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We all often want to make not just a good, but a stunning first impression. And we know that for this we need to behave casually, call the interlocutor by name and avoid closed poses.
But, you must admit, sometimes this is not enough. It seems that your behavior is natural, and your arms are not crossed, but Marya Ivanovna still considers you not a match for her son. So what else is needed?
1. Pygmalion effect
Often, in the company of unfamiliar people, we try to show our best side. We worry, we try to hide it, we worry even more and as a result we hide in the corner, dreaming of quickly being at home in our favorite crib. Here psychologists recommend taking note of the Pratfell effect, according to which The best way to win the favor of others is to show vulnerability, weakness, minor oversight.
In this regard, we could not help but recall the talented Jennifer Lawrence, who fell in front of almost the entire world for three years in a row, but her popularity did not suffer from this at all, quite the contrary. Although, of course, the actress’s talent played a decisive role in this.
3. Similarity Attraction Effect
Experts in the field of networking (establishing useful contacts) offer the following scenario for dialogue with the person you want to please:
- "You". After shaking hands and introducing each other, it would be appropriate to ask some general question in which you ask the opinion of the interlocutor:
How's the weather? How was the ride? How do you feel? - "You". At this stage, it is important to find those same connecting threads in order to find out more about your counterpart.
- "I". Here you should tell something about yourself, of course, focusing on the interests of your interlocutor.
- "You". People remember most the first and last thing they heard. Therefore, when ending a conversation, let your opponent speak. This way he will remember you as a sensitive and attentive interlocutor.
7. Name of the interlocutor
Often we do not address our interlocutor by name because we do not remember him. Here's what you can do to avoid calling Marya Ivanovna Marina Ippolitovna:
- When your interlocutor says his name, look into his eyes and try to remember their color.
- If you can, come up with an association with the name (flower, movie character, literary hero).
- Compare your new friend with a person who has the same name.
- After a few minutes, try to address him by name.
And, although you already know this, let us remind you: during a conversation, address your interlocutor more often by name, because a person associates it with comfort, warmth, and trust.
8. Distance
Most likely, you know people who, at any opportunity, even a request to borrow a stapler, come so close that you can feel their breath. Intuitively, at such moments we take a step back or to the side. All because the optimal distance between unfamiliar people should be at least 1.2 m (4 steps).
By getting to know each other better, you can reduce this distance, but first you should check whether the interlocutor will be comfortable. Ask him to give you something, and if all is well, he will put a shorter distance between you.
How to start a conversation and attract attention? How to get to know your interlocutor better? How to influence colleagues and friends?
Everyone asks these questions. We want to be interesting and popular, but we don’t even know that people evaluate us in the first minutes of communication. In order to be considered a good and pleasant interlocutor, you don’t need much: just knowledge of the basic rules.
Play on St. this territory
The first rule is to be natural and don't pretend. This means that if you do not want to be at a certain meeting, then you do not need to go to it. Because then you will have to pretend that you feel great, although this is not true.
We behave differently in different environments. For example, when having lunch together in a cafe, we can be cheerful and sincere, but at scientific conferences we can withdraw and simply feel out of place.
This doesn't mean you're a withdrawn and boring introvert. Each person has his own places and companies in which he feels comfortable and can be himself.
The book contains an interesting list called “Smeared with Honey.” I present it to you below.
In what places do you enjoy spending time with others? Which ones do you not like to be in?
There is no need to force yourself to attend events that you do not like. Try to go where you like more often. You have every chance to prove yourself and achieve success.
Spark Conversation
The author, Vanessa, tells in the book how one day, while waiting to appear on a television show, she met one of her favorite writers - Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the book Eat, Pray, Love. While she was vainly thinking of a question to start the conversation, another guest sitting in the same room smiled at them both and asked: “Do you like soup?”
It was a great conversation starter that resulted in a lively and fun discussion. The person who asked about the soup was a chef who was preparing to publish a cookbook about soups.
Surely you know all these boring, routine questions that are asked in attempts to start a conversation. "How are you? What do you do? Where are you from?".
It's very boring, but we stick to the same script just out of habit. We use boring phrases because you don’t need to leave your comfort zone: they are more reliable. But nothing sparkling ever happens in the comfort zone.
If you want to be remembered by your interlocutor as an interesting person, ask him fresh questions that strike communication sparks. The author of the book calls them “conversation starters.” They spark new ideas, raise topics that no one else would have thought of, and start deep discussions.
Here, for example, is a list of the best “conversation starters.” You can come up with your own. 
