Ways to resolve conflicts in the family. Family conflicts, their causes and methods of resolution. Typical family conflicts

Understanding the causes of family quarrels and conflicts, and having examined their typology, let us consider ways to resolve conflicts. First of all, to successfully resolve disagreements that arise, you need to have the desire to resolve them. This is where you need to start. Sometimes marital conflicts are not resolved simply because of reluctance to do anything. In order to want to resolve family disagreements, you need to take responsibility for both the well-being and problems in the family. Understanding the fact that in any conflict both sides are to blame, the desire first of all to see and take on one’s own guilt, and not to blame the other, is an important factor in ensuring that intra-family conflicts are constructive and not destructive.

The attitude of the spouses to solve problems, search for peace and harmony will help achieve what they want. The initial attitude plays a big role. Since, if desired, almost any intra-family situation can become conflicting, an important factor in resolving most conflicts is the behavior of the spouses during the conflict. So, if partners easily react to any contradiction that arises, fixate on it, try to explain or prove that they are right to the other, then there is a conflict. But if unpleasant situations are discussed calmly and kindly, the spouses do not try to find which of them is right and who is wrong, each of them strives to reconcile, and does not wait for the other to do it - the frequency and severity of conflicts decreases.

Unfortunately, many married couples perceive the discussion of any family problems not as a search for a solution that is best for both, but as a duel, a battle in which it is important to prove that you are right at any cost. When family communication turns into rivalry, it becomes not a path to rapprochement, not a source of joy, but a way to “score points” in an absurd competition with each other, which often ends in divorce. So half the success in overcoming stress depends on a positive attitude.

When choosing a conflict resolution strategy, the choice of means to resolve it is important. If a conflict arises, spouses, as a rule, look for means by which it could be eliminated. However, often the chosen means lead to conflicts either intensifying (even to the point of family breakdown) or persisting for a long time, making the marriage unstable. But if the conflicts have disappeared, then the spouses have the right to believe that they have found the right means of family interaction.

The means used by spouses when interacting can be considered moral or immoral. Means that degrade human dignity, divide and separate people, weaken their family ties and lead to conflicts and divorces are immoral. Therefore, when spouses resort to mutual reproaches and accusations, they drive themselves into a corner. The use of specific advantages to exert pressure (economic, sexual, etc.) also leads to an increase in the gap between spouses. Sometimes, wanting to encourage the second party to solve the problem, the first party threatens to go to their parents or divorce. This also does not contribute to a better solution to the situation, in this way you can even push your family towards disintegration. Therefore, when choosing means of communication in order to correct the spouse’s behavior, it is necessary to observe the measure. This measure in the choice of means is easy to feel by whether the conflict is intensifying, the relationship between spouses is deteriorating, or the conflict has begun to smooth out.

Consciously and unconsciously, people try to solve their problems in different ways. For some people this is quite successful, but for others it is quite the opposite. The behavior of the parties to the conflict is very diverse. J. G. Scott identifies the following strategies, which differ in the degree of effectiveness of conflict resolution:

• 1. Dominance is characteristic of those who show authoritarianism in the family, suppressing the desires, interests and feelings of the other. Focus only on your own interests. This strategy is acceptable only in the most critical situations, when you urgently need to take steps to save a life or something similar (for example, during a fire, when you need to evacuate a family from the premises).
• 2. Withdrawal or avoidance is characterized by abandonment of one's interests and unwillingness to meet one's partner halfway. By avoiding solving problems, people only make the situation worse, as unresolved problems return and accumulate. The problems that we ignore will return to us, but in the most unfavorable circumstances. This method can be considered successful in moments of emotional stress, and then only for a while, and then it is necessary to return to resolving the conflict.
• 3. Compliance, as a renunciation of one’s interests and a willingness to meet a partner halfway. Sometimes this solution will be acceptable: in order to achieve peace, give up your claims. But when any conflict is resolved in this way, it leads to chronic frustration of one of the partners, asymmetry of relationships, an imbalance in the distribution of rights, responsibility, power, and a decrease in the stability and stability of family functioning.
• 4. Compromise between the parties to the conflict is a fairly good way to achieve a solution to the problem. It is characterized by the desire of both to find mutual understanding through mutual concessions.
• 5. Cooperation is similar to a compromise, but is characterized by the search for a solution that best suits the interests of both partners. Cooperation promotes personal growth of conflict participants, increases the overall level of their communicative competence, opening up a fundamentally new way of interaction in a conflict situation. As a result of resolving the conflict in this way, the relationship between spouses becomes even closer and warmer.

There is a so-called “family council” model, proposed by T. Gordon, as an effective model for resolving conflicts. The central idea of ​​the “family council” model is the thesis that in a conflict situation, whatever it may be, whatever the reasons it was initiated, there should be no “winners” and “losers.” Finding out the causes of the conflict, identifying its culprit and initiator will not help solve the problem, but will only aggravate it. A constructive approach consists of finding a solution to the problem based on the principle of equality of all parties to the conflict, regardless of age and role position in the family. This model represents six main stages of problem solving:

• 1. Identification and definition of conflict as a consequence of the contradictory motives and interests of family members (verbalization and awareness of the essence of the conflict in the process of discussing the problem with the whole family).
• 2. Generating and registering all possible alternatives for resolving the problem, regardless of how satisfactory they are to the parties to the conflict. At this stage, there is a rule of non-judgmental acceptance and a ban on criticism of any, even the most incredible decisions.
• 3. Discussion and evaluation of each of the alternatives proposed at the previous stage. Rule: an alternative is not accepted if at least one of the participants does not agree. To optimize the decision-making process, in particular, the technique of “I” statements is used, which allows some participants in the conflict to more clearly state their position, avoiding reproaches, accusations and condemnation from others. If, during a group discussion of the entire arsenal of proposals put forward, not one of them is accepted, then the discussion continues until a solution is found that suits everyone.
• 4. Choosing the best solution to the problem acceptable to all family members.
• 5. Developing ways to implement the decision, drawing up a specific plan for its implementation, including the responsibilities and duties of each of the participants, their actions, conditions for implementation, down to the details.
• 6. Determination of criteria for assessing the result of a family agreement, forms and methods of control and evaluation.

The need for full communication as a way to solve problems is noted by many experts in the field of family relations. This is the only way to solve family problems. There is only one way to solve family problems, conflict situations, and get rid of resentment - this is communication between spouses, the ability to talk to each other and hear each other. A protracted, unresolved conflict or quarrel usually hides an inability to communicate.

American psychologist J. Gottman, who specifically studied the process of family communication, identified interesting patterns of communication between spouses in conflict families. First of all, these families are characterized by excessive communication restrictions. Their members seem to be afraid to have their say, to express their experiences and feelings. Families with conflicts turned out to be more “silent” than those without conflicts; in them, spouses exchange new information less frequently and avoid unnecessary conversations, apparently afraid that a quarrel might inadvertently break out. In conflict families, spouses practically do not say “we”; they prefer to say only “I”. And this indicates the isolation of the spouses, emotional disconnection. Conflict families are families in which communication occurs in the form of a monologue. All this is reminiscent of a conversation between the deaf: everyone says his own, most important, painful thing, but no one hears him, because the same monologue sounds in response. Training in full communication skills should be the main task in overcoming conflicts.

It is worth paying attention to the conditions for successful interpersonal communication between spouses:

• 1. Openness, i.e. the absence of anything that spouses, for any fundamental reasons, keep from each other.
• 2. Confirmation of each other’s self-esteem during communication, i.e. Interpersonal communication in the family should contribute to the formation of a more positive self-image in each of the partners.
• 3. Active exchange of views, i.e. constant intense discussion with each other about what everyone is thinking and feeling.
• 4. Situational adequacy. This means that marital communication should take many different forms, but at the same time, how exactly the spouses will communicate at a given moment should be determined by the specific situation.

Psychologists offer the following rules for family communication:

• 1. Give in to each other.
• 2. Do not impose your views and judgments.
• 3. Respect each other.
• 4. Do not humiliate or insult each other, strive to see the good in each other first of all.
• 5. Manage your behavior, take into account each other’s mood.
• 6. Self-critically evaluate your actions and actions.

Analyzing the causes and types of conflicts, one general trend can be seen. Lack of communication, focus only on one’s own needs, lack of tenderness and general illiteracy in family matters create general conflict tension. In such an atmosphere, the family is in dire need of serious help. To resolve conflict situations, spouses need to learn to put the interests of their partner first. Respect, confidence in love on the part of both, expression of calm and tact will help in finding an acceptable solution. Spouses must constantly learn to communicate fully.

In a prosperous family there is always a feeling of joy today and tomorrow. In order to preserve it, spouses need to leave bad moods and troubles outside the door, and when they come home, bring with them an atmosphere of optimism and elation. If one spouse is in a bad mood, the other should help him get rid of his depressed mental state. In every alarming and sad situation, you need to try to catch humorous notes by looking at yourself from the outside. Humor and jokes should be cultivated in the home. If troubles arise, there is no need to be afraid; on the contrary, you need to try to consistently understand their causes.

Observing the basic principles of married life together allows you to avoid many mistakes:

• 1. Look realistically at the contradictions that arise before and after marriage.
• 2. Do not create illusions so as not to be disappointed. Life is unlikely to meet the standards and criteria that were planned in advance.
• 3. Don't avoid difficulties. Overcoming difficult situations together is a great opportunity to find out how ready both partners are to live according to the principle of a bilateral compromise.
• 4. Understand the psychology of your partner. You need to be able to understand each other, adapt and be able to please each other in order to live in peace and harmony.
• 5. Know the value of little things. Small but frequent signs of attention are more valuable and meaningful than expensive rare gifts, which sometimes hide indifference, infidelity, etc.
• 6. Be tolerant, be able to forget grievances. A person is ashamed of some of his mistakes and does not like to remember them. You should not remember something that once disrupted the relationship and that should have been forgotten long ago.
• 7. Be able to understand and anticipate the desires and needs of your partner.
• 8. Do not impose your demands, protect the dignity of your partner.
• 9. Understand the benefits of temporary separation. Partners can get tired of each other, and separation allows you to understand how much you love your soulmate, how much you miss her at the moment.
• 10. Take care of yourself. Carelessness and carelessness give rise to hostility and can lead to serious consequences.
• 11. Have a sense of proportion. First of all, emphasize the partner’s strengths, and then gently and in a friendly manner point out the shortcomings.
• 12. Be able to accept criticism calmly and kindly.
• 13. Be aware of the causes and consequences of infidelity.
• 14. Don't despair. When faced with a stressful situation in married life, it would be wrong to proudly separate and not look for a way out.

