from the opposite sex: I tried to understand whether they were hooked, but healthy self-esteem returned to me again. Every day I communicate more and more freely, more naturally, my communication skills are returning to me. I learned again how to build healthy relationships with people based on the mutual exchange of resources and respect for each other. Now I began to enjoy a normal life, the very thought of who I was became disgusting and disgusting to me.

It was not easy for me to write all this. Accepting myself for who I was required some work and reflection. Now I am happy with my new life, I have learned to love myself, and, consequently, loved ones. I hope to decide on my path in life, but until my “I” is fully formed, this remains difficult for me. I set clear boundaries with my mother. Now I feel like an independent person.

I have been living in this new state for six months now. Mental health improves exponentially. My companion contributes to this; of course, she doesn’t know who I was. The paradox is that usually I instantly idealized the object, I never had a situation where I didn’t like the object, and then my attitude towards it gradually changed for the better. Everything was abrupt - this is the girl who will always be with me! Or: this is it, my life’s work! And then, as a consequence, a process of depreciation began.

Here, the person didn’t make much of an impression on me at first, but then the relationship began to develop, we began to get to know each other, I began to appreciate her personal qualities, her relationship with me, etc. I began to have a completely different view of what was happening. Self-esteem still drops, but not as much or as often as before

Sometimes I remember who I was, this part still sits in me, I can’t completely get rid of it. But now I see and feel any manipulations addressed to me from the outside, and to see a narcissist, I don’t need to wait for the “bells”, now I have a “sniff” for abnormal individuals (after all, I was once like that myself), and They see me as a wolf with sawed-off fangs and pass me by.

To summarize, I would like to note that the ability to accept yourself as you are is important. Being a narcissist, it was difficult for me to internalize the idea that I am also a human being like everyone else (to this I added that yes, I am a human being, but with talents that need to be developed in order to be better), you need to stop lying to yourself (simple truths, right?) and not be afraid to look your vices in the face.

The Western world is in awe of cold-blooded sociopaths, and in the domestic hit parade of anti-heroes with mental problems, the narcissist is still confidently in the lead. Most often, this is a narcissistic mother, because of whom the child’s whole life then went downhill, or a lover (much less often, a beloved), who was lured by the brilliance of her charisma, and then morally gutted and left with nothing. What kind of disorder is this, how does it arise and is it as destructive for others as it is described?

Vanity Fair

The most characteristic traits of a narcissist, which those who like to make diagnoses based on their avatar usually focus on, are vanity and narcissism. Other characteristic but lesser-known symptoms are a lack of empathy, envy, a tendency to exploit others and a desire for power, as well as a sense of being special and requiring special treatment. All these features can manifest themselves in varying degrees - from mild personality specificity to a noticeable pathology - the actual narcissistic personality disorder.

Given that narcissists are often truly successful and well-liked, their expansion in society can create a sense of injustice in more meek, modest and underappreciated people. It may seem that these narcissistic egoists get too much completely undeservedly. But at the same time, the inner world of a narcissist cannot be called harmonious. It’s difficult to feel stable when your sense of self-esteem is always “outsourced” and depends on other people’s assessments.

Shame and devaluation

Why is this happening? Neuroscience on this topic has not yet offered a clear explanation (except for individual studies indicating a lack of gray matter in the parts of the brain responsible for empathy and emotional regulation), and psychoanalysts who have most deeply developed the topic believed that this type of personality is formed due to inadequate acute reaction to a feeling of shame: the worst thing is when the people around you consider you are bad, and the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist is the public unveiling of his apparent perfection and the discovery of his true insignificance (and everything that is not ideal is perceived by him as insignificant). There is a widespread belief that the easiest way to raise a child to be a narcissist is by constantly pampering him and inappropriately appreciating his talents, but the observations of many psychologists testify to the effectiveness of the combination of “exuberant praise for meeting high standards” plus “rejection for everything that parents consider bad behavior ( especially if this behavior is, in general, natural for a child, for example, pranks).” Then the baby quickly learns that he is good when he seems good, and no one needs him when he simply is himself, with his weaknesses and shortcomings.