Look for topics that will interest your interlocutor, seem fascinating to him, and strike a spark. This is much more interesting than communicating with boring and hackneyed phrases.
Be the spotlight
Being someone's spotlight is another way to add freshness and sincerity to an interaction. You bring out the best in your interlocutor by highlighting his strengths. This has nothing to do with flattery, much less fawning. Rather, you're trying to focus on what you think is really worth it and start a really good conversation.
There is one famous myth about the Greek sculptor Pygmalion. Pygmalion carved an ideal and very beautiful woman from ivory and fell in love with her. After praying to the goddess of love Aphrodite, his statue came to life and he married this girl.
The myth of Pygmalion is a story about how expectations become reality. In other words, great expectations bring greatness. Psychologists have discovered that such ideas are not a myth at all. This phenomenon is called the “Pygmalion effect.”
When some voters are told that they are more “politically active” than others (even if they are completely randomly selected), they are later found to turn out 15% higher than the control group.
When hotel maids are told that they have a very difficult job that burns a lot of calories, they start burning more calories.
We remember those who gave us good impressions and feelings, as well as those who, with their words, make us want to become better. You can improve your communication with others while expecting optimal results. Lift the other person's spirits by listening to them, highlighting their strengths, and trying to see the best in them. If you shine a spotlight on these qualities in another person, you yourself will become the center of attention.
Look for threads
In any communication, you need to find common ground. Each such thread that connects you with your interlocutor makes you closer. The more of these threads, the more socially attractive you become. Here's how you can use this theory to connect with new people.
The theory of connecting threads is the basic principle of communication of any kind. It will help you burst into conversation during a cold call, when writing letters to a stranger, and when meeting for the first time. Imagine that each person has a large ball of thread in his hands. These are his thoughts, ideas and opinions. We often wish that what is going on in our heads had a more structured appearance. But, as a rule, our thoughts are confused - especially if we were invited to an event and we just entered the hall. At this moment we can think about urgent matters, a receipt for paying for parking, about what we would like for dinner, about a nice guy who is standing in the far corner of the hall, about pain in the neck, about where to hang our coat - I think , do you understand what I'm talking about. We all have this tangle of thoughts. 
The thread theory is an incredibly simple way to start a conversation and will always give you a few ideas to keep the conversation going. The more common themes, that is, threads, you find, the longer your communication will last - and the more sympathy you will arouse. 
People: mutual acquaintances are the best way to find similar interests. You can spice up the conversation by trying to find mutual friends.
Context: Think you have nothing in common? Remember what brought you to this meeting. Maybe you're both on LinkedIn or both attending a conference. To start a conversation, you just need to find out about the motives.
Interests: common interests are the best connecting threads: you can come up with a topic that you both understand, it will bring back many amazing stories and will be the key to a great mood.
Here are some good opening phrases. 
The thread theory gives you an endless supply of topics to talk about. You will always have something to say. Just find the common ground, and then unwind the tangle with the help of the question “why”.
In addition, from the book “The Science of Communication” you will learn:
What are "hot keys" and how to use them.
How not to be offended
What fears prevent us from communicating with people.
And much more.
covers.
All other illustrations are taken from the book.
It is believed that first impressions are often deceiving. Surely, you have more than once encountered a situation when, when you met a person, you seemed uninteresting or arrogant, but later you changed your opinion about him for the better. Why is this happening? Due to a person’s inability to make a good impression when meeting someone. And you too may be such a person. We've put together ten tips to help you learn how to make a good first impression.
1. Usually, immediately after meeting, people around you want you to tell a little about yourself. Think about what is most important to you in life and talk about it. If not everything is going well for you in some area of your life, for example, you are still not married or you do not have children, then you should skip the detailed description of your problems and focus your attention on what you do best. Everyone is interested in hearing about travel, unusual hobbies or an interesting profession.
2. Show general friendliness. If your friends have already described in detail all the shortcomings of your interlocutor, stop constantly thinking about them, and give yourself the opportunity to form your own idea of the person. It's no secret that we behave differently with different people. Perhaps this person, whom you give in advance a chance for a good attitude on your part, will one day become the most significant and beloved for you.
3. Despite the advice, do not try to remember the names of new acquaintances. It is better to keep in your memory the first impression of them, because it is usually the most correct.
4. When you talk about yourself for the first time, do not mention the names of your friends and relatives. If you communicate in the same professional circle or have similar interests, there is a high probability that your friends are known. Therefore, they may form an opinion about you based on what your friend is like. After all, most people know that like is drawn to like, so all the shortcomings and unseemly actions of your friends will be attributed to you.