According to experts who study the family, compatibility between marriage partners is not always achieved and usually not immediately (Kovalev S.V., Sysenko V.A.). Any, even the most private aspect of internal, deep-seated incompatibility will inevitably manifest itself on the surface in the form of behavioral conflicts.

According to N.V. Grishina’s definition, a conflict is a bipolar phenomenon (a confrontation between two principles), manifesting itself in the activity of the parties aimed at overcoming contradictions, and the parties are represented by an active subject (subjects).

Conflict- this is a common feature of social systems, it is inevitable and inescapable, and therefore should be considered as a natural part of human life. Conflict can be accepted as a form of normal human interaction. It does not always and not everywhere lead to destruction; this is one of the main processes serving to preserve the whole.

The value of conflicts is that they prevent the ossification of the system and open the way to innovation. Conflict is a stimulus for change; it is a challenge that requires a creative response. In a conflict, there is undoubtedly a risk of destruction of relations, the danger of not overcoming the crisis, but there is also a favorable opportunity to reach a new level of relations, constructively overcome the crisis and gain new life opportunities.

Kovalev S.V. notes that happy families are distinguished not by the absence or low frequency of conflicts, but by their low depth and comparative painlessness and consequencelessness.

Types of conflicts.

In social psychology, the constituent elements of conflict are an objective conflict situation, on the one hand, and its images among the participants in disagreements, on the other. In this regard, the American psychologist M. Deutsch proposed considering the following types of conflicts:

1. A genuine conflict that exists objectively and is perceived adequately (the wife wants to use the spare room as a storage room, and the husband as a darkroom).
2. A random, or conditional, conflict that can easily be resolved, although this is not realized by its participants (the spouses do not notice that there is still space).
3. Displaced conflict - when behind the “obvious” conflict something completely different is hidden (arguing over a free room, spouses are actually conflicting because of ideas about the role of the wife in the family).
4. An incorrectly attributed conflict is when, for example, a wife scolds her husband for what he did while carrying out her own order, which she has already completely forgotten about.
5. Latent (hidden) conflict. It is based on a contradiction that is unconscious to the spouses, but which nonetheless objectively exists.
6. A false conflict that exists only because of the perception of the spouses, without objective reasons.

The real causes of the conflict are difficult to detect due to various psychological factors. Firstly, in any conflict, the rational principle is usually hidden behind emotions. Secondly, the true causes of the conflict can be reliably hidden and psychologically protected in the depths of the subconscious and appear on the surface only in the form of motivations acceptable to the self-concept. Thirdly, the causes of conflicts can be elusive due to the so-called law of circular causation (causality) of family relationships, which also manifests itself in marital conflicts.

Causes of marital conflicts.

V. A. Sysenko (1981) divides the causes of all marital conflicts into three large categories:

1. conflicts based on unfair distribution of labor (different concepts of rights and responsibilities);
2. conflicts due to unmet needs;
3. quarrels due to shortcomings in upbringing.

Regarding the first reason, it should be noted that the main thing in the distribution of family responsibilities is their consistency, as a result of which both traditional and egalitarian family models can be quite acceptable for family well-being if they satisfy both spouses. The search for this consistency can be fraught with conflict. A husband and wife may expect very different things from marriage and have different ideas about their family life. Moreover, the more these ideas do not coincide, the less stable the family is and the more dangerous situations arise in it. In such a case, we can talk about a mismatch of role expectations, a role conflict, or more broadly, a conflict of ideas.

If family members understand their roles differently and present each other with inconsistent, rejected by others, expectations and corresponding demands, the family is obviously incompatible and conflicting. The behavior of each person, which corresponds to his individual ideas about his family role, will be considered by him as the only correct one, and the behavior of the other partner, which does not meet these ideas, as incorrect and even malicious.

Closely related to these expectations and ideas are the needs that spouses would like to satisfy in marriage. If the ideas do not coincide, then the needs are in mutual disagreement: we strive to satisfy not those needs that are relevant for the other, and accordingly, we expect from him to satisfy those of our needs that he is not going to satisfy. Such a mismatch first turns into a hidden and then into an open behavioral conflict, when one of the spouses with his expectations and needs becomes an obstacle to satisfying the desires, intentions and interests of the other.

It is known that the family and marital needs of men and women are very different (Harley W., 1994). Age differences in family and marital needs were also discovered: if at a young age (20-30 years old) the emotional, sexual, spiritual side of relationships (sincerity and openness in communication) is most important for women, then at the age of 30-40 and 40-50 years, along with On the communicative side, the husband’s dedication to the family (the man’s fulfillment of paternal responsibilities towards children) becomes increasingly important, and after 50 years - financial support from the husband and help around the house (Andreeva T.V., Pipchenko T.Yu.

Conflicts in the family are also influenced by inadequate and contradictory family and marital ideas and expectations. In the psychological literature, three main reasons are identified for the discrepancy between family and marriage ideas of young people (Kovalev S.V.).

The first reason is due to the fact that our ideas about marriage and family become more refined and saturated with details, as the family becomes less and less consistent with the functioning pattern that has developed over centuries.

The previously existing scheme for transferring family experience from parents to children began to fail more and more often. Thus, according to a survey conducted in Estonia back in the mid-1970s, only 12% of newlyweds intended to completely follow the example of their parents in their relationships, about 60% intended to do this partially, and the rest saw their family as completely different from their parents’ family. (quoted from: Kovalev S.V.).

The second reason is that family and marriage ideas are currently very far from ideal. Research conducted in Vilnius showed that these ideas are often limited to one aspect of life, mainly household or sexual. It turned out that in most cases the responsibilities of the gender to which the interviewee belonged were discussed in more detail, rather than those of the opposite gender. The greatest discrepancy between young men and women emerged in their ideas about how to maintain good family relationships. Representatives of the stronger sex saw their main task in her material support, forgetting about the moral and emotional support that a husband is obliged to provide to his wife. In contrast, representatives of the fairer sex emphasized the importance of this support and discussed it in detail.

The third reason is that the conflict of ideas of young spouses can become aggravated and aggravated due to very poor knowledge of each other’s ideas. This happens, firstly, because during the period of premarital courtship they prefer to discuss any topics except those that directly relate to family relationships. Secondly, the very short duration of this premarital courtship prevents them from finding out each other’s ideas.

In marital relationships, the role of marital communications, communication skills and culture is very important (quoted from: Kovalev S.V.). V. Satir (1992) drew attention to illusions and traps in communication, which often lead to conflicts.

American researchers V. Matthews and K. Mikhanovich identify the 10 most important differences between happy and unhappy family unions. It turned out that in unhappy families, spouses:

1. do not think the same way on many issues and problems;
2. poorly understand the feelings of another;
3. say words that irritate another;
4. often feel unloved;
5. do not pay attention to others;
6. have an unmet need for trust;
7. feel the need for a person they can trust;
8. rarely compliment each other;
9. often forced to yield to the opinion of another;
10. wish for more love.

S.V. Kovalev argues that for the happiness of a family, a fairly limited set of purely psychological conditions is necessary:

• normal conflict-free communication;
• trust and empathy;
• understanding each other;
• normal intimate life;
• having a home.

V. A. Sysenko divides all relatively dysfunctional families into three types: conflict, crisis and problem.

Conflicting marital unions include those in which there are areas between the spouses where their interests, needs, intentions and desires constantly come into conflict, giving rise to particularly strong and lasting negative emotions.

Crisis ones are those where the confrontation between the interests and needs of the spouses is particularly sharp and affects important areas of the family’s life.

Troubled marital unions- who are faced with particularly difficult life situations that can cause a significant blow to the stability of a marriage: lack of housing and a long-term illness of one of the spouses, a long-term sentence, etc. However, the objective circumstances of the family’s life influence its well-being only through their subjective assessment by the spouses. In the specialized medical literature, there is the concept of “neurotic family”, used to characterize a family in which one spouse or both suffer from certain neuroses, and the latter leave a very noticeable and significant imprint on the marital relationship.

A. N. Kharitonov and G. N. Timchenko developed the author’s concept of the essence (definition and signs) of the difficulties of family relationships. According to the authors’ definition, difficult family relationships (family difficulties) are negative, destructive interpersonal relationships in the family, associated with dissatisfaction of basic needs and requiring additional efforts of each family member and the entire family group on the path to achieving harmony, maturity and normal functioning.

Generalized sign of family difficulties is expressed in dissatisfaction or fragmented satisfaction with the basic needs of family members (or at least one spouse) in the process of communication difficulties, dissatisfaction with marriage, and family life in general. Basic single signs of a difficult relationship:

1. Insufficient psychophysiological compatibility of spouses, including sexual compatibility, negative or unclear perception of physical attractiveness, acceptability of family members to each other.
2. Insufficient personal maturity of parents, children (or only spouses) in accordance with gender, age, role in the family. Personality indicators: the presence of intrapersonal conflicts, anxiety, immoderation, mental stress, symptoms of neurotic reactions, neuroses; behavioral difficulties, accentuated features; insufficient adequacy in the level of maturity of various personal spheres of a family member; incomplete adaptation in microsocial processes; difficulties in self-regulation of one’s states, feelings, behavior, etc.
3. Lack of mutual desire to satisfy the basic needs of husband, wife, children on the part of spouses and parents.
4. The predominant presence in contacts sleeping within the family of negative, destructive emotions and feelings, along with the presence of positive, constructive emotions and feelings.
5. Cognitive mismatch in perception, understanding, coincidence of values ​​of spouses, parents and children.
6. Rigidity, conflict, competition, uncompromisingness, poor adaptability in the interpersonal behavior of family members.
7. Difficult search for methods, methods, types of solutions to various problems in the process of the family life cycle (Kharitonov A.N., Timchenko G.N.).

The perception of conflict situations in married life, first of all, depends on the personal qualities of each spouse. Difficulties in controlling one's own behavior also arise in situations of constant overwork. Thus, married working women have inappropriate reactions in the home environment when they react sharply to the usual pranks or misdeeds of children, husband’s activities, etc.

Many conflicts can be chronic. Typically, chronic conflicts are associated with socio-psychological attitudes of the individual that develop throughout life. This may be a fundamental disapproval of some features of the lifestyle and behavior of the husband or wife. Behind chronic conflicts are unsatisfied needs and fundamental incompatibility of characters, socio-psychological attitudes, views, and life positions. They are characterized by depth and consistency. Most often, from the point of view of spouses, chronic conflicts are practically unsolvable and almost always represent a dangerous situation for marriage (V. A. Sysenko).