Narcissists, on the one hand, willingly devalue other people’s achievements in order to protect themselves from comparisons that are not in their favor, but on the other hand, their own merits are also always not enough for them. Therefore, their apparent complacency is a soap bubble (this is worth keeping in mind more so as not to get angry at such behavior, and not in order to hit narcissists where it hurts: they are capable of a lot in protecting their ideal “I”).

Due to his specificity, the narcissist is incapable of truly close relationships: he perceives his partner as a mirror to reflect himself (more precisely, his best sides). Therefore, novels often begin with idealization (“What a delightful trophy that will emphasize my uniqueness!”), and end with disappointment and an attempt to change the partner to suit one’s growing needs, without really taking into account the boundaries of his personality. Actually, this is where so many unhappy love stories come from. On the other hand, it is worth remembering that it is also not easy for the narcissist himself: it is impossible to relax and show oneself to mere mortals, even with a spouse.

Olga Gumanova, psychologist:

“It’s easier for other severe neurotics to survive next to such a person, but for others it’s difficult, it’s too cold. Narcissists love to form alliances with schizoids - in such a pair, the extroverted and sociable narcissist can be responsible for relations with the outside world, and the schizoid maintains his own world and the common world of the couple, about which he can fantasize a lot, but he feels good in it. He keeps in silence the image of Narcissus the Magnificent."

Children of narcissists experience increased psychological stress and often grow up with trauma. Typically, narcissistic parents give birth to children not out of love for children, but as another proof of their success and wealth in life. In addition, as in the case of equal partners, such mothers and fathers have a poor sense of personal boundaries and perceive the baby as an extension of themselves, trying to correct his real and apparent shortcomings by any means.

Olga Gumanova:

“Children from narcissistic families may consciously or unconsciously seek out the same narcissistic partners, cling to them, become dependent on them, try to overcome their coldness, indifference and contempt, and earn love. Where they are rejected, where they are neglected, that’s where they are drawn.”

Types of Narcissists

In the two main diagnostic reference books in psychiatry - the European International Catalog of Diseases and the American DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) - people with narcissistic disorder are not divided into groups. Nevertheless, different psychologists and psychiatrists periodically identify characteristic types in their practice:

• An amorous person is a narcissist who asserts himself mainly by seducing others, and is prone to dramatic effects and pathological lies.

• Unprincipled - combines narcissistic symptoms with features of antisocial disorder. Has vague ideas about morality, likes to dominate and manipulate.

• Hypersensitive - thin-skinned and less self-confident; despite all the painful narcissistic pride, he behaves more timidly and avoids situations where he may find himself “not on his horse.”

• Inverted is a narcissist on the contrary, who does not want to receive universal adoration himself, but to be a faithful vassal of a brighter hero.

Olga Gumanova:

“Inverted narcissists are sticky fish, admirers of talent, followers of gurus. In fact, they have exactly the same structure of trauma with narcissists, they are also organized personally, but for some reason they deny the narcissistic in themselves and prefer to always be close to someone who allows themselves to do this, with whom this can be done openly reside. Moreover, “inverted” narcissists can easily be inverted in some respects and classic in others. For example, a woman is a modest housewife, a gray mouse with a brilliant, popular, high-ranking husband. And in her relationship with her child, she already plays the role of a classic narcissist - the child must meet her requirements, reach out, and she gives or does not give a medal.”

How to get rid of narcissism

Narcissistic disorder is often demonized, narcissism is easily attributed to abusers and manipulators, and it is indeed part of the so-called “dark triad” - a typical list of personality traits for people prone to malicious behavior. But this does not mean that every narcissist is a cruel tyrant, and his behavior cannot be corrected. If a person realizes that the specifics of his personality create difficulties for himself and bring pain to loved ones, he can successfully undergo psychotherapy. Drug treatment is not used in this case unless there are other comorbid disorders (for example, anxiety or depression).

Olga Gumanova:

“With experience, I am increasingly convinced that the popular “narcissophobia” today has no real basis. Any personality disorders and neurotic types of personality organization are not corrected only if a person denies his pain, depression, and tries to pretend that everything is fine with him. Narcissists actually have more reasons to deny problems because, as a rule, everything is fine with their careers and personal lives. Why do I need a psychologist if I have a prestigious position, a high salary and a crowd of fans?

Now 60 percent of psychologists’ clients are narcissists. People come because they are in pain, they have a very disassembled, fragmented self, they no longer want to endure it and want to change. And they can change if they want.”

