It is probably impossible to find a person who has never asked this overly complex question: “What is happening to me? Is this love or just infatuation? Maybe I just got carried away? or even like this: “How can I understand whether I love my spouse or not? If I don’t love you, then what is it that I feel? Maybe it's just affection?
A person is designed in such a way that he must, at all costs, understand and dot all the i's, after which it would seem possible to make a decision: stay together, build a house, plant a tree and raise a son, or separate , because there is no prospect, and do not waste time. And if it also happened that this feeling arose at the wrong time, and even in relation to the wrong person, then just hold on, you need to immediately find an exact definition of what is happening, otherwise you will still mess things up.
In this article I will try to answer the question, how to understand how love differs from dislike, falling in love, affection, infatuation, and so on.
At all times, psychologists have been interested in the feeling of love and tried to somehow explore it. Today, love still remains one of the most mysterious and difficult things to study.
Many people believe that love cannot be scientifically studied because it cannot be measured. Nevertheless, psychologists have been able, for example, to find a connection between early childhood experiences and the experience of love in adulthood.
The psychology of love is so vast, there are so many different theories and discoveries in it that it is difficult to give any definite and true answer to what love is. However, let's choose the most practically applicable and simplest of all that this wonderful science of psychology offers us.
Love or sympathy?
Back in the 60s of the last century, American psychologist Zeke Rubin created a “love test” and tested it on several hundred people. Zeke Rubin identified three components of love: affection, caring, and intimacy in a relationship; and three components of liking: some degree of respect, admiration, and perceived similarity to oneself.
Initially, Zeke Rubin's "Love and Sympathy Scale" consisted of 80 questions; he later reduced it to 26 questions, 13 for love and 13 for sympathy. Really, why is it taking so long to measure? Even later, this scale was reduced to 4 questions for each feeling. You can go through the full version of 13 questions, but here is the short version:
Liking Dimension:
- I think that …. - a calm and stable person.
- I trust his opinion (her opinion).
- I think that... is for the most part a balanced person.
- It seems to me that... is one of those people I like the most.
Dimension of love:
- I have a strong feeling that... belongs only to me.
- I like it when... trusts me.
- For... I am ready for absolutely anything.
- It's easy for me to ignore his (her) mistakes.
Accordingly, if most of your answers, expressed more strongly, relate to the block of sympathy, then most likely you have sympathy for the person. And vice versa, if most of your answers most likely relate to the block of love, then most likely it is love.
Love-friendship or love-passion?
According to psychologist E. Hatfield, how long love will last depends on the so-called child's attachment style.
American psychologist Elaine Hatfield has devoted more than one year to the study of love. Hatfield believes that there are two types of love: love-friendship and love-passion. Love-friendship consists of feelings of respect, trust and affection, and love-passion is characterized by a whole complex of intense emotions and sexual attraction.
According to Hatfield, how long love will last depends on the so-called child's attachment style. Each child, according to this theory, develops a certain type of attachment to a parent (or to an adult caring for him). There are four types of attachments: one secure attachment and three insecure ones - ambivalent, avoidant and disorganized. People with childhood secure attachments tend to love long and deeply, while people with insecure attachments will fall in love quickly and briefly.
For love to happen, three factors are necessary:
- the right time: you need to be “ready” to fall in love;
- suitable character: he should be attractive, gentle and somewhat similar to ourselves;
- the appropriate type of childhood affection: this determines whether it will be love-passion or love-friendship, as well as how long this feeling will last.
In addition, Elaine Hatfield developed “” and ““, which allow you to determine which of these two feelings you have.
Love or infatuation?
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov and psychiatrist Scott Peck argue that falling in love and love are completely different things, and it is not at all necessary that falling in love will develop into love.
Falling in love is an obsession, euphoria, an emotional outburst, a storm of hormones:
- we don’t choose who to fall in love with, and no matter how much we want to fall in love purposefully, most likely it won’t work out;
- when we fall in love, everything comes easy to us and we don’t have to do anything special;
- when we are in love, we do not strive for anything, just to stay longer in this beautiful pink foam of feelings;
- when we are in love, we feel incredible closeness, the opportunity to move mountains and overcome all obstacles, we feel the undivided possession of another person (or we want to feel it);
- when we are in love, we do not notice any shortcomings in the object of our feelings, or we notice these shortcomings, but do not attach any importance to them: “Son, she’s been constantly being treated in a psychiatric clinic for the last few years! “That’s enough, mom, stop it, she was discharged three months ago!!”
- falling in love does not last forever, it ends (on average from 3 months to 2 years);
- throughout your life or never at all.