Many authors associate conflict in relationships with parental family behavior patterns. Thus, S. Kratochvil notes that an individual learns the male or female role to a large extent from his parents and tends to unconsciously use the model of parental relationships in his family, regardless of whether he likes them or not. Conflicts in young families are associated with differences in the rules that each spouse learned from their parental family. Thus, in some families it is customary to resolve conflicts immediately and emotionally, while in others it is customary to resolve them rationally and calmly, after first breaking up and calming down. As a result, people learn different ways of resolving conflicts in their ancestral families and behave the same way in their families, while everyone believes that they are resolving the conflict correctly, but the other side is not. Each believes that the other is breaking the rules. The same applies to rules regarding housekeeping, financial expenses (saving money or spending it immediately), raising children and many household details (Richardson R.W.). This also applies to the views accepted in ancestral families regarding the priorities of household affairs (ideal order, comfort, cooking) or raising children, their development, activities with children, their education. Many authors have noted greater stability and lack of conflict in families formed by partners from similar distribution of power, responsibilities and, in general, family structure and values ​​(Kratochvil S). This can also partly explain the greater stability observed by many authors in families formed by “immigrants” from the village: in many aspects of everyday life (who should do what, how to run the household, what is important and what is not).

Tactics for resolving marital conflicts

Speaking about resolving marital conflicts, V. A. Sysenko believes that it is necessary:

• maintain a sense of personal dignity for husband and wife;
• demonstrate mutual respect and deference at all times;
• try to arouse enthusiasm in the other spouse, restrain and pacify manifestations of malice, anger, irritability and nervousness;
• do not focus on the mistakes and miscalculations of your life partner;
• do not blame the past in general and past mistakes in particular;
• use a joke or any distracting technique to relieve or pause growing mental tension;
• resolve looming conflicts by diverting to other safe topics;
• do not torment yourself and your partner with suspicions of infidelity and betrayal, restrain yourself in manifestations of jealousy, muffling the suspicions that arise;
• remember that in marriage and family it is necessary to demonstrate extreme patience, forbearance, kindness, attention and other positive qualities.

In relation to family conflicts, it is useful to listen to the recommendations of specialists in conflict management and interpersonal communication training. Destructive tactics (ignoring, belittling the partner’s personality, egocentrism) should be avoided and positive ones should be used. For example, use the so-called active listening in interpersonal relationships - a system of actions that help focus the listener’s attention on the partner, activate the partner’s self-expression, perceive and understand what is said (and not said by him). Very relevant in family and marital relations is the use of emphasizing the importance of the partner (statements conveying to the partner messages that his contribution is valued, respected, grateful to him, admired by him), as well as emphasizing the commonality with the partner (statements stating the similarities between the speaker and his partner, common features, common positions, experiences, etc.).

American family psychotherapist Dean Delis demonstrates an interesting approach to conflict resolution. In his opinion, conflicts caused by the so-called “imbalance of objective circumstances” are the easiest to correct. By this term he understands tense situations that subside in families that find themselves in stressful situations, which D. Delis understands in a broad sense. This includes any changes, such as moving, the birth of a child, a wedding, changes in professional status, an accident, teenage rebellion, etc. The author includes the following tactics for resolving the imbalance of objective circumstances: firstly, you should blame the situation, not each other ( that is, it is necessary to realize the regularity of the changes in relationships); secondly, you should empathize with your spouse (try to take his position and express understanding of his difficulties); thirdly, one should negotiate to restore balance, avoiding vague sincerity. It is necessary to draw up specific and effective short-term and long-term plans to jointly change the situation that has arisen. D. Delis believes that there is always a way to improve a bad situation if partners take responsibility for finding the best way out and use non-accusatory communication tactics.

Structured family therapy techniques: “Memories” (memories reveal what is troubling a person at the moment), “Family photographs” (family structure, role behavior, etc.), “Family puppet interview” (the played story is associated with conflicts in family), “Draw a dream” (good for children), etc. Sociometric techniques: “Family sculpture” (family members show intra-family relationships by depicting a sculpture), “Family choreography” (family scene without words), etc. Behavioral techniques: “Marital Conference” and “Family Council”, etc.

Causes of conflicts in the family

Many family problems did not arise yesterday. Non-sex ny families, divorces, marital conflicts, problems alone qualities existed in the past, but did not attract such close attention. In addition, the person himself has become more demanding in love, in spiritual intimacy and mutual understanding, and sex.

But everyone has their own path to happiness. Marriage is not guarantees a person complete happiness, resolution of all problemsstraightaway. Marriage is about building a relationship with your spouse, childrenmi, relatives every day. The process of relationship building at the beginning of life together, that is mutual adaptation is necessary. An adaptation period is mandatory nal stage of family formation. It may last for years or be short. Much depends on desire, on the ability to go tomeet each other.

Adaptation of spouses presupposes psychological closenessand emotional, establishing contact between all membersfamilies, defining the rules of communication and community life.

It has already been said that people in families strive to satisfy the needs of love, children, understanding, etc. Most people take marriage seriously. They hope live a long and happy life together.

We will try to answer these questions in this chapter.

All people are not the same, and, as everyone knows, the attitude towards loveEveryone is different. Some people understand love as sexual intimacy,others - as spiritual closeness with a dear person, a friend. Many people put personal needs first and striveI want to use my husband or wife as a means of satisfying them.Such love is marked by a consumer mood. In normal families, spouses devote their lives to each other and children, strive to bring joy to a loved one, not intentionally upset anyone.

Young people often do not understand that family is a skilland the desire to give happiness to another person, a constant search ways to maintain relationships and love. It's a shame whengrievances have already filled the cup of patience and nothing can be returned.

How do conflicts arise?

Conflict is a clash of opposing opinionsviews, interests and needs. Each of us can highlight several reasons that cause frequent conflicts you're in the family:

Different views on family life;

Unmet needs and empty expectations;

Drunkenness of one of the spouses;

Infidelity;

Disrespectful attitude towards each other;

Reluctance to participate in raising children;

Domestic unsettlement;

Disrespect for relatives;

Reluctance to help around the house;

Differences in spiritual interests;

Selfishness;

Mismatch of temperaments;

Jealousy, etc.

These are not all the reasons that cause conflicts in the world.Mie. Most often there are several reasons, and the last one is notnew. Conflicts can be divided into two types depending on their resolution.

Creative -represents a certain terpeattitude towards each other, restraint and refusal to insultniy, humiliation; searching for the causes of conflict; mutuallyreadiness to conduct dialogue, efforts to change foldedexisting relationships. Result: friendly people are getting betterrelationships between spouses, communication becomes more constructive tive.

Destructive -constitutes insults, humiliation:the desire to “annoy”, to teach a lesson, to blame someone else. Result: mutual respect and communication with each other disappearsturns into a duty, often unpleasant.

It is worth recognizing that most destructive conflictsoccurs due to the fault of women. They are more likely than men to striveto do “out of spite”, “to take revenge”, “to teach a lesson”. Men are more likelyare trying to take the conflict to a creative path, i.e. finda constructive way out of a specific situation.

So, let's decide what is the basis for generating conflict in the family:

1. Unsatisfied need for self-affirmation.

2. The desire of one or both spouses to realize in marriageFirst of all, personal needs (selfishness).

3. Inability of spouses to communicate with each other, with relatives, friends and acquaintances, and work colleagues.

4. Strongly developed material ambitions in one or both spouses.

5. Reluctance of one of the spouses to participate in the management before farming.

6. The presence of inflated self-esteem in one or both spouses.

7. The reluctance of one of the spouses to raise children or a divergence of views on methods of education.

8. Differences in spouses’ ideas about the content of the roles of husband, wife, father, mother, and head of the family.

9. Misunderstanding as a result of reluctance to engage in dialogue.

10. Different types of temperament of spouses and inability to teachdetermine the type of temperament.

11. Jealousy of one of the spouses.

12. Adultery of one of the spouses.

13. Sexual coldness of one of the spouses.

14. Bad habits of one of the spouses and associated them consequences.

15. Special cases.

These conflicts will be discussed in this chapter. But especiallyBut I would like to note that any of the above conflicts has its own resolution and, with the right, interested approach, does not lead to a severance of family ties.

Ways to resolve conflict in the family

Often after quarrels, a crack in a relationship remains for a long time, it hurts like an unhealed wound. This leads to divorce or cooling of relationships. You cannot give up on such conflicts, you cannot forget, you cannot suffer habitually and submissively.

What needs to be done?

Try to follow the following rules.

1. Try to establish the cause of the conflict. But try Try to hear each other and understand each other correctly. Most often the reasonbecomes overgrown with non-existent claims and quibbles, for whichwhich do not see the true meaning of the conflict. Let firstsays the initiator of the conflict - the offended spouse. Often his claims are a kind of call for help; this is how the actions of the initiator should be assessed. Moreover, more often than not he wants to improve family relationships. Don't brush it off his emotional speeches, listen to claims and grievances without interrupting. But the initiator should also think about his words, not make vague reproaches, do not speak in hints. Clear Sforsimulated, sincere speech is the best assistant in resolving research of conflict.

2. Conflict is not a reason to insult or try to child another.Conflict should lead to constructiveconversation, to a business discussion of the problem. The goal is to establisha friendly atmosphere in the family, do not forget about thisfor a minute. Conflict and quarrel are not equal to battle. 'Cause victory is hereis not important, but it is important to improve relationships. In this regard, it is impossible allow personal insults and point out shortcomings. Betterdiscuss mistakes, miscalculations, misdeeds, and not personal shortcomingseach other. You cannot drag children, parents, whom, neighbors, friends. A third person will definitely, voluntarily or unwittingly, take some side, it is unlikely that outsiders people will be fair in assessing the situation. Unacceptable teaching tie in the conflict of the child, since he is the one who suffers more just from parents' quarrels. Also try to avoid aggressive high behavior and heightened emotional tone. If you If you behave calmly and restrainedly, it will be easier for you fight, as irritation will not occur.

3. In a conflict, the essence of disagreement is resolved, not distracted Repent from discussing the topic, do not try to figure out all the problems at once. May take a long time to figure out all disagreements. Discuss the most painful point of the relationship, thoroughly analyze all the nuances and errors. Do not ridicule your spouse’s opinion, even if it seems ridiculous or absurd to you. It is important to understand each other's position.

4. Look for a compromise. The conflict arises because the soupFriends have different opinions, interests and do not have the desire, and sometimes cannot, give in or give up on them. Therefore, the conflict often does not fade away for a long time. To get out of the situation, it is necessary to at least partially accept and fulfill the requests of your spouse. On the other hand, do not insist on the ideal, maximum fulfillment of claims, one must be content with at least partialnoah concession. Avoid childish stubbornness and outright selfishness Ma- this leads to big disagreements.