How to live with a narcissist

There is no universal answer to this question - the options will depend both on the degree of narcissism of the hero, and on the type of relationship and your own personality. In any case, it is important to recognize the problem and accept the fact that this is a person with a very specific view of the world, for whom arguments that are obvious or convincing in your opinion may not work. If the pathology is strong, it is better to avoid close contacts; if the traits are moderate, you can try to persuade the person to undergo therapy. Which, most likely, you both will need, because, as already mentioned, people with other neurotic disorders are often drawn to narcissists, and understanding your psychological “bugs” is no less important here than improving relationships with a relative or partner.

How often have accusations fluttered into your head after your coffee cup: “You only think about yourself! Selfish! Narcissus!"? Now, instead of getting into an argument with another woman who thinks you're narcissistic, just slip her this article. Believe me, she has no idea what real selfishness is.

I live with a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). What does it mean? First: it took me a lot of effort not to put my real name under this article. After all, even a repentant story about how unbearable I am for my loved ones would flatter my sick pride. Second: only I (okay, and another 1% of the male population of developed countries) truly have the right to be called a narcissist and an egoist. (Administrative note: according to the most conservative statistics, 5%, but more and more often it is said that this figure is underestimated and we are dealing with an epidemic) My diagnosis is, in fact, the medical definition of selfishness.

I drove two of my failed wives to depression - real, clinical. (From. admin.: poor thing) Therapists are reluctant to work with me, fearing first of all to hurt their own psyche. (Administrator's note: you're a real monster, incredibly cool). I need to take pills just to stop acting like a jerk (and yes, at the end of the article I will reveal the secret of what these wonderful pills are). And I am also very likely to pass on my selfishness to inheritance. Like this. (From. admin.: poor thing) And what your women are offended by is most likely healthy indifference, or just the usual redneck... (From. Adm.: You are rare, special, yeah)

Here's my confession. If you find the same thing in yourself, welcome to the ranks of NRL carriers! If not, then thank God, believe me.

5 signs you have NPD

All this information can, in principle, be gleaned from the Internet, but I have colored it with examples... In addition, no real egoist will voluntarily admit that he is sick and will not go on the Internet to read something supposedly about himself. At least not before the onset of personality decompensation, when the disease itself becomes the self-object... stop! My five signs are also different in that I do not use buzzwords, which in fact only confuse.

Sign 1. You have problems with empathy

Sympathy, willingness to help, concern for others - not that the owner of NPD was completely deprived of all this. The narcissist understands what his interlocutor is thinking (sometimes better than he himself). But he understands, not feels! Putting himself in the place of another person is already an impossible task for him. For example, as a rule, I know that they are worried about me. I see that they are unhappy with me. However, the emotions of the interlocutor, be it a friend, cohabitant, or even my own mother, are an empty phrase for me. I don't worry WITH people. And therefore I cannot “discharge” them - give them what they seek by expressing this or that emotion. I can at least say what they want to hear from me. But to support a quarrel with shouts when a person wants to shout... Or stroke his hair and pat him on the shoulder... I don’t know how. If only by chance.

At the same time, I’m not some kind of cracker with whiskey and ice instead of a heart, like Kai from a children’s fairy tale. I can cry over “The Green Mile” and “The Lion King”, I can not find a place for myself when it’s two in the morning, and someone doesn’t answer the phone and I don’t know where. But in order to feel concern for another, I must “wind up” myself, “tighten up” or, as they say, “irritate” myself. But even then my emotions are only an appearance, a tribute to social etiquette. I really don't care. Even when the little lion cub tugs at his dead daddy’s ear and cries, “Get up, let’s go!”

I am by no means proud of this feature of my psyche. I'm ashamed of her. And by the way…

Sign 2. You often feel ashamed

Not guilt, but shame - this is important! Because guilt is when you are having fun on the family bed with an intern from the legal department, and suddenly your wife comes through the door. And shame is when you are having fun on the same bed with the same intern, your wife is definitely in Istanbul, but in your head you still have the thought: “What am I doing? What if my wife comes in?!”