5. Don't reveal your dreams and plans for the future. Despite the fact that this goes without saying, many girls make this mistake. They often do this because they cannot boast of anything significant or outstanding in real life, so they believe that they can begin to be respected because of their ambitions.
6. When communicating, you should not switch to any narrow topics of conversation. Also, you should not express your attitude towards various figures of art or politics. Most importantly, you should not give your assessment to people whose behavior seems unacceptable to you. You don’t know who is really in what relationship. Besides, you don't know the past of your new friends. In the modern world, tolerance and loyalty are most valued. So try to look like just such a person.
7. Restrain your emotions if you categorically do not like the new company. It is better to politely avoid upcoming meetings than to quarrel, argue or prove something on the first day of meeting.
8. Don't brag. It is quite possible that in the area in which you are proud, your interlocutor has achieved much more, but is simply being modest and does not mention it.
9. Under no circumstances should you push for pity, complain about others or ask for anything on the first day of meeting someone. Believe me, not every person is ready to solve the problems of the first person they meet. Therefore, you will not cause anything but irritation.
10. Try not only to answer questions, but also to ask them. Moreover, ask not out of respect, but ask what you really want to know. If you want to ask something personal, then do it only if you have not been embarrassed to ask you about something similar before.
A confident person is perceived by others as friendly. If people feel comfortable and safe in your company, they will be more likely to talk to you. Therefore, you need to learn to send signals of friendliness and sociability.
Arthur Wassmer, author of Making Contact, came up with the acronym SOFTEN to help people remember how to send friendly signals. Agree, it’s nice to always have a simple way to cope with anxiety at hand. In this case, we use the prefrontal cortex to manage the emotional expressions of our more primitive and emotional brain. The method may seem simple, but it is based on the opposition between reason and emotions within us.
So, let's decipher the abbreviation. Let these rules help you better manage nonverbal cues.
1. Smile
There is nothing unexpected in this advice. But how long have you seen your smile in the mirror? Sometimes what you think is a smile, people perceive as a smirk or something worse. You think you're smiling, but your eyes are fixed and your mouth is twisted in a funny way. Take a good look at your face when you're in real. You will notice that your entire face lifts, especially the muscles around your eyes.
If you smile only with your mouth, like cartoon characters, it looks insincere. Practice in front of a mirror to understand what facial expressions help you appear friendly and cheerful. Better yet, study a photo of yourself without embellishment (but not a staged selfie) to understand how others see you. You have more than once read the emotions of other people from their faces, so you will definitely cope with this task.
Smile sincerely when meeting people, otherwise you will be remembered as gloomy and gloomy.
2. Take an open pose (Open Posture)
An open posture is a posture in which your body is turned towards the person with whom you are communicating. The arms and legs are not crossed, the head and body are facing the interlocutor. Straighten your shoulders and turn your feet towards him. Just don't stand at attention, or you'll appear tense. Be casual: be open, friendly and “unarmed.”
3. Lean towards the interlocutor (Forward Lean)
During a conversation, lean towards the interlocutor or move closer to him. This will also express sympathy for the words of the interlocutor. (In English, the word list, which is similar to the verb listen, means “to lean in.”) With this gesture, you show that you want to better understand the point of view and feelings of the interlocutor. To end a conversation, simply take a step back or move away from the other person. If a tall person does not bend over and lower his head to make it easier to communicate, the interlocutor feels alienated and even a kind of contempt.
If you are that tall person, you may not notice it until someone tells you. Remember to lean towards people when talking.
4. Touch the other person (Touch)
The topic of touching will be especially interesting for men. But let's be careful. Touch people only when it feels appropriate; If in doubt, don't do it. Each culture has its own rules about when and what parts of the interlocutor’s body can be touched. So be smart about touching and do your research. For example, in America, kissing and hugging when meeting people is excluded. You can only lightly touch the other person's arm - from the elbow to the shoulder (but do not grab it!). You say, “If there are so many rules, why even talk about touching?” The fact is that touch is an important nonverbal signal for effective communication.
Perhaps the most important form of physical contact in society is. Take this gesture seriously. Rest assured: people remember your handshake from the first meeting. A handshake is a form of greeting and establishing contact. Take the time to learn how to shake hands correctly. (Girls, I have a special message for you. Ask someone to honestly evaluate your handshake. You will not be taken seriously if, when meeting you, you extend a limp hand, like a soft rag, and expect that the interlocutor will shake it himself.)