But love is something else:
- this is a conscious choice, self-discipline, work on oneself and on relationships;
- love requires effort and time;
- the desire to be together, the intention to try for the benefit of the other;
- the desire to develop, grow, and the desire for the partner to grow and develop;
- accepting a partner as he is, with all his advantages and disadvantages;
- love can last for years.
Not long ago, psychologists at the University of Maryland attempted to compare a fairly large group of people who could say about themselves that they were in love or not. Psychologists compared these people according to the criterion of whether they live with a partner, whether they are married or just dating. The result was a list that included some behavioral symptoms characteristic of both those who are in love and those who have been married for many years.
What color is love?
John Alan Lee came up with the "Colors of Love" theory. He used three main types of love, to which he assigned colors. Passionate, sensual love received the color red. Love-friendship was “colored” yellow. And love-game received the color blue.
In the 70s, American sociologist John Alan Lee caused a great stir in society by publishing several scientific articles and a separate book called “Colors of Love.” John Lee used the three main types of love as defined by philosophers in Ancient Greece (eros, storge and ludus) and assigned colors to them. For example, eros love, or passionate, sensual love, was given the color red in John Lee’s theory. Love-storge, or love-friendship, love-similarity, was “painted” by him in yellow. And love-ludus, or love-game, love-pleasure, received the color blue.
The combination of various colors gave new combinations. Thus, the combination of Eros + Ludus or Red + Blue gives Violet love - or love-mania, obsessive love. The combination of Ludus and Storge, or Blue + Yellow, forms Green Pragma Love, realistic and practical love. Finally, the combination of Eros and Storge, or Red + Yellow, forms Orange agape love, or selfless love.
The concept of John Alan Lee was repeatedly subjected to additional study and criticism, major sociological studies were conducted, and as a result, the theory of the flowers of love took its rightful place among other well-known psychological theories of love.
Consultation with a psychologist for relationship problems
If you are really experiencing difficulties in a relationship and cannot determine whether you are in love or something else, then it is likely that this can help you figure it out. In general, if you are in love, and even passionately, then you have something to do :) But sometimes it happens that love also brings unpleasant experiences: for example, if it happened at the wrong time or in relation to the wrong person. This love discomfort can provoke various problems in life: difficulties in marriage, in communication, at work. In this case, the support of a professional psychologist may be required. Together you can understand what is happening to you and outline a further plan of action.
Absolutely everyone dreams of finding that one person and spending their life with him. And then it happens, we meet our unique and only one, we fall in love with him at first sight. What is our feeling? How stable is it?
Feeling in love
At first we we think, what will love forever this person, however later some kind of time it reveals hidden shortcomings that were not noticeable before, and habits that started to irritate. Why did we make a mistake and what exactly? How long it will be going on? Is this really going to happen all the time?
But everything is much simpler - we don’t understand what love and infatuation are, and how they differ. Many people are mistaken in thinking that falling in love will eventually develop into love, but they develop in the completely opposite direction, and we end up breaking up with our partner.
Infatuation and love are quite different concepts. We are unlikely to love the one we once fell in love with.
"Time frame" of feelings:
Love- a very joyful and warm feeling. It cannot arise at one moment and also can't instantly disappear. To fall in love with someone, you need time to get to know each other well. It also goes away slowly.
Falling in love ends quickly and the definition that suits her most is sympathy. We don’t know the person very well yet, but we admire his manners, appearance, and behavior. At the same time, it disappears after the partner shows his worst side
Number of partners:
When we love, then we experience a selfless feeling of everything to just one to a person.
It's possible to fall in love straightaway in several.
If you have several partners and choose between them, then it is better to part with both, because the person they love is accepted with all their shortcomings and at the same time they do not look for anything better.
Effect on humans:
Love causes idealization of a partner, we see him as if wearing rose-colored glasses. The mind is filled with dreams of a future life together and the person forgets about his daily life, it is more difficult for him to work and he does not experience creative inspiration. You can say that love is blind.
Love It has the exact opposite effect on a person. She develops and is filled with his energy. If a person is truly loved, then he is perceived as a whole person and allows you to be yourself.
When falling in love Very separation is difficult to cope with, but the real one love only gets stronger when your loved one is far away. It is these moments that make us understand how dear this or that person is.
Basics of feelings:
But what then constitutes the basis of falling in love? Why can she, being so unreliable, connect two people for a long time?
The basis of falling in love is physical intimacy. While enjoying sexual contacts, partners may not notice for a long time that they are no longer connected by anything. They look at life differently, have different habits and social circles.
Sex, of course, is present in happy relationships, but for loving people this is not the main thing, because they have enough common interests. It can be said that love is based on spiritual intimacy.