Shame is always mixed with fear: “What will they think of me?” They’re laughing nearby, and you’re tense: is it at you? This is a typical manifestation of NPD... In the early stages of the disorder, shame and fear are provoked only by real failures or strong feelings about “have I messed up.” Thus, it is difficult for a novice narcissist to cheat on his wife: the shame is so strong that it can cause erectile dysfunction (let’s leave out how I know this).

It's hard to withstand criticism. It’s hard to hear jokes directed at yourself, even the most benign ones. For example, I still remember all the jokes directed at me over the past 20 years! Especially one. At work, someone asked: “There’s someone’s book on the table, “How to Live with a Small Penis,” Igor, is it yours?” It is clear that such a book does not exist. It is clear that even if it was lying on the table, it would not be mine. But the immediate feeling of shame “what if someone thinks this is true” does not go away for years, destroying the psyche. A narcissist is first and foremost a Samoyed. A seemingly cynical snake who secretly constantly eats its own tail.

If treatment is not started in time, the disorder drags its owner into such a black thicket of shame, where any stump begins to seem like a terrible monster. To put it simply, over time you begin to react painfully to the most innocent remarks. You stop doing anything out of fear of making a mistake and feeling shame for a future puncture. You throw the intern out into the street in the middle of the night in only her underwear and throw the family sheets in the wash - although no one even soiled them that evening...

Worse, the realization that you are shackled by shame itself begins to provoke shame: what if someone finds out that I am helpless and cannot control myself? This recursion can continue indefinitely.

Sign 3. You don't know how to conflict

In essence, this is a consequence of the signs already listed. The narcissist all the time, on the one hand, does not guess other people's emotions, and on the other, tries to understand what they think about him. This creates an insidious, albeit rather stupid, trap. A narcissist, as our president’s speechwriter would say, is a typical “tolerator.” He is capable of marrying an unloved woman. Travel to hateful relatives. Bend under a stupid boss. And all this - out of fear that they will think badly of him when he tries to change the situation. A person with NPD fears that “ungrateful pig!” will be thrown in his face. - and as a result, he suffers such treatment of himself, which turns out to be more traumatic than rebellion or conflict.

On the other hand, when the narcissist nevertheless finds himself in a situation where he does not depend on the opinion of the conditional “enemy,” he brings down on him such anger that he did not deserve! Fortunately, I realized at the beginning of my adult life that it is “not cool” to assert oneself at the expense of waiters. However, before starting treatment, I often caught myself talking too rudely to a taxi driver or secretary. And domestic despotism was no stranger to me... Fortunately, this is one of the most easily corrected symptoms. Unfortunately, he's not the only one.

Sign 4. You're always dissatisfied with something

This feeling should not be confused with perfectionism, a craving for perfection. A perfectionist has a clear ideal, plan, scheme in his head. For example: an article about NPD should be six pages long, five signs should be listed, then a treatment regimen, etc. Having imagined such an ideal, a perfectionist will be dissatisfied with himself only if he cannot achieve it. “Well, Danila the master, isn’t there a stone flower coming out?” - this is perfectionism.

At the same time, the narcissist, the clinical egoist, is dissatisfied in principle. Not only with the results of your work, but with everyone around you - and first of all with yourself. Salary, sporting achievements, the size of another girlfriend’s feet - all this irritates and even infuriates the narcissist, not because “it could be better.” And because of the constant awareness that it could be OTHERWISE. You've probably experienced this feeling in its small manifestations. For example, when you are trailing behind a half-dead traffic jam, it always seems that the next row is going a little better, a little faster. Here you go. And it’s always like that for me. For any reason. Yes, I'm dating a model. Well, he could - with a gymnast! Not that the model is bad... Although...

Everything the narcissist has already achieved is instantly devalued. Everything that cannot be obtained right now, on the contrary, is idealized. I’m like a child who was thrown into a toy store and told: take what you want, but you can only take one thing. Any situation of choice destroys the psyche. Makes me doubt: did I choose wrong?

Most often, the narcissist begins to “sort out” women. Why - science does not yet know. Personality disorder guru Nancy McWilliams believes that narcissists cripple women's psyches because they do not know how to get rid of them in a timely manner. To extend the toy analogy: You love your new car. However, you know: they won’t buy you a new one until this one breaks. And as soon as your feelings for the toy begin to weaken, you break it yourself in order to quickly get a new one. There's even a name for it: Don Juan syndrome. Of course, not every womanizer is a narcissist. However, if this is so - well, as they say, lock up your daughters...