If you are sitting, you need to stand up to shake hands. Women and men of higher social status and senior positions usually extend their hand first. A woman's handshake is no different from a man's. (When shaking hands, make sure your palm is not stained with the grease of the chicken wing you recently had for lunch.)
When extending your hand for a handshake, point it so that the part of your palm between the thumb and forefinger touches the same part of the other person’s palm. Then shake his hand. I advise you to practice with friends first.
The quality of communication depends on how you behave during the conversation. Learn to greet and introduce yourself by looking the other person in the eye and remembering their name. And smile. There is so much to consider! Now do you understand why it is better to practice at home first? Observe how others behave during a conversation, put yourself in their place and play out these situations in your imagination. This will bring more benefits than you can imagine. Once you succeed, it's done. Once you learn it, you will never lose this skill.
5. Make eye contact (Eye Contact)
Eye contact is not a fleeting glance, but it is not a long staring game either. You study the other person's face and pick up visual cues that convey the meaning of his words and his emotions. Every person's face is capable of expressing many emotions, and you can learn to "read" people by their faces. Through eye contact you show that you are open to communication. After all, when describing a friendly person, we say that he has an “open face.”
Making eye contact helps you focus on the other person, demonstrates openness and friendliness, and communicates your responsiveness. If you usually look away, try to catch the other person's gaze next time. Otherwise, you create a serious obstacle to the development of relationships.
In my office, I sometimes record conversations with clients so they can gain perspective. They are shocked by what they see: while talking, they look at the ceiling or their knees. Do you think they are aware of where their gaze is directed? They have no idea! They are focused on their thoughts, and not on the face and reactions of the interlocutor, which, of course, repels the latter. Those who cannot look people in the eyes are usually the last to hear about all the news, because they do not strive for mutual understanding with others. You may now realize that these words apply to you too. Surprised? You probably need help breaking your habit of hiding your eyes.
The eyes can express uncertainty or indifference. But it's better not to look into your eyes for too long. A long, direct gaze implies aggression and makes people feel uncomfortable. This fear is biological in nature and is inherited by us from our animal ancestors. If you go to Rwanda to see wild gorillas, you will be advised to avoid direct eye contact, especially with males. Otherwise, they may feel threatened and attack.
In addition, eye contact is also a sign of a very close relationship. Have you ever seen ? Notice how long and carefully they look into each other's eyes and how dilated their pupils are. This is the ultimate manifestation of a strong emotional connection.
How to learn to look people in the eyes more often?
- During your next conversation, intentionally look the other person in the eye. Of course, this will not be easy to do. Old habits resurface when you are fully engaged in a conversation. But try anyway. (It's very creepy to talk to a wall - please don't be one.)
- Try looking at the person's eyebrows or the bridge of their nose. This is almost eye contact and a good start. Gradually you will get rid of lowering or averting your eyes.
I want to warn you: if you look at the room behind your interlocutor’s back, he will definitely perceive this as your reluctance to communicate. He may be offended or even offended (more on how to politely end a conversation in Chapter 17). Give the person your full attention while you are communicating with them. If during a conversation you are looking for someone else with your eyes, be sure to inform your interlocutor about this, even if he does not know the person you are looking for. Politely say:
- “Sorry, I’m a little distracted: I’m trying to find my wife.”
- “I need to talk to Martina before she leaves. I hope you don’t mind if I look around from time to time.”
- “If you spot the bride before me, please let me know. I want to dance with her before I go."
I often use large photographs that hang in my office to teach eye contact when speaking or public speaking. I ask clients to retell a fragment of their story: while pronouncing the phrase, they should look into the eyes of the person in the photo. Then you need to look at the next photo and say another phrase. And so on.
Practice making eye contact with people in photographs. I agree, this method may seem strange, but it will help you become more confident. And most importantly, you will get rid of the habit of looking at one point or averting your eyes during communication. Keep practicing until you get the hang of it: doing the exercise once is not enough.
6. Nod (Nod)
A nod is a physical response to a statement. Light nods are calming and encouraging: they show that you are listening to your interlocutor and understand what he is talking about. If you don't express agreement with your body language, the other person will feel uncomfortable. You will look indifferent and arrogant, which, of course, will be counterproductive.
Let's list the six simple rules (SOFTEN formula) again:
- Smile;
- Take an open posture;
- Lean towards your interlocutor;
- Touch your interlocutor;
- Make eye contact;
- Nod.
Many people have told me that these rules have helped them realize their ability to be friendly and helpful. They have learned to worry less about how others perceive them and to pay close attention to whether they are sending friendly signals. By following these rules, you:
- control your unconscious behavior in order to appear friendly and sociable to others;
- control yourself and purposefully send signals that attract people to you and help them trust you;
- turn Them into Us.