5. Show a sense of humor. Sometimes it helps smooth out conflict, but does not eliminate discussion of the problem. You can also sometimes remain silent or ignore your spouse’s attack, feeling that he is upset and anxious. Have the courage to admit

a mistake, if you made one, you need to come up and apologize. Do not escalate the conflict over a trifle, as it can turn into a protracted war.

A few rules for getting along in character

Rule #1.Try not to enter into conflict. Tell yourself if your spouse starts an argument: “Stop! Don't give in! Say a kind word, hug and kiss so that your spouse thaws and comes to his senses. Remember: first one or the other spouse should play the role of restrained and tolerant. Overcome your bad mood with something pleasant.

Rule No. 2.Don’t try to hide your offense or put it off until tomorrow. Talk about the essence of the conflict, do not bring up old sins.

Rule No. 3.Consider your spouse’s mood, even if you are sure that he is wrong. It may not coincide with yours, so try not to demand fulfillment of your desires when your spouse is in a bad mood.

Rule No. 4.Do not reproach in order to cause confusion and force you to fulfill this or that requirement. tion. Psychologists advise doing the opposite: “You want a reproach come on - praise! This advance can yield good results.

Rule No. 5.Before you tell your spouse about your grievance, think alone with yourself about what exactly doesn’t suit you. Often the cause of resentment is your fatigue and irritation.

Rule No. 6.Learn to put up with each other. Allegory will help here. Get involved in the common work, using the unifying words “we”, “our”, “with us”. Then sit down at the negotiating table, where mistakes will be admitted.

Rule No. 7.Show genuine interest in the person. Try to delve into what worries your spouse. This will help avoid quarrels.

Ten tips to improve your family life

For husbands:

1. Bring flowers to your wife from time to time, take care of her her, sometimes show minor signs of attention and tenderness.

2. Thank your wife for services, even if they are small.

3. Don't criticize your wife in front of strangers.

4. Sometimes admire your wife’s successes, praise her.

5. Give her money for housekeeping so she can spend it as she wishes.

7. Help around the house, cheer her up when she irritated, tired.

8. Allow you to accept signs of attention from friends and acquaintances, do not make jealous remarks.

9. Refrain from comparing with your mother or your friend's wife in matters of cooking and housekeeping.

10. Spend more time with your wife.

For wives:

1. Make an effort to communicate in a friendly manner with your relatives and your husband’s mother.

2. Refrain from criticizing his friends, give him complete freedom in his affairs.

3. Make concessions to avoid quarrels if views yours are diverging.

4. Make an effort to make your home attractive and cozy.

5. Dress according to your husband’s taste: the way he likes it.

6. Endure financial difficulties courageously, do not criticize your husband for mistakes.

7. Try to study your husband's interests.

8. Cook for your husband with pleasure, diversify the dishes, make surprises.

9. Live what your husband is interested in. Follow the news and new ideas of your husband.

10. Do not express dissatisfaction with when your husband gets up or goes to bed. Don't insist on sexual relations.

Of course, using these tips, you will not avoid conflicts in your family life, but there will be significantly fewer of them, and it will be much easier to resolve them.

Features of temperament and conflicts in the family

Each type of temperament is associated with a certain behavior of a person, manifested in his actions and actions. The combination of different types of temperament can cause constant conflicts in the family. Let's consider all types.

Choleric

This is an easily addicted person with violent emotional manifestations. He takes on any task energetically, but quickly cools down. Moves quickly, acts quickly. Cannot do monotonous work for a long time. Often able to get distracted and switch from one thing to another.

A choleric person cannot listen calmly and attentively to an interviewNika. Able to interrupt a conversation and interfere in the conversation of other people. Speaks loudly and quickly.

Such a person is capable of shouting at his interlocutor in a fit of anger, insulting him, but quickly calms down and, as if nothing had happened, can begin to talk again with the person with whom he had recently been desperately arguing. Choleric wants in any matter get quick results. He also definitely needs success. If this does not happen, the choleric person may switch off and do the work somehow.

Such a person quickly learns a new task. He is energetic, persistently strives for a goal, can easily and quickly cope with a task, the meaning of which is clear to him and the end result is interesting to him.

A choleric person often changes his mood, he can be uncontrollable and lose his temper over a trifle. If someone tries to point out his mistakes in a harsh manner, he begins

get angry, make a scandal. If such a person feels that a scandal can achieve satisfaction of his needs, he will strive for them and deliberately start quarrels.

Phlegmatic person

By nature he is calm and balanced. In conflict situations, he is calm and silent. His state of mind is not easy to understand and cannot be felt. He rarely is the initiator of conflict. Gives the impression of being "thick" leather." Often does not know how to communicate, is slow in society and at home. With limited time for work, he does not achieve success. It is quite natural that if such a person is scolded for slow behavior and punished for this, he will begin to feel inferior and believe that he is incapable of activity. This is how self-doubt develops and the attitude of failure worsens.

When forced, such people begin to believe that they are the worst at the task. All activity turns into a joyless chore, causing constant suffering.

Phlegmatic people are diligent and conscientious. They are difficult to turn onto work: such a person thinks about the matter for a long time, estimates it, and slowly gets down to it. But if he takes up a task, he is sure to bring it to the end and acts with zeal and diligence. But he cannot be accused of being slow, nor can he be urged to do his work.

It is more difficult to convince such a person of changes being made in his work, and it is also more difficult for him to understand innovations in his business. Therefore, interaction with him requires patience and endurance.

A phlegmatic person is reliable in any matter. You can rest assured about the work he was entrusted with. But he quickly loses faith in himself, therefore he often becomes a loser, unprepared for creative activity.

Phlegmatic people are always conservatives. They strive to maintain the existing style and living conditions. They are often afraid of change. A phlegmatic person is not capable of violent expression of feelings. Sudden mood swings scare him off, although he is capable ofdevoted and strong love. A phlegmatic person loves to be aloneat night: no one bothers him to think, no one rushes him, no one distracts him. He is freed from negative emotions that are caused by people who do not take into account the peculiarities of his temperament. Positive qualities that phlegmatic people have: hard work, accuracy, conscientiousness, patience, will, youperseverance, perseverance.

Melancholic

Impressionable, vulnerable, deeply sensitive to grievances Human. He is often withdrawn, shy, shy, and uncommunicative. When a melancholic person is upset, he can do unpredictable things. In stressful situations, such a person’s will is paralyzed, he becomes constrained, and sometimes insane. Poorly controls his behavior in this state.

Often such people develop suspicion, fear communication, desire for loneliness.

When offended, strong excitement occurs. Often a melancholic person has low self-esteem. He does not like changes in his life, because he is afraid that people will behave defiantly towards him and will offend him.

People of this temperament feel more comfortable, morefirstly, if others do not mock them or express unkind attitudes. In such a situation they are active, energetic. Achieve significant results in action telnosti. They must be protected from mental trauma.

Fear of insults and reproaches causes a melancholic person to need to work conscientiously and effectively. He himself will never look for a reason for a quarrel, will not provoke a conflict, so how it needs an environment devoid of psycho-traumatic factors torov.

Sanguine

Active man. Active and at the same time balanced, calm, he often smiles, acts openly and kindly. A sanguine person is an optimist; he passionately loves life in all its manifestations. Always busy with something, never sitswithout causes. He often does what he loves, that is, he has a hobby bi, to whom he devotes all his free time.

Such a person is often the life of the party, he is a communcable, easy to get along with people. Can always enthusiastically racetalk about your interests, believing that it will be of interest hurt those around you. Takes failures lightly, often not confidantexults, but can make claims if he feels that he isinfringed in a matter that interests him. Sometimes he only listens to yourself, not paying attention to the reproaches of your spouse. He thinks it's nothing.

Types of temperament cannot be divided into positive and negative. Moreover, people with pure temperament mi does not exist, and as people grow up, their temperament you are undergoing changes. But knowledge of temperament allowshelps to understand your partner’s behavior in the family, it helps to correct but choose a means of communication. Having determined the type of temperament, it is also possible to make a prediction regarding the characteristics of mutualrelationships, adjust the behavior of spouses.

For example, if both are phlegmatic, life will definitely be stable. Such couples rarely separate or divorce. Suchconflicts rarely occur in families. But they can often find Russia is in a state of cold war, so it is necessary to avoid lingering omissions.

If only one of the spouses is phlegmatic, and the other is choleric or sanguine, then a conflict may arise due to the fact that a phlegmatic person is not able to express feelings vigorously and may be scared off by the violent caresses of spouses with a different type of tempera cop. And then reproaches arise for insufficient love and withoutdifferences to the spouse. It is necessary to understand that such reproaches are unfair. are discreet and only lead to aggravation of the conflict. It is necessary to adjust the behavior of both spouses and find a compromise (See “Ways to resolve conflicts in the family”).

If both spouses are choleric, then you can expect increased conflict in the family. If only one of the spouses is choleric, and the other is phlegmatic, then hot temper and impatienceThey may come across the endurance and even mood of othersTogo. The choleric person calms down, and no quarrel arises. Although in favor Depending on the situation, he may break down and scream. This does not happen when the spouses have mutual understanding. If both spouses melancholic, then the situation may be complicated by the fact that they They deeply experience the events that happen around them. If a melancholic person encounters a choleric or sanguine person in the family field, then their harsh or inattentive word can lead to a cooling of the relationship between the spouses. You need to be careful in your statements.

Sanguine people take life quite easily. This may belead to conflicts based on jealousy, and may also ariseresentment due to a seemingly easy attitude to other people's problems.

Table 19Possible favorable and unfavorable alliances

Man Woman	Choleric	Phlegmatic person	Melancholic	Sanguine
Choleric
Phlegmatic person
Melancholic
Sanguine

“+” - positive (favorable), “-” - negativeny (unfavorable).

Of course, these combinations are only approximate, since temperament leaves its mark on upbringing. Therefore not a hundred It is possible to make a choice according to this table. It is given only to determine in which families, due to inconsistency If temperaments differ, conflicts may arise more often.

Give in!

If in a family both spouses or one of them does not know how to give in, is not able to take a step forward, then this is most often leads married couples to divorce. Psychologists believe that both spouses should give in. But the first one to give in will be the one whounderstands that confrontation leads to divorce. You cannot assume that giving in means being under the thumb, losing your individuality, pride, becoming unhappy in family life neither. Often this is formed in the family of parents, where the child is from defends his rights with shouts, silence, threats.