Sign 5. You don't have a true inner self

The worst secret that is unlikely to be revealed to you at the first psychotherapy session. All of the above signs are essentially symptoms, side effects. But the fifth sign is the root of the disorder. And the secret is that there really is no narcissist!..

That is, there is nothing inside the personality that would constitute its core. The narcissist is brought up (see below) in such conditions that in the place that is occupied by his own “I” in other adults, he has a black hole, a funnel closed on itself. Emptiness that feeds self-doubt - and doubt that sucks all that is good and good out of the emptiness. The narcissist's entire life is an illusion. All objects of his pride are the external attributes of fame, wealth, success.

In psychiatry this is called the “external locus of self-esteem.” Unable - at least without treatment - to be proud of himself and love himself, the narcissist creates so-called self-objects. These are completely external things, people, phenomena with which the NPD carrier associates himself. “I work in a cool design bureau” - instead of “I’m a designer.” “And this is me in front of my car” - instead of just “and this is me.” “I’m dating a gymnast” - instead of “thank you, everything is fine with my personal life.” These are all typical NRL formulations.

For the time being, creating dozens of such self-objects is easy. The narcissist can even give the impression of being a super-successful darling of fortune and almost a child prodigy. Ah, he is the winner of the Olympiads in seven subjects! Ah, he is a recipient of such and such a medal at the age of fifteen! Ah, he is the youngest laureate of anything in history! Don't be fooled: these are all just attempts to fill the void. At some point, the mechanism for creating self-objects breaks down - this becomes the moment when a recently healthy narcissist (there are some, although this is a temporary stage) develops a disorder.

This, by the way, is where the name of the disease comes from. As you probably remember from Kuhn’s book “Myths of Ancient Greece,” Narcissus’ problem was not simply that he fell in love with his reflection and died from it. Self-admiration is not so bad. In fact, Narcissus was under a curse: he was doomed to love an object who was unable to respond to his love! So appreciate the wicked wit of the therapists who came up with the name for my disorder. I idealize objects, pump them up with my self-esteem - and as a result I create a false “I”, based, for example, on work, money, relationships, well-being.

And then, at the first crisis, I understand that all these years there was a cold something in front of me, slipping through my fingers along with my self-esteem.

How is it treated

First and foremost, under the supervision of a doctor! Self-medication is generally contraindicated for personality disorders, and even more so for narcissistic disorders. Moreover, not a single dealer, not to mention wine supermarkets, will still have the assortment of magic elixirs that a psychiatrist owns.

Take alimemazine antipsychotics, for example. Of course, this is not the best assistant in business: it feels like carpet bombing was suddenly allowed in a pillow fight - and you were covered with about three tons of caked down fluff. There is fog in the eyes, the head is wobbly, the movements are slow. But! No Don Juan syndrome (such stupid things as women simply don’t bother you, except in your sleep - if you suddenly forget to take your evening pill). No feeling of shame. And most importantly, no desire to attract attention to oneself, to obtain a surrogate of love: no antics, no scandals, no self-criticism, no accomplishments... Hmmm, a pathetic semblance of the former life. But I warned you: it’s better not to find signs of NPD in yourself.

Of course, the matter cannot be solved with neuroleptics alone. Following them, antidepressants, nootropics, and psychostimulants are sent into the furnace of a broken body. The complexity of the cocktail and the intensity of intraday sensations depend on whether you still need to work during the treatment process - or whether you prudently sold your assets or simply quit with a note in your employment record: “Due to extreme unbearability”...

One way or another, the pharmacological period is only a prelude to a long and mutual brainstorming, which you will engage in with a psychotherapist in the next year (at least). At the same time, it makes no sense to choose a prettier specialist, because in a couple of months he will probably refuse you anyway. But maybe the second or third will sooner or later discover the cause of the disorder, which - no surprise here - most likely goes back to childhood. In my treatment this moment has not yet arrived. Therefore, I am still able to write with narcissism about my illness.

How to water daffodils

Since NPD begins in childhood, I recommend reading “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller: even a healthy person will find himself in it, and the book is read almost faster than the instructions for an air freshener. Miller believes that narcissism in a healthy rudimentary form is characteristic of most children. Using their example, we’ll look at how to deal with little narcissistic scoundrels, so that they don’t grow into big scoundrels that are difficult to cure.