When we love a person, we are ready to do many things for his sake. And when we fall in love, on the contrary, we try to benefit from.
Method for determining feelings:
Costs introduce one's soul mate with your friends and loved ones. And if you “glow with happiness,” then the people around you who know you well will certainly approve of your choice.
If friends and parents discourage you from dating, that is reason to think. Perhaps they have noticed something that you cannot see, for example, changes are not for the better. This means that love is not real. There are many marriages based on love and, as a rule, only a few are happy and not divorced.
The emergence of new and strong feelings for the opposite sex inspires a person, gives him strength and joy. But at the same time it can bring a lot of pain and suffering. To avoid unnecessary disappointments, you should understand your feelings instead of denying their occurrence.
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True love is not always easy to recognize. To do this, you need to conduct an honest introspection and show diligence in order to understand your feelings and understand the sympathies of your chosen one.
- sympathy;
- love;
- Love.
- frankness, trust and understanding;
- loyalty;
- passion.
Show all
Love or infatuation?
Before you completely plunge headlong into a romantic relationship, you need to understand three main facets:
Understanding these points will help you avoid mistakes and eventually find true happiness.
Falling in love can very often be confused with love. Both of these concepts imply romantic feelings. However, their basis is different. If love turns a blind eye to shortcomings and rests only on an external and superficial foundation, then love knows about the strengths and weaknesses of its partner, it constantly grows and strengthens, no matter what.
To decide, you need to study 10 differences between love and infatuation.
How to distinguish love from affection
What do you like about a person?
An enthusiastic person pays most attention to physical characteristics - a beautiful figure, a pretty face, an athletic physique, etc. Although there is nothing wrong with looking at beautiful people, appearance is only a beautiful wrapper, in which there is no corresponding content. Having met a person of more attractive appearance, sympathy can easily pass, and thoughts will already be occupied with a new acquaintance.
Unlike sympathy, true love is interested in the personality of a loved one. Physical attraction is present, but it only complements the personality characteristics and attractive qualities of the partner.
How to get rid of being in love
Evaluation of merits
When falling in love, a person pays attention only to some of the qualities of the chosen one. He turns a blind eye to shortcomings and exaggerates strengths.
But when you truly love a person, you know about all his shortcomings, accept them and try to focus more on his actions, strengths and admire them.
What is the difference between love and infatuation
Consistency in feelings
Falling in love is not characterized by constancy. Therefore, the feelings of a man or woman can either glow or subside for a certain period. The reason is that it is a superficial feeling. It does not have deep roots that constantly fuel interest in a person.
Men's love does not calm down. Thoughts about your beloved, the desire to constantly see a person, be close and hear her voice do not let go for a single day. If a passionate person can easily endure separation, then with real feelings it becomes unbearable pain.
How did feelings affect your personality?
Psychology notes that a fleeting infatuation with another person leads to disorganization. The person becomes distracted, relaxed, and stops thinking sensibly. In addition, falling in love encourages spontaneous and thoughtless actions.
Deep feelings are always creative. They encourage the lover to develop, improve, work on his qualities, and give a surge of new strength and energy with which he can move mountains.
Important Elements of Love
An analysis of the main components of true love will help you distinguish love from infatuation.
Deep and genuine feelings are based on:
In sympathy there is only physical attraction and loyalty, but there is no open communication and mutual understanding. Falling in love involves passion and frankness, but if partners do not make efforts to overcome difficulties and remain faithful to each other, then over time it will pass.
Basis of feelings
To find out whether this is real love, you should think about what purpose is pursued in the desire to have a loved one. If a girl believes that a guy can make her happy, will provide for her and thinks only about his own interests, then this is infatuation, but not love.
True love is different in that it does not seek its own benefit. Love encourages one to unselfishly, devotedly care for the interests of another and do everything possible for his happiness.
Opinions of others
An important test of true feelings is the opinion of close people about the chosen one. An enthusiastic person tends to idealize another, not paying attention to serious shortcomings. Friends or family may not approve of the choice made because they look at things realistically and see dangerous signals.
When a girl truly loves, then more often her parents and friends do not go against such a relationship. They will see the same good qualities and actions for which she fell in love with the man, they will be able to make sure that she knows about his shortcomings and is ready to put up with them all her life.
Time is the best indicator of feelings
Distance is the best opportunity to identify and test your feelings. Liking rests only on physical attractiveness. If people are simply passionate about each other, then under the influence of time and distance, interest in the person disappears and the relationship ends.
To completely forget a man, a woman in love only needs 1-3 months. Then she is visited by thoughts about the futility of relationships, and she begins to pay attention to cute guys.