It is vitally important to learn self-control, the ability to convincedefend your point of view. It is also necessary to use logical arguments in the conversation and reduce emotionality speech. If you cannot convince your spouse, stop the useless argument. Do not turn family discussions into scandals, quarrels, youclarifying relationships. Learn to respect each other.

If your desire is aimed at installing a droneIf there is a pleasant atmosphere in the family, then it is necessary to give in to your spouseat least in terms of requirements.

There are situations in which the concession of one of the spousesgov is necessary, vital.

Here are some of them.

1. The spouse is depressed, experiencing difficult emotional crisis, feels insecure. Doesn't make contact anyway not because he is angry, but because he is offended and thinks that he is unloved and unhappy.

2. The spouse is indeed right in his claims, so he does not make contact. Be courageous, find strength within yourself admit a mistake, a mistake. Sometimes it is not enough for reconciliation so many words of love and simple attention. Sometimes a conflict needs to be resolved through a serious conversation. First The step is taken, of course, by the one who made the mistake.

3. Sometimes, in order to solve a complex problem, to get out of a protracted conflict, it is enough for one of the spouses tomake contact with others, as well as find a compromise, a way out current situation (see “Ways to resolve conflict in the family” and “Ten Tips for Improving Family Life” ) . Therefore, give in if you feel that the conflict is leading to a break in relations. thoughts, to divorce.

Remember that the stronger, the wiser often gives in a person capable of empathy.

Self-esteem

Every person from childhood has a certain ideatalking about yourself, about your strengths and weaknesses, about your possibilities. This idea develops throughout life. From childhood, parents evaluate the child, and later - the people around him. As a result of self-analysis and external reasons, given above, any person develops a self-esteem ka. It can be overestimated, underestimated and adequate. Self-esteem influences a person’s relationships with othersmi people and the choice of means of self-affirmation.

A person with low self-esteem is shy, hesitantLen, is wary of getting involved in different things. He evaluates his capabilities and successes below their real state. Here by The ability for self-criticism develops.

A person with high self-esteem is treated unkindly byrushes towards others. He often overestimates his realopportunities and successes. Such a person values ​​himself higher thanhe is appreciated by the people around him. It's hard to be such a personhappy because he is constantly dissatisfied with something - living conditions, environment, realization of one’s desires. To him It's not easy to change your self-image. This requires a lot efforts of both the person himself and loved ones. To change you need my time and sometimes the help of a psychologist.

It is also often difficult for a person with low self-esteem. Heafraid to engage in reality and communication. It seems to himthat he is haunted by failure, failure. Much of his life is associated with negative experiences. Often such a person has “eyesfor in a wet place”, bad mood, and this aggravates the negativerespectful attitude towards him. And the circle closes.

If the partner is considerate, does not make harsh remarks, does not pay attention to mistakes and tries to reassure the spouse, convince him that nothing terrible is happening and everything will be fine, then life can become happy and stable.

A spouse living with a person who has low self-esteemSo, you need to know: such a person is convinced deep down,that there is nothing to love him for, so he puts on a “mask”, tries to be cheerful, talkative, sometimes even arrogant. Take this behavior into account when communicating and solving problems.

A person with adequate self-esteem knows exactly what he is capable of and gets down to business when he is confident of success.

Psychologists are convinced that spouses with adequate self-esteemincapable of domination and subordination. They most often partners and are at the same level of development, support each other. This can be represented schematically like this:

Option 1

Then the life plan of the spouses, among whom one wife's self-esteem looks like this:

Option 2

Here it is necessary to strive for equalization of positions, forholding a spouse with low self-esteem. It wouldn't be out of place toread the article “10 Tips to Improve Your Family Life” andadhere to its recommendations for a certain period of time.

It is necessary to strive for partnership (option 1).

Scheme of the life of the spouses, among whom one is overpriced self-esteem looks like this:

Option 3

Here, too, it is necessary to strive for equalization of positions. Initially, it is necessary to talk about the current situation in order to For this, read the article “Ways to resolve conflict in the family.” After this, set certain rules under whichpartnership is possible and necessary. Distribute obligedproblems and discuss thoroughly the situations in which fussthere are misunderstandings. The process is long. It is necessary to strive go to option 1.

An option in which one spouse has inflated self-esteemka, and in the other it is underestimated, it is rare.

The scheme is:

Option 4

Marriages most often break up because the subordination of one and the power of the other leads to mutual discontent. Help maybe a psychologist.

Selfishness

This is one of the most common causes of conflicts in family. In such a family, the wife or husband thinks only about themselves, about their their needs, regardless of the interests of others. A wife, for example, may believe that she made her husband happy by marrying him. Also, in almost all divorced and conflicting couples, the spouses do not understand why the other half is not happy with them, since they do not feel guilty.

Almost all people evaluate the actions, actions and behavior of others from the standpoint of their own needs. If, at the same time, some are still unable to understand the motives and desires of others, this leads to misunderstanding and gives rise to conflicts. The result is the belief that the marriage was unsuccessful.

Often in families where selfishness reigns, one family member (wife or husband) submits to another. It is through submission that he tries to satisfy the needs of the “master.” Often these needs are material. Then the subordinate looks for a second job, tries by any means to “get” money, but, as practice shows, the demands only increase. As a result, people begin to suffer, feel unhappy, envy others.

It is in such families that conflicts are not uncommon. But most often, the resolution of these conflicts does not lead to creation, but, on the contrary, destroys families. Because the demands of the subordinate remain unheard, especially since in most cases it is he who compromises.

The ruler is strengthened in the opinion that the spouse is wrong, since he agrees with the requirements and conditions.

Before exactly this course of life leads to divorce Yes, quite a lot of time has passed. And they come to the cape Most often, both spouses decide to break up, since one cannot cope with the ever-increasing demands of the other, and the second does not agree to “tolerate” and infringe upon himself in his desires, that is, to limit his needs.

If you recognize yourself in this article, try to have a serious conversation with your loved one. Don't let the situationleave it to chance, don’t tell yourself that everything will calm down over time, will be settled. No, that won't happen. Try the conversation ity, adhering to the scheme given in the article “Ways to resolve conflicts in the family.” Don't despair if you don't get mutual understanding the first time - the conversation will not be useless.Don’t give up trying, try repeating the conversation with anothersituation after some time. Give the person an opportunitythink about the situation.

The cause of conflict in the family is jealousy

Jealousy can be called a companion of love. It brings with it anxiety and doubt, envy and anger, suspicion and heartache.

At its core, jealousy is natural. But sometimes it takes on exaggerated forms, even turning into a bo climb. It cannot be said that jealousy arises out of love. More often In all, jealousy hides possessive feelings, especially when it requires punishment and deprivation. Love is okra filled with completely different feelings - trust, desire for happiness to your loved one (beloved), etc.

If jealousy does arise in love, then it is painted in silent despair, sadness, suffering, and is drowned out recognition and trust.

Psychologists note that spouses who, out of jealousy,follow their wives, often cheating on them themselves. But they do not attach importance to their own betrayals, but perceive their mistresses appear as possible parallels to his wife. And although such a husband can Ben is desperately jealous; most likely, he does not love either his mistress or his wife and considers them both unfaithful.

Jealousy is often inherent in people who are suspicious and distrustful.you who see tricks and deceptions everywhere. They believe that troubles were deliberately set up by someone.

A husband or wife who is jealous often starts scandals, trying to stop all possible contacts with his wife (husband) with other people. I suffer from such a situation in the family There are both husband and wife, therefore it is in the interests of both spouses be able to create a friendly atmosphere for each other in the family, from drive away jealousy. More often, jealousy appears where there is no complete frankness in conversations and deeds. This often leads to parting words like: “Full frankness harms the family. Don’t tell your husband.” Education leads to the same result. child (most often the first-born) in conditions of permissiveness, in which mom and dad are completely dependent on the same child's lament. They become his property.

This can even lead to a peculiar disease: pathological jealousy.

Jealousy that goes beyond natural limits is atological. A person with this disease often has enoughany suspicious glance to convict the spouse of unfaithfulnessness. He will look for betrayal everywhere: in avoiding intimacy, in a careful look at a stranger man (woman),insisting on intimacy (meaning cheating). Such jealousy can develop into delusion, for which there is no real reason at all.

A jealous person invents situations, develops them, lives by them.In medical parlance, this is called “third syndrome.” It is useless to influence such a person with arguments of reason.But. You should definitely seek help from a doctor.

If this is not done, then a tragic ending could result.crime motivated by jealousy. Often a companion of such The next step is alcohol.

Women and men channel their aggression differently through jealousy. Women are aggressive towards lovers tse. Men direct aggression towards their “cheating” wife.

What should not be done in these situations?

1. You can’t be under pressure from a pathologically jealous spouse.admit your guilt. Even if he (s) assures that later everything it will be good and calm. This will not happen, everything will resume with more force.

2. You can’t dream and imagine scenes where you would playplayed the role of a jealous spouse, and also to reason seriously and long on this topic. You can't "wind up" yourself.

3. You need to control yourself, calling on your reason to help. Force yourself to understand that scenes of jealousy will not keep your loved one close to you, but will turn him away from you.

4. You need to cultivate self-control. You need to be able to get distracted. If necessary, you should consult a doctor for help.

5. You need to trust your spouse and try to establish a friendly atmosphere in the family.

Adultery

Marital infidelity is one of the most common causes of divorce. What pushes spouses to cheat? There is an opinion in society that people cheat when they meet someone new, all-consuming love.

But according to statistics, the first place cause of betrayal is drunkenness and corresponding uncontrolled behavior. In second place is curiosity, the desire for new sensations. The third is the lack of endurance during long separation. In modern society, the marital triangle is common. Psychologists believe that such a “triangle” applies to half of all married couples to a greater or lesser extent.

In the past, men were known for their fickleness. Now the number of betrayals on both sides is equal.

A cheating husband may be an egoist who thinks only about satisfying his needs, the rest is deeply indifferent to him. Maybe a man who challenges, assuring that he loves his wife, is not going to part with her, but “he’s just that way” and can’t do anything about it. There are also those who run away from the unfriendly environment at home and try to find warmth and comfort on the side. And finally, those overcome by passion, who are usually tormented by their conscience. Such husbands try to make amends for their guilt, become hyper-attentive, and prevent all their wife’s wishes.

As a rule, the girlfriends of married men are much younger than their wives. But it’s not just age that attracts husbands. They wantprove to themselves that they are still capable of attracting attention. In more than 75% of cases, men do not find what they expected in a random partner and begin to value their wife more. They are not leave the family, and after leaving, they often return. But still, evenif reconciliation occurs, a shadow of mistrust and resentment remains.