1. If a child shows signs of narcissism, the worst thing you can do with him is to start loving, encouraging and praising him for a reason, but for SOMETHING. “Aren’t you a man, you can’t throw a spoon properly?”, “If you don’t wash behind your ears, not a single girl will even look at you,” “Well, how many A’s did you bring today?” These and similar phrases stick like nails not only in the brain, but also in the lid of the coffin. A coffin in which the true “I” of the future narcissist will writhe in agony. Love your child just like that. Whatever he brought from school, even chlamydia.
2. Play ahead of the curve with the narcissist. If a child brings you a plasticine craft or shouts: “Dad, look how I can do it” and “Mom, mom, I masturbate without my hands!” - that means it’s rubbish. He ALREADY didn't get enough attention. Do you remember about the feeling of shame and eternal dissatisfaction? If you give compliments to a narcissist only when he asks for them, this will only give him reason to suspect that he is doing something WRONG. I'm not praised?.. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing? Maybe I'm not crying loud enough about the lack of attention? Maybe something needs to be blown up in this house so that dad will tear himself away from the TV and chase me a little?.. If you “water” the narcissist without waiting for him to start drying out, his craving for self-expression can be directed in a healthy direction.
3. The narcissist needs to be taught to speak in time. Not in the sense of any “but how does a cow talk? That's right: mu-mu." We are talking about a more complex process of articulation of emotions. When you talk to a child who is a candidate for NPD, a complex bouquet of shame, resentment, conspiracy theories, dissatisfaction (with himself and with you), fear and thirst for greatness ALWAYS blooms in his head. If you teach a child at the age of 7–10–12 to freely express these feelings, you will save the life not only of him, but also of that poor fellow, whom he would eventually lead to depression. The main thing is to show that the child HAS THE RIGHT to be offended, angry, jealous, and disobedient. Remind more often that people may not always be good. Moreover, they SHOULD NOT be like that. If a narcissist learns to love not only his beautiful reflection in the water, but also the back of his head and his hairy back, this will save him. Well, or at least it will delay the first dose of alimemazine for a couple of years...

So what about adult narcissists, you ask? How to deal with a narcissistic friend? Well, in fact, you will have to deal with her in the same way as with a painfully self-obsessed child. With one difference: you can escape from a woman, unlike a child, in time. And this is exactly what I recommend you do if you suspect that you have come across a genuine narcissist. Jokes aside.

People suffering from narcissism seek control and power, so trying to change the situation and gain control over a narcissistic personality is not an easy task. Start by taking his or her side to avoid any personality defense mechanisms that the narcissistic person might otherwise employ. After this, you can begin to use various techniques during communication to convince the narcissist to do things your way. Either way, you need to keep your own temperament in check to stop the narcissistic person from controlling you.

Steps

Taking the side of the narcissist

Listen a lot. The narcissist needs to be the center of attention. Be prepared to be on the receiving end of most conversations. Although it's not easy enough hear what the narcissist says. You also need to show that you are active are you listening.

• Simply smiling and nodding will not be enough. To actually woo a narcissist, you need to respond to what he or she says in a way that demonstrates how attentive you are.
• Monitor the narcissist's reactions. If the way you have occupied the person seems unsatisfactory, you will soon find out about it.

1. Praise sincerely. Narcissistic individuals think they are great, whether you say so or not. But this does not mean that they do not like to hear compliments from others. If you praise them, still try to sound as sincere as possible.

   Use the non-accusatory form of "I". You may have arguments with a narcissist from time to time in your life. This person will likely be offended if you blatantly criticize him or her, but that doesn't mean you need to back off completely. When you point out what the narcissist has done wrong, simply state it as a personal and subjective opinion, not an accusation.

2. Acknowledge problems, but don't take blame. If the narcissist gets upset with you, deal with the problem by naming it directly. Instead of accepting blame for these difficulties, explain that you have a different opinion about it.

   • For example, if you are working with a narcissist on a report at work and some numbers don't add up, don't say, "You were in charge of the calculations, so it's your fault, not mine." There is a chance that this person believes that it is your fault and may even voice it. In this case, you need to respond with something like: "So you think I'm responsible for this confusion. I don't see the situation that way, so I don't feel the need to take the blame for it."