Unlike passion for deep feelings, nothing can interfere. For those who truly love each other, the thread of love only grows stronger, despite thousands of kilometers and years of separation. Lovers will find opportunities to maintain their relationship, since they will no longer be able to exist without each other. No other person of the opposite sex can replace and fill the emptiness in your heart.
Today we will look at another concept - falling in love.
What is sympathy and what does it depend on?
Often, not only falling in love, but also sympathy for a person is mistaken for love. Although these feelings have some similar features and symptoms, they should not be confused, because they differ significantly in depth and strength of manifestation.
Sympathy is sustainable positive attitude towards other people expressing itself emotionally. Usually it is manifested by friendliness, goodwill, admiration for someone or something. Sympathy is also a desire for communication between people, providing them with help, attention, etc. actions in relation to the one to whom it arises.
What can cause sympathy? There are several factors and circumstances:
- similarity of views, values, life positions and moral ideals;
- attractive appearance, demeanor, character;
- the presence of any similar characteristics, for example, the same birthday, the same age;
- living next to each other, studying in the same school, class, etc.;
- mutual sympathy, i.e. if we like someone, then this person can cause sympathy in us
Sympathy has one distinctive feature - similarity in something two people who like each other. But sometimes the opposite happens: a nice person seems to us to be somewhat similar to us.
Sympathy can turn into passion, a strong attachment, when it is supported by any actions, combines several bringing together factors, for example, external attractiveness, common interests and frequent communication. When we are disappointed in a person we like, a cooling of feelings towards him appears, which can develop into antipathy.
What is falling in love?
Falling in love is a characteristic feeling that distinguishes several features, visible to an outside observer, but usually not noticeable to a lover blinded by this feeling:
- she literally bursts into flames falls suddenly, “out of the blue,” accompanied by strong emotions and new impressions. Often the obsession passes just as suddenly, causing bewilderment and the question: “What was that?”;
- falling in love is often accompanied self-doubt, fear of literally everything, from weight gain to the possible disappointment of the object of adoration in you because of your insufficiently high social status, etc.;
- all life is concentrated on one person, all other interests recede, the object of love is idealized, is seen as a fairy-tale prince or princess, an example in everything. Because of this, there are often conflicts with relatives and friends who do not wear “rose-colored glasses” and perfectly see the shortcomings of the so-called “ideal” and try to dispel your delight by pointing out them;
- lovers are two personalities, there is no commonality in the relationship, the word “we” is not in their vocabulary either, because the two are connected only by passion, often purely sexual;
- Over time, the relationship is overshadowed by frequent quarrels, which end in a complete break.
People usually fall in love not with a person, but with some idealized image that has little in common with a specific person. The intoxication passes, replaced by disappointment and pain.
Falling in love is a person's desire to end loneliness, to warm up near someone, to take care of this person, to be close to him. All hitherto unclaimed feelings are poured out on the object of adoration. But the hero from your fantasies remains a stranger, whom you often have no desire or opportunity to study, because... Euphoria in a relationship does not allow you to destroy the image created in your head with the traits of an ideal hero attached to it at first.
This feeling can become something more only with wide open eyes and ears. And this requires considerable effort, patience and desire.
Young people who easily start and end romantic relationships are “preparing” themselves for future divorce.
Are you ready for marriage?
- How do you feel about money?
- What shows that you manage your funds wisely?
- Do you have debts or loans? If so, how do you pay for them?
- How much will your wedding cost? Will I have to go into debt?
- When you get married, will you both work? How will you balance your work schedules (to spend time together)?
- How will you plan your expenses?
True love... What is it like?
Falling in love is distinguished from a deeper and more real feeling by such a simple example. If a woman has freckles or another visual defect, then a man in love does not notice them, but a man in love sees them perfectly, but loves them as an integral part of his beloved.
True love is a miracle that has a whole a number of excellent qualities that distinguish it from ordinary love:
- all the human qualities of a partner, his personality are no less important than the physical attraction to him;
- the positive traits of a loved one are extremely valued, and his weaknesses are accepted without pretension, simply as a fact;
- love is not sudden, it does not come immediately, because... You can only love someone you know well with all your heart, this feeling is always tested by time;
- you always want to be with your loved one, you never get tired of him, separation from him is a great test;
- love reveals the best qualities of a person who strives for self-improvement, struggling with his shortcomings and weaknesses;
- true love is a strong connection of souls for many years, when neither time nor distance is scary. When separated, loving hearts always find the opportunity to communicate;
- in disagreements, loving hearts seek compromises, understanding their partner, yielding to each other. Discord in their relationship is a reason for reconciliation, strengthening real relationships;
- real feelings are selfless, love gives itself entirely and completely, without seeking any benefits or self-affirmation;
- trials and obstacles are overcome together, so nothing can defeat this great feeling.