Why do women cheat? There are also several reasons here.The husband may be to blame: he could not become a lover for his wife, she does not feel happy. It happens that a woman experiences more pleasure from sexual relations with his im a fan. She thinks this is the best option.

In fact, such admirers are gallant with other women, but humiliate their wives. In addition, the trouble with many women is that they do not notice the attention of their spouse, but The lover's alimony seems to them to be proof of love. But alsoFor women, dating on the side brings disappointment and anger zenia of conscience in 90% of cases.

Most people believe that cheating is a reason for divorce. It is believed that there is no point in saving the family. Psychologists do not agree with this opinion. You can't give in emotions, you can’t cut from the shoulder. Of course, betrayal brings a lotgrief. However, those betrayals that occurred due to frivolitylia, weaknesses of character, do not threaten marriage, but indicateabout disrespect for your spouse.

This is not a disaster, it's just an alarm, a crack in the soupfriendly relations. And now it depends on the husband and wife whether there will be whether it will expand or heal. Later most suprugov thanks to common sense are not divorced under the hot hand. They believe that an unpleasant “episode” happened in life, from which they both drew the right conclusions. Have a good marriage with An accidental betrayal will not damage a strong foundation too much, it can strengthen the bonds of marriage, as it will help you feel how spouses need each other.

You shouldn't always tell your spouse about cheating. Undoubtedlybut, frankness must accompany marriage. Even if sheaccompanied by tears and quarrels. But this frankness is not necessaryIf you express contempt for your spouse, you should noton being bravado, the desire to cause pain. Need to besensitive and respect your spouse's feelings. And so that it doesn’t arise desire to change, you need to be attentive to your spouse,be interested in his life, inner world.

Introduction
Conflict- this is a conscious collision, confrontation of at least two people, groups, their mutually opposite, incompatible, mutually exclusive needs, interests, goals, types of behavior, relationships, attitudes that are significantly significant for the individual and the group.
Conflicts are socially conditioned and mediated by the individual characteristics of the people’s psyche. They are associated with acute emotional experiences - affects, with the action of cognitive stereotypes - ways of interpreting a conflict situation, and at the same time with the flexibility and “ingenuity” of an individual or group in searching for and choosing paths of conflict behavior, i.e. leading to increased conflict.
Participants in family conflicts are often not opposing parties who have adequately realized their goals; rather, they are victims of their own unconscious personal characteristics and an incorrect vision of the situation and themselves that does not correspond to reality.
Family conflicts are characterized by extremely ambiguous and therefore inadequate situations associated with the characteristics of people’s behavior in conflicts. Displayed behavior often masks true feelings and ideas about the conflict situation and about each other. Thus, behind the rude and noisy clashes between spouses, affection and love can be hidden, and behind the emphasized politeness - an emotional gap, chronic conflict, and sometimes hatred.

1. Family conflicts, their causes and consequences
Family conflicts- this is a confrontation between family members based on a clash of opposing motives and views.
In intrafamily conflict, both parties are most often to blame. Depending on what contribution and how spouses make to the development of a conflict situation, several typical models of behavior of spouses in interpersonal intra-family conflicts are identified (V.A. Kan-Kalik, 1995).
The first is the desire of the husband and wife to assert themselves in the family, for example in the role of head. Often the “good” advice of parents plays a negative role here. Any statement, request, or instruction is perceived as an encroachment on freedom and personal autonomy. To get away from this model, it is advisable to delimit the spheres of management of different areas of life in the family and carry it out collectively, with a reasonable unity of command.
The second is the spouses’ concentration on their own affairs. A typical “trail” of the previous way of life, habits, friends, unwillingness to give up anything from your past life for the successful implementation of a new social role. Here it is important to take into account the adaptation factor: the gradual inclusion of a spouse in joint activities gradually accustoms him to a new model of behavior. Direct pressure usually complicates relationships.
The third is didactic. One of the spouses constantly teaches the other: how to behave, how to live, etc. This model of communication leads to a disruption of cooperation in the family and establishes a “vertical” communication system. Often, one of the spouses likes the position of the person being taught, and he imperceptibly begins to play the role of an adult child, while maternal or paternal notes gradually become stronger in the behavior of the other.
The fourth is “readiness for battle.” Spouses are constantly in a state of tension associated with the need to repel psychological attacks: the inevitability of quarrels has become stronger in everyone’s minds, intrafamily behavior is structured as a struggle to win the conflict.
The fifth is “daddy’s daughter”, “mama’s boy”. The danger is that young spouses limit their personal experience of building relationships, do not show independence in communication, and are guided only by general considerations and recommendations of their parents, who, despite all their goodwill, are still very subjective and sometimes far from the psychological realities of relationships between young people . In the process of their formation, there is a complex adjustment of individualities, characters, outlook on life, experience
The sixth is concern. In communication between spouses, in the style, structure of family relationships, a state of concern and tension is constantly present as a certain dominant, this leads to a shortage of positive experiences.
Resolution of family conflicts can be ensured by reaching agreement on controversial issues. This is the most favorable option for resolving any family conflicts. But there are other forms of resolving such conflicts that are not constructive. An example of this could be the departure of children from the family, deprivation of parental rights, etc. Such permission places a heavy burden on parents or children and causes them severe emotional and psychological experiences.
Causes of conflicts in the family
Conflict is a clash of opposing opinions, views, interests and needs. There are several reasons that cause frequent conflicts in the family:
- different views on family life;
- unmet needs and empty expectations;
- differences in spiritual interests;
- selfishness;
- infidelity;
- disrespectful attitude towards each other;
- reluctance to participate in raising children;
- jealousy;
- domestic unsettlement;
- disrespect for relatives;
- reluctance to help around the house;
- mismatch of temperaments;
- drunkenness of one of the spouses, etc.
These are not all the reasons that cause conflicts in the family. Most often there are several reasons, and the last one is not the main one.
Psychotraumatic consequences.
Conflicts in the family can create a traumatic environment for spouses, their children, and parents, as a result of which they acquire a number of negative personality traits. In a conflict-ridden family, negative communication experiences are reinforced, faith in the possibility of the existence of friendly and tender relationships between people is lost, negative emotions accumulate, and psychotrauma appears. Psychotrauma more often manifests itself in the form of experiences that, due to their severity, duration or repetition, have a strong impact on the individual. Psychotraumatic experiences are identified as a state of complete family dissatisfaction, “family anxiety,” neuropsychic tension and a state of guilt.
A state of complete family dissatisfaction arises as a result of conflict situations in which there is a noticeable discrepancy between the individual’s expectations in relation to the family and its actual life.
2 . Mechanisms of family conflicts and their dynamics
There are four main stages in the course of a conflict as a process (K. Vitek, 1988; G.A. Navaitis, 1995):
- the emergence of an objective conflict situation;
- awareness of an objective conflict situation;
- transition to conflict behavior;
- conflict resolution.
Conflict becomes a reality only after realizing the contradictions, since only the perception of a situation as a conflict gives rise to appropriate behavior (it follows that a contradiction can be not only objective, but also subjective, imaginary). The transition to conflict behavior is actions aimed at achieving one’s goals and blocking the achievement of the opposite party’s aspirations and intentions. It is important that the opponent’s actions must also be perceived by him as conflicting. This stage is associated with an aggravation of the emotional tone of relationships and their progressive destabilization.
There are two main ways to resolve conflicts: changing the objective conflict situation and transforming its “images”, ideas about the essence and nature of the conflict that opponents have.
Family conflicts are usually associated with people’s desire to satisfy certain needs or create conditions for their satisfaction without taking into account the interests of the partner. There are many reasons for this. These include different views on family life, unfulfilled expectations and needs, rudeness, disrespectful attitude, adultery, financial difficulties, etc. Conflict, as a rule, is generated not by one, but by a complex of reasons, among which the main one can be conventionally identified - for example, the unmet needs of the spouses.
Classification of conflicts based on unmet needs of spouses
1. Conflicts, disagreements arising on the basis of an unsatisfied need for the value and significance of one’s “I”, violation of the sense of dignity on the part of the other partner, his dismissive, disrespectful attitude.
2. Conflicts, disagreements, mental tensions based on the unsatisfied sexual needs of one or both spouses.
3. Mental stress, depression, conflicts, quarrels due to the unsatisfied need of one or both spouses for positive emotions: lack of affection, care, attention, understanding of humor, gifts.
4. Conflicts, quarrels related to the addiction of one of the spouses to alcoholic beverages, gambling and other hypertrophied needs, leading to wasteful and ineffective, and sometimes useless expenditure of family funds.
5. Financial disagreements arising from the exaggerated needs of one of the spouses in the distribution of the budget, family support, and the contribution of each partner to the financial support of the family.
6. Conflicts, quarrels, disagreements due to the dissatisfaction of the spouses’ needs for food, clothing, setting up a home, etc.
7. Conflicts in connection with the need for mutual assistance, mutual support, cooperation on issues of division of labor in the family, housekeeping, and child care.
8. Conflicts, disagreements, quarrels based on different needs and interests in recreation and leisure, various hobbies.
Using the category need in the theory of marital conflict allows us to move on to motives and interests, negative and positive emotions, to the analysis of various types of depressive and other pathological conditions, neuroses, the source of which can be family troubles. The categories stability - instability of marriage, its conflict - lack of conflict also depend on meeting the needs of the spouses, especially emotional and psychological ones.
According to the degree of danger to family ties, conflicts can be:
§ harmless - occur in the presence of objective difficulties, fatigue, irritability, a state of “nervous breakdown”; Having started suddenly, the conflict can quickly end. They often say about such conflicts: “By morning everything will pass”;
§ dangerous - disagreements arise due to the fact that one of the spouses, in the opinion of the other, should change his line of behavior, for example, in relation to relatives, give up some habits, reconsider life guidelines, parenting techniques, etc. , that is, a problem is posed that requires resolving the dilemma: to yield or not;
§ especially dangerous - lead to divorce.
Let's consider the mechanisms of some family conflicts
1. They didn’t get along in character - the motive is “purely” psychological. The severity of conflicts and their frequency, the strength of emotional outbursts, control over one’s own behavior, tactics and strategies for the behavior of spouses in various conflict situations depend on individual character traits.
Each person chooses methods, techniques and methods of activity based on the characteristics of his character. They form an individual style of behavior in the work and everyday spheres of life. By “individual style of activity” we understand a system of techniques and methods of action that are characteristic of a given person and appropriate for achieving a successful result. You need to remember this and not strive to “re-educate” or “remake” the other partner, but simply take into account or adapt to the properties of his nature, his individual style.
However, some character flaws (demonstrativeness, authoritarianism, indecisiveness, etc.) themselves can be a source of conflict situations in the family. There are traits that lead to the destruction of a marriage, regardless of the partners’ desire to adapt, for example, egocentric character traits of spouses. Their concentration on their “I” is a defect in moral development and is one of the factors destabilizing marriage life. Usually spouses see only their partner’s selfishness, but do not notice their own. “Struggle” with others stems from a false position in life, from a false understanding of moral relations with other people.
2. Adultery and sex life in marriage. Cheating reflects contradictions between spouses and is the result of various psychological factors. Cheating is caused by disappointment in marriage and disharmony in sexual relations. In contrast to betrayal and infidelity, fidelity is a system of obligations to a marriage partner, which are regulated by moral norms and standards. This is a conviction in the value and significance of the obligations assumed. Often fidelity is associated with devotion and is associated with the desire of partners to strengthen their own marriage and relationship.
It is important to understand that sexual need can be truly satisfied only against the backdrop of positive feelings and emotions, which are possible provided that emotional and psychological needs are satisfied (for love, for maintaining and preserving self-esteem, psychological support, protection, mutual assistance and understanding) .
3. Domestic drunkenness and alcoholism. This is a traditional motive for divorce. Alcoholism is a typical drug addiction, formed on the basis of regular consumption of alcoholic beverages over a number of years. Chronic alcoholism should be distinguished from everyday drunkenness, which is caused by situational factors, defects in education, and low culture. If public measures are sufficient in the fight against everyday drunkenness, then chronic alcoholism, which leads to mental disorders and a number of other diseases, requires medical treatment.
Alcohol abuse by one of the spouses creates an abnormal atmosphere in the family and a constant basis for conflicts and scandals. Psychotraumatic situations arise for all family members and especially for children. The risk of developing neuropsychiatric disorders increases sharply, and the likelihood of having children with various disabilities and anomalies increases. Material difficulties appear, the sphere of spiritual interests narrows, and immoral behavior appears more often. The spouses are increasingly moving away from each other.
In general, the dynamics of family conflicts are characterized by classical stages (the emergence of a conflict situation, awareness of a conflict situation, open confrontation, development of open confrontation, conflict resolution and emotional experience of the conflict). But such conflicts are characterized by increased emotionality, the speed of each stage, the forms of confrontation (reproaches, insults, quarrel, family scandal, disruption of communication, etc.), as well as methods of their resolution (reconciliation, reaching agreement, grinding relationships based on mutual assignments, divorce, etc.).