   Convincing a Narcissist to Do Things Your Way

   1. Set boundaries by hiding them under the guise of compliments. When the narcissist begins to behave in a way that you do not like, point out that behavior by explaining how much better the narcissist's positive quality would be if that behavior were changed. Emphasize the positive quality rather than the bad behavior.

      • Narcissistic individuals tend to invade your personal space without even realizing that they are doing anything wrong. This comes from the belief that all others exist to serve them.
      • For example, don't say things like, "Stop disturbing me! I don't have time for this." Instead, say something like, “You are very intellectually stimulating, but I appreciate your insight and intelligence more when you stop by my desk once or twice a day rather than five or six times.”

   2. Focus on solutions. If you need to tell the narcissist about a decision that has recently been made, place as little emphasis on the problem as possible and emphasize decisions that have already been made. Narcissists tend to return to the problem and offer their own solutions. So if you want to save time and avoid controversy, you need to keep the narcissist from focusing on the problem.

      • The same principle can be applied when you only have possible options instead of one firm decision. Present your likely solutions to the narcissist and only then explain the problem they are intended to solve.

   3. Avoid direct calls. Directly questioning the narcissist's judgment is likely to be perceived as a threat to his or her authority. Once you challenge his or her authority, you will likely cause the narcissistic personality to cling to it more tightly than before.

      • By directly saying, “I don’t like your taste” or “Let’s not do what you want,” you provoke a serious conflict. Avoid criticizing the narcissist whenever possible. When this is not possible, keep your criticism as subtle as possible so that the narcissist does not become defensive.

   4. Don't play the blame game. When something goes wrong, don't point at the narcissist—even when it's his or her fault—and don't let the narcissist point at you. Immediately end any discussion of guilt by immediately redirecting the narcissist's attention elsewhere. The narcissist's ego will not allow even a hint that he or she is the guilty party, so it is best for you to avoid such a discussion entirely.

      • Building on the previous example, consider a situation in which the sales numbers don't add up because of the narcissist. This individual will not take the blame and will probably try to transfer it onto you. After you quickly defend your belief that the mistake is not yours, turn the conversation in a different direction - say that it is more important to worry about correcting the mistake now.
      • This method will work even more effectively if you find a way to compliment the narcissistic personality when you move the conversation. For example, you might say something like, “No matter what happened, the numbers are wrong and need to be corrected. I know things will go smoother and faster if you help me with your insight."

   5. Reassure the narcissist that this will benefit him or her. One of the easiest ways to convince a narcissistic person to take a particular course of action is to suggest that it will benefit them. The narcissistic mind perceives everything from the perspective of self-interest, so it makes sense that whatever is good for the narcissist is good in general.

      • To be even more effective, understand what the narcissist is most proud of and appeal to that quality.
      • For example, if the narcissist is particularly pleased with his intelligence and you need to convince him to adopt a certain work strategy, talk about other smart people who have made similar decisions at other companies and have achieved excellent success. At the same time, mention the others who did not accept such changes and ended up being fools. Thus, the narcissist may perceive this strategy as another way of demonstrating his superior intelligence.

   6. Give the narcissist a choice. Since the narcissistic personality needs a sense of control, you need to make this person feel that he or she has power over the decision-making process in any situation. Instead of telling the narcissist that he or she must to do something, ask the narcissist which of several options he or she would preferred.

      • For example, instead of saying, “We are meeting for a project discussion on Tuesday afternoon at 3 p.m.,” ask, “What time on Tuesday afternoon would you like to have a project discussion?”

   7. Let the narcissist rest on his laurels. Anyone who knows a narcissist knows that he or she usually takes credit for the decision, even if someone else came up with it. As annoying as it may be, whenever possible, give the narcissist the opportunity. In fact, another very effective way to convince narcissists to do things your way is to trick him or her into thinking that everything is being done the way they want.

      • If you are worried that your merits will go unnoticed by someone important - a leader, for example - try talking to this person in private about how everything really happened.
      • At first you may lose people's trust, but over time, as more people in your social or professional group begin to recognize the narcissist, they will realize that the narcissistic personality does not do half of what he boasts about. Once this understanding is established, many will begin to see between the lines and notice that it was you who came to the decision, and not the narcissist.