We did a great job!
There are many situations in life when we want to be sure that we have made the most favorable impression on a new interlocutor. How can we form a positive image in the eyes of our counterpart without losing ourselves?
Be yourself
Don't try to be someone you're not. This applies not only to false information that distorts the real state of affairs, but also to attempts to appear lighter and more cheerful - such deliberateness, as a rule, is read by the interlocutor as insincerity. “Just because being funny isn't your strong suit doesn't mean you'll make a worse impression,” says psychotherapist Carlin Flora. – Don’t betray your nature – your introverted qualities compensate for what you think you might be lacking. This is attentiveness to the interlocutor, the ability to listen and understand him.” Just try to monitor your speech - nervousness sometimes makes us speak faster, which immediately reveals excitement and uncertainty, leaving a bad impression. “However, the advice to ‘be yourself’ should not always be taken literally,” adds Carlene Flora. – For example, you should never show your gloomy mood. After all, it spreads like an infection - your interlocutor, in turn, will feel uncomfortable.”
Pay attention to yourself
Focus on yourself and your feelings shortly before your first meeting with someone new to you. This can be any method that is closest to you that helps you meet your inner “I” and feel balance: a short meditation, prayer, or simply remembering a moment when you felt especially happy or very calm. “Such visual images that we evoke in our imagination set us up for a wave of openness and trust in the world, giving us self-confidence. People tend to feel this sense of internal balance in the interlocutor and involuntarily begin to feel sympathy for him as a harmonious person,” says Thomas Plante, a professor of psychology and psychiatry at Santa Clara University.
Language of the body
People don’t necessarily need to read psychological advice to recognize the state of their interlocutor in gestures and facial expressions - they often feel it subconsciously. A person who makes eye contact during a conversation and does not constantly look away will receive much more trust. This immediately becomes an unspoken manifestation of interest and trust in the partner. At the same time, you communicate that you would like to keep your distance if you take certain positions. “It’s worth paying attention to the position of your arms and hands,” says Thomas Plaint. – Hands crossed on your chest immediately reveal your unwillingness to get closer. This is the worst hand position when meeting for the first time. One hand is on the chest, and the palm clasps the other hand - the so-called incomplete barrier - a less demonstrative pose, which, however, also speaks of a desire to isolate oneself from the interlocutor and an inability to trust him. It is also worth trying to get rid of the habit of squeezing your hands. One of the gestures that expresses the openness of a partner is open hands. After all, when a child is lying or hiding something, he puts his hands behind his back. An adult in such a situation usually hides his hands in his pockets or intertwines his fingers.”
It is also extremely important to maintain distance. You should not sit too far from your interlocutor if you are sitting at a common table. The very distance between people communicating can show how much they want to contact each other. Approaching you indicates that the person wants to be emotionally closer. However, one should take into account that people have an “intimate zone”, intrusion into which can cause discomfort. Therefore, you should not be too close to the person you are talking to, and if you do not hear something due to loud music or extraneous sounds, lean in so as to avoid eye contact. It is best if your gaze is directed over the shoulder of the interlocutor.
Greeted by clothes
The well-known saying, according to which we are greeted by our clothes - that is, the external and expressive manifestation of our “I” - has a deep psychological meaning. Research confirms this folk wisdom. It is worth carefully considering your appearance and in the case when you do not know your counterpart very well, at the first meeting, both professional and romantic, maintain a certain middle ground. And if you usually like to experiment with the image, then for this case it is better to stick to the most laconic and natural image.
Don't be a narcissist
Freeze
Despite the fact that the first impression is, of course, very strong, do not be afraid to correct the situation if you have made a mistake. For example, you came to a party in a nervous state because of what happened on the way (you were upset by an unexpected call, you damaged your car) and because of this, you paid almost no attention to the people to whom you were introduced. Having calmed down a little, you saw a person you like, but you don’t dare approach him again. “Don’t be afraid to break the ice, the main thing is to show that you are aware of everything and regret such an unsuccessful start,” says Carlin Flora. – It is best to honestly explain (if possible with ease and humor, without going into details unnecessary for the interlocutor) what happened to you. And after that, move the conversation to another topic.” “How you break up is just as, and often more important,” says Thomas Plaint. – Our impression of a person is formed not only from the first signals that we read when meeting, but also from those that we receive when parting. They are the ones who consolidate or modify the image created by the imagination.”
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