3. Psychological features of the development of the first child in the family. The only child in the family
The first child is in many ways similar to the only one. The adult world has a huge influence on him, and he begins to be driven by the desire to compete with his elders. The first child is usually conservative because he is used to protecting his position. He is very responsible and prefers verbal confrontations to physical ones. He has a keenly developed sense of duty, and his integral and purposeful nature is worthy of trust.
The appearance of a brother/sister unexpectedly deprives him of power and throws him back into the world of children. And then the struggle begins to regain the lost first place in the hearts of parents. The habit of using one's power over siblings later manifests itself in the desire to dominate others and always be in control of the situation.
He has a strong character, and pressure from his parents forces him to be extremely demanding of himself. He always sets the bar very high, and then never feels like he has achieved enough. The fact that he is the first and the eldest gives him a feeling of his own exclusivity for the rest of his life, makes him calm and self-confident.
Researchers have found that only children and, to some extent, first children are more likely to prefer intellectual and exploratory activities. Children who are not first born are more likely to gravitate towards careers related to the arts and work outside the office.
"These results are consistent with the theory that birth order influences a child's personality," said Frederick T. L. Leong, study co-author and professor of psychology at The Ohio State University. “Typically, parents have different expectations and preferences for their child depending on their birth order,” Leong continues. - For example, parents may be overprotective of their only child and worry about his or her physical safety. Perhaps this is why only children in the family are more likely to show interest in intellectual work than in physical activity. In addition, the only child in the family receives more time and attention than those who have brothers and sisters.”
An only child has the characteristics of both an older child and a younger one. An only child very often inherits the character traits of a parent of the same sex. Because parents have special expectations for their only child, he usually does well in school. Only children are often very closely attached to their parents throughout their lives and have great difficulty in separating and living independently. Having fewer opportunities to play with other children, an only child can already resemble a small adult in childhood and feel quite comfortable alone. Only children, due to their greater attachment to their parents, often look for traits of their father or mother in their partner.
An only child is usually surrounded by increased attention from adults. Due to their age, the older generation is especially sensitive to children. Many grandparents dote on their only grandchild. But overprotection, as we know, gives rise to children's fears. The anxiety of adults is passed on to children. They can grow up to be dependent and dependent.
Psychologists and educators around the world are concerned about the infantilism of modern teenagers and young people. This, of course, is a separate and very extensive topic of conversation. Not the least reason for teenage infantilism is the upbringing of children in one- or two-child families, when the overprotectiveness of adults does not allow the child to grow up normally. And it, being an egoist, is sure that being an adult means having a lot of rights and almost no responsibilities.
It is believed that an only child has more opportunities for intellectual development, but this is another common misconception.
Only children play little or no pretend play. They have no one to learn from, no one to play with. And the gap in such games has a detrimental effect on the entire development of the child, including intellectual development. After all, it is precisely this kind of game that gives the little man a three-dimensional understanding of the world.
Children from such families have completely different social experiences. When confronted with life outside the home, such a child often suffers psychological trauma. Once in kindergarten or first grade, he habitually expects to be singled out from those around him.
In a family with one child, it is very important to maintain connections with relatives. An only child needs a large family. Then he will practically not suffer from loneliness.
According to psychologists, the personal life of the “sole heirs” is usually a “tracing copy” of the parental marriage. As experience shows, by the time their children are born, they suddenly acquire pragmatic sanity, completely “forgive” their parents for the absence of brothers and sisters and... have one and only “heir.” Why? Most likely, habit takes its toll. They do not have models of upbringing and behavior in a family where several children are growing up.
S. Freud was the first psychiatrist to notice that “the child’s position among his sisters and brothers is of utmost importance in his entire subsequent life.” For example, it is known that the eldest children in the family have some common characteristics: achievement orientation, leadership qualities. In addition, the eldest child is first raised as the only one. Then, when his privileged position has become familiar to him, his “place” in the soul of the parents is taken by the newborn. When the "capture" occurs before the age of five, it is an extremely shocking experience for the child. After five years, the eldest already has a place outside the family, in society, and therefore is psychologically less disadvantaged by the newcomer.
Observing the basic principles of married life together allows you to avoid many mistakes.
- It’s realistic to look at the contradictions that arise before and after marriage.
- Do not create illusions, so as not to be disappointed, since the present is unlikely to meet the standards and criteria that were planned in advance.
- Don't avoid difficulties. Overcoming difficult situations together is an excellent opportunity to quickly find out how ready both partners are to live according to the principle of a bilateral compromise.
- Understand the psychology of your partner. To live in harmony, you need to understand each other, adapt, and also be able to “please” each other.
- Know the value of little things. Small but frequent signs of attention are more valuable and significant than expensive gifts, which sometimes hide indifference, infidelity, etc.
- Be tolerant, be able to forget grievances. A person is ashamed of some of his mistakes and does not like to remember them. You should not be reminded of what once disrupted the relationship and what should be forgotten.
- Be able to understand and anticipate the desires and needs of a partner.
- Do not impose your demands, protect the dignity of your partner.
- Understand the benefits of temporary separation. Partners can get tired of each other, and separation allows you to understand how much you love your other half and how much you currently miss it.
- Take care of yourself. Carelessness and carelessness give rise to hostility and can lead to serious consequences.
- Have a sense of proportion. Ability to accept criticism calmly and kindly. It is important to emphasize first of all the advantages of the partner, and then point out the shortcomings in a friendly manner.
- Understand the causes and consequences of infidelity.
- Don't fall into despair. When faced with a stressful situation in marital life, it would be wrong to “proudly” separate and not look for a way out. But it’s even worse to maintain at least external balance through humiliation and threats

Conclusion
In a prosperous family there is always a feeling of joy today and tomorrow. In order to preserve it, spouses need to leave bad moods and troubles outside the door, and when they come home, bring with them an atmosphere of elation, joy and optimism. If one spouse is in a bad mood, the other should help him get rid of his depressed mental state. In every alarming and sad situation, you need to try to catch humorous notes, look at yourself from the outside; Humor and jokes should be cultivated in the home. If troubles arise, do not be alarmed, try to sit down calmly and consistently understand their causes.
Depending on their resolution, conflicts can be divided into two types:
Creative - represents a certain patience in relations with each other, refusal of insults, humiliation; searching for the causes of conflict; willingness to engage in dialogue, desire to change existing relationships.
Destructive - represents insults, humiliation: the desire to offend, to teach a lesson more, to blame someone else. The result: mutual respect disappears, communication with each other turns into a duty, often unpleasant.
It is necessary to determine what is the basis for generating conflict in the family:
1. Unsatisfied need for self-affirmation.
2. The desire of one or both spouses to realize primarily personal needs in marriage (selfishness).
3. Inability of spouses to communicate with each other, with relatives, friends and acquaintances, and work colleagues.
4. Strongly developed material ambitions in one or both spouses.
5. Reluctance of one of the spouses to participate in housekeeping.
6. The presence of inflated self-esteem in one or both spouses.
7. The reluctance of one of the spouses to raise children or a divergence of views on methods of education.
8. Differences in spouses’ ideas about the content of the roles of husband, wife, father, mother, and head of the family.
9. Misunderstanding as a result of reluctance to engage in dialogue.
10. Different types of temperament of spouses and inability to take into account the type of temperament.
11. Jealousy of one of the spouses.
12. Adultery of one of the spouses.
13. Sexual coldness of one of the spouses.
14. Bad habits of one of the spouses and the associated consequences.
15. Special cases.
It should be noted that any of the above conflicts has its own resolution and, with the right, interested approach, does not lead to a break in family relationships.
etc.................

Conflicts in the family are not such a rare occurrence. It is difficult to imagine people's lives without contradictions and conflicts. A collision is called a conflict for various reasons. Conflict-producing actions, different points of view and desires cause a reckless waste of strength and energy, leading to mutual destruction. How do the consequences of conflicts in the family affect a person’s life? They are sure to upset constructive cooperation, becoming the reason for the loss of all parties to the conflict in the family. It is unlikely that you will be able to avoid them. People do not know how to correctly identify the causes of conflicts in the family, and also cannot resolve problems peacefully. Many of us are accustomed to dumping our internal garbage on other people.