Love or infatuation?
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“... is blind, and she likes it. She doesn't want to face the truth."
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“If I can’t be myself around the girl I like, it’s...”
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“There may even be something that irritates you about a person. But if it’s..., you still want to be close to him and find compromises.”
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“When... you only see what you have in common.”
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“When... you don’t try to hide who you really are.”
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“... is nothing more than selfishness, a way to get what you want. Sometimes you want to brag that you have a boyfriend.”
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“... does not turn a blind eye to mistakes and shortcomings and is ready to put up with them.”
It is a person’s belief that the experience of falling in love is love. We experience such strong emotions, are ready for actions so unusual for us, that it is difficult to discern the differences. Nevertheless, they are there, and sometimes it is useful to see them. What is the difference between these feelings and how to distinguish love from infatuation?
Read about the six most striking differences that will tell you which direction to take your relationship. You will learn why true love is devoid of selfish desires. Feelings as a game of hormones or the result of a conscious choice? Why do we fall in love with the wrong people? And is it true that passion is not responsible for the development of relationships because it is afraid of the future?
True love involves responsibility
When you really value a person, you are interested in his health and development, worry about the future, and are ready to take on obligations to protect your partner from danger. Your love is expressed in action, in the desire to help, guide, protect, inspire.
Falling in love does not have such a caring attitude towards the object of sympathy; on the contrary, you are ready to take any steps to completely own a person. You can encroach on his personal space, dictate your rules of the game to him, even destroy his life for the sake of your personal ideas. And this is a significant indicator.
Love, unlike passion, is always a conscious choice
Many describe the state of falling in love as an obsession that appears out of nowhere, not always at the right time, not for the most suitable person. It turns out that you are not responsible for yourself, there was just a revolution inside, the hormones rebelled, awakening animal instincts. If you look into it, you may not like this turn, you and your chosen one have so little in common! But the eyes are covered with a veil, it is impossible to discipline yourself.
Love is the result of a conscious choice, when you are perfectly aware of your feelings, clearly see a person’s shortcomings, but are ready to put up with them. Your eyes are open.
Love looks to the future with a smile
When two people find comfort in each other's arms, it is wonderful because it helps them live in the present. However, such a “placebo” also has a side effect - falling in love can become an attempt to escape from reality, a pressing past or a frightening future, a way to fill an inner emptiness.
True love does not anesthetize, but it heals. You accept your past and are not afraid to make far-reaching plans. Fears and complexes go away, illusions subside, this helps partners trust in life and decide to make important changes.
Love is free from criticism and labels
When you are romantically in love, you dream of subordinating your partner to the system of your demands and ideals, adjusting his appearance, and imposing the “correct” dreams. You are a harsh critic, but you justify this preoccupation with other people's happiness by the fact that you love! Alas, you can’t hear your partner.
True love will not impose its picture of the world on a person, will not limit his capabilities, suppress his will, or make judgments. A lover understands that he has no right to tell another how to live, what to feel and in which direction to develop, but he can always support the best aspirations of his half. Love does not press, it encourages.
Love is devoid of selfishness
Attachment to a person creates dependence; it seems that if he leaves, your life will lose meaning. You get hooked on endorphins, internal anxiety appears: what if he leaves, betrays, cheats, stops loving? And jealousy turns on inside, a desire to control another, a demand to love more or to provide evidence of one’s devotion (“why don’t you give flowers?”, “either me or your friends”). This is a selfish feeling, a real extortion.
True love does not seek to bind anyone, does not keep count of mistakes and obligations. You are simply happy, filled from within, and you want to give in order to see the same joy in the eyes of your loved one.
Love is a long-lasting state
Feelings that ignite with great speed tend to quickly burn out, leaving a scorched desert in the soul. Just yesterday you swore allegiance to each other, and today you desperately take revenge on the first person you meet, without thinking about the consequences. Joy gives way to anger, passion to hatred, desire to disgust. You look at your ex and don’t understand what you saw in him then. This is love. When we love, there is not that intensity of passions, that crazy pandemonium of emotions, but something warm and bright burns inside you, a spark that eventually grows into a flame. The longer you are together, the more good you discover in each other. And if the relationship for some reason did not work out, there is no anger, there are warm memories with a bitter taste, a desire for the person to do well.
So, we tried to briefly tell you how to distinguish love from falling in love, but here’s what’s much more important: both feelings are wonderful in their own way, and it’s even better when you manage to experience them with the same person! Attraction lives by feeling, love by action. What do you choose?
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