Often people do not attach much importance to the big and small collisions of everyday life. Family life creates many obstacles and problems that we cannot solve on our own. The desire to avoid conflicts and protect oneself from various clashes at all costs is considered a dangerous illusion.

Causes of conflicts in the family

There are so many reasons for conflicts in the family that any family can find its own “pain points” among them. The real ones are difficult to identify as a result of psychological moments. The emotions that usually accompany any conflict do not allow us to discern the real cause.

According to many experts, the causes of conflicts in the family are quarrels, squabbles and scandals due to shortcomings and gaps in the upbringing, character and mental characteristics of the spouses.

From the position of psychologists, the lion's share of conflicts arises beyond the wishes of the participants. This happens due to the characteristics of our psyche, about which we know little. The types of temperaments that influence the character of people distinguish us from each other and sometimes become the causes of conflicting relationships in the family.

Conflicts in the family and temperamental characteristics

Temperament influences a person’s behavior and manifests itself in his actions and actions. The combination of different types of temperament in spouses can cause constant conflicts in the family.

The nervous system of a choleric person can be characterized as strong, but not balanced. In him, strong excitation prevails over weakened inhibition. He quickly gets used to any new business and works actively as long as he is interested. But he doesn’t like to do monotonous work. Easily and quickly switches from one task to another. But if he is passionate, he will not stop until he completes the job he started. He is distinguished by the stability of his aspirations and interests. Choleric is very resourceful and inventive, receptive to everything unusual, and easily learns everything new. This is a passionate person. He reacts to a minor obstacle with violent emotions. If a difficulty or problem arises, he will fight until he solves it. He is quick-tempered and starts, as they say, with a half-turn. Due to weak braking, he cannot calm down quickly. He moves and acts quickly and energetically, has lively facial expressions, and speaks quickly.

The causes of conflicts in the family of a choleric person may be his temper, lack of restraint, lack of self-control, and inability to adapt to others, including his loved ones. Any action or careless remark can cause a flash of irritation, disobedience can cause anger.

The mood of a choleric person changes quite often; an outburst or simply a violent emotional reaction can occur over a trivial matter. If someone tries to make a sharp remark to him, point out his mistakes or disagree with his opinion, he begins to argue, prove that he is right, or even make a scandal. A person with a pronounced choleric temperament is a real punishment for the family. He strives to keep everything and everyone under control, to be in sight. But after quarrels and scandals he cannot calm down for a long time; will endlessly scroll through the circumstances of the conflict in his head. During an outburst of irritation, there is no need to sort things out with him, make comments, and so on. It's like throwing dry wood into a fire. It is difficult to live with him in the family, but the spouse of a calm (phlegmatic) type of nervous system gets along quite well with him.

The nervous system of a phlegmatic person, on the one hand, is characterized by endurance and balance. On the other hand, inhibition and excitation unfold slowly. He looks calm and unhurried; has difficulty getting used to new surroundings and new people; he does not like sudden changes in life and has difficulty restructuring his skills and habits. The phlegmatic person plans his life, and unexpected changes in his plans upset him and unsettle him. Outwardly, emotions show little. Facial expressions are not expressive. It is difficult to make him laugh, angry or sad. Remains calm in stressful situations. It starts working slowly, but is highly efficient. Can patiently perform monotonous work, diligently and pedantically bringing it to the end. Speaks and moves slowly. A phlegmatic person has a hard time adapting to a new environment. Lives with his inner world. It is difficult to get along with new people, but he is constant in his relationships with them. There are not many friends, but these are old, trusted friends. He is comfortable being with his family, in a familiar environment. He himself never starts conflicts; in any situation he is calm and restrained.

The causes of conflicts in the family are associated with the inability of a phlegmatic person to clearly express his feelings to the events that happen in the family. When performing any work, he cannot be urged on: endless “faster” words will drive him crazy. Repeated stimuli for a long time can cause an outburst of enormous force.

In the family he is a loving and faithful life partner. You can rely on him in any situation; Thanks to his strong nerves, he performs well in crisis situations.

This is a strong and resilient type of nervous system. The processes of inhibition and excitation are characterized by balance and mobility. He easily adapts to new life situations. If necessary, he quickly changes his habits, skills and abilities. He gets involved in new work very quickly. If the work he does is interesting to him, then he is very active and productive, able to work for a long time without getting tired, and energetically takes on every new task.

The sanguine person is sociable and feels great among strangers. He has many friends, but he has an easy attitude towards friendship. Being an enthusiastic person, he is very amorous, enjoys the attention of others, and is known as the life of any company.

He responds quickly to everything that attracts his attention. He has lively facial expressions and expressive quick movements. His face is like an open book; everything he thinks and how he feels about what is happening around him is written on it. Able to quickly focus attention. It is characterized by increased activity. A sanguine person has good control over his feelings and controls their manifestations. Emotions, interests and aspirations are very changeable. Has a flexible mind. Lives on impressions of the present, thinks little about the future and past.

But his behavior often causes conflicts in the family due to his excessive sociability. In a dispute, he hears and listens only to himself, and does not pay attention to the arguments of his loved ones. Not the most faithful companion in family life, too amorous. A sanguine person's easy-going attitude to life and amorousness often leads to conflicts over or. It is difficult to demand loyalty from a sanguine person. Conflict can also arise due to a seemingly frivolous attitude towards other people's problems.

It has a sensitive but low-endurance nervous system. The processes of inhibition and excitation are weakly expressed. This is a very impressionable and deeply feeling person. A small reason can move him. Kind and vulnerable, gentle in communication and the most peaceful, he can be a devoted friend and the most faithful life partner. The peculiarities of the activity of his nervous system are rarely the causes of family conflicts. But he has a hard time withstanding traumatic factors: any changes in life, difficult conditions and stress, family crises, problems with people close to him. His shyness and increased sensitivity, fear of communication, and inability to tolerate stressful situations can irritate people close to him. The consequences of conflicts in the family are disastrous for him: he experiences grievances and injustice with difficulty and for a long time. But he is energetic and active where he feels safe, loved and useful.

Temperaments and conflicts in the family

It is unacceptable to believe that temperament types are divided into good and bad. People with clearly defined types of temperament are extremely rare, and their temperaments can change over the course of life. In addition, each person exhibits signs of several temperaments, with one predominant. But understanding the properties of temperament makes it possible to understand the behavior of a partner in the family and find the right manner with him. Having information about the type of temperament, it is possible to predict the specifics of relationships and correct the behavior of spouses in family conflicts.

So, if both partners have a phlegmatic temperament type, then their life can be stable and without any special shocks. In such unions, divorces rarely occur. There are almost no conflicts in these married couples. But even in their relations there are conflicts that manifest themselves implicitly and often turn into so-called “cold wars”. Therefore, they should avoid long-term omissions and sort things out in a timely manner.

If both spouses have a choleric temperament, then the number of conflicts in the family may increase. If one of the partners is choleric and the other is phlegmatic, then the intemperance and ardor of one may clash with the restraint of the other. In this case, the choleric person calms down, and a quarrel does not begin. Although in a certain situation he may flare up and scream again, since a choleric person can be enraged by the self-control of a phlegmatic person.

If both partners have a melancholic temperament, then in this case they will be very worried about the events happening around them. If in a marriage one of the partners is melancholic, and the other, for example, choleric or sanguine, then their rude or careless expressions can greatly hurt the melancholic, leading to mutual misunderstanding, and then to a cooling of feelings. You should treat your partner very carefully and not hurt him with words spoken in a fit of anger.

If two spouses are choleric or one is sanguine and the other is choleric, then any conflict situation leads to an instant flare-up. The reason may be very simple.

Usually they (cholerics and sanguine people) want to be the center of attention; strong impulsiveness does not allow them to regulate their behavior. However, such people quickly cool down. The brighter the fire burns, the faster the fire will burn out. They cannot stay angry for long and quickly cool down. But provoking them into conflict is very dangerous. In a fit of their own anger, they can commit immoral acts and are capable of offending and even hitting. The most ordinary murders on domestic grounds are committed by such people. Cholerics can come together almost in hand-to-hand combat, but soon quickly make peace.

All people are different. In addition to temperament, we all have different psychotypes of character. But dissimilarity may not interfere with relationships if there is love, spiritual closeness and mutual understanding.

Consequences of conflicts in the family

Every conflict in a family has its consequences. Most often they are negative. Why? Family members are emotionally connected to each other, and the expectations of understanding, acceptance and support from them are different than from strangers.

The severity of the consequences of family conflicts depends on many factors: nature, form, method of resolution and behavior of the participants. Yes, there are conflicts that help reveal the “pain points” of relationships and understand each other. They change spouses, ignite fading feelings, and define the boundaries beyond which one should not go. People begin to understand that conflict is not a tragedy, but only an episode in life that can and must be overcome. This is constructive problem solving.

But there are so-called destructive (destructive) conflicts. A series of such conflicts leads to disruption of family relationships and to the complete alienation of everyone in the family.

The most important consequence of conflicts in the family is their adverse impact on the mental and physical health of family members.

Every conflict is accompanied by emotional experiences. Resentment arises because the dearest person does not understand or does not want to understand, and offends. Resentment leaves a deep scar in the soul and is remembered for a long time. One insult, another, then another... Anger, anger, aggression and constant anxiety appear. It is caused by the expectation of another conflict in the family. Dissatisfaction with oneself, the people around you in the family and at work. And it’s not far from there. It is known that negative emotions have a destructive effect on a person’s physical health.

As a result of destructive conflicts, communication between spouses is disrupted, and a deep chasm gradually appears that separates them. The very existence of the family loses its meaning.

The consequence of conflicts in the family can be divorce, which entails new challenges for the spouses. A vicious circle arises: negative emotions alone lead to our unconstructive actions, as a result of which new problems and new completely unpleasant experiences and new difficulties appear. Feelings of helplessness and uncertainty in life appear.

So man is extremely complex. Character and temperament are closely intertwined in him. With good interpersonal relationships in the family, spouses exhibit positive character traits and the best temperamental characteristics. And it (temperament) helps people be together, live and love. But the more conflicts in the family, the more people’s feelings are controlled by weaknesses in temperament, which strengthen the negative aspects of character. Here's another vicious circle. And this also shows the consequences of conflicts in the family.

Temperament is like an artist's canvas, on which bright strokes of character paint a picture of life.